How widespread is infidelity in the military anyway? Is it common? Pervasive? Inevitable?
One of the results of the Petraeus admissions is that the question of fidelity between military couples rears its ugly head. I cannot bear all of the shrugging off of fidelity I have heard this weekend, as if infidelity for military couples is the logical result of spending so much time apart.
I’m not here for that.
I’m not here for infidelity. I don’t care whether every other couple in the military are swingers and serial cheaters and bound to show up on Maury Povich with a paternity claim. I’m not here for that.
I am not the kind of person who can wait here during deployment if I think I am married to someone who does not respect what we have between us. I can’t drag around for 16 moves if I think I can’t trust him when we are apart.
I’m not here for that. Neither is he. My sailor does not have direct deposit so that I can take my boyfriends to dinner. He doesn’t spend his weekends painting our kitchen so I can entertain some other guy. He isn’t scrimping on himself to send our kids to college so that another man can have his picture with them at graduation.
It isn’t only the economics of marriage that are at stake here. No matter what every other couple in the world might do, the two of us are not here to put our own pleasures or emptiness or anger in front of our marriage. That isn’t who we are. How do people go on in a military relationship without that assurance of that most basic trust and respect?
I may sound dangerously Kathie Lee Gifford-ish, but I think we military couples ought to be able to expect a little faithfulness from each other, dammit. And that we shouldn’t have to be eternally young and maniacally thin or fantastically rich to make that happen.
I’m not saying that every military couple is perfect. Or that infidelity does not ever happen. I just think when you wait for someone — when you braid their daughter’s hair and shovel their sidewalks and go to three stores in search of their favorite flavor of Cheez-its — that you ought to be able to rely on them to cleave only unto you.
I don’t care if my sailor is surrounded by topless mermaids, I think I ought to be able to count on the guy because we are married. He should equally be able to count on me. Even if I am a topless mermaid in my own right.
The thought that we should expect a little cheatage to come our way simply because we spend too much time apart is a poison in our culture. Infidelity is not acceptable. It is not inevitable.
Faithfulness is not too much to ask for military couples. In fact, I think that it is because our military lives are so demanding on both the servicemember and the spouse that faithfulness is required of each of us. Every day. All the time. Physically. Emotionally. Financially.
Faithfulness is how we roll.
About Jacey Eckhart
Comments
Thank you for sharing these thoughts! They are spot on. My husband is JAG and I hear a lot of yuckyness (no names or specifics, just generalities). But I have 100% faith in him. I expect that of him and he of me. We have each others' backs. We cleave to one another.
The TITLE of this article should read: How Much Infidelity exists between the husbands and WIVES of the Military Families? If one thinks this is a one-way-street, they must be brain dead??? It has been known that far too many military marriages took place with two VERY mismatched people, for a lifetime commitment…..Blind Urgency prevailed?????
i agee! my husband who is navy and i see it all the time.we shake our heads at the ugliness at who does this but it is usually the cheifs first time power in their own heads
Love the article. My husband Air Force and we have had our share of TDY's, deployments and moves and the last thing either one of us expects is infidelity. That being said, I think this should be the expectation of every married couple, not just military. Why marry someone if you expect for them to cheat on you or you on them. If you can't handle forever and monogamy then don't get married, simple as that.
Yes!!!!!! thank you
I know some people might marry with trust issues, but a lot people actually trust their spouse when they get married. Husbands are betrayed by their wives and wives are betrayed by their husbands. A lot of married men/women pick out their cheating partners when they find out they'll be deployed. They pick married people that have something to lose, if you have something to lose, you are less likely to say anything. Some soldiers will allow the circumstances to influence their choices. They probably didn't deploy with the intentions of cheating, but temptation, lust, poor judgement, insecurities, environment all factor into their decision. You have to have a strong will, don't entertain or hang around people with bad intentions. They're more likely to corrupt you. You really find out who you're married to when they're put in vulnerable situations.
Yes! I completely agree! I feel lucky because I know that my husband adores me and vice versa, and I know that he would rather die than hurt me, just like I would for him. I don't understand how cheating has become so acceptable. It is NOT. You make a commitment to each other, you HONOR that commitment. Being apart from each other is not an excuse to cheat. If anything, it's an excuse to try and strengthen your marriage in other ways.
Awesome article!
"to be able to expect a little faithfulness from each other, dammit. "
YES! LOVE IT!
Inside our wedding rings are engraved three words: Faith. Love. Honor.
Regardless of occupation, these are the words that continue to hold us together.
*still chuckling* dammit! :)
Infidelity is a sign of weakness in character. Cheating whether emotionally (online) or physically should NEVER be tolerated
Our rings say, ” yours only”. And yes damn it I am also my husbands topless mermaid too!
Agree completely.
Agreed
I so love this and completely agree. My solider is in Korea and we talk as if he never left. I can’t wait to see the look on my husband and son’s face when they see each other for the 1st time after a yr…
I do not think that people marry each other if they think that person is going to cheat. You may not be here for that but it is an issue and being a military spouse means you are part of the family and if someone is in pain or needs help you are there for it. For those that have had soldiers cheat on them with other soldiers, it is sad and wrong. There is no respect for those soldiers and if they think that fighting for freedom while destroying the hearts of the people they are fighting for is okay, they have no pride and should be given no respect. This has nothing to do with trust. The problem is not that there is no trust, the problem is that no one is there for these women that go through this. If you are not here for that, then you are biasasley picking what you want to deal with. Everyone deserves the same support no matter what the issue is. Being a bistandard and picking what you will and will not get involved with is not the military spouse way. We are here for each other no matter what. This issue is important because “what happens on deployment stay on deployment” thing is not true. It is brought home and it breaks families and children’s hearts. We need support for those men and women so they don’t continue the cycle, not excuses like ” have trust.” I really don’t think you can tell someone to just trust your spouse when you have not walked their path. Im sure everyone trust their spouse at some point. It is finding out when did that trust end and why? I’m am happy for all those that walk with a blind eye to possibilities of this type of negativity in their lives. For those that endure the pain of being lied to, pushed away and you don’t know why, feeling alone, feeling like a foul, feeling like you have been played and your heart does not matter, I care and I say keep speaking out!
While I gave up my career to follow my soldier, then raise our daughter, he took the opportunity to cheat on me at each duty station. I was the dutiful wife that trusted my marriage…HUGE mistake. When he was away at training, deployed or TDY, I remained at home. Taking care of our daughter, our home, working full time, and taking care of his responsibilities that he was unable to take care of when he was home so it darn sure was not going to get done when he was gone. While I made the commitment to him, our marriage and our family, he decided to go to bars…even had a man die while he was supposed to be Designated Driver. One of his flings involved a LT (he is a SNCO). She obviously likes married men as mine was not her first. I made it clear he had better be her last or I would have her rank and her ass. So to all who think their marriage is not open to infideltiy…good luck. Gave mine the benefit of the doubt and now, after 14 years of faithful marriage on my part…we are at the tail end of a miserable divorce.
I am so sorry to hear that you were so disrespected by your husband! He doesn't deserve such a great woman! I hope everything turns out okay as you go through your divorce for you and your daughter.
This is such a sad topic. It stirs up so much crap. I’ve been with my husband for 9 years married for 1 1/2. He has cheated on me before. We were kids, we were different people then. He is truly a loving a caring husband, completely open and honest now because he has nothing to hide. When he joined the military though, we were separated a lot. I was told so many things like “what happens on tdy, stays on tdy” and I became very insecure obviously. I did a lot of research on cheating in the military and didn’t like what I heard. Horrible stories of cheating. Stories like these are important to be told, so women and men know they aren’t alone. But if you have no reason to believe your spouse is cheating I beg you to save yourself the heartache and stop reading these stories.
For those that endure the pain of being lied to, pushed away and you don’t know why, feeling alone, feeling like a foul, feeling like you have been played and your heart does not matter, I care and I say keep speaking out!…….wow this really hit home. Now going down the road of divorce with my soon to be ex-husband SGT and these words felt like they were spilling out from my heart.
Can I just say "AMEN!" Worry and concern are part of being a military spouse – that's one worry I never had, thank the good Lord!
My ex cheated n is now engaged to another soldiers wife lives w her n everything …when I was his spouse I contacted his command they did nothing n the husband of his “fiancé” told his command again nothing
Great article! Glad to see someone else who takes their marriage vows seriously. I've heard from some that my commitment to marriage is rooted in fairy tale ideals of "happily ever after", but it is possible to believe that 2 people can be committed to each other until they leave this earth. I've seen it happen and I believe it will happen in my marriage.
love it my husband and i after 12 years still have total trust
Mel, A lot of those people are jaded. They've never experienced true love so they think it doesn't exist. I don't think any marriage is perfect, but your marriage may be perfect for you. Someone else's perception of perfect will be totally different from yours. I would tell them that fairy tales are fictional, but our commitment is real. I married young and went through a lot of obstacles, at times i felt jaded, but our commitment to our marriage helped us get through the rough patch. My family and friends think we are nauseating, because we are closer than we've ever been before. Going through things together will forge an unbreakable bond between two people. Some people won't understand this because they abandon ship when things get hard.
Love it! Infidelity should never be acceptable, and is not inevitable. Those who use the military lifestyle as an excuse for their lack of fidelity are just sad and make the rest of us look bad.
Wonderfully said!
THANK YOU!!!!!! I have been married to my sailor for almost 7 years, been through 5 deployments and we have had a great faithful relationship. Marriage is not valued as much these days which is very sad! Our children and my husband deserve my faithful love for my husband!
AMEN!
Being faithful should not be an option. It is how it is. I don’t understand why people cheat. If you’re unhappy in your marriage and try counseling but it doesnt work then get out! Why hurt someone so badly? It’s a respect thing.
Awesome post and great comments. I don't know how rampant infidelity is in the military nor do I care. I care about me and my marriage no one elses. I do hate being lumped in with other peoples horror stories. There are so many generalities. ALL mil couples cheat, ALL soldiers get PTSD, etc. I don't want to be punished for others mistakes or have what they've done reflect on me. People make mistakes but we are not all the same.
"Infidelity is not acceptable. It is not inevitable."
Love, love, love!!!!!
I will just say as a 24 yr Navy vet….one word comes to mind….PERVASIVE. There's a saying "what goes on during deployment, stays on deployment."
All the Dial-a-Sailor programs durning port visits aren't just so a Sailor can enjoy a "home cooked meal".
But it works both ways when the base clubs are coincidentally packed with women the night after the battle group deploys.
On more than a couple occasions after my ship returned a day early, i had subordinates arrive home while their wife was otherwise engaged with her temporary boyfriend.
It's great if you have a strong, loving, trusting marriage. But based on what i've seen over the years i'd almost have to say you're in the minority. It's pretty sad.
Maybe base clubs are packed the night after a battle group deploys because there are a lot of lonely spouses who want to spend a little time with other spouses who know exactly what they are going through. Not everyone goes out to cheat.
If what you have seen over the years is that your peers are unfaithful when given the opportunity, perhaps you should stop hanging around with such dogs.
I agree with you Ben.
Ben, I have found that there is a "brotherhood" among those who serve. It is the product of shared sacrifice and job requirements that call for relying on the person serving next to you in some life and death situations. The same thing exists among the spouses of those serving. We sort of "owe" one another in ways that civilians don't. When any kind of negative behavior, such as substance abuse, symptoms of PTSD, a family crisis, a financial need, etc. is noted in a unit, I have always seen the members and their families respond in a supportive manner, and help offered to turn the situation around.. That has been in a significant manner due to the "command climate." If you have observed rampant misconduct over the years, I would venture to say you haven't served under men and women of high caliber. That quality of leadership that addresses anything that comes up that is a detriment to those serving under their command is what sets a person's service above the rest, and those are the people who should be promoted to these high positions. There is strength in numbers in battle and in matters of integrity as well. For a long time there were personnel serving under Patraeus who saw questionable behavior. His leadership was a failure and a disgrace. He wasn't an example of brilliant leadership, but failed leadership. He has personally damaged not just his own family, but he has failed "the brotherhood," as evidently many of your commanders did.
next time I see you in person can you please please please say, "I don't care if my sailor is surrounded by topless mermaids!" thank you.
great post..got me worked up in just the right way ;)
Infdelity is the biggest cause of suicide of miliiary members. No branch of the service trains it personnel on how to deal with it. Mamy careers have ended once an infidelity is public knowledge. It doesn't matter which person committed it. Outstanding article!
Well, said. I got just the opposite while on deployment but my expectations were the same and I still believe that should be the expectation of anyone and everyone who gets married.
this topic is a BIG issue in not only military but our culture. I lived through infidelity (took almost 5 years to get her out of our lives).
husband high ranking officer. he was the last person anybody , including myself , thought would do this! it's very selfish, destructive choices that leave scars
“There are two types of marriages in the military. One where the spouse doesn’t know about the cheating. The other is when the spouse knows about it ,but decides the couples life together is bigger than a one night stand” As a young private, this was a lesson taught to me by some old crusty SF sergeants. I know this is not entirely true but it sums up the fears present in the military today.
Kaleb, the old crusty SF sergeants you know must have failed marriages. I am married to a crusty old retired after 30 years Colonel, and I am here to tell your sources are just crusty and old… not accurate at all. Some of the best marriages I have ever known are military marriages. My mom and dad are not military, but are still happily married after 60 plus years, so I know what a good marriage looks like. Non military marriages, from my observation, fail more than military marriages… Maybe that is because I know so many military people.
A military family goes through a lot, and I should know, as I was a military wife for 23 years. I've seen 'stuff' that shouldn't have taken place, but my family was just an observer. 'Stuff' does happen, but as long as you are able to keep your family out of the 'circle of friends' your family will survive. As a family, we have to have a set of values, and then not deviate from those values.
Great article, if you view life through rose colored glasses. Rarely is a military man who is deployed not going to stray if given the chance, it happens all the time, I have seen it with my own eyes, "What goes on deployment, stays on deployment", it is the military culture. I don't care how high or low the rank is, or how loyal the spouse “thinks” he is. Is it right? No…does it happen…all the time. It doesn't matter if the man is an officer, highly trained or even religious. I have also seen many women get involved with men back home, while they are waiting for their husband to return. We need to take off these rose colored glasses and see life as it reality.
Very well said, 100% accurate.
I am not the only person alive who'd give their heart, and would be faithful til the end. Yes remove the rose colored glasses, look up to the Lord, and let HIM guide you!
I am lucky to have a man who never cheated on me. I know this is true because I told him that if it did happen to do me 2 favors: 1. tell me; 2. use protection. I let him know it would not be the end of our marriage nor would I even hold it against him. I just wanted complete honesty between us. To be honest, I think it's a big reason he never did ironically. When you have permission to do something, it kind of loses something. Sort of liking sneaking alcohol as a teenager is a bigger thrill than going drinking after you're legal age.
The fact it happens, even frequently, doesn't mean it's inevitable or even acceptable. Honesty and honor go hand-in-hand, and if a man betrays the most fundamental commitment he's made in life, it undercuts his ability to do every other job with honor and trustworthiness. We need honorable men to stand up and buck the military culture of "hear no infidelity, see no infidelity"
I didn't read the full article, and I apologize for that but honestly it just sounds like all of the others that have ever been written on the same topic, military aside. My point is that I don't find it mil specific.
It comes down to a very basic concept, know who the hell you are marrying!
People snatch up 'a good catch' or some relationship that consisted of mostly good days, and they run with it to start their little life and cheat the ugly parts of life. If they have not seen you at your worst, and you have not seen them at their most appalling behavior then you should not be married. It's the same thing with parents who have no idea why their kids are horrible or have certain unfavorable traits, but everyone else recognizes those traits in the parents. If you don't know yourself because you haven't spent enough time alone, introspective or living real life, or if you are just in denial pretending to be someone you are not, YOU are not ready to be married. If you can not name a good handful of things about your significant other that drive you up the wall and then prepare to swallow even more that you didn't know about yet on your lowest day, YOU are not ready to be married. More importantly, if you have not sustained the un-wed relationship through your members time in YOU are not yet ready to be married. What is the rush to be married, so you can destroy not only your own lives, affect your friends and families, but also destroy some poor children's lives?
People always love to blame the military and military life, play the victim card. The old adage that the military is a reflection of the society it protects still holds I guess. Nobody is accountable, nobody is expected to actually grow up anymore. Instead of life experience and lessons, they just collect a couple birthdays and fake it with an apt. or home or marriage and some kids and they think they deserve to be called an adult but held only as responsible as a child. Proud military members joined understanding faintly the sacrifice and what was needed; they joined standing up proudly to the challenge and ready to put in the work and take on everything that came with it knowing it would be the hardest life there is to live. All of the other service members just joined to ride their coat-tails. Please don't attribute lifestyle hardships and failures with the military, if they are brought into service by some child playing pretend.
Thank you for your time.
Well said, and too many truths unfortunately. While my husband was on shore duty during the 2 years before we got married, I knew full well that there would be 6 month cruises, work-ups, and other assorted times he would be gone that I would have to get by without him. We talked everything through and worked things out ahead of time to avoid as many of the pitfalls as possible. The biggest thing that has kept us together for 14 years and still going strong, I would say, is the fact that every morning we wake up and decide to stay together and make it work. Too many people expect love to be effortless, and get a divorce as soon as the newness has worn off. It has to be a conscious decision on the part of both parties, or the marriage is doomed to fail. There are no soul mates, no fairytale marriages made in heaven, or effortless relationships. Every marriage can work if both people involved want it to, and are willing to take the time and make the effort to keep it going.
It is not realistic to expect behavior in Military personnel to different in the long haul than in all other sectors of American society as the military is ultimately made up of members of this American Culture. Culture -who we are as a people and what we truly believ is always manifested ultimately in and thru our Art and the behaviors of a nation.
It may not be realistic, but as the mother, wife, and daughter of a Soldier…. I expect it. I demand it. When you are a banker, a brick layer, a lawyer, or sell real-estate, more power to you, your life will be a reflection of your choices, and you might even get by with it.
When you have the authority to send my loved one to war, to order them to defend this country to the death…. you damn well better be a person of pristine honor and character…. You had better "live above the common man," or I demand your hide nailed to the barn wall. If you will betray the person who supposedly you love most in this world… you certainly are capable of betraying my loved one. You are being entrusted with sacred duty…. given unbelievable power, and you can't be "all other sectors of American society." Besides, men and women serve with complete honor all the time.
I understand what you're saying and i agree. The reality of the situation is that people don't live up to the standard, and i'm not sure that they ever did. Meeting the standard or not getting caught falling short of the standard, is almost one and the same. A lot of high ranking individuals didn't get caught in their mess, just like the secret service. Do you really think 2012 was the one and only time that the secret service paid for hookers? If that's the case Clinton was the beginning and end of cheating Presidents. I know you're sold on the standard, but i don't think a sexual act will determine whether they'll commit treason or not. Young people go to Washington with hope and leave with their dreams shattered, because they find that we are sold a image that doesn't exist.
It does exist in people all around us. Maybe I have just been around so many people who are above average I am a bit biased…. but it exists in people everywhere. Usually their names are not household words…. They usually miss some of the promotions, because they are busy leading lives of integrity… not politically seeking the limelight.
Honor is not situational.
In other words…. When we have a President getting blow jobs in the Oval office… It's not before we have Generals doing a Biographer in their private offices. Then it is not long before Private Williams is "All-In" with Private Jones in the back of a hummer. Then it's not long before Jane Davis is diddling Jackie Evans in the barracks. It's what our culture has told these folks is "OK"- Normal – Acceptable – Right!
It's been more than a a dozen years since we had a President cheating on his wife and he got in a lot of hot water over it.
It started with JFK! Maybe it started before then, who knows.
Thank you for your wonderful words Mrs Eckhart! I believe as a Christian when I took my Vow of Marriage I made a Promise to GOD/family/friends/Church for better or worse for the rest of my life. I wish I would have known that my Wife had no wish for being faithful neither physical nor emotional. The worst part is we became a blended family and also had child who is now 17mo old. One day she just gave up but I learned it was to another man who also has a small child. It hurts every day and I miss my daughter "step" but when I met her she was 9mo old/she is 5yr old and still calls me daddy. I am still faithful even though she has filed for D. I just wish I knew where I went wrong. I know its GODs who is in charge but she really tore us apart and we my 2 daughters and son now have to pay while she. Is getting. Her kicks and has her happiness. It just doesn't seem right. I am not sure about ever dating again as I know I do not want my children to get hurt and I do not ever want to feel this void again as it was a one sided love. I have no idea how long she has been cheating but found the birth control added to the R/X. It hurts every day but God is in charge so who knows maybe there is someone for me one day.
Dont give up on love, Gnome/ J!!
tomorrow is my 32 wedding anniversary, and we were both active duty back in the 80′s. He retired from active and I finished up in the IN ANG. There id that saying there too” what happens at Guard, stays at Guard”. But, We had a good unit. We watched out for each other. Single people just didnt mess with the married people. And by that I mean ***. We were mostly an older unit, late 20′s to 50′s. Then I was late 20′s and 30′s. I never cheated in the 10 years active duty or in the 10-1/2 ANG. I have always assumed my husband was faithful too.
Next time you start looking for a woman, know her a little bit longer and see how she treats others, including her family. Look at your church. There are still good women around. Best wishes!
That's really sad. Remember, it's not over until God says it's over. That's a song by the way, keep praying. You never know why things happen, it may be a blessing in disguise. I know that's hard to hear since you really love your wife and want your marriage back. Know that God knows what's best for you, what God has for you is for you. I always ask people if they consulted the Lord when they decided to get married. A lot times they say no, which means the painful situation may be due to lust of the eye. I don't know your situation, but i know God will heal your heart if you allow him to. Look for the good in the situation, trust that God is in control and he will restore those things that belong to you. One thing you should know is, the things that we see are subject to change.
The standards are supposed to be high for military officers. However, even West Point has failed to indoctrinate all of their students. The punishment for infidelity is often non-existent or lukewarm. Many years ago, I saw a female captain performing sexually explicit grinding maneuvers on the dance floor with an enlisted soldier under her command. I approached her as a lieutenant and warned her about fraternizing. She threatened to accuse me of attacking her if I did. Taking God out of our institutions and teaching Darwinism contribute to our moral decadence. Make the military code more rigid and the penalty for failing to comply more severe.
Despite what you may think, Darwinism has nothing to do with this situation. I understand you are a godfearing member of society, but please do not attribute this behavior to atheism or science-minded folk. Atheists are married members of society equal to religious members, and we respect and honor our marriage vows out of respect and love for one another and what we are building together in life. Just because we don't believe in God or a higher power does not mean we are devoid of morals. Thank you!
Thank you SO much. Being a Christian does not automatically make anyone live the life of saints, just as being an atheist (or agnostic/pagan/whatever) does not make anyone an immoral sinner. This is not a matter of faith, but a matter of personality.
On the contrary, Darwinism has everything to do with the issue. Darwinism pulls God out of the situation and religates humans to mere animals (or decendents thereof). The fact that we are created beings with a moral code is what seperates us from the animal kingdom devoid of such a code.
Having a moral code has nothing to do with God or Darwinism. I am not Christian, and I do not believe in your God…..this does not mean I have no moral code. I happen to agree with the majority of the morals present in Christianity, I just don't believe in god or jesus. Do not confuse morality with religion, I know many "good christians" with the morals of an alley cat.
you are an idiot!!!! you've completely missed the point!!!!!
I'm sorry…not calling the person that wrote making military code more rigid and more severe penalties an idiot!!! I was referring to all the other idiots commenting about God and Darwinism. Y'all completely missed the point…the subject is on infidelity in the military. Quit trying to make this about you. I totally agree, military officials especially high ranking should be penalized severely!!!
Not everyone worships your "God". Freedom of religion means all religions, not just yours. That is why religion has been removed from institutions. Other than that, I agree with your statement that infidelity should have more consequences, and those consequences need to be enforced equally.
I’m a guy on the opposite end. I had 2 different wives cheat on me while I was in the Navy. I can honestly say I never cheated on them or anyone else for that matter. Maybe I’m old school but I just don’t understand cheaters. As I like to say there is nothing wrong with window shopping (admiring a beautiful lady) bug I would never consider cheating. I retired a few years back & have bern dating a lovely gal for almost a year. I still window shop if a beautiful lady goes by but I am faithful to my girlfriend. I knew some cheaters while on deployment but their is a large majority who were not cheaters. Maybe I treated my ex(s) w too much respect, love etc… But I’m an eternal optimist & think I’m right in being who I am & will continue to respect, love & not cheat on my partner. After all, we all deserve a happy ending to our own life story!
I spent several decades in the military, active and reserve, and I never saw the level of infidelity in the civilian world that I saw in the military. "Rampant and horrendous" would be an understatement. Those who remained faithful to their spouses were the exception, not the rule. I could tell you one account after another about what goes on. One of my favorite is what one USAF field grade officer told a chaplain (major) as a group of officers were going TDY on a plane. As he was cranking off his wedding ring he leaned over and said, "Remember, chaplain, TDY rules apply!" (TDY rules: I won't tell on you if you don't tell on me.) Anyone who doesn't think this sort of thing isn't taking place on a massive scale is just kidding himself.
Wives were no better. While hubbies were away, they'd go trolling for hook-ups. One USAF security policeman told me of being propositioned by a fighter pilot's wife while the pilot was out of the country. The SP was checking ID cards at the front gate and the wife said her husband was away and invited him to come over to her house, and her intentions were clear. He declined, but she assured him it was okay. It was the only time I heard of in which someone didn't take advantage of the situation.
At one USAF base, the NCO club would be patronized by Navy wives from across town when their husbands were out to sea. One guy in my squadron was happily picking up on them and taking them back to his dorm room for fun, and he was by no means alone in this activity.
I could go on and on. There's just so much of it that goes on, but many people, believing those in the military are so special, prefer close their eyes to reality.
My husband would talk about going TDY where the squadron commander would be met by a blonde every time. This would be the same squadron commander who would invite us to join he and his wife for Marriage Encounter weekends to strengthen our marriage. My husband decided our marriage was strong enough. ;)
Kathie Lee Gifford stayed with her cheating spouse. Anyway, not my point. I have to agree with the notion that our own president having oral sex performed on him IN the Oval Office is sick and disgraceful, yet does indeed give the impression that it is somehow tolerable. I mean, after all, Hillary is no pushover and is successful, yet…..she stayed. Not a great example. Here is another point. A very long time ago, we had a president by the name of Kennedy. You know what he did? Had multiple affairs, as we can all gather from information and context today. But you know what it meant back then? Nothing. Because we respected the office of president. We didn't have paparazzi and nosy people begging for the juicy details. It wasn't a "secret," yet it wasn't paraded out in the open, ala the Clinton fiasco. It's sad that we see adultery being the catalyst for the destruction of a great man.
And I'm sorry, or no, I'm NOT sorry, but I firmly believe this whole "affair" is being put forward to keep people from asking the REAL and IMPORTANT QUESTIONS here! I don't want to hear about Petraeus and his affair(s), I want to hear what he knows about Benghazi. I will not play along here, nor will I be distracted.
My sentiments exactly. The timing for this is just a smidgen too suspicious…
While I would like to think it is a general consensus that infidelity under any circumstances is unacceptable moral behavoir. For military personal it is even more so, even more so for officers. For as we each took our oath it was part of a honor code of an officer and a gentleman on top of any marriage vows one may take. It's like trying to correct a child not to do something that they see you do everyday. You cannot justify your disapproval of their behavoir if you are committing the same offenses. You cannot be judge or expect your subordinates to be held to a high standard than you hold yourself too. General Patreus and his family will surely suffer through this as most others have. It is unfortunate for the one person that was a party to this will suffer little if any true fall out.
I love what you have said in this article and I am with you!!!! Faithfulness is how we roll too!!!!!!
I didn't read your full reply – why should I? You sound like every other self absorbed writer on any topic.
I also find it funny that military couples are so lax in what they deem "cheating". My husband and I had our huge issues and to him cheating was just intercourse with someone but apparently it's ok to have websex with a paid prostitute of sorts. It's apparently ok to have an emotional connection with another woman, and it's apparently ok to look at porn and completely ignore the wife. Just as long as your not PHYSICALLY doing someone. To me, cheating is all of that. If your talking to another woman that your wife doesnt know about, that's a no go. If your looking at porn, that's a no go. If my husband wants a little something while he's away I will send him whatever he wants of me :D :P But looking at another woman I dont care if it's over a video or what or talking to another woman about things that you refuse to talk to your wife about. All of that is cheating to me. I dont care if he works along side a woman, I dont care if his higher up is a woman. So long as he is open about OUR relationship and keeps theirs on a strictly professional level I'm fine.
Dont tell me that "every man looks at porn" because, No, No they don't.
I hold myself to that exact same standard as well.
In 2001 right after 911 my husband told me he was pulling extra duty. He was a Lieutenant Colonel in the reserves. We were married 39 years. I was so worried about him because it seemed he was burning a candle at both ends. I was emailing him and letting him know how proud I was and how I would take care of everything at home………not to worry etc, etc. He responded in like. Only to find out after Christmas he was seeing somebody else the whole time. He was NEVER pulling extra duty or anything else. He left me and filed for divorce on January 7 2002. Needless to say I was taken by complete surprise and devistated. To this day I wonder how many other women were in his life while he was playing soldier and away from his family. He was supposed to be a Christian and taught Christian financial principals in our area to local churches and counciled couples. He literally led two lives. I survived but cannot remarry because I will lose all the benefits granted to the spouse such as retirement, medical, half social security etc. He was in the reserves 30 years. I was the loyal one but I am the one who will be penalized if I want to go on to have somewhat of a normal life.
Yes you can remarry. You have to decide that you can get a job and earn the benefits you will lose on your own. Or, failing that, you can have a relationship with someone else without marrying them and risking the loss of your benefits entirely. It's up to you to decide what is more important: a normal life? Your 'share' of your husband's benefits? Some kind of religious belief against enjoying the company of another person without being married to them? It's your choice… whether you say "I can't" or "I can", you will always be right.
You are talking to a lady 67 years old who will lose over 5 thousand dollars a month plus medical benefits. I will never make that money getting a job. And just how long do you think I can work?Yes, my faith stand in the way of living with someone without marriage. I do have a wonderful gentleman friend but I would like to be married but finances do not permit it. Sometimes life isn't fair but one iearns to live with it. I just wish the military would reconsiider how the spouse is treated in some situations through no fault of their own. I feel we serve along with the spouse and sacrifice as much and sometimes more than they do.They go along on their merry way without a hint of remorse leaving the family to pick up the peices.
I am the same age as you, and lost my wife to cancer years ago. I met a woman with whom I would like to spend the rest of my life. However, we decided to separate because we could not accept the changes that would have to be made. I realized that if you REALLY love somebody enough, you will sacrifice everything to be with them. When we were young, that’s how it was with everyone, struggling to survive by supporting each other no matter what!
If you really do not love somebody that much, you should not marry, because if you are not willing to be totally committed like that, the consequences could infidelity being discussed!
Yes. Exactly. You said it perfectly. Both my husband AND myself feel the same way! Thank you for writing this.
Yes. Thank you for writing this article. Many people make is sound like it's impossible to be faithful through multiple separations. Not true. Lot of couples do it. They honor their commitment to one another and build a life around trust and loyalty.
Over the years, I've known many couples who have split up over infidelity. Rarely are they any happier or more satisfied in their next relationship(s).
I can think of at least half a dozen ex-husbands who have begged their once loyal wives to take them back.
Too soon old. Too late smart.
Military spouse here. Living on base, we saw it happen day in and day out. My next-door neighbor at our last duty station walked in on her husband as he was having sex with another enlisted man. My sister, married to an Army guy, was cheated on and saw many women have other soldiers living with them while their husbands were deployed.
I work in a civilian legal profession and the amount of active duty guys I've helped with divorce due to infidelity is insane. The VAST majority are guys who come home to find a wife obviously pregnant by someone other than themselves.
It's deplorable, yes, but I've NEVER seen the level of infidelity I've seen in the military in the civilian world.
Me neither. It's crazy. My husband and I had a serious talk before we got married about choices and consequences. I agree with Vicki. Not what I'm here for.
Prayer is the most important foundation in a marriage. Marriages have been attacked since God created the first one in Garden Of Eden. Military marriage are harder with the separation of deployment. It has been on my heart to cover military marriages with the blood of Jesus, hedge of protection and thorn brushes. It's time to send prayers up and defeat divorce, separation and all the other negative things coming marriages in the military and around the world. Prayer changes thing. Heavenly Father, I plead the blood over military marriages. I place a hedge of protection around our marriages (Job 1:10). Lord breath on every marriage unconditional love and remove any openning that satan can enter into our marriage. Lord send warrior angel's to defead our wedding vows and the covenant that heaven witness on our wedding day. In Jesus' name, Amen.
I understand that prayer is the most important foundation in your personal marriage, and I thank you for your well wishes and comments. However, please take into consideration that prayer is not the stronghold for atheist unions or families. I respect your opinion on this website and were I to meet you in person I would do the same, but please do not force your own personal belief system on other peoples marriages. Thank you so much!
I don't believe she is forcing anything on your marriage, she didn't show up at your house and make you receive prayer. As you stated, it is her opinion just as you have expressed yours. She didn't force you to read her comment either and you don't have to receive her prayer, she's going to pray regardless. Whether you say AMEN or not is up to you! She is not a military chaplin, so factoring in your belief system is not her job, nor can she pick and choose the Atheist couples in the entire military to exclude from her prayer. Prayer in itself is not a religion or doctrine, prayer is no more than wishing someone well. It can be in anyone's name or no name at all, but the fact that she said JESUS' name bothers you. I think you need to look up the definition of "force."
THANK YOU! I was told by my cheating husband's SISTER, that if I would get MYSELF in CHURCH and get with the PROGRAM, That my cheating abusive EX would "get in line". That's the most insulting thing I have ever heard. I was a faithful Navy wife for over 25 years.
Marriage predates modern man, and certainly predates the Israelites and their biographers who wrote the stories in the bible. It's likely that some form of marriage existed (even temporarily) for iron age humans and earlier for whom paternity may have been an issue since females and their children would have been seen as the personal property of males. I'm glad that you believe that prayer strengthens your marrieage, but I think a more realistic approach is to look at marriage for what it is: a contract. Some will imbue it with religious meaning, but it is actually an agreement entered into between two persons to determine inheritance rights. It doesn't give one the right to break the contract unilaterally, but it will inevitably happen as long as adults can marry quickly and easily and for lots of the wrong reasons. Divorce takes forever…. why does marriage take only a few minutes?
Thank you for your prayers. My marriage is one that your prayers are needed for. The problem is my husband is living in the flesh and until they hate their sin and turn away from it they will continue to live in it. You cannot serve two Gods at one time. God is too Holy to get near sin therefore until there is a full repentance and turning away from the enemy continues to win!!!
THANK YOU
We're retired now and can't help but notice that the couples who stayed true to one another and their vows are having a ball now, growing old with their best friend.
The ones who were stepping out an each other are estranged from their kids and struggling to keep their financial affairs in order.
Maybe the sex was worth it. Hard to say. I wouldn't trade though.
Unfortunately, there are readers like me who know firsthand what it's like to find out you've been betrayed by a spouse. It truly is one of the most heartbreaking times imaginable. Some of us will recover, some of us won't. Infidelity doesn't affect just the military, and not just the deployed. It's in all walks of life. And it is all too often looked upon as being no big deal. But it IS a big deal and people get hurt, and marriages fail. There are a lot of places to point at to prove reason, or something/someone to try and put the blame on, but in all reality, they are merely excuses for immorality and stupidity. There are no words to justify it. Those who tolerate it perpetuate it, and I, for one, will not ever accept infidelity as normal, acceptable, or a fact of life. Period.
You go Jacey! Amen!
Everyone should stay out of their problem and maybe they can resolve it themselves. No good is going to come out of it by all of us being on anybodies side. As for the General, he should be seen as the great leader he is and not something persomal that has unfortunately happened. People do make mistakes in life and God is the only one perfect.
I've been married to military, dated military. Unfortunately those men do cheat. Adrenalin rush? Being used to having different partners after deployments etc? Only few are the exception. I just got out of a relationship, the guy was sleeping around for almost a year. He hid it well. Marriage ended same way. I'm done with military men. I have a lot of respect for what the do on their jobs, but relationship/marriage? No. It seems to be more of a lifestyle rather than just occasional incidents for a lot of those men.
While I agree it is wrong to be unfaithful, I must point out a different aspect of this situation.
He was the CIA director and was just about to tell the American people the truth about the murder of American citizens in Libya. But lo and behold his infidelity, that had been known since July, was published right before the information came out.
I’m no conspiracy theorist, but I am smart enough I see that every time the goose gets in trouble, he squawks about a goose across the pond to create a distraction.
What’s sad is that the attention span of Americans isn’t long enough to remember what was going in to begin with.
And that my friends, is the cold hard reality of this entire situation.
If I’m wrong why is GEN P being forced to resign but no one else???
Agreed. Now they're saying that it's up to Congress if he'll even testify. A family member of one of the females' involved said, the cheating scandal is factitious and a smoke screen for something else. Now they're claiming Broadwell released classified info.
You don’t know me, but know this, I am Very proud of your letter. What a heart. You go girl. I pray that you and your sailor will grow old together. Bless you!
I believe people get married for the wrong reasons today and really do not know what they want or what they believe. Too many believe in storybook romance. Marriage is work as is should be. People want it all and they want it all NOW. I believe Christian values help make people stick to their vows. Having honest conversations is important in a marriage. Infidelity is a selfish act and is childish. America needs to go back to everyone supporting everyone. Families need to hang together to help the families of deployed or TDY soldiers and they also need to hang together to help the spouses left behind to take care of everything. There is a definite lack of support systems in place for both the deployed and the ones left at home regarding this issue.
I agree wholeheartedly! This military life is hard enough without adding infidelity into the mix. I'm standing up for my marriage! Thank you for making it clear that I am not the only one who isn't shrugging this one off.
I dated my husband for 5 years then married him. Been married 2 years. Found out 1 year into our marriage he has been cheating. The man I dated and the man I now know as my husband are two different people. The man I thought I was married to would NEVER had cheated on me. I dated him through 4 deployments. Was faithful to him 150% and so I thought he was as well. We took orders overseas for 2 years. I had to come back to the states to handle his property and personal business and he got lonely and sought out an affair. Perhaps he was never who I truly though he was. Perhaps living 2 desperate lives have now clashed? Never been so hurt and devastated in my life and I have walked trough many trials. I now see why the diverse rate is so high in the military. They truly live 2 separate lives. Not sure Military wife is the right title for me any longer:(
I feel the same, sadly my military husband did not, nor did the woman he cheated with who was also married. We dated for years, I raised HIS children and felt like a single parent …they are not my children. He cheated on me a year into our marriage, got her pregnant and kicked me out. I got nothing and was not welcome to get my things later as it made HER uncomfortable
I am sorry for all who have been cheated on! Please remember God made us all different. So where one may cheat others may not. I know the void u have and I as well had a wife that cheated and no pain compares to the loss of your spouse by way of cheating. J
Instead of stating the obvious, how about writing words of encouragement for those facing this problem. You may think, with very fiber of your being, that you and your husband are exempt from ever cheating on one another, but facts are facts. And the cold, hard truth is that there are too many military men AND women who don't hold true to morals or family values when separated. They use deployments and time away from family to succumb to their fantasy worlds. And what about those "left behind." We can all rally behind one another and pound our fists against the table all we want, saying no to infidelity. We can bash those around us who condone it. We can even go so far as to name call and ridicule. But it doesn't change what is happening all around us. What has happened for decades behind us and unfortunately decades to come. So, congratulations to you and yours for your stand against infidelity. But, the way I see it, until there are severe consequences to the actions taking place all around us, it has and will continue to take place.
If we accept that infidelity is a part of the military life, then how can we believe that our daily struggles in this life are worth it. Infidelity isn't a military problem, it's a people problem. My main concern is with my marriage and if it takes believing that my husband will be faithful so that I can be steadfast in my commitment to him, then so be it. I am not blind to what is going on around me but I am not a sheep who follows the crowd. In the above article, I see a woman who is striking out on her own to say that she is not accepting the excuse that infidelity is a part of military life, and for her marriage to be worth everything she has and continues to put into it, fidelity and trust needs to prevail.
Very sad for the affected family members involved. But what do you do when you have been faithfully supporting your military member.this event sadly brings to light what seems to be way to common in military marriages. from the load of response this obviously hits home to many. Yes as many said you should have trust before the I do but those 6 mos to 13 mos deployments year after year don't help, when it is co-Ed military. this culture as a whole does not cherish a marriage as in time before, texting , video chat , FBI, etc makes it to easy. bottom line no one is immuned to be cheated on or cheating. respect to those who still have morals, and yes as far as Kathy Lee Frank did cheat.
If you or anyone thinks you're exempt from infidelity, I pray for you. If you honestly live with the "it will never happen to me" mentality, then you my friend are living a lie, just as I was. No, not ALL military spouses cheat. Yes, ALL military families are fighting a war from within against satan himself. So guard yourselves, your spouses, your children, and the four walls of your home with careful scripture and prayer. You can't do it alone. And you can't do it by simply writing an article exclaiming it.
The problem is that too many people get married for the fantasy, too young, as far as the demands of military life go. They don't understand at 20-22 years old (or younger) what they are getting into, which is completely understandable. But, it's better to know the person, to understand what temptations are all around both of you in the marriage, and to also know that nobody is "above it" when those temptations arise. Separations WILL cause strain, and although I do believe my husband has been faithful to me for 17 years, and we are Christians, and I have been faithful to him, that doesn't mean that hard times have not come to us and that we have not had to sit down and talk a lot at certain times when we've been apart a lot about why we are together and to take time to reassess. This is something young people don't understand, they get married, it's all fun and games at first. Take care of yourselves, get the help you need, don't rush into marriage, motherhood, etc. with your military spouse…take time to enjoy the fruits of the labor of your union! Sent in by a happily married active duty spouse and military brat…
Amen! Preach it, sister!
Thank you for this article!!! GReat..I am a young military wife and my husband and I hold true to what we vowed. I can only pray for us and our marriage. Infidelity does not have to be the end Even in Todays world..Thank you and I truely sympathize with those who have experienced it..
AMEN! AMEN! AMEN!!!!!!! Thank you for sharing! I soooo agree, and I don't care if anyone thinks I am stupid for feeling that way!!
Yeah, I am a male dependent and my wife has slept with her boss in the past. I have tried to work on our marriage, but it tough when we are apart. It happened in December 2007. We have been apart now for a total of 23 months and counting. It is a horrible feeling. Her boss knew she was married and they even admitted to being intimate at work. So now I know it can happen any time any where. I have been through depression, attempted suicide, and aged 20 years in the last 5. My life is miserable and I know I will never get over my trust issues. I have not given up on our marriage, but to say it is good is a lie. Why am I saying this here? Hopefully one person that reads this will avoid putting their spouse and children through this hell if they see this. I can tell you first hand, IT IS NOT WORTH IT.
Infedelity in UNACCEPTABLE!!!!
Jacob I understand what you are saying and how you feel! NEVER, NEVER hurt yourself b/c you are worth too much….your 'wife' and her boss are wrong. I know how you feel. Go get counseling….with or without her. My ex had filled in our 2 boys about his extra life and they met his 'gf' before I ever knew anything was going on! I haven't spoke with our grown boys in a year and a half….they hate me. If I have made it this far, you can too!!! Please take care.
Jacob I can totally relate. My husband did the same. I posted here towards the end if you want to read mine. Other people here have said "get over it, move on". Clearly they don't know the pain. Not just us, the children. My heart hurts for them daily. People, what is wrong with you?!
MY Husband had a transgression while my father laid in the hospital dying… he told me to stay as long as I needed to. I didn't know until I returned home why he was so amenable, I thought it was because he was sympathetic to my situation. But I was wrong. Fortunately, God showed me what was happening very quickly after returning home & I put the the kibosh to his shenanigans and threw his ass out & started loading garbage bags with his belongings… he went to our priest to confess and talk about it, our priest wasn't home. But he waited for hours in the cold dark winter night of Brunswick Maine… I let him come home and sleep on the couch. We are still together… but only because nothing physical happened; otherwise, it would be over! It is hard to move on when YOU STILL LOVE THEM. It isn't like you stop loving them as soon as they break your heart… They are the one that stopped loving not you, but at some point you will have to decide when it is time to move on for your marriage or out of it. My husband, I hope will never go any further than what he did while I was gone, (he kept our 2 children with him while I was away) so that was another disappointment… My husband might be a good liar, or maybe he is telling the truth, but I am going to let God guide me on this one… after all, he divinely led me to find out very quickly what was going on… I assume so I could save his soul from the fires of Hell. I let it be known to him that he was taking me down with him to the gates of Hell… I got a little scary for him, maybe I scared him into faithfulness.
Another thing I understand is you feel like when they go to these low levels of humanism, it feels like they are taking you down with them, and nobody can escape the pain. She will someday, if she grows up, realize how stupid she was… but it might be too late by then. My thinking is you deserve a time of sympathy & mourning, but eventually… you will have to put your life back together, with or without her & go on to find new joy and happiness.
Every ones marriage is different, if you haven't invested too many years & memories with her you might just chose to move on, if you have and you know each other well… then you should be able to determine if you mean enough TO HER to never do it again & if you don't, then you really have no other sane choice than to just move on without her. Losing a marriage really is like attending a funeral, a marriage just died and it is just as hard as losing a parent or child for those that were 100% in it!!! The affects really do last a lifetime.
This is my second marriage, my first ended because my husband cheated repeatedly and then finally left me for another colleague in the Navy. We had a child together… and it took a long time to even want to date again. I met my husband before I even wanted to date, but it seemed we were destined… we were very much drawn to each other. So it isn't like I don't know what I am talking about here. I dated my husband for 5 years before we married & he slipped up 8 years into our marriage. I pray it is the worst that has ever and will ever happen to our marriage. It is strange to say, but God blessed us with a baby 2 years after. BUT I do have a secret. YOU can't do this without God. We started attending a church regularly and became official members getting our marriage blessed and going through communion and confirmation – the whole process strengthened our marriage stronger than any marriage counselor or therapist could (we tried that and it just didn't work)!!! I will just say – look to God and he will answer.
I definitely agree, we should except fidelity in our marriage all the time. No matter how many times they are away
I was married to an Army man for 23 yrs who had an affair and after our divorce, he married the woman. Affairs seem to be pretty common. Marrying into the military is a tough road to ride. We give up our lives for our military spouse only to find out that was a one-way-street. Now we have no choice but to move on and the military refuses to look at what we have been put through.
This is so stupid. When are the few going to try and stop brainwashing everyone that people are suppose to be monogomous. Biologically this is not the case. And the divorce rate pretty much proves the point.
Thank you for your honesty Steven!
OK….. one wife started screwing around when I was in SE Asia…….. #2 was when I was in Korea…..
….. Uh Huh..
I have been divorce 7 years and I not at all taken God out of my life. And I will say the army isn't what it use to be and lawyers and Courts and to get some one fair. I went to the lawyer office and they gave me a book called Uniformed Service Former Spouse's Protection and told me to read it and the book is out dated and 50% of retire pay after tax is 45 % if that. Freedom cost so why not Congress and Supreme Court rewrite the the booklet it cost more to live now. I would change the amount percentage. I have a straight formula.
The soldiers get raises and they know how to beat and play the system. I have went though alot and to live on what I am getting No! I know the bible is true God going to judge SIN and adultery. A person can live Save in the Service purpose in there heart and not let Satan temp them. Proverbs tell s you how to live. I can't get mad at Company nor the Army , suite,just the guy that wore all the rear.
Since the USArmy punishes whoremongering==how can
Since the US Army punishes whoremongering and since VD in so common in laissons==how come we have not heard WHY Petraeus is still scot-free?
Twenty-three years married. We were both in the military. Still together because we are comitted to our marriage. We both could have cheated at one time or another, but chose the higher ground and our marriage is stronger for it. Don’t get married unless you are 100% certain your spouse is the only person you want to be with, even if you know there will be months you are seperated. The wait is worth it, your marriage is worth it. Our deployed spouses deserve our fidelity.
I think there's a lot of it going on I was in and all I heard about deployments was what happens over there stays over there which I think is pathetic for someone who is married to even think that way. Unfortunatly it happened to me and it still hurts even though it has been about 10 yrs. ago now. My wife and I are still married only by the grace of God. I just want to know what is wrong with people now days they have no moral standards and don't get the marriage vows or they just don't mean them. people need to understand that when two people have intercourse with each other they are sharring more than there bodies with each other they are intertwinning there souls. That's why God want's us to wait till marriage and be with only one person. We can take evil spirits from that person which attach to us and then not even realize it and later down the road get married and that spirit can show up and cause all kinds of problems between each other. It can cause a couple to get a divorse because God ordained marriage and Satan wants to break it up so he can win. It really breaks God's heart to see people destroy themselves by allowing Satan to infiltrate there marriage and destroy it.
Nathan you are exactly right. People think it is only a fleshly act but we are fighting demonic spirits. Thanks for shedding light on the true problem.
So correct me if I’m wrong here but it’s ok for a military man/woman to cheat or have affairs or show disrespect to others or have zero honor while they are home away or in the middle? There is nothing the other person who has been hurt and has stuck by them can do? Meanwhile they can keep us the charade of ” honor, respect that our country gives them, thanks and praise for defending our country home and away? ” bull. They should get no honor! Call me mean crazy or whatever but what ever happened to MORALS!
Agree.It's been almost 20 years since my wife cheated.The pain lingers and the trust is gone. Yes,it IS a big deal.
Beautifully stated. We are not created in man’s image and we are not expected to follow man’s ways. God created us and marriage to have a partner to help each other over come the world (the tree of knowledge of good and evil, the forbidden fruit). Each day we overcome infidelity or turn to that friend to guide us into faithful marriage, that is when we come together and “LiveHisDream”.
LiveHisDream in order to understand the path God created you for. As a child of God and a spouse.
LiveHisDream,
Kevin
What a load of racist crap!
Unfortunately mistakes happen and almost every military spouse I have talked has had the problem of their husband having a relationship with another women. This doesn’t mean they don’t love you or even that they wanted to cheat, But I know from recent experience that even the most trustful spouse can be put in a situation where a bond is made with another female, I was lucky in the aspect that my husband did not have sex wiith her, and when i finally realized what went on on his tdy and confronted him he realized what he had done to me and our family, he is now in counsling and we are working it out. I also find the single military women feed off men that are married.
I agree, my husband told me that there is one such girl on his ship that has broken up 3 marriages (the men all got thrown out of the Navy) and she is currently working on her 4rth. I pray my husband looks too old & tired for her to bother with. My question is WHY is she still there? Why hasn't she been dealt with? And when is she getting transferred, because for us wives it won't be soon enough!!! He also told me that she isn't the only one doing it, a lot of other girls are as well…. why is the Navy turning a blind eye to this? Won't it cost them less money and create more stable home lives if they just get the girls off the ships and out of combat positions in the long run… after all, it's our tax dollars paying for their birth control & condoms & STD treatments!!! And let's not forget all the illegitimate children as a result. (Population control) One woman has 5 young children… all spaced apart long enough that you know they were during deployments & they all have different fathers. Makes me SICK!
By the way, he probably did have sex with her, but is too cowardly to tell you the truth… I wonder about that same fact when it comes to my own husband so don't think I am throwing you under the bus on that one. OK…
Granted, this girl is a tramp, but tell me Dee, did she drag these poor men into her hotel room, and forced them to do her bidding?? Why just blame the women? As a former Marine one of the problems I have had is with dependent women blaming us for their husbands transgressions. As if he isn't responsible for his own actions. Are women impregnating themselves? I have deployed on a ship and know from experience that although affairs happen (and last time I checked, it took two to accomplish this) removing women from the ship is not the answer. I suppose their is no worries in a military spouses mind what happens when the ship is in port. We all know that your husbands opt to stay on ship and read their bibles. SMH
Unfortunately mistakes happen and almost every military spouse I have talked has had the problem of their husband having a relationship with another women. This doesn’t mean they don’t love you or even that they wanted to cheat, But I know from recent experience that even the most trustful spouse can be put in a situation where a bond is made with another female, I was lucky in the aspect that my husband did not have *** wiith her, and when i finally realized what went on on his tdy and confronted him he realized what he had done to me and our family, he is now in counsling and we are working it out. I also find the single military women feed off men that are married.
Unfortunately mistakes happen and almost every military spouse I have talked has had the problem of their husband having a relationship with another women. This doesn’t mean they don’t love you or even that they wanted to cheat, But I know from recent experience that even the most trustful spouse can be put in a situation where a bond is made with another female, I was lucky in the aspect that my husband did not have *** wiith her, and when i finally realized what went on on his tdy and confronted him he realized what he had done to me and our family, he is now in counsling and we are working it out. I also find the single military women feed off men that are married.
Unfortunately mistakes happen and almost every military spouse I have talked has had the problem of their husband having a relationship with another women. This doesn’t mean they don’t love you or even that they wanted to cheat, But I know from recent experience that even the most trustful spouse can be put in a situation where a bond is made with another female, I was lucky in the aspect that my husband did not have *** wiith her, and when i finally realized what went on on his tdy and confronted him he realized what he had done to me and our family, he is now in counsling and we are working it out. I also find the single military women feed off men that are married.
Many of you are very delusional. Either you get a beta male that you is so grateful to high heavens he got you because he isn’t unable to get anyone else, or you accept that it will happen and hope that he will be as discreet as possible.
The women tend to cheat physically because of emotional needs. The men cheat physically because he can, but he still loves only you. Typically. He is as faithful as his options and the longer without sex, the stronger the urge.
We all hide behind the needs of the woman instead of our own. We say we wouldn’t because she says he wouldn’t. Not true. Our needs have very different drives, our brains are wired differently.
And you are all unable, incapable, and unwilling to understand that because you are all emotionally selfish.
Don’t try to psycho analyze this, just accept it.
Oh how true this is.
You know…. It's about knowing how much the other person cares for you… it's about finding someone that you care more about keeping happy then yourself.. And in return them doing the same for you. If you are one of the lucky ones to find this.. then you will see that the end result of two people caring more about the other then themselves results in being happier then either ever knew imaginable. I am active duty and currently on my third deployment and could never ever see myself cheating on my wife.. She is everything to me and the hurt i know it would cause her is unbearable for me to even think about.. People cheat, people get hurt, such as life.. Get over it move on and hopefully you can get lucky and find that one you care about more then yourself. If not keep living in your fantasy world and believe it's just something that happens. NO!!! it's something that happens between two people that just are meant for one another!!!!!
Get over it? Move on? Surely you've never been cheated on with children…you don't "get over it". LOL
I agree – moving on with kids isn't so easy especially now when there aren't any jobs to be had!!!
Infidelity seems to rampant in the military..always has been.
Whatever…you all are in denial. After 15 years of marriage, two kids, and a faithful military spouse the entire time, I found out he cheated every time he was TDY. Not only did he finally admit it but he said all his buddies…yes ALL his buddies did too at all duty stations we were at. The Petraeus scandal is no shock to me and it shouldn't be to any military spouse. If it is then you need to wake up. There weren't any clues, we had a happy and healthy marriage and when I asked "why?" he said "because I could". And they can, and they do. They have all their "buddies" to back them up too because all of them are doing the same thing. Standards…morality…Christian or not, whatever. Sex is sex, enlisted or officer, male or female. There is no such thing as a "faithful" marriage anymore. Just because you have that ring on doesn't mean there is some magic fairy out there protecting your marriage. He (or she) can take it off while he is gone, or in my case (even worse) leave it on, nobody cares anymore as we can all see with this fiasco being brought to light. It's all disgusting and it's not just our military…
Or maybe he just tells you that all his buddies do the same so he looks better/not so bad by comparison…
A lot of people find reasons and people other than themselves to hold responsible when they make mistakes, including cheating on their spouses. When caught, it is not uncommon for them to say things like "Everybody does it" or "You drove me to it" and the likes… I understand you're bitter/angry/upset over your spouse cheating on you, still doesn't mean they ALL do…
True…but most of the others have admitted as well. Not to mention all the wives I know who are divorced for the same reason. Yes, I am bitter/angry/upset. I gave up everything for him so he could follow his dreams. I quit my career, raised the kids practically by myself, believed I had the perfect life only to be embarrassed. What are the women left with? Sure, I can get half his retirement but he destroyed my past, everything I believed was true was a lie. He also destroyed any future I imagined and most of all…he destroyed our kids future and what they believed he was. Now they have to go to daycare for the first time in their life, and I have to work late and they can't be in sports, or even have a normal social life because I am so tired by the time I get home. No more staying home with mom during the summer or when they're sick. Yeah, I'm bitter. Who wouldn't be? These women and men who have sex with known married people make me sick! They don't realize how many lives they're destroying just for 15-20 minutes of selfish pleasure. I would like to meet someone who hasn't. I haven't met one yet. I'm not trying to be a pessimist, just a realist. There is no such thing as "happily ever after"… I just don't think we were meant for just one partner. If we were, we wouldn't be having this discussion.
I agree army wife. I have been married only 2 years but with him 8 years. Been thru 4 deployments while dating and we married and took accompanied orders overseas. Had to come home to take care of property. Upon my return I found out he had been cheating. This was 1 year into our marriage. So now I am not sure who I am married to because certainly if he cheatedarried I am certain he was cheating every time he deployed. I believe the two lives clashed and the real deal came to light. I truly don’t know if I ever knew him….
I just read your story TLC :( Your assumptions are probably right. I actually didn't find out, he ended up telling me (long story how that happened). I had a "feeling" that he did but I never had any proof. Not to mention he was an amazing husband and father so I figured I was the one who was being a bad wife for even thinking those thoughts. Oh boy, was I wrong. He told me everything. It started less than a year into our marriage and when I look back I think "I thought those were the happiest days of our lives"….. *sigh* He said they were and he has always loved me. If it makes you feel any better I have come to realize (with counseling) that men have this way of having sex with other women without any emotion, where as us women do it out of emotion-they can actually "just" have sex and only love their wife. No, it doesn't make it right, but it's truth that women need to come to understand. He begs me not to leave him (we've been separated for about 23 months now) because he loves me so much and he never loved any of them (oh brother, like that makes it better). I know he does actually and he would do anything for me and my kids. I'm having a hard time believing it will never happen again because he admitted it happened EVERY TDY! AND just like some other comments posted, all the other guys did too. You have to decide if you can live with the fact that he WILL do it again, and probably has done it many other times, but loves only you. Or, you have to divorce and try to start over. From experience I can say "the grass isn't greener on the other side" honey, the grass is green where you water it. So you decide what you can put up with if he's willing to stick around….
IF he loves you so much and doesn't want you to leave then make him prove it, MAKE HIM CONTINUE TO FULLY SUPPORT YOU FINANCIALLY WHILE HE LIVES IN THE BARRACKS SO YOU CAN STAY HOME WITH THE KIDS… IF he loves you, he will do this!!! Make him prove his money means less than you do & make him prove he doesn't sleep around ANY MORE… hire a private detective. How much is he willing to sacrifice to save his marriage??? BECAUSE IT WILL TAKE SACRIFICE ON HIS PART TO MAKE HIM STOP HIS BEHAVIOR & CORRECT HIS ATTITUDE TOWARDS MARRIAGE. MAKE HIM SACRIFICE HIS ENTIRE PAYCHECK WITH ONLY A SMALL "ALLOWANCE" FOR HIM TO BUY NECESSITIES… It's total bullshit & we all know it… they will never sacrifice what we do for them!!! BUT if he does it, maybe you can fix him if he really wants to stay and be a good little boy now.
What you really mean is HE wasn't meant for just one partner, as I recall… you said you were faithful the whole time, so it seems to me that there might still be a chance for you to find a normal life again with someone else. Just make sure HE ISN'T MILITARY!
It is quite sad that infidelity happens. The signs are usually there too that it is going on. One issue I see in my own marriage though is the signs of cheating running concurrently with the symptoms of PTSD. Now I don’t mean to start a huge discussion but it is an important aspect to note. Many times I am distant and disconnected from my spouse and family. Cheating or PTSD? I have some anger issues and at times don’t act very appreciative towards my spouse. Cheating or PTSD? I’m not very open with my emotions and usually have trouble with showing appreciation through gifts or acts of kindness. Cheating or PTSD? So, you see, it can be mistaken. I would just hope that some people aren’t assuming what is going on in lieu of digging for the truth.
Well, listen to all of you all…………. I am married and love my wife with all my heart and soul… some of you all sound like wounded pups.. others sound like experts… As for me and mine.. God has blessed me with a beautiful wife and life and I am completely in love with her. This is my 7 tour, and we have been through alot the last couple years do to me getting hit my last tour. Being blessed with her and our relationship, Thanks to her things are good in my life and im an finishing up another tour right now. Ill be home in a few more days never to leave again. But i know in my heart and soul that my wife is the best thing that has ever happened to me and the Army has nothing to do with that………………………
You guys sound like me and my Sailor:)))) How blessed we all are.
If someone wants to cheat, they're most likely going to cheat. Whether or not one or both parties are service members makes no difference where THAT is concerned. A military spouse is no more or less likely to cheat than a civilian spouse.
Here's the reality check: the difference with the military lifestyle is that it offers more opportunities because of the long separations, and the consequences to one's career are potentially greater than in a civilian marriage. Because of those potential consequences, not to mention the cohesion among our service members, those who are cheating may be much more able to count on their colleagues to keep quiet about it to the spouses who are being cheated on.
None of this makes cheating acceptable. But the reality is that for some people, they see cheating as inevitable, and for some of them, it may very well be because that that's consistently what they've witnessed or experienced, and that can't be treated as invalid. Keeping our heads in the sand about it doesn't make the problem go away.
Spouses left at home also have a high percentage of infidelity. It’s a 2 way street.
Working in close proximity with shared gosls and interest, our partners must understand our vulnerability. Working with brave leaders with wonderful top level driven troops makes it easy for admiration and comraderie to cross the line. We are there with care, understanding that troops may NOT get at home. We are just as faithful as any other group, including lawyers, doctors, politiciand, business men, Presidents, etc. Ex. Roosevelt, Eisenhower, Kennedy, Clinton and they are just the ones we that got caught or outed somehow. As long as the mentality is “My spouse is married, I’m NOT”, then it will remain the same.
that may be true of women who married to get out of the house, out of the state, out of anywhere and didn't care who they married… but a woman who marries for true love… will tolerate a lot of BS before she will sink to that level. And kids make it less likely to happen if they have any morals at all. so marry someone with morals and your odds are better! Besides, you may not think so, but kids take up a lot of time and energy for most military wives!!! who has time to even think about sex when they are too busy changing diapers, keeping their teenage son in line, or comforting their elementary aged child because they miss Daddy??? I will gander to guess that most of the cheating going on is between military personnel and not the spouse left at home!!!
one more thing… it isn't your business to make our husband feel good about himself, he doesn't need you to give him an ego boost every time he has an argument with his wife!!! Let no man or woman tear them apart. That is what you are doing when you interfere with their relationship. Let them work it out, between them… go find your own spouse OR tend to the one you have!
I'm not here for infidelity either but that did not matter to my husband. My husband and I dated for five years before we got married. We were the "perfect" couple. All our family/friends were so jealous of our relationship. I was there for him when he had nothing and no direction. I stood by his side and overlooked his shortcomings. I always supported him and encouraged him. We have been married for 21 years (together for 26) and have two beautiful kids. Just recently I found out my husband had been cheating on me the entire marriage. Talk about pain and heartache. Anyone who knows him would never think he is capable of such a horrendous act. It was like he was two different people: the family man and the typical military guy.
So sorry…sounds almost exactly like my story. What did you do? Stay or divorce?
I'm still struggling with that decision. I want to leave but it is hard. One thing is I don't have the money to leave. I concentrated on his live and didn't take care of myself. Another reason is its hard to walk away after being together for 26 years. I love him and he has my heart, plus we have two kids who don't understand why daddy and mommy have to get a divorce. A third reason is he also has giving his life to God. He is a completely different man. He is fighting hard for the marriage. I am very confused and in constant turmoil about my situation. Infidelity is not a small matter and it crumbles your foundation and destroys lives and tests your faith. I will pray for you and I ask that you pray for me. God Bless.
He cheated at our home bases, while he was TDY, when he was deployed, and when we were stationed overseas. It didn't matter about his family being destroyed. And he only cheated with female military members because he knew they would not say anything about the affairs. Infidelity is acceptable in the military. As someone posted earlier, either you don't know they are cheating or you accept it. It is very sad that the values the military is suppose to display are just a sham. I used to believe in fairy tales but then the real world ran over me like a freight train. Good Luck to everyone and pray for the institution of marriage.
Again I will say its a sad world we live in if people can’t take responsibility for their actions. But then again they are never held accountable. Don’t ask don’t tell should be there motto. They are trained to keep secrets that’s how it is. When they should be held accountable and especially when kids are involved. They are the ones who hurt the most and for the longest.
I spend 22 years in the military. My wife and me had an agreement by her rules. They were: not to do in front her, don't leave her for the other woman, and don't bring home any disease. We don't care who did not like it. It worked for us.
OMG
I'm an active duty service member who came into the military with a husband and a five year old. We were a happy little family stationed in the states and overseas. I discovered whenever I went TDY or was deployed, my husband took it upon himself to engage in sexual indiscretions with my fellow Airmen's wives or other single service members who stroked his ego. Upon discovering that one of the civilian wives became pregnant, my weak husband denied immediately! Lied until the DNA proved the truth. I began divorce proceedings as soon as I found out he was cheating and well before the DNA proved what i already felt in my spirit. The women all stated that he said he was lonely and that I didn't care what he did. I could care less about either of them giving excuses or reasons for betraying me and our marriage, since I told my husband on day one of dating that I will not tolerate cheating, lies and hurting my child. That did not change upon marriage and I mad that clear. No matter how long we are together or how many children we have I will divorce him for infidelity. He embarrassed me and put my health at risk by having unprotected sex with other women then coming into our bed with no respect or regard as to my feelings. As a military member I was naive to the concept that my husband will never do what he did. I could never forgive and forget what he did, but leaving him, in spite of his begging, gave me the strength, although the hardest thing I've been through, showed me it was in his character to cheat on someone he claims to love and once a cheater always a cheater. I held to his standard to never cheat on him and never go to bed angry at him, therefore, my only option in that marriage was divorce as he exposed my child to his infidelity and created unnecessary stress to me, my unit and my leadership. Today I am happily single and still serve my country admirably along with my well rounded happy teenager.
Wow that's great for you. My husband brags about how he can't wait to deploy so he can cheat on me.
I felt the pain. My first wife used every field exercise, TDY, or duty as an opportunity for a ‘fling’, often with members of my own unit.
Sadly, some of the servicembers who slept with my civilian wife were also married. As some said, infidelity is a character flaw often associated with other immature behavior. It does take two to tango and both make the immoral decision to cheat on the absent spouse.
Great article! I have been on three deployments and my husband cheated during every single one. (And sadly, he is military too.) Obviously, we are now divorced. But, I wonder what my deployments could have been like, or my marriage for that matter, if there had been faithfulness, love, honor and respect…. Time has passed though and I am now dating a man who is strong in his faith and relationship with God. Perhaps my next deployment can be filled with exciting memories and an eagerness to actually come home.
Ms. E – you are dead on target. After reading some of the comments, one would have to think that there are some folks in the military, that are just plain stupid or just absolutely without honor. If one cannot control basic urges, then you are no better than my neighbors dog. Don't try to justify it nor tolerate it. If you can't even honor this most basic and sacred commitment, then you certainly don't belong in uniform, lack of judgement not withstanding. I don't care about what society at large does, since a comparison of the military to society on issues of morals or honor is pointless: e are better.
I spent 20 yrs in the Army from 1970-1990. During that time . I've seen one Maj. Gen. that had to retire because he was in a relationship with a civilan employee, the other Maj. Gen. was messing around with a Lt. Col. wife. this Lt.Col. was his best friend. One of the problems that i seen the blacks where the worse ones to try to get into woman's pants. white or black you name it. the white wife having a white husband. and messing around with the black. the same with the black woman. They will get on t.v. and cry becauces their husband is deploying over seas or out in the field for training . then the wife will head down town to the bar. and if this admin. wants to put these men & women out of the sevice for they would'nt have a Military.
seems to me if they are looking to downsize the military that these are the people they should start with throwing out… if you can't control you own basic urges & desires, if you can't remain faithful to your vows and your spouse – then how can you be trusted to not betray your countries secrets or represent its integrity??? Get rid of them all… we should only have good honest people serving. BUT on another note, who better to put on the front lines – cheaters should go first and save the good honest people for last in that case!!!
Really, the blacks? What the hell?? So now adultery has a color? You have got to be kidding me. Your comment is really ignorant.
May I add my own "mighty, mighty AMEN – Hallelujah!"??
And as my generation ALSO said, "Right-On!…Right-On!!"
I did my time in the Navy and I learm from my pass. Now my wife is in the Army and she gos TDY or has to stay over night. I say I’m going to go out and have a good time. The only good time I have, is to buy a 6 pack. Have 2 beers go to sleep and have the TV watch me. We are nurses, I know whats out there. I will not do any think hurt my Army Capt.
I have been married to my sailor for 11 years and 2 deployments and reservist drills which he takes as freedom to do as he pleases and cheat. I have talked with other spouses in his unit and have been told "that is what they do, get used to it". If that's what the military does, which lately appears to be, then these soldiers, sailor or whatever need to rethink their values. I have been told over and over just to tolerate it. Why? He wouldn't tolerate it from me.
I submitted a comment about being married to my sailor for 11 years and 2 deployments and reservist drills is his opportunity to cheat. I have been told by other spouses in his unit that "that is what they do, get used to it". Why should I get used to it? I do care about him and want to stay married but if this is the "norm" for military then I have not respect for our men and women in uniform. Especially the man in my life. I had a friend who postponed her wedding because her sailor was going on deployment and she knew he was going to cheat so she waited until he got home. How sad. My heart is broken and I am saddened by what our military can get away with.
Infidelity: a lost art indeed. When I was in the service circa 1972, I had a girlfriend back home. In those days "going steady" was called in some circles premature monogomy. While I did attend the dances at the rec center and conducted conversations, I knew I was not going to cross a certain threshold. I lived for mail call and letters from my girl. I had no control on what went on at home but I was committed to staying true to my girl. Unfortunately time and distance worked against the relationship and we broke up in 1975, I was devastated by the loss. People get together now but the emotional component is missing from the relationships. The laid-back syndrome has taken hold, if I break up with him or her, I can get somebody else on the rebound. Married couples aren't the only ones confronted with infidelity issues, non-married individuals face this too.
I wanted to share a unique perspective on the ever pervasive "military infidelity" topic as the former "other woman" who is now the spouse. I met my navy husband online. We began to date and I began to fall madly in love with him. He spoiled me, was great to my children, and we had the best times together. Little did I know, he was married. This awesome guy who I was beginning to see as a potential husband was MARRIED!! His wife called me, screamed at me, showed up at my home, stalked me at my job. I was soooo angry with my guy…I broke it off with him, but he wouldn't leave me alone. And honestly, I loved him so much. My heart was breaking, not only for me, but I saw how bad his wife was hurting as well. I eventually have him an ultimatum…her or me. He filed for divorce immediately. We are now happily married. I can't lie though, I do check various dating websites for his picture every once in awhile, because of the way we met. We have an elaborate story we tell other people of the way we met, because the truth is more than most can handle. I wanted to tell my story because so many times we bash the other woman, when the husband is guilty!! I had no idea he was married, and as a former online dater I can't tell you how many people I dated that turned out to be married guys looking for sex. It happens more often than we would like to admit, let's just be honest. As the other woman who has become the wife, I can say there is nothing you can do to prevent it, you could be Pam Anderson's clone who can have sex in 4000 different positions…when a man is done, he's done. Just find your happiness and don't get too dependent on them.
Unfortunately, you will never be able to completely trust him, because if he did it to HER, he will do it to YOU. Just ask my Ex's former mistress. Good luck to you. You are going to need it.
And just because he left her for you, and married you, doesn't make you any less guilty than he is. You CHOSE to stay involved with him AFTER finding out he was married.
I really enjoyed this article a lot!
I have a cautionary tale about infidelity and the military. When I was engaged to a commanding officer in the Navy, I had no idea that infidelity was an issue amongst the military. Sure, he was away at sea for stretches of time. but we had daily emails most of the time and I visited him during port calls in Florida and then, when the boat did a change of homeport and a WESTPAC deployment, in port calls in Asia and then Hawaii. I was involved with the FRG, made friends with the other wives and girlfriends (it was an all male command), and attended balls and scholarship auctions. We were engaged with a fat sparkly diamond and plans for a wedding on his parents' wedding anniversary. Good Times. Three Years of Happy Good Times, filled with "I couldn't have done this without you" emails or "knowing you were there waiting for me at the pier makes me the man I am" or "we can get through anything and everything together." He was really depressed and weepy in the few months before his command ended and so there were desperately sad emails about "tears on my boat" and clingy, worried emails when one day, in the midst of a large relocation, I didn't manage to send him an email. I was worried about him and what his life would be like after his command ended, it had been such an important milestone in his life and he thought it was unlikely he' d ever spend much more time at sea. I always felt loved and treasured by him and very important to him during his entire command.
Except, it turned out it was all a fraud. I moved to Guam because he asked me to, after his command ended. He had even dragged me to a couple's counselor several times because I hadn't wanted to go! He had also wanted to elope in September (our moves were in February) before he had an extended time at sea, but I wanted to wait to have our wedding with our families as planned. I had to leave the mainland first because my new job needed me so I was there without a stick of furniture, without blankets or pillows, and without my pet. I had two suitcases; most of my belongings had gone into storage in his name on the mainland.
He emailed me a few days after I got there: he was in love with someone else whom he had met a year earlier during his post-deployment debrief. She hadn't believed who he was at the time but later saw him in uniform. They emailed for a few weeks and then she met him in Hawaii, two weeks after I was there and wearing his ring. He decided he was in love with her and so she would be attending the Change of Command ceremony (where my friends were going to be!) the next day. He wasn't going to Guam but instead went to DC and he cut off ALL contact. The phone was gone; his address was gone; his email was gone.
I was badly shattered and very frightened. I was at least 6,000 miles from anyone I had ever known without even the comfort of a familiar blanket or cup of tea. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around what a sad little coward he is.
I later found out that there was yet another woman, long distance, during his entire command until, in her words, he "pulled a cowardly breakup." There were also rumors of very unsavory things that happened during the WESTPAC port calls. How do I know this? Because "friends" came out of the woodwork to tell me this, AFTER my move. Thanks everybody! #eyeroll
I heard from one wife who condescendingly told me that, of course, her husband would never do something like this, but she had also had bad duty stations and I shouldn't complain. She had also spent time with the new woman in Hawaii. Other people suddenly could tell me about the first other woman who had been at some port calls when I couldn't be.
I had been around security clearances my whole adult life and thought his double/triple life was a national security risk. Um. Nope. Not. At. All. His Commodore, at the time, ignored my complaint but told me that, in my now mixed experience with the Navy, my efforts on behalf of the boat's crew and families were much appreciated. Seriously? What does that have to do with anything that matters? "Sorry your life and livelihood got shredded, but, hey, thanks for those bake sales!!!"
He's back in command again, this time with young women on board, and his 3+ years of daily fraud and deceit still do not matter to the Navy. This surprised me because the Navy has said that it is cracking down on "immoral and dissolute" behavior but that must mean something else to the Navy then it does to me.
There is something seriously afoul with a culture that encourages men such as him. There is something even more troubling to me that so many people (dozens of men on his boat and dozens of women I knew ashore as well as his military family) knew what was going on and didn't ever say a word. I've never in my life known there could be so many cowards.
I am still so grateful that someone else took out my garbage.
Recently the Navy War College Review published a long article about the behavior of commanding officers and they've put online my thoughts on the topic. It may appear in the Spring 2013 print edition of their journal. http://www.usnwc.edu/Publications/Naval-War-Colle…
I plan to do more writing about this. I think my experience is informative about this important topic. I also know that I can entertain people with "the best breakup story EVER." :-)
Thanks y'all! I hadn't expected anyone to find me through linkedin, this isn't related to my former career, but somehow you did! I appreciate the messages I received. Yes, I'll definitely be writing more. Thanks again
HOLY HELL. So sorry this happened to you.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. I really appreciate it when someone gets how ridiculously terrible it was.
It totally shattered me and my whole belief system about being able to trust another person.. much less a system like the military that makes pompous claims about integrity but then allows cruel cowards like him to command.
I still realize that I am *incredibly* fortunate that I am not the one who got stuck with him.
Cheating is pervasive at the highest levels and something must be done to protect loyal spouses. I do believe it is worse in the military because as someone else here has mentioned, power corrupts. My former spouse is still serving and still climbing the ranks! He even wore his chest full of medals to our court date a couple of years ago and he lied, yes lied, under oath. Of course, I have no definitive proof of these events, only the whispered threats and comments from him to me that indicate the truth and the level of his betrayal to our son and I. He's now remarried to a foreign national turned recent U.S. citizen. I have had a phone conversation with her to explain that if she ever needs my help, I will be here for her. We were married for over nine years and releasing him prior to ten years became my most powerful bargaining point in making sure our son be cared for. Of course, after years of loyalty, my son and I are on our own, minus the child support he sends (and complains about, schemes over having reduced, etc.). I am not angry, nor surprised, nor disappointed– except for my son and all he has lost. Still, he has gained more by living in a house of truth. I have my dignity and the knowledge that I was committed to my duties and promises. He, Commander so-and-so, cannot take my honor nor my commitment to my family from me. So, my advice to those who find themselves dealing with the aftermath of a similar betrayal is to accept the facts and move on the very best way you can find to do so. All of this said, some systems, policy and cultural changes are in order. You, all of you still in the system, are the ones who can best change things for the better, from within the system. Those of us living outside of the military are simply put, pretty powerless, to force needed change. The next time someone you know is involved in this kind of situation, ask yourself what you might do to help them. It was another officer's wife, the wife of a colleague of my former husband, who disclosed what she knew about the state of my marriage to me. She, in doing so, gave me choices. The military provided only him with support. Again, not surprising, as they were very heavily invested in him. I was not an asset with military or monetary value, just the support I provided to families and spouses in his various commands over the years. I'm proud of what I accomplished then and have since. I urge you to be the change you would like to see, military families. You are strong folks!
Please read my post below, if you return to this topic. I was 32 when my former husband and I married. This is not just a problem for the young, as we've recently been reminded of, more than once in the media. Jenny's advice is solid, make sure you "check in" with each other, often, especially during and after deployments. May your marriage be a long and happy journey together!
I am sad to say, but infidelity among military members is very common and swept under the carpet especially when it involves high ranking NCO's and Officers. My ex-husband had an affair with one of his troops, she received a discharge and he got a promotion. He later had an affair with an officer and they said they could not find proof. Again he got promoted. He is now a retired CMSgt and his current wife a Colonel. I was in the Air Force for over 10 years, when I went TDY it seemed to be a free-for-all for the men and some of the women. Just like the saying "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." In the military, "What happens on a TDY stays in the TDY." Although I stayed faithful to my husband, my roommate who was single was going out with one of my friends husband. I betrayed my friend, because I could not hurt her feelings, but I felt very guilty. She later found out about the affair, because the girl got pregnant. Needless to say, the Air Force did not do anything about the affair, my friends husband retired from the Air Force several years later.
This makes me so sad. I am sorry for each heart ache sustained. People seem to feel that relationships and people are disposable these days. They are not. I think that for some their character is such that they really never feel remorse, and that they didn't really ever enter into the relationship with the intention of "forever, no matter what." These marriages are doomed. I would like to point out that sometimes just due to life stresses, and/or momentary personal weakness, mistakes are made. Some marriages can be salvaged with very hard work, and some are worth saving. The important point in those situations is the determining of which category your marriage falls in.
I am sure someone has already mentioned it, but there is a way to strengthen a marriage against this trap. The Bible says, "a three fold cord is not quickly broken." Having a personal faith in God, taking the time to worship with others who are of the same faith, and being aware of the threat always, and actively working to strengthen and protect your marriage. Meaningful communication is the greatest tool I know of to accomplish this with. Time is the commodity which is required to use this tool. Of course the more of this that is done before the marriage, the greater the hope of faithfulness, and more importantly, a deeply satisfying relationship. The statistics show the military is no less faithful than the rest of the population. I will find the study I read and post a link to it. Hard math facts don't lie, and think about it… among the "regular" population, what is it that they face that even comes close to the challenges that military marriages face? There is hope. There is success. There is faithfulness.
I recommend reading this and going forward proudly and confidently, taking the steps that you can, and leaving the rest to God.
http://www.stripes.com/news/military-marriages-sh…
Here is another good link…
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/26/military…
I just read this…. My thoughts on this is that this does not just apply to the military. The military is a reflection of the society it protects! We are not free or exempt from pitfalls of life as we are ordinary people too. The only difference is we are willing to do a job that not many sheltered Americans are willing to do. That is why we are praised and held high in society over an ordinary citizen that cries freedom and entitlement but does not fully understand what it takes to earn that freedom.
My thoughts on what it comes down too is that infidelity is not acceptable. BUT, we are given choice and it is all about the choices we make or do not make. In marriage we make a vow, oath, or commitment and united by God. With that being said we are committing to the other person that we are going to love them unconditionally (as God does us) and without judgement. Regardless if the significant other puts a knife in our back. Again, it comes down to choice.
Question, if a loved one… Son, daughter, mother, father, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, and/or cousin has a debilitating addiction do we turn their back on them because they are not theirselves?
The correct answer is you shouldn't. It would be no different under infidelity. I am NOT saying that all of these infidelity cases should be treated the same as each is a case by case and may have their own set of circumstance. However, again it is a matter of choice, understanding, and willingness to look at the problem (if there is one) and determine if their is a solution or NOT.
If cheating is a prevalent as is being said here…. I have a word the president has used… change… It is time for change.
Great article! One that needed to be written as this subject was all in the back of our minds, and knowing that the civilian world believes this type of behavior is "normal" for military personnel. My husband has been active duty for twenty-one years, we have been apart many times but our trust in each other has kept our marriage strong. Trust. A word that is needed at home and at work. The soldiers have Army Values to keep; Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless Service, Honor, Integrity, and Personal Courage. These words are words to live by, not just for the work place. If one follows the Value system, infidelity would never be an issue. Unfortunately, character is often left behind; this is true for military members as well as spouses.
I have been married for 17yrs,with my husband for 20yrs. He was my first, he is six yrs my senior, i never understood why he acted the way he did but i stupid,just didnt know. i worked three jobs took care of our children stayed faithful through 8 deployments and come to find out 13yrs into the marriage he had been cheating, tried to work it out. After my hubby last deployment he came home running the streets and disrespecting me,got a dui and I still stuck by him what do i get for being a good wife i thought if i worked hard,took care of our children and stayed in shape everything would be alright. YEAH RIGHT!!! All you women or men that think your spouse over seas can be faithul, keep the hope alive but dont be blinded be real and know that anything can happen
That's what I expect from my husband (TO BE FAITHFUL) if he's faithful to me then i will be faithful to him but if not I will do the same thing to him so he will feel what it feels like to be cheated.
I am a male spouse and my wife got sent to Korea. Now i feel that it is pulling us apart. She hangs out all night past curfew, get drunk every weekend, and spends the night (with some friends) at a E7's house. My wife is an E4, This E7 is not in her chain of command. i offered to pay for her hotel. She said that people get kidnapped from there and i was putting her in danger. Another girl stays with her there and her husband deployed with one of his friends and she trusts him. Whats so weird is that we were good before she started to hand out with them. Love notes, letters, phone sex, which by the way stopped for 3 months, now i'm fighting for her time. She says she does not want to be trapped in the barracks and needs to go out, but im i supposed to be alone while she parties every weekend. I should ditch her.
Does Korea change some one. Her excuse is that it is military life but im jealous as hell. It went from SGT. to just the last name to a nick first name. When i bring the issue up, she gets all defensive and hangs up on me or says she does not want to talk about it. Our time on skype is becoming a minimal and im getting worried. She swears to me nothing is going on, but i have my doubts. I have explained to her numerous times how i feel about it with little to no remorse. I am a full time student so i try to stay occupied, and i know they work their ass off out there, and need to release stress, but am i wrong for drawing a line there. I would appreciate some advise and i do not want to jump the gun and leave. Is this a military standard like she claims, Or a TDY ( temporary divorce for a year). Has anyone gone through this before.
she's probably cheating… can almost place a $100 bet on it if I had a $100 bill!!! this is just like the guy who came home from a deployment and his wife wouldn't have sex with him. He asked my husband how often we did it… and we're old by this guys standards. I told my husband she was probably having an affair and didn't give it up yet or felt guilty about it. – my husband didn't believe me… but folks these people are not good at hiding an affair most times. you can usually see the writing on the wall like graffiti. A week later, he told me I was right… she was having an affair. So… I think your honey… is having an affair… it's not like she is stressed out because she is in a war zone. Not much really going on in Korea is there??? My husband spent a whole year in San Diego, and only rarely went to the movies, never ate out unless it was fast food, and pretty much kept to himself. He also called me every day more than once! BECAUSE he respected our marriage and wanted to prevent being in the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the wrong person, and the wrong thing happened. Your lady has gotta grow up but it sounds like she isn't interested in that at all.
wow not what i wanted to hear. Thank You….I'll do some more digging. We have 10 Years under our belt….but i'm confused. I'll wait till she get home and see if it's like that….if she won't have sex than i'll assume she has cheated.
I am a male spouse and my wife got sent to Korea. Now i feel that it is pulling us apart. She hangs out all night past curfew, get drunk every weekend, and spends the night (with some friends) at a E7's house. My wife is an E4, This E7 is not in her chain of command. i offered to pay for her hotel. She said that people get kidnapped from there and i was putting her in danger. Another girl stays with her there and her husband deployed with one of his friends and she trusts him. Whats so weird is that we were good before she started to hand out with them. Love notes, letters, phone sex, which by the way stopped for 3 months, now i'm fighting for her time. She says she does not want to be trapped in the barracks and needs to go out, but im i supposed to be alone while she parties every weekend. I should ditch her.
Infidelity and military service… It's part of the culture and will continue to be until there is no longer a need for the Armed Forces.
It is what it is .