When Kelly’s husband came back from Afghanistan, bronze star in hand, he started his captain’s career course ahead of his peers. Kelly found herself suddenly feeling like there was something major missing from her life.
Once upon a time, Kelly had her dream job, too. Before she moved to El Paso, TX with her then boyfriend, now husband, she worked as a counselor in a residential group home for adolescent males who had been convicted of sexual offenses.
Kelly wrote in a recent email, “I didn’t realize it until I left, but I gained so much satisfaction from that job. I wasn’t making bank, but it brought me a lot of self-worth by helping others through counseling.”
Even though Kelly did exactly what we tell spouses to do—get a part time job and go back to school until you can get the job you want—she hasn’t been able to reconnect with that feeling of self-worth and accomplishment.
“What can I do for right now to get through the feelings of hopelessness?” Kelly asked.
Excellent question. I hear the same thing from spouses all over the country. They love their military member. They would gladly move all over the world for him or her. Yet there is this lingering feeling that while their ambitions are moving ahead, yours fall further and further in sight.
This feeling is supposed to be especially hard after a servicemember graduates from a school or has a promotion ceremony or takes command. Spouses report that along with the pride they feel in their beloved, they often have this little, secret, inward oh.
When I get that feeling, I used the Old Lady Defense. I remind myself that my grandmothers lived well into their 90s. This year is not the only year of my life. I will be an old lady someday with plenty of good career years behind me. I tell myself that the curtailing of my ambitions is only temporary.
What would you tell Kelly to do to get through her feeling of career hopelessness?
About Jacey Eckhart
Comments
Every honest job has value. Just because your husband's job is dangerous and undertaken in the name of the country doesn't make it more important than, for example, the guy who fixes your car or the high school teacher or the newspaper editor. We need all those things for a functioning society. Don't sell yourself short.
I feel like this is a really common feeling. Like no matter what you do their sacrifice trumps whatever aspirations you have. My husband is super supportive of me no matter what but to society as a whole I fee like he is seems as contributing more and having more value than I. And then on the other side of the coin it doesent help that army spouses with careers are seen as less than supportive because they have their own thing going on. Such is the case most of the time but spouses can't win either way.
How does one tread water through that sea of hopelessness when even their own spouse reminds him or her constantly that the military job/career will always be "more important than anything she could ever do"? I see far too many of my brothers and sisters in arms coming back and belittling everyone around them for not understanding what's going on "over there," often forgetting that they aren't the only ones that have deployed. Many military spouses are veterans themselves. I'm afraid there is something going terribly wrong with our military culture. Gratitude and humility seems to be escaping us at the moment. Every job is important. Every person in important.
A sense of value, accomplishment, and self-worth comes from within. This is an issue I see with many military spouses. Basing your value on anyone other than yourself is fruitless. We all make choices. We all choose our paths. We choose to be with our spouses. We have chosen a life that is fluid and rootless- that's the nature of military life. We also must choose to find happiness in that life, and basing our own self-worth on our spouses' will bring nothing but a lifetime of misery.
I think every milspouse probably feels this at one time or another. What helps me is 1) I have accepted the fact that his career comes first and that what he does is objectively more important than anything I could ever do, but at the same time 2) I know that he values my work SO much and he wants me to have a satisfying career. We have had so many talks about money and careers and we know exactly what each other’s thoughts are. Right now I have a ton of student debt and am getting it down to a certain amount before getting married. After we get married, it will be my responsibility to pay the rest off with whatever job I get. That is extremely important and I know he is rooting for me and will do everything he can to help me get a great job/career when I’m an army wife. I know that he will value and be proud of my contribution to our marriage (which will be paying off my debt so we can be debt-free). Also, he has a humble attitude about his position…when he was deployed, I remember this time when I told him how proud I was of him, and he brushed it off and said “whatever, it’s just a job.” He knows it’s not “just” a job, yet he continues to be humble about his duty. That makes me even prouder of what he does and helps to rid myself of any selfishness that might creep in. I’ve felt the jealousy type of “whatever I do won’t EVER match up to what he’s doing” before, because like everyone else, I have my moments of weakness and selfishness. But all these things I’ve listed help keep it just an occasional, passing feeling and not a chronic problem.
Sounds so familiar. I am married to an officer but at the same time I am the breadwinner of the family, working in the very demanding field with several years of experience, and being a university professor. I get promoted, salary increases, the company I work for appreciates me to the moon and back…. and still I occasionally experience belittling, not from him but from others around.
I hear comments like "what are you going to do next xx weeks while he is gone" and such. And my typical answer is "I keep doing the same I have been doing past xx weeks, travel around the country for my meetings, live my life".
I wish I was as adjusting as some other spouses above but unfortunately I want to have my career, and do something where I get satisfaction – mentally and financially. While I wholeheartedly support my husband (and he supports me), I am very determined to do whatever I find the best for myself. And I try to remind myself about the importance of what I am doing: in fact my everyday work with the technology helps to keep our troops safe and sound while home or far away. But I do not get the similar recognition for it like my spouse for graduating from a class and whatnot.
I am in exactly the same boat.
I'm married to an officer, but I'm an officer myself. He's deployed & I am at home with our two month old, while I continue to work full time active duty. I do often feel like people forget that I signed up to die for our country too. It's like he is the big war hero, and even though I have been in the military longer and also have a juris doctorate…I am still just the army wifey. It's ok and I'm glad to serve and to take care of our baby while he's gone, but I wondered if any other military spouse who is also active duty feels that way (sometimes). Don't mean to sound like a jerk, & I am proud of him and wouldn't have married him if I weren't & didn't love him terribly, it is just a really passive feeling that I get occasionally. Like when people ask him about his time in service, and then they turn and only ask me about the baby. Sometimes it helps when he says thank you for all the things I do for our marriage/family. I say thank you too. Makes me feel more appreciated and less competitive.
I, too, have dealt with this issue, giving up several jobs that I loved in law enforcement to move with my husband due to PCS orders, only to have to start all over on the bottom of the ladder and everyone think of you and treat you like a rookie again, going through the same training again because it's a different state. This third time, I have given up since he has come home from Afghanistan, looking forward to a promotion and treating like crap since "he" is making the money, needless to say, divorce is in the works. Maybe if the Army REALLY cared about the family, they would extend PCS orders to the 7- 10 years like they had talked about before, or ever gave some consideraiton to your so- called "first- choice" and let you plant some roots, we would see less divorce rates, happier wives and children that don't have to worry about moving every other year.