Our son enlisted in the USMC right after high school graduation. Five years later, on his second enlistment, he tells us he was “really in love this time,” with a fellow Marine. Deme was a woman we had never even heard of, let alone met.
To say we were in shock would be an understatement. We were in Pennsylvania. They were in Hawaii. A getting-to-know-you visit was out of the question. This was long before Skype and social media, so it was left to phone calls and/or letters. Fortunately, Deme was just as interested in trying to get along for Doug’s sake as we were.
While the past 16 years have had their rocky moments, the key to getting through those moments, as in every other situation, was a willingness to communicate and at least look at each other’s point of view. That has seen us through multiple deployments, overseas tours and thousands and thousands of miles between us (although from 1988 to 2001 we lived two blocks apart, which is a whole other story).
These are the thing make someone a good parent-in-law, also makes for a good daughter-in-law or son-in-law.
1.Tops is LOVE. In our case, Deme’s love for my son comes through in everything she does. I admit he’s far from perfect, and while she also admits he has shortcomings, she loves him anyway, just as I do.
2. Keep us in the family loop. Communicate, communicate, communicate, which is a lot easier with today’s social media. Facebook photos, emails, texts don’t take the place of a good, long phone chat, but they go a long way to making us feel like we are still an important part of our son’s life.
3.Remember patience is a two way street. This is my baby we are talking about. Sometimes it’s hard to see beyond the childhood memories. He left us as a teen, worried about acne and the like. It’s sometimes hard to reconcile that with the man you know, the father of your kids/our grandkids. He’s spent so much time away from “home.” How the heck did he grow up without us knowing? (When did I become middle aged?)
4.Visit with us. Whether we come to visit you, or you come to visit us, don’t lock yourself away, physically or mentally. How can we bring you inside the family if you insist on acting like we have “cooties.”
5. Invite us. Ask us to be part of your family. Even if we can’t make it to the birthday parties, etc., it’s nice to be invited. Follow that up with a photo (or 20).
6. Accept our help. You don’t have to do it alone. Our son chose you, so you are someone special. Most grandparents would love to spend some alone time with the kids, so go out with your friends once in a while. Even better, let the kids with us while you and your spouse enjoy a night out on your own, especially before and after deployments. Heck, make it a weekend.
7. Allow us to brag about our grandchildren. The years pass by so quickly. In many cases, our grandchildren are growing up without us. So please share their silly stories, photos, report cards, etc.
8. Have some concern for us. Ask how we’re doing and listen to our answers. Let us share our memories from your spouse’s childhood. Get to know who we are besides just parents/grandparents.
9. Help us stay informed - Please don’t make us hear about our “baby’s” deployment from the media. Unless we come from a military background, we have no idea what a FRG is unless you tell us. Yes, it should be his job, but he probably won’t even think of that.
10. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you . We all have our faults, but a little respect, concern, compassion and love goes a long, long way.
Our son and daughter-in-law are in the U.S. Air Force now. He is on active duty. She is a milspouse. They have gifted us with three precious grandchildren. Our daughter-in-law practices each and every one of these “talking points,” allowing us to be part of her/their family even though they are too far away for regular visits.
I hope I am as good of a mother-in-law as she is a daughter-in-law. Every person, every relationship is different, but a little respect goes a long, long way. If we, as parents, want to continue to be part of our grown children’s lives, we must learn to share. That goes the same for our children’s spouses.
Kathy Kunkel lives in the coal regions of Pennsylvania. Her husband is a former Marine. Her son spent 8 years in the Marine Corps and is now in the Air Force. Mrs. Kunkel is not currently accepting applications for new daughters-in-law, but wishes you and yours every happiness.
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This is seriously wonderful. I really, really like my FMOL. That is, until my BF enlisted, then everything went downhill fast. However, after enough pushing his parents came around, and now that he's home from training, things have drastically improved. Without him, it felt like there was no cohesiveness. His mom would say one thing and mean another, and since I hadn't grown up with her, I was always left confused, angry or hurt (sometimes all three). But, looking back on it, I understand her situation now. He only son and the youngest of the family was finally doing what he's talked about his whole life; it was suddenly REAL. Her baby was far away learning how to be dangerous and survive encountering other dangerous people. And to top it off, I was the one who got the phone calls and letters. And I could have done more to reach out to her and include her. I just wish I had found this beforehand. But, live and let learn!
My future mother in law passed away several years before I met & fell in love with her son. Sadly I will never have a mother in law. Some may say I'm lucky, but I disagree. She was a military spouse to two husbands. I think she and her deceased husband would've been a big help to their son, me and his daughter in deployments & all the time her son has spent away. It would've been great to have a woman to talk to who understands what it's like for me. It also would've been great to know there was another set up parents who could sweep in if there are any emergencies. It's also sad that our kids will never have grandparents on that side of the family. Despite the challenges of the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship, knowing I will never have that opportunity, I see a lot of potential blessings there.
Having been the victim of an evil mother-in-law who even encouraged her daughter to cheat while I was overseas, here are a few rules that would make the transition easier–this time for the mother-in-law.
1. Your child's spouse is, indeed, good enough for him or her. Act like it.
2. Small day-to-day decisions by the child and spouse are none of your business. They neither seek nor want your input.
3. The child-in-law (and now your child) probably live differently than you do. They have somewhat different values, interests and goals. Yours are not etched in stone. Don't try to force yours onto them.
4. Your child already knows the spouse has flaws (as does your child). Your child accepts them as part of the whole picture. Don't hone in and harp on them.
5. Remember your child now has a mother-in-law as well. Get to know her (and her husband) and treat them with respect and a mutual love for your children. And remember that your child may spend some holidays with the opposing in-laws; yours isn't the only game in town.
Agree!!!!!
This is so sweet. I've had a hard time getting to know my own mother-in-law to be, for many reasons, but this inspires me a lot. I always felt like because his parents didn't seem interested in hanging out with me, I should keep my distance and give them space. I've never *really* tried to connect. I will be bookmarking and sharing this. Thank you so much for taking the time to give us this advice and share your perspective.
gallawaygirl- Thanks for the reminder! Your words really speak to me. I have also been hurt by my ML, and I still can't quite figure out where she's coming from sometimes. I do love her, though, and I feel I can do much better. It's easy for me to forget that my big strong man is still somebody's baby.
You can't imagine how much this has hit home with us. Well done, Guest!
I'm the mother-in-law of a fantastic daughter! She is married to our only child and I feel like the luckiest mother in the world. I think there is some MIL advice that needs to be added.
*Develop your own relationship with the new member of your family. Treating her as her own person and not just an appendage to your child will enrich you both. Unconditional love becomes a two way street all by itself.
*Communicate directly. If you want to know how she feels don't ask your son. He may get it wrong.
*Don't give advice unless asked. Even when asked don't check to see if your advice was followed.
*if your grandchildren go to bed sans bath, ask yourself, "Is this really important?". In other words, stay out of the child rearing. Even if asked, be judicious with the amount and content of the advice. ALWAYS be the one that sings your grandchildren's praises. BE blind to their faults. Plenty of other folks will point those faults out. Your job is to be the adoring one.
*Don't be jealous. if your DIL' s folks love your son, celebrate that you raised a loveable person. Heart's only grow with love, your child's heart still has room for you. There is only so much visiting time to share. Even if the other side is demanding you can be the easy one. We're lucky. Both families are close geographically and I think we're all easy. We share holidays and include each other in celebrations. That's the best way if at all possible. We're all related, through our grandchildren.
*Deployments and Homecomings. If you're wanted be there. If you're not wanted you won't be invited. Generally, in our family we're there for the departure. We can be helpful and it seems to be a comfort to our DIL to not come home to an empty house. Homecoming though is a different story. I'm not sure we'd go if invited. They need to be just them because we understand that it's not as easy as it sounds to settle back in.
I hope I don't sound 'preachy'. I try to follow my own advice and it seems to work out pretty well.