Miscarriage is not unusual among military spouses. According to the the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, up to 25% of clinically recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage.
That doesn’t make it easy. When you combine a miscarriage with a PCS or a deployment, that makes the experience that much harder. Kalani, a young Navy spouse, wrote in to ask our SpouseBuzz readers for a little advice:
When my husband and I found out we were having a baby, we were more than happy and very excited about our soon-to-be new addition. The military hospital we were receiving care from gave us options of many different classes we could take on becoming new parents. They recommended books and pamphlets to read.
Four months into the pregnancy we suffered a miscarriage. Now I’m left searching for help and grief counseling. I haven’t been able to locate or find support groups in my area. Is there any military based counseling or support groups for things such as this? Online or on bases?
It’s really frustrating to feel like doctors are silently telling you to “move on,” saying that this something they commonly see. We just went through a deployment and a PCS and now the loss of our baby. Help is greatly needed!
My first instinct is to recommend that Kalani call Military OneSource 1.800.342.9647 to get a little counseling. This is exactly the kind of situation Military OneSource was designed to help. They offer face-to-face counseling in your local area, counseling by phone, online counseling and even health and wellness counseling. Having the ear of someone who is one your side that you don’t have to impress can be really helpful after a move.
If you have experience a miscarriage, what would you advise this young couple? Is there a program or book that worked for you? Are there right words or right things that this couple could say and do for each other?
About Jacey Eckhart
Comments
I have had 5 miscarriages and I agree that there isnt much support from the military. That being said, I did see a wonderful counselor through fleet and family and she suggested I join a miscarriage/baby loss group through our local hospital. I wish the military hospital offered something like this though. Honestly, the best support I have received has been through facebook support groups. There are many out there for people who have suffered a miscarriage. Good luck!
I dont know what prompted me to check Facebook, but I did find some support groups on there and like you said, they have been comforting. I haven't been a military spouse for too long, but I think I'm shocked that there is a lack of support in this area. Thank you for bringing up "fleet and family support". I didnt even think of that, because my husband and I are not attached to a base (sort of but not really…long story there). If there is a fleet and family center its probably about an hour away from us or more…I'll definitely check into that tomorrow and make some calls. THANK YOU!!!
It took time. My husband went to BCT right after I miscarried. It was very difficult and I didn't always handle it well.
Just know that it wasn't your fault, and it will be better next time around.
think the common denominator that I'm getting from everyone is….time. I'm really hoping for next time around to be better than the first. But honestly, thinking of next time is exciting and scary all at the same time since this was our first. It's all still new and recent for us. So I know it will be some time before we try again. THANK YOU, I appreciate your response!
Kalani
The darkest days of my life were post miscarriage. I blamed myself for a really long time. We already had 2 kids and the youngest was only 9 months and had 2 ICU stays and major surgery. I was shocked to be pregnant again with an IUD in place! I questioned God on why he ordained this…. I just didn't know if I could handle a 3rd child so soon. Then I miscarried a month after learning. I was 12 – 13 weeks. This coupled with incompetent care in the ER …. My husband finally convinced them to call my OB/GYN. He had to give me pain meds and keep me awake for my DNC because I had lost so much blood. I have suffered from anemia ever since. It wasn't until our marriage almost fell apart that I ever confronted this issue and delt with it so I could move on. Our marriage counselor helped me talk it through. I still look back on that time and shudder.
Please get counseling. If not, it will affect other areas of your life. It will never go away, but you can atleast move forward again. Military One source is a great option.
First off, Thank you for your response. I know for now my husband and I have been getting along well and have not had any fights or any major marital issues. I think my fear is exactly what your saying, "how will this affect us later?" Also because I've never used Military One Source before, I wasnt sure I could go to them about this. THANK YOU for sharing your story with me.
Kalani
Kalani,
It was never about fighting with us either. I was just "blue" all the time. I lost excitement about him, about our other kids, about my career. I was very depressed, but wouldn't admit it. It left my husband exposed and when someone else offered him the attention that I had quit giving him…. it lead to an affair. He had mentioned that I should maybe think about talking to our doctor or a counselor, but I didn't need anyone's help… I was tough! That toughness and stuborness almost cost me the love of my life. We started over again in November of 2004. We now have a great marriage. We are stonger because we did it together. We have since had a set of twins and we cherish all 4 of our children and praise God for his blessings daily.
S2, your recovery sounds a lot like mine after our second loss.
For our first loss we were at Great Lakes on shore duty so our only real option was to be together, having to 'deal' with each other. But our second was sea duty and included a deployment a few months later. He had work to get back to, and I thought I was fine. Then deployment. My abruption put me in shock, so there's a lot of things I don't remember or mis-remember that I never realized bothered him so badly, not to mention that it affected *me* and I'm usually the one dragging him alone telling him what to do when there's an urgent or emergent situation.
And Kalani, we really didn't fight either until the very end of the bad period. But he had his own monsters in his head, and I had mine I wasn't recognizing. The gap between us grew until we were just 2 adults living in the same house. He wouldn't talk to me, because I was also affected that time and he didn't want to 'make me think about it', so he talked to someone else.
After a lot of personal work, we're now in a better place than we've ever been, but it took a lot of talking and education/understanding of what exactly happened, for him to feel safe again. But it highlighted *for us* how important it is for each of us to talk to the *other* and not fear we would cause upset. What also helped ME with him was having a trusted male friend talk to him over a few beers. I have all my friends/family, but he's a typical guy that didn't need to talk about it ;-)
A silver lining of learning to cope through such devastation, is that we've learned to cope with everything else easier. By forcing ourselves to turn to each other *first* we've drug each other through a sickening amount of close family members' deaths and other crises. In an odd way, it's also helped me become a better, more useful and more resourceful Ombudsman, and it's helped him become a more responsive and resourceful Chief. Nothing teaches you more about crisis management than living through one and making it through to the other side!
That is VERY inspiring… Although I will probably never meet everyone here that is sharing their stories…I will definitely treasure all the advice and inspirations from everyone's personal journeys
Honestly I believe time is all that helps. I lost twins into my 5th month. It was just like losing someone I knew and loved, even though I never saw or held them, but I had felt them and I was growing daily which was the most exciting thing for us, even after 4 prior pregnancies. I swore never again would we put our family through that kind of pain, after 4 miscarriages through the years we are done, we have been blessed with 3 amazing daughters and a son. Several months later I realized I was late and again had several sticks with a plus sign. Then around the 4th month all my blood work was coming out inconsistent so we were sent to a genealogist as the first thing that my OB thought was something was wrong with the baby. As we watched the high tech sonogram there was my perfect baby boy (he was not shy about it lol) along with another fetus that had not made it past approx13 weeks. Again I felt the same loss as I had before, even though I had seen one perfect baby also.The first 3 miscarriages were early into the pregnancy and for us, dealing with those were not the same as lossing the twins or seeing my lost son with his would be brother, I don't believe it was because they were of any less importance, but because we lost them so early on we were still dealing with new emotions that come with finding out your even pregnant. After those last two miscarriages, I talked about it till I couldn't talk about it anymore, I leaned on the people that had always been my support system, I read articles and stories, miscarriage research. I even joined an online support group after losing my twins, but nothing helped except time. I think for every parent there are different things that may help deal with the loss, but grief isn't a designed plan and I don't think any one thing will ever make that feeling of loss go away or easier except what's best for you as a person and the big one… time.
I really admire your courage to share your story as well as all that you've fought through during and after your miscarriages. it's hard for me to look forward to "the next time" or to the hope of "trying agin". This baby was our first, and we were at 18 weeks. I think you're definitely right about time. Time is what we need to heal. Going through a very recent PCS, my closest friends and family are not around,which adds on to the difficulty of an already hard situation. So I'm trying to build a new support system for myself and deal with this all at once. I really appreciate you sharing your story…THANK YOU!
I have to say the same back to you. Putting your story out for anyone and everyone to read is a very courageous act. I am deeply sorry for your loss and what you are going through. You will never forget and may even find yourself thinking every year 4 months (just guessing here)from now of the baby you lost. I know we do every October of the twins and on my sons birthday (he just turned 5) how there should be another little boy blowing candles out with him. But when you do, and you will get through and find yourself with another positive stick and holding a baby in your arms, you will know it was worth the journey, never forgotten as these are our battle scars, but none the less worth it. Good luck to you both and you two will get through this together. I'll keep you in my prayers. P.S. I know exactly what mean by the Drs though, but that is a whole other story.
Unfortunately I'm still watching to find any pregnancy loss support in the military support networks.
We had a stillbirth at 37wks in IL and had to talk to over 8 people at various locations to basically get to the end that "we don't know what to do".
Shortly after PCSing back to VA and attaching to a new ship we had another term loss by placental abruption, & again, no real resources here for *support*.
We would have had major problems had our Commands not been supportive of us, as their support and willingness to assist us played a huge part in our getting through it.
I ended up having to see a psychologist for PTSD after our second loss. Unfortunately my husband had to deal with it alone as they deployed shortly after.
For general support, most hospitals have a pregnancy loss support group that can really help some people (you can attend even if all your care was from elsewhere). I'm an online person so my support group was online, there's tons of them and the atmospheres are all individual.
After going through these 2 losses, I can only encourage you to seek help if things start becoming too much. I sought help after our first, but felt I was better prepared after our second, turns out it was MUCH worse and it went unrecognized until our marriage almost crumbled at our feet. Both of you may need help, the Chaplains or a counselor (Family therapists seem to have a good grasp on pregnancy loss in my experience). Most losses end up with focus on the mother, but in many cases, the fathers were quite affected and just move on on their own because they're "men". Unfortunately guys don't usually have a good grasp on pregnancy loss and will assume, even fleetingly, they may lose their spouse TOO. So it's very important that the dads are supported also.
But in the end, communication between partners, seeking help if needed, and LOTS of time and personal forgiveness seem to be the biggest healers.
Just remember, this loss is yours, you don't need permission to think of it or honor it forever, or never, or in any way you wish. No one has the right to tell you to "get over it" or "move on". You don't need permission to talk about your baby, or not. Our babies are talked about quite often and they're remembered more often and it's been 4 and 6yrs. The most helpful outreach to us after our first loss was a friend's very old grandmother telling us that she still grieves the loss of her baby 55yrs prior.
I'm sorry you had to experience this. Much gentle love to you and your husband.
Yes, I think a big concern of mine is making sure that not only am I getting support, but my husband as well. It's hard at times to tell when men could be struggling with emotions and feelings.
I actually found what seemed to be a good online support community but I quickly left the website when I realized that the support came at a price that required me to enter my credit card ;o( Maybe it's legit, but I'm not gonna stick around to find out.
Thank you for your response and kind words. I take much comfort in knowing I'm not in this battle of emotions alone.
The loss of a loved one can never be replaced.
That being said, the simple answer of giving you a point of contact name and phone number to call as a health care provider and a quick pat on the back designed to usher you out of the treatment room is the real shame. The grief and loss is inconsolable. As stated mostly it is time and a GREAT support network of your fellow compatriots that give you the solace and will to move on in life, assuring that you are not alone nor are you responsible or wrong is the answer. I have spent many times trying to express this to my fellow patient care providers and yet it is an ongoing dilemma that our military health care system has yet to rectify. Please know that you are not alone nor is your plight, my most sincere condolences and best wishes for what the future will bring for you and your family.
The fact that you are a health care provider and you also recognize the need for help is a relief to me. As I am going through this and realizing how hard it has been to find help,has just blown my mind. It causes me to wonder, just how many other women are sitting at a computer searching through websites fighting the pop-up "babies-R-us" ads, and becoming more discouraged. It just shouldn't be so hard to find help to an issue that thousands face daily……
Thank you for your encouraging words, I sincerely appreciate it.