YDU: Where To Find Help After Miscarriage


Miscarriage is not unusual among military spouses. According to the the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, up to 25% of clinically recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage.

That doesn’t make it easy.  When you combine a miscarriage with a PCS or a deployment, that makes the experience that much harder.  Kalani, a young Navy spouse, wrote in to ask our SpouseBuzz readers for a little advice:

When my husband and I found out we were having a baby, we were more than happy and very excited about our soon-to-be new addition. The military hospital we were receiving care from gave us options of many different classes we could take on becoming new parents.  They recommended books and pamphlets to read.

Four months into the pregnancy we suffered a miscarriage. Now I’m left searching for help and grief counseling. I haven’t been able to locate or find support groups in my area. Is there any military based counseling or support groups for things such as this? Online or on bases?

It’s really frustrating to feel like doctors are silently telling you to “move on,” saying that this something they commonly see. We just went through a deployment and a PCS and now the loss of our baby. Help is greatly needed!

My first instinct is to recommend that Kalani call Military OneSource  1.800.342.9647 to get a little counseling. This is exactly the kind of situation Military OneSource was designed to help.  They offer face-to-face counseling in your local area, counseling by phone, online counseling and even health and wellness counseling.  Having the ear of someone who is one your side that you don’t have to impress can be really helpful after a move.

If you have experience a miscarriage, what would you advise this young couple?  Is there a program or book that worked for you?  Are there right words or right things that this couple could say and do for each other?

About the Author

Jacey Eckhart
Jacey Eckhart is the former Director of Spouse and Family Programs for Military.com. Since 1996, Eckhart’s take on military families has been featured in her syndicated column, her book The Homefront Club, and her award winning CDs These Boots and I Married a Spartan?? Most recently she has been featured as a military family subject matter expert on NBC Dateline, CBS morning news, CNN, NPR and the New York Times. Eckhart is an Air Force brat, a Navy wife and an Army mom. Find her at JaceyEckhart.net.

8 Comments on "YDU: Where To Find Help After Miscarriage"

  1. I have had 5 miscarriages and I agree that there isnt much support from the military. That being said, I did see a wonderful counselor through fleet and family and she suggested I join a miscarriage/baby loss group through our local hospital. I wish the military hospital offered something like this though. Honestly, the best support I have received has been through facebook support groups. There are many out there for people who have suffered a miscarriage. Good luck!

    • I dont know what prompted me to check Facebook, but I did find some support groups on there and like you said, they have been comforting. I haven't been a military spouse for too long, but I think I'm shocked that there is a lack of support in this area. Thank you for bringing up "fleet and family support". I didnt even think of that, because my husband and I are not attached to a base (sort of but not really…long story there). If there is a fleet and family center its probably about an hour away from us or more…I'll definitely check into that tomorrow and make some calls. THANK YOU!!!

  2. It took time. My husband went to BCT right after I miscarried. It was very difficult and I didn't always handle it well.
    Just know that it wasn't your fault, and it will be better next time around.

    • think the common denominator that I'm getting from everyone is….time. I'm really hoping for next time around to be better than the first. But honestly, thinking of next time is exciting and scary all at the same time since this was our first. It's all still new and recent for us. So I know it will be some time before we try again. THANK YOU, I appreciate your response!


  3. The darkest days of my life were post miscarriage. I blamed myself for a really long time. We already had 2 kids and the youngest was only 9 months and had 2 ICU stays and major surgery. I was shocked to be pregnant again with an IUD in place! I questioned God on why he ordained this…. I just didn't know if I could handle a 3rd child so soon. Then I miscarried a month after learning. I was 12 – 13 weeks. This coupled with incompetent care in the ER …. My husband finally convinced them to call my OB/GYN. He had to give me pain meds and keep me awake for my DNC because I had lost so much blood. I have suffered from anemia ever since. It wasn't until our marriage almost fell apart that I ever confronted this issue and delt with it so I could move on. Our marriage counselor helped me talk it through. I still look back on that time and shudder.
    Please get counseling. If not, it will affect other areas of your life. It will never go away, but you can atleast move forward again. Military One source is a great option.

  4. Kalani,

    It was never about fighting with us either. I was just "blue" all the time. I lost excitement about him, about our other kids, about my career. I was very depressed, but wouldn't admit it. It left my husband exposed and when someone else offered him the attention that I had quit giving him…. it lead to an affair. He had mentioned that I should maybe think about talking to our doctor or a counselor, but I didn't need anyone's help… I was tough! That toughness and stuborness almost cost me the love of my life. We started over again in November of 2004. We now have a great marriage. We are stonger because we did it together. We have since had a set of twins and we cherish all 4 of our children and praise God for his blessings daily.

  5. That is VERY inspiring… Although I will probably never meet everyone here that is sharing their stories…I will definitely treasure all the advice and inspirations from everyone's personal journeys

  6. Yes, I think a big concern of mine is making sure that not only am I getting support, but my husband as well. It's hard at times to tell when men could be struggling with emotions and feelings.
    I actually found what seemed to be a good online support community but I quickly left the website when I realized that the support came at a price that required me to enter my credit card ;o( Maybe it's legit, but I'm not gonna stick around to find out.

    Thank you for your response and kind words. I take much comfort in knowing I'm not in this battle of emotions alone.

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