Picture it: Homecoming is tomorrow. You bought the perfect dress. You hired a photographer. Your house is spotless. The “Welcome Home” banner is positioned. You have a few saucy items from Victoria’s Secret tucked away. After missing your husband for the past however many months, you’re bursting at the seams to run into his arms and kiss him until you can’t see straight. This joyful phase of reuniting belongs to you and your man.
Or does it?
What happens if your in-laws want to be there to welcome their favorite servicemember home? Shouldn’t you include them in the homecoming festivities?
On one hand, you are the spouse. You are the one whose life was turned upside down by the deployment. You had to become a single parent. You had to do all the yard work. You had to sleep alone. You had to worry about whether or not the most important person in your life was coming home. Your title as spouse, your job on the homefront, your many sacrifices all earned you the right to keep this special time to yourself. In cases like this, it’s perfectly acceptable to be selfish.
You and your husband need time alone to get to know each other, to become a family again without the added stress of having to host other people. Reintegration is filled with overwhelming changes for everyone. Having extended family around would do nothing but add to the list of overwhelming adjustments.
And do I even need to mention that you probably want some privacy to get your money’s worth out those Victoria’s Secret goodies?
However, on the flip side, your in-laws love your husband too. Although they didn’t make as many sacrifices on a daily basis as you did during the deployment, they still lost sleep worrying. They’ve also missed him for however many months. They made the time and effort to send letters and care packages. They felt stressed and helpless. Don’t they deserve to be present at homecoming and share the days that follow too? What’s the big deal sharing a few days with his parents when you get him all to yourself once they leave?
We recently asked this very question about in-laws at homecomings on our Facebook page, and we got lots of mixed answers. While most of our readers seem to favor the “just us” homecoming approach, many readers prefer the inclusion of the whole clan of loved ones. Others advise asking the servicemember what he prefers, but still others warn that asking him to choose between you and his mother is too much pressure the poor guy just doesn’t need.
So what do you think? Should in-laws be a part of homecoming? Would you want your in-laws at homecoming?
About Heather Sweeney
Comments
Absolutely NOT!
I'd never be that selfish. S/he is their soldier too…. Geez, you have waited a long year, you can wait a few more hours to be alone with your soldier. Your in-laws have had a difficult year too. It is a magical, memorable moment to see your soldier walk through those "homecoming" gates, his/her parent's deserve to see it too. I do recommend that they do not stay in your home but at a hotel and only stay for a day after the homecoming. I have ALWAYS extended the invite to my in-laws when their only son returned. Out of the 5 or 6 deployments (i forget how many) they came to only one. We were all there to greet "OUR" soldier, then to the house for a "beer of cheer" and then they went to their hotel.. The next morning they came over for coffee and went on their way…. i do think most will base their decision on how they feel about their in-laws.. mine happen to be great, so i have NO problem with… I feel the Homecoming was not just about ME, but the entire family….
The parents should absolutely be there! Just because he is married doesn't mean that they don't want to see him. The wife should put herself in their shoes and think how she would feel when her son becomes the soldier and her daughter-in-law doesn't want her to share her son's homecoming. It really makes you see things in a different light!!!
For our first deployment together I surprised my husband at BWI with his family. We live west coast and his family lives two hours away from BWI. It was nice to be able to surprise him with everyone, including myself, but it was even nicer that we spent the night there and his family went home. The past two times, its just been our daughter and I at the gate. I love my in-laws, but homecomings are best when its just us. Especially with kids, homecoming should be about them reuniting, not having to share him with the world, again.
I agree to the extent that this is what the "COUPLE" wants-really, that works for my family because BOTH my hubby and I agree on it-but for other mil couples, they need to come to their conclusions together.
Homecoming is about the soldier. When it comes to departures and arrivals, our soldier makes the decision.
agreed to an extent Sam, though the homecoming isn't just about the soldier. I have run this household and dealt with everything for 5 deployments and his year in Korea without so much as a phone call from the inlaws. I think it all boils down to the relationship everyone has with the in-laws. In my household, we're quite content, both of us, to not be hosting anyone when he first comes home. After 5 deployments, and the year in Korea, we're happy to have our family time and make future arrangements with extended family and friends. This works for both of us-we both agree on this.
I don't think there's a cut and dry rule or etiquette on this-every family is different and every family and every service member has different needs during the homecoming and reintegration. And since the relationships between the SMs and extended family members differ-what's ok for one soldier is a hardship for another soldier, and vice versa. My hubby comes in and he wants to relax, absorb the household, focus on the dog, hang out with our boys, and make FUTURE plans for extended family, including inlaws.
Wow this hard for me. My husband deployed twice and it was only me and the kids. My son just enlisted into the Marine Corp and I was at his graduation and brought his girlfriend who is now his fiance. He is now in MOS school but he will marry someday and deploy. I would not want to interfere with him and his future wife's plan but I would like to be there to welcome him. I will, however, not overstay my welcome.
are you kidding? is this really an issue? are these spouses so alone in the deployment that they don't realize the parents and others want to share in the homecoming? when i got home my wife wanted everyone there… i'm talking cousins and nieces and nephews and… well everyone. and not just the first time but the second too. there is plenty of time to get to know each other again… and unless she's wearing the VS items they won't come into play at the airport anyhow… this is amazingly silly to discuss at all
As the returning Soldier, parents have a place at homecoming. All the public events need to include the family unit, all of it, in my opinion. The seductive things are for private time and integration is better as a gentle process. Soldiers need to unwind and that does not happen right away. It takes time to turn off situational awareness, paranoia and all the other things. I spent moments wondering where my weapon was. I walked to the bathroom and counted the steps, with relish because it was close, at all hours because my body clock was half a world away. And I was freezing because the house was cold to my desert acclimatization.
There is time to readjust to the home life again and trying too much, too fast, leads to disappointment and possibly hurt feelings. My spouse likes to know she is appreciated. Private time is a planned spontaneous event if I may link those words. Sometimes it is necessary to court again because lovers have become year long strangers and it is better to explore with fondness then push and seem to take for granted.
To each their own but that is what I think.
As hal of an active duty- to- active duty marriage, I like the parents/inlaws being there. They just have a room at a hotel. They understand, we need couple time. It also gives us some help with the kids. Seriously, quiet time with two kids running around? Nope, go spend the night with your grandparents at the Best Western. They get to swim in the pool, go out for breakfast, and generally get spoiled by everyone. The parents/inlaws get to be there, be with the family for a few days, and we get some much needed us time. Win-win-win.
I asked my MIL to come from NY to Fort Campbell for dh's first homecoming. She said yes, then said no. I was pretty furious actually. I suppose there's more to it, she has a very difficult time leaving her home as it is. So, dh, while still deployed called her and pretty much told her she needed to be there or contact would be cut off all together (she'd done similar things like that in the past). So, her and my SIL came. It worked out well, we had no problems with the alone time thing, we had plenty of time for that considering he went on 30 days leave shortly after. Besides, he flew in at 2am. With this said, after that one he and I decided we didn't want any other extended family there for following homecomings. We felt it was more appropriate for just me and the kids. And like I said considering his mom has problems leaving her house it didn't bother her at all. I suppose if they were to have asked we would not say no, but they wouldn't do that. Heck, when dh was flown back to Fort Sam with a heart ailment in the middle of his last deployment his mom didn't even ask if she should come. My dad is the one who was on a plane to Fairbanks, AK (to watch the kids) from Ohio within 12 hours and me on a Mac flight to Kelly Air Force base. He watched the kids without question for a month. Anyway, got off topic. I think it is something each family needs to decide for themselves.
For homecoming my mil and sil came and it worked out well. They came to the hanger then took my daughter and I went back to get my husband and we had time alone and saw them the next day. Then his dad and brother came about a week later. I think if done right and the in,was can respect your time that's great. My issue is when they actually deploy. There's way too much emotion and pain, the spouse shouldn't be responsible for making it ok for everyone else at that point.
When I came home from deployments I wanted to see my family. Some here seem to forget that the "in-laws" are part of that. They are our mothers and fathers. I would have been extremely annoyed if my wife had been thoughtless enough to not include them. I had some friends that didn't really want to see anyone. They wanted to decompress after months of humping mountains, jumping waddis, dealing with IEDS and getting shot at. Everyone that has deployed has their own things going on and if the spouse (wife or husband) is really concerned about them they will take those wishes into account instead of only looking at it from their point of view. Yes, they do have to take up a lot of the slack, but it's not like they didn't know that coming into it and it's not like I didn't know that and have to deal with it when my wife would be gone; dual military. That's not exactly easy when you're a grunt. If you want strife in a relationship go ahead and forget that you as a couple are a part of a much larger family on both sides. For my wife and I it wasn't us versus the world.
I think it all boils down to the relationship everyone has with the in-laws. In my household, we're quite content, both of us, to not be hosting anyone when he first comes home. After 5 deployments, not including a year in Korea, we're happy to have our family time and make future arrangements with extended family and friends. The one time many years ago that I surprised my hubby by flying his dad and step-mom in a few weeks after his return my hubby still appreciated the gesture and the visit, but he really wanted time to just be home and focus on becoming part of the family again. We all know reintegration takes effort and is always a work in progress. I don't think there's a cut and dry rule or etiquette on this-every family is different and every family and every service member has different needs during the homecoming and reintegration.
Your mil&fil are his parents. He is their baby. It would be very selfish to keep them away. You will change your tune when you are the mil.
HELL NO… Depending on the length and the intensity of the deployment I might just go get him myself. He might need a few days before overwhelming him with everyone and everything. But if he invited his parents then I will adjust.
I would have been most happy to have had her or my parents at return from many deployments! Never happened, they never lived close by. Don't be selfish, the next deployment might be the one you need HELP! Love every one!
An old commander with 31 yrs Navy
Having lived through the deployment that was supposed to be 6 months, became 18 months with the Iraq invasion while he was in Japan and I kept the household running like a well oiled machine while pregnant and proceeded to be the deployment single mom for the first year of our sons life (these are the facts, not sniveling). My In-Laws never once called, wrote or anything to me or their newborn grandson then entire deployment until the week before my husband was due home, and that call was to tell me I had to get the guest room ready for their arrival.
I slammed my foot down and said not a chance, because I am sorry but you were not there for us at all and now you demand I play merry hostess to you (at least I said this to myself)??? Not a chance, sorry but the husband I had been having problems prior to the deployment and while we were trying our best to patch things up…the In-Laws for 2 weeks was not going to be helpful. Well I called the husband and talked to him and he said he saw no problems with his parents being there, so I sucked it all up and played Hostess.
To say things went poorly with the husband, the baby and the in-laws is a understatement….War of the Roses would be far more accurate a description. We divorced shortly after the In-Laws packed up and left. By no means am I saying this is how every In-Laws visit for homecoming would end, this was solely our situation, which would have still had the same end result had they not come out, it just would have been prolonged a while longer.
My new husband and I both talked about these types of situations and other potential pitfalls BEFORE we ever even married, and honestly the open communication between us for the deployments has helped immensely. But for my spouse and I we have found for us, homecoming is just The kids, the pets and us, his family will come into town about a month afterwards…and this way everyone is happy, especially my husband and the kids because everyone gets time to adjust and get re-acquainted to life with Dad in the house and he gets used to being in a bed with me and not an M-4 :)
Every family has to have this conversation and all parties need to be heard out on their point of view and decide what is the best for them and their situation. My neighbors for instance are lucky to have their family local to them and they are very close and so the In-Laws (both his and hers) are there for everything. And good on them for being such a tight knit family, but we all have to remember all of our family situations are unique and not to judge.
I know what it's like to be the daughter, then the wife of a returning military man. Now I am the mother. I wouldn't think of being there when my son sees his family for the 1st time in 9 months or more. There will be time for us to see each other. Of course I have missed him & worried about him. I also know how desperately his children & wife have missed him & need some 'alone time' with him before sharing him with the world again. Just knowing that he's home safe & sound means the world to me.
Love this reply, NavyBlueMom. I am brand new to the military and the mom of AF and Navy sons. Their dad and I are their sole cheerleaders, now, but the likelihood that we will move into the in-law role during their careers looms large. Knowing and accepting how to take that role in advance seems the best defense against hurt feelings.
I was pretty furious. My inlaws invited themselves a week before said they're coming without even asking me or the husband. Then expected me to cook and entertain them. I got into a big argument with my husband a few days afterwards.
They came for a few days before his arrival and stayed over a week. I think that is too long. And I found out I was one of two wives out of his coworkers to put up with it. I wanted to blow up at my inlaws because they thought it was their right to invite themselves , have me play cooking slave for them and they very much overstayed their welcome staying in my house for almost 2 weeks.
Also inviting themselves for block leave ahead of time. I understand he needs to see them but their inviting themselves for both homecoming and just inserting themselves into every vacation he has makes me furious. And I feel like their slave they expect me to cook and clean for them all. I'm sick to death of seeing them. We argued for days after they left that this is not what the other wives put up with and he finally gets it.
I think that spouses need tonot be so selfish. You weren't the one worried about being blown up, you slept on a bed, had three meals a day, and lived your life. I dont buy the whole, "I sacrificed too, I was a single parent" yadayada no, you're NOT a single parent, your s/o is just overseas serving and it's an insult to insinuate that you were in in "alone." His biological family is just as much family as you are. It's not about you, if your s/o wanted their parents there, it is not your place to tell them "no." I can't stand my in-laws, but I would never deny my husband the right to see his parents, even if I had to grin and bear it. I'm mature about the situations and understand that it's not about ME, it's about HIM.
I agree with your sentiment here. It is about HIM, and in our case…not onyl has he never wanted his in laws, siblings et all present…he hasn't wanted even our own kids present. All 5 times he has deployed and Korea, and every mid tour, he wants about 72 hours alone, with just me and then he is good to go with the plethora of family.
I think in reading these responses this morning, some of that reasoning has been lost. I shutter to think peopel are looking at me stnading there alone, thinking I am too selfish to bring his family. Its important we all remember that every soldier is an individual. They all react differently to deployment, to homecomings, to departures, and allowing them to dictate how it all plays out is probaby the smartest decision.
I am an in-law to a recent soldier returning from 9months of deployment. I live 15 miles from our soldier and his wife. When he came home in Dec, he was LUCKY that in-laws were at his homecoming. The reason? His wife was too drunk and high on Rx pills to get him from the airport! Had we NOT been there, he would have had to get a rental car to drive home but wait, it gets better…..she had cleaned out their checking acct, savings and all credit cards were declined. The thanks for the in-laws? We have seen him for a total of 1.5 hrs on Christmas and NOT SINCE. You may dislike in-laws being there to celebrate a loved one but think of where many fellow soldiers would be without them.