It was a phrase I found myself saying on repeat over the months I was our unit’s Family Readiness Group Leader. “This – THIS – is why people hate the FRG.”
The power plays. The spotlight grabs. The desperate attempts to be the sole provider of information. The attitude that you are somehow better, more worthy, more intelligent, more seasoned, more deserving or more, well, anything than another spouse. The idea that somehow a group of spouses supporting each other and their servicemembers isn’t worth any of your time.
It’s almost as if you got a big group of very different women together, tossed them in a room, closed the door and told them to get along.
Oh, wait.
When I reluctantly took my FRG leader spot mid last year it was with eyes wide open. I’ve been around the spouse support world long enough to have heard the horror stories, long enough to know that not everyone I encountered would be a friend. Yet in the end I loved the job for the chance it gave me to make a different, however small, in the lives of some very young spouses.
But during that time I learned one very important thing: the things people – you, reader — hate most about the FRG are actually the keys to FRG success.
How? By naming what you hate you can figure out how to avoid it or, at least, how to change your attitude about it.
Here are four examples.
I hate the power plays. I hear this one over and over again – that those in charge of the FRG are only there because it makes them feel powerful. They don’t actually do anything. They don’t actually help anyone. They just make themselves look good. And that creates a toxic environment. But the people who act like this are doing so to fill a void in their lives. It isn’t about you or anyone else. So pity them, and step in anyway. You’ll always have to keep in mind that these people will believe that they have to be in control. But it doesn’t mean you can’t assist them, too. Offer to help. Offer to take over whatever thing they seem to hate the most. And see if you can’t make it the thing that is the most loved.
The FRG is a waste of time. Without a doubt that can be true. And if there is one thing in the world that bothers me more than anything else it is people wasting my time. Who wants to spend an hour watching someone click through a PowerPoint only to have no idea in the end what was said? No one. I figure the FRG has one – one! – opportunity with each family and spouse to show that their time is valued. That means meetings are only held if absolutely necessary, and that they start and end exactly when you said they would. That means the information given is worth showing-up for. Everything else can be communicated by email or a phone call. You can make the FRG something people value by making sure it is NOT a waste of time.
One word: drama. People come with drama – it’s part of the great human condition. Some people have more drama than other people. And in my experience those are the people who need the most help or have the biggest problems. They are the people who need those of us who are level headed helper folks to stand there, nodding, smiling and saying “it’s going to be OK.” Have you ever noticed how often our girl Ms. Vicki refers the drama to Military OneSource for help? (Hint: all the time!). Try doing the same and maybe you can get them some help or some counseling in the process.
Volunteering with the FRG is a thankless job. You’re right. Your hard work will probably go largely unnoticed. A measly volunteer recognition certificate isn’t going to do a lot for you in the end. And you start looking at the whole thing as a chore. But what if you went in to the gig with the decision that you aren’t there for the recognition? What if you went in for one purpose and one purpose along: to serve. Saying “I’m just here to serve” means you don’t care if anyone notices you. It means your reward is in the knowledge that, without your help, that spouse would not have been connected to that Tricare information. It’s knowing that your calm assurance may just be what is getting the spouse on your call sheet through her day. Saying “I’m just here to serve” means you don’t care you runs your ego over, because there isn’t much around to smoosh.
Edit: Adding one — after reading some comments on our Facebook page I can’t believe I failed to put this example in here.
No one ever contacted me, so why should I be involved? The FRG leader and the POCs who help her are in a tight spot. She is supposed to reach out to, or at least add to her email list, every new spouse in the unit. But with its constantly moving parts (people leaving the unit, new servicemembers joining the unit and current unit members getting married) it’s nearly impossible to keep up with all the changes. And what’s worse? That person is 100 percent reliant on the commander giving her updated, correct information as well as the Soldiers giving the correct contact information for their wives. That no one has ever contacted you is not personal. It’s not because they hate you. It’s because someone – likely not the FRG leader — dropped the ball along the way. And bless their hearts, our spouses are not always good at giving our correct information out either. Why my husband decided to give them my junk email address that I rarely check, I’ll never know. So what’s the solution? Don’t wait to be contacted. You contact them. Find out who your FRG leader is and send her a friendly email. “Hi, I’m fairly new to the unit. Here is all my information. Let me know what else you need. Please add me to your information distribution list.” See how easy that was?
What things do you hate most about the FRG – and what can you do to turn them into an action plan?
About Amy Bushatz
Comments
For me it is the waste of time aspect that is so frustrating. I think FRGs can be great and do a lot of good but I get disappointed really quickly.
I am a pretty new Army spouse (we have been married less than a year). I have yet to be involved in the FRG. Not necessarily because I don't want to be, but because I have never been contacted. That might be my biggest complaint about what I have seen so far. I agree with juliedanielle that the FRG can be a great thing. Especially when it comes to deployments and general support for other spouses. This is a very different life from what others lead. It's important to have a strong support system that understands what you are going through. Thanks for the post!
That's hard. It's a sticky beast, the FRG — behind the "never been contacted" complaint likely sits a spouse trying to figure out who is in the unit, who isn't in the unit, who just joined, and why the crap the commander hasn't updated her about any of this stuff in 2 months. Every time I would learn that someone hadnt been contacted it would crush a part of me. I wanted SO much for everyone to be included, but it is literally impossible to keep up with every change in the company. And, bless their hearts, sometimes husbands don't do a great job of sharing their wives information. Why my husband decided to give them the email address I use for junk mail (and never or rarely check!) I'll never know.
My advice? Don't wait to be contacted. Ask your husband to find out who the FRG leader is, and hit her up. You aren't going to step on any toes by politely checking in and asking to be on the list for emails and other info. :-)
The worst part about the FRG groups I've been in is how incredibly judgmental and rude they can be! I was literally treated very rudely by 3 different women when I was asked what I did and I responded with "I'm a stay at home mom and I do a lot of carpentry work mainly with furniture. Fixing, building, reupholstering" and I was *snuffed* at! Then one had the nerve to say "We'll you should think about getting a real job". Seriously? I responded with "we'll being a full time mom is hard work and I really enjoy carpentry". Followed by a,"Yeah but you need a real job not a hobby". And THAT was by one of the FRG leaders while surrounded by a couple of her followers. It was like a scene from a high school film about cliques. Ridiculous! It was like these women never got over that high school mentality of cliques and putting others down. After that day I never went to another meeting. The ones that were mandatory my husband, being the amazing man he is, went without me cause he was within earshot of all of this and knew I couldn't stand those people. Now that we have PCSed I am hoping it will be tons better but I'm not going to hold my breath.
Had the same experience. The only difference is I told them I was working on my PhD. I was told I needed to stay home and have kids. At the time, I was in no shape to be a good mom. I wish people would learn to support one another and realize we all have different talents, skills and desires and we should all be welcomed regardless of what we do.
Personally, I think carpentry is one hell of a skill, as is being a good mom. You should pat yourself on the back. :D
We're all stronger together than we are separate. It's sad some people don't realize this.
I was sorry to hear about your experience. That is truly a shame and I hope you will give the FRG at your new command a chance. Unfortunately, there will always be folks out there that don't have the best intentions when they become involved in FRGs. But like the author of the article suggested, it's your intentions that matter – maybe you can be a positive example for others. Never let others affect your decision to get involved…having said that, I respect yours and anyone else's decision not to get involved too. Free country and all that. I wish you the best of luck. Oh, I'm a stay-at-home mother too and while I've worked as a professional prior to becoming a mom – being home is WAY more stressful (and rewarding :) that any job I can think of!
AMEN SISTER. As an FRG leader I can't tell you how many times I have an email bounce back to me or a phone number not in service because the Soldier didn't write it down properly. What the heck am I supposed to do then? Our solution – the commander brings each Soldier in the office whose wife's info is wrong and has them call or email from there so they can figure out what is off about it. Does it take some time? Yes. But is it worth it? YES. Don't wait until the FRG calls you – call them. Chances are they just haven't gotten your info.
Madeline, that is amazing that you have a commander that is so willing to take the time to do that! even when they were stateside we couldn't get that kind of assistance, and the 10-20 emails that bounced back when i was the co-lead was so frustrating bc our soldiers were deployed and we knew info wasn't getting to their wives, but we had no way to mediate the issue!
Honestly, the FRG seems to be the laughing stock of the Army. Soldiers don't take it serious, the COC doesn't take it serious. I don't know what the point of having an FRG is. You either have spouses who complain because no one contacted them, or you have the ones who don't want anything to do with it. I say we disband it completely and force soldiers to relay information to their spouses.
I used to volunteer with the FRG (secretary, treasurer and coordinated fundraising and parties) and honestly, we never had enough participation from spouses, because no one really wants to be part of an organization chock full of immature, self absorbed young spouses whose lives revolve around themselves and no one else.
I agree. I think we should disband it too. I was only contacted maybe once during my husband's last deployment. I got better and more reliable info from my husband.
Hubby's been stationed remotely for the last 19 1/2years. Many times, I am the FRG. I have planning meetings, organize child care, get food, and NO ONE shows up. Then when there is a deployment briefing, everyone is going why wasn't I contacted? You were-you didn't return my calls. Why isn't it done this way? Because I don't have the energy or money to do it all myself. Then I get-oh, you just don't understand what it's like to go through XYZ with spouse gone. NO, I am just an old army wife(30 years of experience) I've never dealt with missing holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, never been scared to death of a knock on the door. Sarcasm rant over.
And I'm the opposite. I LOVE our FRG and HATE our unit. Those in charge do not support families or family functions, but the wonderful FRG volunteers power on in spite of the command team.
My husband has been in the same unit for 5 years, this is our second deployment and I was a POC for our first. I have not been contacted once this entire deployment. I don't hate the FRG, I just don't have time for something that clearly doesn't care about me.
But i would challenge you — have you tried contacting them? Maybe the new leader is overwhelmed or was "voluntold" into the job?
Every FRG needs to be assessed individually. Some are crap, and some are outstanding.
What makes an outstanding FRG is people who care more about people than programs/jobs/reputation/awards. If it doesn't revolve around a truthful assessment of family needs, and then produce programs, projects and events designed to directly address those actual needs – then it's probably an insular institutionalized ball of crap.
If yours is outstanding, enjoy it and take notes.
If yours is crap, what are you doing to make it better? Infiltrate and spread new/better ideas. Use your energy to do what others are not doing.
Well said & summed up.
I think the carpentry "hobby" is cool. My husband and I dabble in it and we were just talking yesterday about how we could start out now with a small online presence to get more practice and experience and once he retires go full scale to sort of speak.
I find it ironic that in that FRG a job was some kind of must. The last one I was in all the working spouses were snubbed. Everything, including monthly meetings were between 9 and 5 , Monday – Friday making it next to impossible for those of us with jobs to attend.
I have found that the FRG like anything else is what you make it to a large degree but it also requires a good FRG leader. She will make or break the FRG. I was in one FRG where I really tried to be involved but we had an FRG leader who couldn't give a poop about doing it. Her husband was the commander and so she just did it (well, minimally so) because he said so. We now have a great FRG leader and it has made all the difference unfortunately as my children are older and I homeschool I don't have the time I used to so I volunteer where I can. I don't go to all the events because they aren't things I'm necessarily interested in but they interest the other spouses. At any rate, my one complaint is that I'd like to see FRG's do more service work. I've been involved in 4 different FRG's and have only done one service activity with the Special Olympics. Amazing opportunity! Ahem, FRG leaders reading these boards :)
I was the FRG leader for our last command for two years, and I can say we stayed relatively drama free, mostly because I made sure our meetings were just that, meetings, not gossip sessions. We came, did our business, ate some food and left. My biggest complaint is the lack of volunteers. It was like pulling teeth to get anyone to help with anything. They were full of ideas, but did not want to execute them, they expected the board to do it all. We had lots of ideas for fun things to do, but in the end, four people can't do it all…
Im actually a soldier and i heard many stories from my wife when i was deployed to Afghanistan (twice). First time the FRG wasnt really there. The second time it was there, there was a leader but all they wanted to do is to fund raisers for our welcome home party. I talked to my soldiers and discovered that none of them really cared about any party. they just wanted to come home to their loved once. But the FRG still wanted to do just that. I think that many of us think that FRG should be more like a support system for spouses left behind with their kids, friendships, emotional support, financial support and things like that. However, the FRG is not like that anymore, i think that we all imagine it as that supporting element and it turns out that it really is not. I believe that it became more as a competition between the wifes and kids, the meetings ussually are cold, silent, no one wants to speak up and it feels akward. I was highly dissapointed to hear that from my wife and at that moment she really needed it.
I want to say thank you for sharing your story. It may not always be easy to hear, but hopefully someone within your FRG listened and learned from your input. If no one speaks up and shares their concerns, then nothing ever changes. That's not to say that all it takes is to say something and then suddenly All Is Perfect…but you have to start somewhere.
The only thing I would ask anyone reading this to keep in mind is: "no one thing will make everyone happy." Some may have really wanted a party, others? not so much….the best thing was probably somewhere in-between.
Don't give up though. Our FRGs are important and can only get better if people like you provide constructive input. Thank you for your service.
I volunteered as the parent of a single soldier as our FRG kept requesting help. Seems that many spouses wanted to volunteer but found the commitment overwhelming as they were trying to keep their households intact, kids on track, etc. totally understandable. Many times I would call to find phones disconnected, voicemail "full cannot accept any msg" etc. and I personally worried about those NOK but could only follow up if the soldier provided updated info, which is difficult at best downrange. So my experience was that I developed some friendships with folks who relied on my monthly calls, had some members who seemed irritated when I called but I think they may have truly been stressed out due to soldier's deployment, etc. Had some folks tell me they counted on me, which made all of the experience worthwhile. I highly recommend anyone interested to volunteer and "try to be part of the solution" treating your call list with the same kindness and caring you would want to receive. It can be a blessing to the volunteer and to the FRG members, just my opinion and experience.
let me just say,when we married 13 years ago,our first station very active,before durning and after deployments,without attitudes,i was what they call (KEY CALLER) and ast to FRG LEADER.,none of the things we did ,did you have to go to a class for ,but this was when the ARMY was ran ,WELL.BY THE ARMY.i miss my 3-7 cav ladies…….our second knox,was well they tried but our coc could not stay out of trouble,i asked about FRG, at a eating meeting.the verynext thing i know his COC is knocking on our door to do house check,with us just being there for 3 weeks and first i was in hospital.well didnt settle well with me,well i voiced my feelings and a FRG formed but didnt last long when some ruined it because of drugs……and then there is here.i have been thru 3 FRG'S in 6 years,i think the main prob is all these classes you have to take,its beyond me why i would have to take a class to make a call.idk……most dont have time for that.and yes in some cases you have the IM BIGGER AND BETTER TYPE.but i learned to sway away from it and do other meetings and have met some AWESOME FRIENDS.so for some it works caue you have a great FRG.then all the stipulations for some its just done amonghts themselves……its sad,but its true.and missed my AWESOME VERY ACTIVE FRG.I HAVE SEEN LEADERS TRY TO BE KNOCKED DOWN BECAUSE OF NO ONE INTERESTED.I FEEL IF IT WENT BACK TO HOW IT WAS DONE WOULD BE BETTER.
Our FRG is the corner stone of Family Readiness program in our unit. As an FRSA, I worked closely with our ACS and FRG Leadership insuring their voice is heard. We have a dynamic team of volunteers and together ensure families get timely accurate information from command. When I first arrive our FRG was at ground zero. Within two months I was able to recruit a viable Team that work as a cohesive front in supporting our Family Readiness Activities.
"Be the change you want to see", isn't that how the quote goes?
I have found most who complain, do nothing to assist. The spouses that need information put out through the FRG, are the ones least likely to attend the meetings. The one's that think the funding should be used on this or that, are actually quite clueless as to how the funding works, and what said funds can and cannot be used for.
If an FRG is run the way it is supposed to be, as an extension of the command for informational purposes, then it can be a great resources. However, your FRG is NOT a babysitter, not a ride home from your drunken escapades, not to help you move heavy furniture – yes, these are all real life situations. I challenge the spouses that have negative FRG experiences to become more involved IN their FRG. Again, I say: be the change you want to see!! :)
I am male spouse. With a Soldier Wife. The FRG leaves me behind. I have found that there are several men in this same situation. no help, and no simpathy.
I'm sorry that this is happening to you! I am my husband's unit FRG leader and one of the best volunteers I have is a male spouse! I always try to convey to the Soldiers that FRG is not just for spouses (male AND female), but is available to anyone the Soldier wants to be updated on the goings-on of the Unit (to include parents, siblings, significant others, etc.). If you don't mind my asking, is there some type of specific support you are wanting that is not being addressed? (I ask due to not having many males in our group and striving to be as inclusive as possible!) Thanks!
Nathan — can I introduce you my buddy Wayne? Check out his site: http://www.facebook.com/MANningtheHomefront
I’ve been an army wife for 2 years now,i pride myself in really understanding the Army and helping out new spouses but all I can say about the FRG is that I avoid it at all costs! My hubby keeps me very informed of everything going on. I believe it all depends on your FRG leader. My husband is an NCO and we don’t have any kids, I really don’t wanna spend my precious time with my husband at an FRG meeting with kids running around screaming or at an event with kids screaming. Suggestions for events for couples without kids falls on deaf ears. I also don’t appreciate the bottom of all event related emails saying “I know these events aren’t mandatory yet,but come support us!” Mandatory YET? i dont think so! Overly organized yet completely chaotic,mandatory “fun”…..yea no thanks. FRG’s are just pointless information and rumors mills parading around with bake sales
Loved reading your post. I can so relate. My husband and I are in our late forties and have only been active duty for four years (he was Army reserve). With our kids grown the FRG is basically useless for me. All their activities revolve around "young" mothers and children. That's great, they should focus on that, but what about those of us with grown or no children. What about those of us that are older and more mature. I have no desire to participate in anything that revolves around small childrens activities. We are in the middle of a suppossed nine month deployment and all the activities i get notices about are all child related. It's tough to be in a new place, husband deploys less than two months after arriving. I feel like I am alone and invisible. I've tried to make friends, but all the wives I meet are young with babies or young children. I am more like "grandma" than just another military spouse missing her husband. I am the odd spouse out.
I always have a strong support system from my church, wherever we go.I like to find out who the FRG leader is and let them know I'm happy to help, but other than making sure they can contact me, I don't use the FRG as a support. Since FRG members are more often women, I wonder how the male spouses feel, if there are any, since I've hardly ever met them. Why go to an FRG meeting when it looks like a girls-only meet? I've seen drama, I've seen an FRG fall apart because of the power-plays. I know it's there, but I still try to be supportive within my parameters
. The FRG can be good, and it can totally suck. Just be there anyway.
I understand the malespouse concern … I honestly dont have experience dealing with that personally since we've always been part of all-male infantry line units. However, there are manspouse groups out .. like this one: http://www.facebook.com/MANningtheHomefront
I don't like the mandatory part- but I will go with my husband when he has to go. The disorganization is difficult. I also don't like feeling bullied into voluteering- I work, so can't I just volunteer when I have the time? It is also weird to have fundraisers but not know where the money goes to- "the FRG" is not enough information.
I’m having a very bad experience with the FRG. Your correct that the wives who has more drama needs help the most. In our FRG, if the ombudsman and the FRG officer felt that in their members, the more they become distant to you. It is a taboo in our FRG to express sadness and difficulties, they only want to hear about hoorah to the FRG and your a failure if your having a difficulty to adjust as Military Spouse. In our FRG, they are only helpful to wives who are active and does effort in the group. But how about to those newly wives, like us, ASIAN WIVES (born raise from a 3rd world country) and just came here to America. I’m just glad I just got my driver’s license recently, but how about the others who are very new, shy, and scared. Our FRG are bunch of bullies, haters, and racist. They see us Asians as un educated whore. I have bachelors from my home country and since it is not credited here in America its basically useless, I’m doing my best to educate myself right now, going back to school so I can obtain a degree under United States legit university, for my own personal goal of course, and to stop these FRG racist for treating us like shit. I mean they wont say it to your face, but, your stupid not to feel it.
Last year I went to my home country for my vacation and for some reason I was having problem to come back in US, through my own personal effort, I was able to fly back. My husband was deployed at that time and the Ombudsman never even informed the boat that I was having problem. Then, just a few weeks ago, my husband almost had health complication because of food poisoning from the boat, when I posted it in my personal facebook, the Ombudsman un friend me from her FB list.
Yes being an FRG is thankless job, but most of them volunteer for power anyway. So my final question is it true that FRG are only accommodating, sympathetic, and helpful to the active FRG members. Aren’t the FRG’s responsibility is to reach out, especially to those who in need, to those who are reluctant to the group. I wish there is a Right’s for the FRG wives, the right to complain and send an ice comment without being banned or take for granted in the group.
No haters, bullies, and racist please. Thank you..