Vicki has probably already read Its Called A Break Up Because It’s Broken. She probably sat through He’s Not That Into You six times. If this were a civilian relationship, she would know whether or not this break up was a permanent thing.
But throw the military into the relationship mix, and it gets confusing. Is this a break up thing or is it a military thing?
Hard to tell. Vicki says that she and her boyfriend have been together for five years — since they were both sixteen. Her boyfriend recently enlisted into the Navy. Right before he left for boot-camp he broke up with her. He said he didn’t want to worry about her. He said he only wants to focus on himself right now.
Vicki understands that part — but she doesn’t know why they had to break up over it. After all, they are still in love and when her boyfriend was home he was acting like they were a couple. Vicki writes:
“Its been hurting so bad I can’t eat, sleep, or nothing. I told him I was going to support him no matter what. Will he come back to me? He gives me hope that he wants to fix things, but he has been saying we just need to be friends for now and that who knows maybe we can work things out. I’m just so confused.”
So, Readers, you decide. Is this a break up and Vicki should move along? Or is this a typical behavior from a guy heading for boot-camp. What is Vicki’s next best step?
About Jacey Eckhart
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I’ve been there. My boyfriend is a Marine, and broke up with me before deployment, so I wouldn’t be upset about him leaving?? He thought that I could instantly “turn off” my feelings. When I continued writing and sending letters and packages, reminding him that I’m here through thick and thin, he was finally able to accept my love. It’s really really hard, hard sometimes… They can be stubborn and don’t realize how dedicated we are. My advice would be to stick it out and just live your life. Be someone worth loving when he gets back from basic. You don’t want to be a loser who can’t eat or sleep. Show him you’re a strong woman who is independent and that you’re not going to fall apart. Just be strong. You can let him know you still love him very much and that you’ll always be there. My Marine and I are still together— and we are just about to reach the 1 year anniversary of his return from Afghanistan. Today he sent me and email for no reason, even though he lives 5 miles away, “I love you baby, thanks for sticking by me on my grumpy days”
So just stay strong, and don’t give up.
"Be someone worth loving." Those are great words to live by while my Marine is away on his first deployment! Thanks for reminding me to stay strong, independent, and to thrive – not only for my sake but for his as well.
Wow that is crazy when people tell you something youre job is to hear them. If my husband would have tried that crap I would have done exactly what he asked. I find it so selfish that these soldiers would do that to their SOs. I don't know if its different if youre not already married when they enlist like me and my husband were but even with just being Bf/Gf i would have been pissed and wished em well and that would have been that. I would have been done.
I would move on and live your life. He's not ready to commit right now and I think it's because everything in front of him is new and uncertain. You never know what will happen after he has finished boot camp and his MOS schools, but don't wait on a possibility of being with him, have fun and meet new people. When he figures out what he wants, he'll come looking for you if what he wants is you.
If he were committed to the relationship, he would have included you in his military career/plans. He used the military career as an excuse to end the relationship and knew it wouldn't be questioned. I am so so sorry it happened to you this way. Take time for yourself to figure out who you are now, as an individual, and then you can begin a new relationship with better desires and outcomes. I wish you the best of luck in discovering a new you and a new relationship.
It's a break up, nothing "military" about it. The young man clearly stated he wants to focus on himself, that is his right. By her trying to find something there that isn't is obviously painful to both of them. Otherwise he wouldn't "give her hope" that things may work out. He is trying to protect her feelings in a wishy washy way. It may hurt for a while, but the young lady needs to move on. If they had been together for 5 years (teenage years at that) and he is not ready to commit for the long haul he is certainly doing the right thing now rather then another 5 years from now when they are married and have a kid or two. I say kudos to him for moving on with his life and for the most part being straight with her. Like I said, she needs to let him go, stop trying to find something there. Let him focus on his life path right now. They are both very young, plenty of time to go out and find "Mr. and Mrs. Right".
RUN girl! If he can't commit and uses the military as a reason to leave, he's not in love. Move on sweetie and find someone better! Good luck to you!!
You deserve someone who is willing to commit to you. I was dating a guy in the Army before he went to Okinawa. We did not have a committed relationship. If he had asked me to be committed, I would have. But he didn't. So I moved on. No regrets. Have some respect for yourself and don't wait for someone that doesn't respect you.
I went through the same ordeal. My then-boyfriend (now husband) broke it off with me before he left for Basic Training. We had been dating about 5 months. He used the same EXACT reasonings: "I don't want to worry about you. I don't want you worrying about me. I don't want to worry about what's happening back home." He even went as far as to say that I wasn't first, second, third, or even fourth on his current list of priorities. There's no words I can use to describe how small I felt in that moment. I fought it, of course, but soon realized there was no changing his mind. I had never cried over a man before, but this tore me apart. So I went on living life, getting over him one day at a time.
A couple weeks later I got a long text from him, apologizing, and saying that he had been doing a lot of soul-searching and realized that he needed someone beside him as he went through these things. He said that he completely understood if I had changed my mind, but he would like to see me at least once more before he left. I was secretly elated (I wanted him to think I was over it), but a little reserved. What if it ended up not working out after all? Would I have to start this ridiculous grieving process ALL over again?? I wasn't sure I could handle that. I agreed to our meeting, and long story short, we got back together that night. A year later we were engaged, and a year after that we got married and I moved to be with him here at Ft. Bragg.
Boys are wishy-washy enough already, and with all the added stress of leaving home and everything he's ever known to start a career in an unknown field… It's a lot to think about for sure. Don't give up just yet. He may come around. Good luck!
Its a break up you cant put your life on hold he is not so why should you. He did not take your feelings into consideration and if you wait around thinking he will come back and put a ring on your finger you will regret it. Sounds like he wants his cake and eat it to and the saying he just wants to be friends for now is just security for him. Good Luck
What you need to do is start your life. You have been with this one guy forever, now he's starting his career and you should do the same. Don't be the that girl that can be used for hometown relationship benefits but he only considers you a friend. That's the oldest trick in the book. He doesn't want you but he doesn't want anyone else to have you. Leading you on(acting like you're a couple at home) while planning to have fun when he's away. He's knows you won't question his actions because you want to be with him. Waiting around for a guy has ruined many girls' self-esteem. You are 21yrs old(been with him for 5yrs, since 16) go to college and enjoy the experience! I know, i wasted 6yrs of my life on this guy from school. He went on with his life and i was a mess! I turned down many good guys and opportunities because i was trying to make myself available for him. wasn't worth it! My husband finished AIT when he was 18, never did he break up with me and we have been married for almost 10yrs!
I don't think it is a civilian versus military thing. This happens all the time when people go to college, move away, etc. Consider it a break up. If it is meant to be, you two will find each other again. It is important to develop as an individual person and that is what he is trying to do. He has a right to do that and so do you. You can be there for him as a friend, but take the time to try to find out what you want in life too. Men are simple creatures. Women try to read into things way too much. If he wants to break up, take it as a break up. Prepare for some self-discovery of your own. Like I said, if it is meant to be, it will be. It is going to hurt, but life is not always supposed to be easy.
Heard it before. The same thing happens when one goes away to college or leaves home for work far, far away. Its a huge, life altering move. Especially at around 20 years old. Many people break up, some get back together, some don't. There is the intense need to focus to not only survive but to thrive. Once they know they can handle it, other things can fall into place. I know new mothers (and fathers) who ditch friends, even family, to focus on that new life and lifestyle. When that person get into a rhythm, people can be factored in again. Is it right and fair? No, but it happens and everyone handles things differently. Perhaps he did not want the pressure of marriage immediately. When I started dating someone in the service, I was shunned because we didn't get married right away. When we did, I was told something was wrong with me because we didn't want to get pregnant immediately. That was intense pressure neither of us were ready for. Turning feelings off, no, its not possible. But she need to understand where he is coming from and why he said and did what he did. If she can't or he can't, she needs to reevaluate herself and her need for this relationship. She must have her own life and be independent in order to be able to support him. Perhaps he is worried she will fall to pieces the next time he has to leave and not really be able to support him and their life together. Who knows. She should take this opportunity for self growth. Moving on doesn't mean kicking it all to the curb. Just put it aside and let other opportunities in if they come around.
As cheesy as some may think it is, I wish all women and girls would take to heart the lyrics of a song I dedicated to my 3 beautiful daughters: "More Beautiful You"
Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn't straight, her body isn't fake
And she's always felt overweight
Well, little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care, your skin, your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are
There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies, disguises and hoops, they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you
Little girl twenty one the things that you've already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you've got a man but He's got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead
Well, little girl twenty one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true
And He'll treat you like the jewel you are
So turn around you're not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It's not too late, you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear, they can all be washed away
By the one who's strong, can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry, all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light, He will show you truth
And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl
That there could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies, disguises and hoops, they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you
There could never be a more beautiful you
From the guy's perspective – sounds like he wants to keep his options open, find out what else is out there, and become his own man. He probably doesn't feel like he's 'lived it up' as much as he could have yet. You'll have to let him do that. Maybe someday he'll come back around, maybe he won't. Whether or not that happens will depend on the people that each of you meet in the coming years while you're apart. You might even go another direction before he does.