Here is the question, Guys: If you only have a four day pass before you deploy downrange, should your wife visit with the baby or without the baby?
Paige wrote this week hoping that our experienced SpouseBuzz readers would give her a little advice:
Should I take our 8-month-old baby across the US or should I just go by myself? Would it be okay if I went by myself? His concern is that other guys wives are bringing their kids and it would look bad if ours was not there.
At one time or another, I think all of us have been right at that decision point. When Brad and I were young parents trying to make this same kind of decision, I could not sleep at night for worrying about getting it wrong.
I went to my dad and ask what he would have liked when he was in the service. My dad took a long time to answer. He said, “Ideally, first I would have your mother by herself first. Then a week later I would have you kids come.”
That made me laugh. I know my dad loves his five children dearly. But his sun rises and sets on my mom. I went to visit Brad alone. Here are the questions Paige and her husband might want to ask themselves:
1. Why are we doing this? When you think about these four days, what is your intention? Is this a time to have a lot of sex and talk and laugh and go out to eat? Is this a time when your servicemember is exhausted and needs to sleep a lot? Or is this a time to be a family together? If you are honest about your intentions, the visit will go better.
2. What is best for our baby? Babies are babies. They are who they are. They do what they do. Most babies are not great cross-country travelers. They often don’t sleep well in a new place. They can make a hard situation harder. Leaving your baby for a few days with a trusted caregiver does NOT make you a bad mommy.
3. Is it easier for the servicemember to come home? Even though you might miss the ceremony, sometimes it is easier to have the servicemember come home if that is allowed. Ask yourselves the 10-10-10 question: Will the ceremony matter in ten days? In ten months? In ten years? See Question #1.
4. How will you handle predeployment moodiness? You might be thinking that this will be a time of beautiful memory making. Instead, most couples report that predeployment is a time of pulling away. Your servicemember is likely to be a little edgy or grumpy. You are likely to be carrying a lot of emotion right there in your chest. It’s part of getting ready to deploy. Will you handle that better with the baby around or not?
5. What’s right for us? Early in your military life you gotta learn that your peer group is a great gauge of what other people are doing. That’s all. Their relationship is not your relationship. Their kids are not your kids. Their needs/wants/joys/values/resources are not yours. Resolve to only do what is best for your little family. Trust your gut.
What else does Paige need to know, Readers? How did you handle this situation? Would you have done anything differently?
About Jacey Eckhart
Comments
I love the questions to ask yourself! The biggest thing I have learned is to talk about expectations and do what is right for your family. When my son was a baby I took him across the country for predeloyment 4 day pass. It was hard and stressful but I have some great family memories from that trip. When my husband came home I left my son with Grandma. That was sad for me but it gave us time to just be a couple. Whatever you choose do what is right for your family and don’t worry about anyone else or second guess yourself!
What good advice not to second guess yourself–I do that all the time!
When my husband got ready to leave for his 3rd deployment our son was almost one. I flew across the country so my hubby could see our son turn 1. Luckily we had friends we could stay with so we still had time for us. A few weeks later my son and I took the 6 hour flight again so that we could see the hubby off. When the hubby came back from deployment our son and I flew 6 hours across the country to see the hubby when he got back into the U.S.. It was hard because we didn't have a lot of alone time since we were in a hotel. It was still important though because our son needed to get daddy time since daddy hadn't really been their for a year. For the fourth deployment my mom was able to fly down so she could help with the kids before the hubby left that way he still had time with the kids, but we also had our time. For the homecoming the hubby wanted his parents their and so they were able to take the kids at night so the hubby and I could have our time. Now we are facing deployment five in the next few months and we haven't discussed yet what we are going to do. It's hard because the hubby and I have been living in different states about 8 1/2 hours apart for the last 4 years. I have a great job and the kids have stability where we are but things could change after the next deployment. The best advice is to not worry about what the others may think or say. You need to do what is right and works best for you and your family.
In the end, it's about you and your husband…so who cares what we think? We're that couple who has never taken kids to any farewells or returns. My husband wants it that way. As he says…long after those kids grow up and are gone, we, the couple will remain.
….its your KID not a dog.
I'm having the opposite problem. I want to bring my baby and everyone (around husband) is surprised we don't just drop him off with grandma for a week. We are a family now, we stay together. My husband WANTS to see his child, and it would be selfish of me to assume it was all about me. That and grandma has a life.
My husband deployed when our daughter was a newborn. He had 3 days of leave right before he left and I flew to see him without the baby which was really hard! However, we REALLY REALLY needed that time to just be a couple and connect before we were separated and it was really good for us. I don't think there's one right answer, but don't feel guilty if you do leave the baby–it just means you're taking the time to be sure your marriage is strong so you can be there for your little one.
How cares what is best for the baby??? Me Me Me
Not only will I not bring the kids, I won't even bring myself!
This time he'll have a long weekend in between training and departure, and we will say our goodbyes before he heads off for training.
I can't speak for others, but when my spouse finds out about a deployment he starts mentally pulling away. As the weeks pass leading up to departure he's mentally further from us as he physically and mentally gears up for what he needs to do during his deployment. Once he's had his final training he is Ready. To . Go. and if there's a length of time in between training and departure (last time was 4 or 5 weeks) it is not fun for any of us. He wants to go and do what he's geared up to do, and I want him gone so the clock can start for his return.
Excellent points, Jacey.
Do whatever works for you and your family, and don't worry about what others think.
Tell you husband to be an adult and get over the moodiness – it is a choice.
The question should be what is best for the kids – they don't have a choice to be a mil kid.