Embarrassing Debt? Not About The Money

I do understand why I need to maintain a budget. I understand I need to limit spending in order to pay down my debt.

I completely get it that more money must be sent to my debt and less money needs to be spent at Target, or taking my kids to the movies, or on traveling-- or I will always have Tracey’s Huge and Embarrassing Debt.

I get it and I understand that part.

Now I just need to face that this is not about the money--do you have the same problem with your debt?

Money seems to just be a symptom of this bigger issue.

This is about lending my parents money…a lot of it.

This is about supporting my mom and inviting her to live with me because she can’t afford to live alone.

This is about trying to change my future and not repeat the past.

I always tell myself that I need to be the one to change the cycle. I need to change the cycle of poverty I was brought up in. I’m the only one who can change this cycle.

I have been trying my entire life to change my circumstances. My awesome team at SpouseBuzz and USAA are trying to help me succeed at getting rid of my Huge and Embarrassing Debt and I can honestly say I have a fantastic team…but the work is on me and sometimes I just don’t want to do the work.

My military husband likes to say, “ You lack discipline.” He says that is what keeps me from succeeding.

Yes I will agree. But it seems so much more than that. I’ve been running from my childhood, my parents and siblings my whole life.

I wanted to be better. I was the only high school graduate in my family. I am the only college graduate. Heck, I’m the only one who has had dental work.

So wouldn’t you think I am smart and disciplined to accomplish to get rid of this debt? Well, when it comes to money, all things smart and disciplined go right out the door.

I do what feels goods or sounds good at the time.I want to provide a lifestyle for my family that I think they deserve so they will not know what it’s like to be the poor kid on the street, or the girl with dirty hair on picture day, or the kid who knows my parents will always have money for cigarettes but will never buy shoes from any other store than Kmart.

I never want my kids to be those kids; I never want my kids to be like… me.

I think it’s time I see someone, a mental health professional who can help me come to terms will all my issues growing up, what happened in my roaring 20s, many of the successes in my 30s and now how to truly live the my best life.

I need to shed this debt and stop being held back. I need to set the example for my kids that hard work and living within your means is the right was to be.

I’m ready to break free! All the work has already been done (did I mention my team is awesome??)

I just need to find someone who can help me shed the emotional baggage.  The connection between my emotional baggage and my money issues has to be tackled even though I don’t want to--it’s just another embarrassing step!

Wish me luck and think good thoughts about my future therapist! That professional will need the happy thoughts after dealing with me.

 Tracey’s Huge and Embarrassing Debt is a SpouseBuzz series. Tracey is a military wife who attended one of our live Military.com Spouse Experience events and was inspired to make a life change. As she and her family have been working with USAA’s Scott Halliwell and JJ Montannaro, they are  all be blogging about how military families really can get out of debt — one tiny change at a time.