10 Military Halloween Costumes We Love to Hate

10 Military Costumes We Love to Hate

Oh hey, Halloween. How ya doing. I haven’t seen you and your (incredibly … interesting?) military Halloween costume choices for awhile. But then here you are, landing in my inbox, as if somehow you knew all I ever wanted to be when I grew up was a sexy, almost-topless version of my Marine.

You smarty pants, you.

So I checked myself out in the mirror – yoga pants (the cute pair, in my defense), maternity t-shirt, a smooshed cheerio or four from my toddler’s breakfast stuck to my leg, and I thought to myself, you know, self? You know what you REALLY NEED TO BE this Halloween?

This:

Sexy Soldier Girl costume from Musotica available on Amazon

Sexy Soldier Girl costume from Musotica available on Amazon

Yep. That’s the one.

And then I immediately had a pang of regret. What if that’s too conservative for the neighborhood Trunk or Treat? What if I’m not looking at all my options? I mean, after all, it’s important when envisioning one’s Halloween costume to not just contain ourselves to things that involve ammo swung over our shoulders. After all, we all know service members wear MANY hats. So if we are going to try our hand at this come Halloween, so should we. Some of them should even resemble piss-cutters… with added lace. Obviously.

For example, if you’re married into the Air Force, you might want to try this Fly Babe costume out.

Fever Fly Girl costume available on New Egg

Fever Fly Girl costume available on New Egg

Every little girl in the neighborhood will be totally jealous of your lace and ribbon detailing (so reminiscent of Belle coming down the stairs to the Beast!), so it’s totally trick-or-treating friendly. This is an especially good choice for anyone in warmer climes or who has maybe enjoyed some black bean tacos for dinner. After all, it’s already accounted for posterior airflow.

For those of you living in colder places, like Alaska, or, you know, anywhere where “Fall” actually means something, you have your own specially-designed weather-appropriate options! Take this jumpsuit:

Pretty Paratrooper costume available on Ebay

Pretty Paratrooper costume available on Ebay

That’s bound to keep you warm, and what homage you’re paying to every paratrooper ever just by zipping yourself into this! I know when I think about how to honor those who have served, I definitely think “JUMPSUIT.” Liposuction not included.

But maybe you’re more of the girly-girl type. I get it. My closet is strewn with pink. For you, think military PLUS tutu. After all, Pinterest taught me you’re only allowed to put a girl in a costume if it has a tutu on it.

Commando Costume from Party City

Commando Costume from Party City

I’m not sure where you’re going to dig up those boots (I haven’t seen them in the PX lately), but let’s not be scuttled by details. I mean this one is a WINNER. Plus, if you’re breastfeeding, it’d be pretty easy to feed on the go in this one. Serious bonus.

If you’re shopping on a budget, don’t be dismayed. Choices abound for you, too!

Here’s a “Battalion Babe Accessory Kit” that comes with everything you need to be a Battallion Babe: A top bra thing AND a hat. I mean guys, THAT is a DISCOUNT. A bra and a hat?!? I NEVER thought about matching those before. Ever.

 

Battalion Babe Accessory Kit available at Party City

Battalion Babe Accessory Kit available at Party City

Right there. That’s everything you need to be the Battalion Babe. And I know when you were thinking about Halloween and listening to your daughter harp about Elsa and your son go on about Batman, you thought BATTALION BABE. Don’t worry, I think Batman’s cape can help if you get a little nippy out there.

But! We all know the military isn’t all cammo all the time. I mean, when I start thinking about the Navy, this is obviously the first thing I see.

Sexy Sailor costume by Leg Avenue available at 3Wishes

Sexy Sailor costume by Leg Avenue available at 3Wishes

Right. I think Dr. Suess tights. (Stockings? Large leg warmers? Something.) But either way, children far and wide will look at you and think, you know, I COULD dream of being a super hero when I grow up… or I could be THAT. The other mothers in the neighborhood will in no way whisper behind your back when you pull this baby out.

Or this one.

Sexy Military Girl ensemble available at Pink Queen

Sexy Military Girl ensemble available at Pink Queen

Am I the only one a little confused by the whole bed-and-teddy bear posing here? I mean, when I think naughty outfit perfectly acceptable costume I TOTALLY default mentally to “and teddy bear, too!”

Maybe your spouse’s command will be present wherever you’re spending Halloween and you, all tongue-in-cheek, want to show them who’s really boss. I feel you. I mean… I don’t feel totally helpless to control our family schedule AT ALL when we start talking military time demands. So you, point maker, might want to consider this fair option:

General Punishment costume by Leg Avenue available at Simon Says Dress Up

General Punishment costume by Leg Avenue available at Simon Says Dress Up

Bonus: You know it’s actually conservative because your shoulders are covered.  See, nothing to worry about, Grandma.

Maybe you scored those full-leg pleather boots last year and you’re looking for a new costume now. Fear not! You can always be a sexy drill sergeant!

Sexy Military Sergeant Costume available on Yahoo

Sexy Military Sergeant Costume available on Yahoo

I am totally confident that the minute they see you, every beer-holding, child-escorting sergeant out there will know you take their job SO SERIOUSLY and that you TOTALLY GET their service. This one also looks pretty nursing friendly. Just sayin.

And lest my fellow Marine Corps wives feel left out, boy have I got the costume for you. It’s called “Hoorah Hottie.”

Hoorah Hottie available at 3Wishes

Hoorah Hottie available at 3Wishes

Hooooo-raaaah. Guys. You can do so much more than wear your spouse’s rank on your bumper. You can now LITERALLY WEAR IT ON YOUR BIKINI BOTTOM. (Sadly, I hear the sounds of Marines rejoicing everywhere. Come on, Lands End, your swim design team needs to get it together already!)

I’ll add, too: That bottom is a thong.

Because there’s nothing that says “I totally take the military seriously” than showing up to a Trunk-or-Treat in that. (I think that becomes a trunk-as-treat?)

So, folks, I think all of this leads me to one really sensible conclusion. This Halloween, I’m going to do my service member some honor and don my best military-themed costume just for him: That of an overworked, under slept, TOTALLY A SERIOUS JOURNALIST military spouse… but maybe with some hoorah hottie underneath. (Does it come in pregnant lady size?)

About the Author

Raleigh Duttweiler
Raleigh Duttweiler is a writer and social media expert living just outside the gates of MacDill in sunny Saint Petersburg, Florida. A Marine Corps wife, she has navigated the stress of Active Duty moves, trainings, and deployments, and now that her family has transitioned to the Reserves, she's experiencing the "weekend warrior" side of military life. (NB: It's not quite as part-time as advertised.) When not writing about benefits and military families, Raleigh posts here about truly life-altering, important issues like What Not to Wear to a Military Ball (visible thongs), Military Halloween Costumes We Love to Hate (ones that generally resemble both military uniforms AND thongs), and how to pack awesome care packages. She is passionate about spouse employment, higher education, and helping families navigate the often-bumpy transition back into civilian life. Raleigh also manages the SpouseBUZZ and Military.com Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest pages, so be sure to say hi!
  • guest

    These costumes are awesome. Thanks for doing my Halloween shopping for me.

    • Monacat

      Do you not respect the uniform and what it stands for? To trash it up is disrespect not only to our country, but our men that fought for us and our freedoms. My husband died from effects of the war so this does bother me that you think it is cool to disrespect the uniform!
      Monacat

      • JennD

        OOoooohhh I am so-o with you on that!! My husband also died from Agent Orange effects ~ he was USMC ~ & to even post them ~ let alone think about wearing one of them ~ is disgusting!
        People have no morals nor respect for themselves these days…

      • You do understand that this piece is satire, right?
        Her writing is drenched in scarcastic statements lending to the theme that the writer doesn’t really mean what she is writing, and in fact, she is making her point toward the need to wear more conservative and appropriate attire out of respect for the several branches of armed forces.
        That is what satire is. It is not meant to be taken literally.

    • ellyn wheeless

      These are trashy costumes and should only be used between husband and wife in their bedroom. We have lost to many soldiers sailors marines airmen and coast guard troops to disrespect them like that .

  • shannon

    Haha well I own most of these and still collecting ;-) thanks for sharing!

  • Guest

    I’d rather see these then to see them trying to look cute or fit in real articles of a uniform or worse yet trying wrap their entire naked bodies in a American flag! Like can you stop!

  • Ambthomas

    Awesome!!! Lol. I had to jot a couple down but for our own private party

  • Jessica

    Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!

  • jvl

    If I saw one of my fellow military spouses wearing one of these costumes, I would personally wring her neck. Defiles the uniform that our troops wear and often die in. My dressing mantra: occasionally sassy, never trashy, always classy.

    • oldbrokendownretiree

      Really, you’d wring her neck? Sounds like a little jealousy to me. These costumes are not uniforms nor are they meant to emulate a uniform. They are a sexy little outfit that women who can actually wear them purchase for their own use/gratification. Get over yourself, the fashion police chief passed on a couple of weeks ago. Oh by the way, be careful which spouses you grab hold of, it may be your neck that gets wrung, some of these spouses now-a-days are pretty tough cookies.

    • PAP

      Good answer !!

  • Fordownr

    Costumes, really? Hate to break it to you but these are lingerie (with the possible exception of the paratrooper outfit) unless you’re going to a swingers party….

    • Jane doe

      Exactly, I think they really want the military spouses to go pole dancing in these uniforms while our husbands are away on tour. What a shame. What idiot came up with this UNbRIGHT idea sounds like they need there head examined or maybe they’ve been watching too much porn.

  • galloglas

    If a spouse looks like these models they do not need a costume, or going out to trick or treat.

    • Tim

      First and foremost, the writer is purely and obviously not promoting these uniforms/costumes. Secondly, each to their own, we do live in a free country. And lastly, pole dancing is a legitimate sport. Can you hold your fat ass up on a slippery pole? Pun intended!! You don’t have to agree, you don’t even have to like them, but you do have to respect the freedom any woman has when exercising her right to wear a skimpy costume. Don’t be haters simply because you have to wear one of the three pigs as your costume. Its about time you politically correct morons leave people alone and quit trying to push your agendas in regards to something as simple as a Halloween costume. If a woman wants to wear it she has the right to wear it. Are you all up in arms about the bikinis and barely clad models draped in old glory?

  • wtpworrier

    “10 Military Halloween Costumes We Love to Hate”__________________________________I don’t know…I kinda like em….and the models ain’t half bad either.

  • caz

    Who’s hating what?

  • conng

    I had originally posted a comment saying, essentially, “This article is just one giant example of —- shaming.” My comment was removed however, I’m assuming due to the fact that descriptive word for what you are doing is somehow more offensive than the actual act?

    • Amy_Bushatz

      It is against Military.com commenting policy to allow offensive language.

  • conng

    S— Shaming is the actual phrase”used to describe the act of making a person, especially a woman, feel guilty or inferior for certain sexual behaviors, circumstances or desires that deviate from traditional or orthodox gender expectations, or that which may be considered to be contrary to natural or religious law. ” The word is hardly offensive in this context. There are various academic and news articles about the practice.

    What is offensive is the content of this article, in which the author tries to make herself feel superior to other women based simply on the costumes they wear. Trying to shame a woman for wearing what she likes is far more vulgar than the simple act of showing skin.

  • Guest

    Not all active duty personnel are males, I’d like to see something for our dependent husbands!

  • Monacat

    It is so sad that people think making our countries uniformes sexy is okay.I guess it is a sign of the times where sexy is alright and this is so sad. Our societies morals have gone down hill and I blame this on the media. Our forefathers that fought for our rights are probabley turning over in their graves knowing that they gave their lives to protect our freedoms and people now do not respect their giving up their lives. Our society needs to get their heads out of the sand and understand there are proper morals that makes a country strong.

    Monacat

    • Denise

      Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery; but I don’t think you have anything to worry about. Most women would not wear these costumes (lingerie) in public anyway. My daughter would wear these (not in public), and she is an Iraq war veteran.

  • Ccg

    serious? this is ridiculous, how many spouses have this type of body to wear something like this?
    most of them have families and take their kids trick or treating.

    good grief…

  • J S

    OMG people lighten up. It’s a COSTUME. Not an actual uniform. If they were cutting up their spouses uniform then ok get offended. These are purely a costume meant to emulate a uniform.. Do you get offended at a football costume? Or a devil costume? Probably not, and that would make you a hypocrite. And before you attack me for my opinion, I’m a disabled iraq combat Vet. I’d say I actually have a say in this. No where is it written that you are not allowed to parody a uniform. Like I said, I’d agree if they were altering an actual CURRENT uniform into these, but these are obviously not even close to any real uniform. I fought for the right to have your opinion, this is mine. Lighten up and enjoy life a little.

    • Char

      I was going to post my own comment, however you just summed up my thoughts exactly. I agree it is good to lighten up and enjoy life! Thank you for your service.

    • Natasha Scott

      Yeah JS my thoughts exactly. Lighten up. I’m a female vet and I’m not offended either. It’s a costume.

    • Jenn S

      Thank you for your service, and I truly enjoyed your comment. I have nothing but the utmost respect for our military and veterans! Great points you’ve made and yes, life is meant to be enjoyed. Thank you for helping me to enjoy mine!

  • Ambthomas

    My boobs are unfortunately not that big but after 4 kids the rest of me is still in shape to wear these. It does not mean I will wear them in public but as a private thing between the hubby and myself. Personally I just feel too old to wear these out of the house but if a spouse would like to wear it and play dress up with her significant other I do not see the problem. Even the spouses who are considered plus size have versions of some of these. I agree with the others that say as long as you are not altering REAL uniforms, this is all fun and games. Just my opinions ladies and gents.

  • Ambthomas

    My b**bs are unfortunately not that big but after 4 kids the rest of me is still in shape to wear these. It does not mean I will wear them in public but as a private thing between the hubby and myself. Personally I just feel too old to wear these out of the house but if a spouse would like to wear it and play dress up with her significant other I do not see the problem. Even the spouses who are considered plus size have versions of some of these. I agree with the others that say as long as you are not altering REAL uniforms, this is all fun and games. Just my opinions ladies and gents.

  • Amber Baxter

    OMG I cannot believe the amount of FREAK OUT going on. Never once in my entire life have I seen a woman wear these costumes out in public while taking kids trick or treating. The only place I have ever seen women wear costumes like this is at a bar or an adult Halloween party. Let me guess though, the person to comment on this is going to say “oh I have seen it”. Bull!!!!!!!

    There is no degradation of uniform here. They are cheap, poorly made costumes. The only similarity to ACTUAL real uniforms is color. They are not even the same camo pattern the military uses worn. Get the F over it! I have a blanket that looks like the American flag. I am pretty positive I have farted on it in my sleep numerous times. Does that mean I am degrading the flag and the men and women who fought for what it means? No. Just like someone wearing a costume that only has the same matching colors as a uniform is not degrading it.

    You all sound like a bunch of moody, self hating, bored house wives with nothing better to do than hate on people who can actually wear these costumes because you feel like crap about yourself.

    Calm down! Stick to things that actually matter regarding our military.

  • Michael

    I remember that in 1968 my big sister and I went trick or treating in Killeen, Tx. She wore dad’s boots, grey one-piece zip-up flight suit and big flight helmet with the drop down visor in front. Every house we went to loved that! “Come see the chopper pilot!” Helicopter pilots were “in” in those days. I just went as basic ghost in a white sheet with eye-holes. I was soooo jealous!
    But I can see the problem people might have with these costumes. I was near a man in a Spirit store and his little girl wanted to go look at the outfits that looked like those above. “No honey,” he said, “those are big-girl costumes.” An awkward situation for him, but I think he handled it well enough.
    This article is a well-written satire. If it makes you think about the values inherent in the men and women of our military who wear the uniforms, good. If it makes you laugh, even better.

  • Hooksdown

    Available in thongs, you say?

  • MsLove0916

    The people that say this degrades the uniform, must not have actually seen a real uniform. These COSTUMES are nowhere near looking like the uniform of any branch.

    They are meant for ADULTS!!! SMH!!! For those that are saying the women that wear these are disgracing themselves and have no morals……. Do you also get mad when you see a woman at the beach/pool in a bikini?? That is essentially what these are pretty much.

    Good grief!!! Stop being such prudes, and relax!!!

  • For those of you in the comments section who are taking this article seriously, and finding offense with it: please look up the word SATIRE. This “article” is a classic example of satire and basically, the writer is using obvious scarcastic commentary to make a point. Her point is that she doesn’t feel these costumes are appropriate, but she is saying so in a “creative” way.
    It’s like the saying, “I could eat my weight in Halloween candy” except nobody can really eat that much in one sitting.
    So lighten up regarding the comments that this piece is disrespectful. It’s meant to be a funny take on ultra-revealing/overtly sexy costuming choices that most grown women and wives I service members would not wear.
    Sheesh!

  • jojo613

    Gotta love the negative stereotypes that no spouse could actually pull that costume off… Yeah, this girl can… I would never actually wear these costumes, like another poster stated imitation is the most sincerest form of flattery. Love the costumes, wouldn’t wear them, and as a female vet they don’t offend me. Peeps need to get a life and sense of humor :).

  • armor6787

    Some 20 years ago after I had retired from the Army, my daughter and my son-in-law borrowed a set of my woodland pattern BDU’s for a Halloween/Costume party at a local medical group (mostly doctors and nurses) . No rank, badges, etc were on the uniform – only US ARMY and my last name. They won hands-down for the most original medical theme costume — daughter (BDU jacket) went as an Upper G.I. and son-in- law as a Lower G.I. (BDU pants).

  • Sarah

    Hoorah is Army, not Marines OOO-RAH

  • Tuesday

    These look like good options for Bedroom Play. :) Don’t think I’d wear them in public. HA