My week started off on Sunday with a get together for old friends. Pre-war civilian friends. Catching up with them was interesting. They’re doing new things. Nobody asked what I was up to.
They all had a pretty good idea that whatever I was doing centered around military support and our wounded and injured in the hospitals but nobody wanted to know anything more than that.
As a matter of fact, anytime the conversation looked like it was even maybe going in that direction, they would change the subject to something more "palatable" to their tastes. And they’d get that "deer in the headlights" look. I could almost hear them thinking,"Oh no!! SemperFiWife is going THERE"
Sigh…. We’ve had a conversation recently here at Spousebuzz about what we are now vs. what we were in the past. My experience on Sunday cemented that idea for me.
And I honestly don’t understand. The men and women that I meet through volunteering at the hospitals humble me with their courage and their service. You see, they’re not just surviving, they’re thriving. Maybe they are having to relearn how to do something we take for granted like walking but they are doing it with determination and humor. They are trying new things. One of my guys learned how to play ice hockey with prosthetics on and he’s so good that the instructors want him to teach kids how to play.
Why wouldn’t you want to know someone like that? Or someone like the young Soldier who came to a fishing event last week wearing a t-shirt that read,"$10 for the leg story"? That’s a guy with a damned good sense of humor, don’t you think?
And knowing them gives me perspective. The impediments I perceive as mountains are really just molehills. Looking at what they can overcome makes me realize that anything is possible.
My experience Sunday just makes me feel like I live in an alternate universe. I think I prefer it to the one my friends are living in. I’m not sure that even makes sense but..there it is.
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SemperFi Wife- that makes perfect sense!!! I live in the civilian world while my fiance is off in the Army. My new life with him involves deployments, PCS moves, and the reality of war. My civilian friends at home just don't want to talk about it. And when I make them listen because I need a friend or someone to listen, they too get the Deer in Headlights look and don't ask questions or don't want to engage the topic. It's frustrating! I prefer your universe too! :)
One of your best. No, scratch that.
I think this may be your best yet. When you write about something you really care about, it just shines. Well done.
SFW – what you said makes SO MUCH sense. I very sadly divide my life into before and after war, too.
I'm a sucker for military charities. If Soldier's Angels sends out an alert for something, I'm bugging everyone I know to fill it.
Since 9/11, I have found that there are a few of my civilian friends that go out of their way to help. They want to hear the stories, they want to send CARE packages, they want to sew adaptive clothing. Whatever they can do, they do it; they get their churches to do it; they have their kids write card after card after card.
But mostly, even within my own family, I see what you say. I say, "We need cards for these wounded!" They say, "I'm sorry, I'm just so busy – you know?" I say, "TAPS needs volunteers in this area," they say, "Oh, I was going to the coast that day."
It doesn't make me angry – it makes me utterly sad and defeated.
I also find myself practically ascribing sainthood to my civilian friends that do go out of their way to help or to listen. They are truly extraordinary people doing something that would be very easy to gloss over and ignore, like most people do. And yet they feel the call…
Gotta love 'em.
I'm feel the same way sometimes.. You said it perfectly with "makes me feel like I live in an alternate universe. " But then I think about all the things I'm experiencing, all the incredible people and troops I've met.. And I wouldn't trade it for the world.. :)
Totally focused on a minute detail here, but…what a clever t-shirt that soldier had on! Reminds me of Chuck Z's shirt: http://www.cafepress.com/chuxshirts.47640579
SemperFi Wife, you do so much good. I am proud to know you and call you a friend.
Yep – the eyes glaze right over.
Many people think of the things you see as "horrible" things, and they don't want to think about horrible things.
I, too, wish they knew the truth.
But you know what? I kinda like the alternative universe better than the other one, anyway.
It's interesting how people react to different things. It's kind of like being in public with my friend's son who has cancer. When he had lost his hair and people could tell that he probably had cancer, most people would not look at or acknowledge him. I think it's difficult for most people to take a straight forward approach because they are concerned about saying the wrong thing or becoming involved and therefore recognizing those in need of support.
One of the things that I found that helped my friends was the indirect approach. Thanks to modern technology, almost everyone has e-mail these days. I send updates to family and friends about my military side of life and it makes it easier for them to read it and assimilate it into their minds before they have to respond. Then usually the next time I see them and/or by e-mail they reach out and offer their support. We had a lot of support from the in-depth letters I would put out while my husband was away. Plus, then I could just say it once and not repeat it all the time to people. Now that many from my husbands new unit are deploying, I am again reaching out through updates for support for these men/women and their families and the support again is wonderful.
I'm not sure why the face to face is always harder but it just seems to be that way.
SFW – Thanks for all the good work you're doing! Just keep reaching out and keep spreading your message, its helping in ways you probably won't see until later but believe me, they hear you. Kind of reminds me of talking to my teenager. Even though the eyes glaze over, I know somewhere in the deep recesses of her mind, my message is being heard and in the long run, it will make a difference :)
Absolutely wonderful post. There are a lot of us who understand exactly where you're coming from.
My experience Sunday just makes me feel like I live in an alternate universe.
Exactly. That's how I feel around civilians. The bizarre part is that as a civilian myself, I'm not really living in either universe… I don't know where I fit anymore.
You know I love this post…I just had a similiar moment. My best friend in the whole world and I were on the phone a few minutes ago and she asked how I was doing and I said something along the lines of "well my husband is getting ready to leave soon and I'm kind of in a funk" and she says "Yeah that sucks let's not talk about it and just forget about it." Well, I can see why she'd say that because she doesnt know what to say…but I can't just not think about it or forget about it. Not thinking/talking about it doesn't make it go away. Makes me glad I have friends here who can understand and know what it's like and are willing to listen and talk about it. I think my friends at home would, they just don't know what to say because they don't understand. Well put SemperFiWife.
This just goes to show how we all need to stick together. No matter what we're going through, there is someone out there who has gone through it, is going through it, or is about to go through it. We may not have the exact same experiences or feelings but the general idea is understood.
I love my non-military friends and family but it did hurt when they tuned me out. My own sister even asked why I would volunteer or spend so much time doing it. I didn't even know how to respond, which gave her the perfect segue into another topic.
I have learned to just have two sets of friends. i wish I didn't, and that they could merge into one group but i know that's asking too much. As the saying goes, "Walk a mile in her shoes…."
Jack Bauer and I had a similar experience recently. I think it was one last good-bye to that civilian life for us. And like you, I prefer this alternate universe, too.
I've experienced this same thing and MaryAnn you are correct, people don't want to hear about horrible" things, it makes people uncomfortable to realize what true sacrifice really is and makes their whining complaints of everyday life so trivial.
I am dealing with this right now. We have civilian friends here right now and I am about to go crazy. They have made fun of everything on this base. I feel like I am babysitting. We have been finished with lunch most days before they are even awake. I also informed them not to bring guns on their visit. I called them an hour before they arrived and he was pulled over unloading his 5 guns before they got to the gate. I refuse to ride with them in their car because I am not getting caught with all that yet they don't get what the big deal is. We have been fighting the whole time. We have been friends since we were young children but I just can't believe how much we have grown and they just kinda got left behind us.
when you find that civilian friend who goes out of her way to send care packages, cards etc… you cherish her very much. I have one, and throughout my DHs deployment, she sent care packages to about 20 of his fellow soldiers. Christmas- she sent boxes and boxes of fudge. another milspouse recently told about a soldier not getting mail. I emailed my friend – the guy had a box the next week.
Let's contrast that with the civilians at work… oh, let's not talk about that… oh, that's just tooo depressing… oh, are there still problems with the VA/Walter Reed/Afghanistan? Can I screan NOW, or do I have to wait… So, I cherish my friend, and my milspouse/blogging friends. and give up on the rest, because I cannot continue to swim upstream against this tide of disinterest and apathy.
LAW
"…sometimes it's all fetch and no pats on the head"!
I have also felt the lonliness in a group while secretly wishing for a kind word, question or smile. I've learned that I cannot rely on others to fulfill my need at that time. My faith leads me to believe that it is a moment to be a better listener.
Others get so absorbed in their own life that they selfishly dominate a conversation with their endless talking.
This expereince of isolation allows us to be better women by making sure we inquire about each person in the room and give each one a chance to vent or share.
Use this hurtful moment to be a better person, listener and friend…
You women amaze me. I admire your strength and depth of spirit.
I'm a civilian, married to a retired AF guy, but not until after he retired.
My daughter is married to an Army guy (that she met while she was in the Army) and I have to say she has courage that I don't think I would have had.
Remember her, as my son-in-law is in Iraq again, and this time she's not living anywhere near a fort. Or base.
The best thing I can do for my son-in-law is to help his wife and daughter any way I can.
I do not really understand why "civilians" don't get this.