Every time that He of the Sea returns from the sea, or wherever he’s been for three days/three weeks/three months, I try to get our lives together so that it least appears that I’ve been Superwoman while he was gone. Depending on the length of absence, this might include something as simple as making sure the kitchen is clean and the sheets are freshly washed or it might include hanging new curtains, rearranging furniture and scrubbing bathrooms extra clean. Regardless, I always have the same questions: Is this a good idea? Is it helpful? Is it welcoming? Or does it just make me crazy?
That might seem silly: of course HotS wants to come home to a calm, peaceful, non-disaster area home. Who wouldn’t? The questions are bigger than that, of course. Our home is never peaceful and calm. Why would I try to pretend that it is, just because HotS has been gone? Is it helpful for me to run around like a mad woman, or would it be more helpful if I just put myself in a calm and peaceful state of mind and let the house be regular old untidy and nutsy? Plus, no matter how much work I do, the place is usually still in some sort of chaos when the door opens. So what is the point of all that effort? (I know I’m not the only person who has complained when their spouse comes home early. Sad, but true.)
Another aspect of this questioning has to do with our family’s ability to function without HotS. It’s obvious that we can survive when he’s gone, and we do try to thrive despite missing an important member of our family. But do we want it to look like we are more together when he’s gone? What kind of message does that send? What I don’t want to do is convey the idea that we’re happier/healthier/more organized when he’s not here. Our routines are different when he’s gone. Some aspects of them might be better, such as eating dinner at a reasonable hour instead of waiting for Daddy to get home. As a whole, however, life is always better when our family is together.
So, what’s a milspouse to do? Turn my Animal House home into House Beautiful after every absence (ha!), leave the papers stacked on the bedside table but take the time to make myself beautiful, or some compromise between the two?
About She of the Sea
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Make the house presentable;
Make yourself beautiful;
Get a sitter.
Trust me, he won't be lookin' at the house…….
Just my penny or three…
0>;~}
think I'm with Sly on this. although… I know if the place was in it's usual state of pit-dom… it would have driven me crazy – and then with his "after 22 months out of the house" crap to stow as well/PCSing… well, I'd have been a complete nutter. (the peanut gallery mutterings about "well, you are, aren't you etc etc NOT required, thank you;-))Go with the sane and sensible little bit of both choice.
LAW
I think there's just a mental need to do it, do make a fuss over them coming home. Like shaving your legs before a date. You don't do it every day, but you do it when the occasion arises.
But you make a good point about whether or not our guys perceive the special effort as an indication that things are better when they're gone… Personally, I don't think my BF would ever assume that despite how clean my house is or how prettied up I am, because I clearly communicate to him repeatedly while he's gone exactly why life sucks without him. :-p
I can never sleep well when dh is gone. So the house does look better etc…when he is gone, not because we run better when he is gone, but because I don't sleep well when he is gone, so I have time after the kids are in bed to do cleaning I normally wouldn't get done, and dh knows this, so he is okay coming home to house beautiful, because he knows it won't stay that way!
I think homecoming is like Christmas. How much time do we spend getting things "Christmasy?" We put up special decorations, we change some of the decor, we make things merry and bright…
It makes sense that we go through these same issues during homecoming. After all, it's the biggest celebration of the year, right?
Like ArmyReserveWife, my house is always cleaner and better organized when he's gone, but we don't have kids so cleaning up after one is, most of the time, pretty easy. However, there are days…
I'm also with Loquita and LAW, I think most of us do it as much for our sanity as for them. Secretly, I know that Mr. Andi could care less if the house was less than perfect. He's just happy to be home. But, I think it makes us feel good to put forth the effort for them, and it would drive us nuts if we didn't. I do take better care with a homecoming, though. Deeper cleaning, special touches, etc..
This is a great post, and it reminded me of another great post by Homefront Six: http://www.spousebuzz.com/blog/2007/09/reunion-ne…
Andi, thanks for the link! I think that Homefront Six says it much more eloquently than I do :) How did I miss that one?
Before DH came home on leave, I skipped the gym for an entire week to clean the house. I didn't want him to come home to the same pile of junk sitting in the same place he left it. That was mainly for my sanity, since I felt pathetic for cleaning it up. He was impressed at my progress, but ultimately he just wanted a shower and the obvious…
It's funny…the first few underways,Id go all out.Bake a cake or cupcakes.Clean,clean,and clean the house.
Now I just try to have all the laundry done and get a shower before I pick him up.
If I mopped the entry way is not on his mind,believe me ;-)
We'll see how this goes once the baby comes.The baby will be about a month old once he returns.
I just try to have the refrig stocked,so I usually make a Commissary run before he comes home.And If I get to the cleaning,I do.
sounds silly… but im desperately DESPERATELY excited about having to figure this out myself when I finally (AAAAAAAAAAARG) get to live with The Boy.
I read your posts and comments with great enthusiasm…
Well, since hubby knows that the best way to get the house cleaned is to have a party; can't let our friends know how much we hate doing dishes! I like the idea of having a cleaning frenzy before he gets home, just 5 more months to go, sigh…
While I know my husband doesn't care about the house, I have a maid coming this week and next week to make sure that it is spic and span. Hmmmm…I might get used to this and keep her around!
When my DH returned from the sandbox, I had hired a cleaning crew to come in and take care of the mess. I was really hurt that he didn't notice, until he pointed out that after being gone so long, he assumed it had been that clean all along. He was more impressed with my freshly waxed legs than the fact that you could eat off the bathroom floor!
You know, i was more worried about what my mother would think of the mess when she came over to see him after deployment. I knew as long as there was no pile of laundry in the living room that he really won't care.
I am in my Clean-O-Rama mode right now, with my guy coming home from Iraq TOMORROW NIGHT!
I feel the need to clean. I can't not clean. It's what got me through last week's stress of not knowing where he was or when he was coming home.
I don't think he'll notice or care, but I will!
I don't think it matters if you clean. 2 weeks before he came home he mailed all his stuff back. 3 trunks that were so heavy that after the mailman dropped it off on the porch it took me and all 3 kids to drag them in. We didn't get them much farther than the front door. Then hubby came home with bags and started opening all this stuff up and we didn't see the floor for at least a month. Not to mention all the sand he had everywhere.
Good or bad, I do it too. I quess I just want him to think that I can handle things while he is gone (which is only somewhat true). I don't want him to worry too much about us.