The last time my husband was deployed was in 2004. During that deployment, he was in an area of Iraq with very little infrastructure. There were no phones or internet where he was; there wasn’t even running water. During that deployment, our main source of communication was snail mail.
I sent my husband 215 letters while he was gone. He sent me 10.
For me, this was a serious sore spot. I begged him in letters to write me back, but it was fruitless. I hated to use precious phone time to nag my husband to write me, but I felt so disconnected from him. I had no idea what was going on in his life for 13 months. I wanted him to write to me, but mostly I wanted him to want to write to me. Why didn’t he want to write to me? When we did get to talk on the phone, about once a month, he would say that he loved my letters and that they kept him going. And it stung, because what I wanted to say in return was, "Yeah, don’t you think I would like to feel the same way?" But I didn’t. I just tried to gently suggest that maybe he could send me a letter if he had some free time.
I even tried dropping hints, like sending him a self-addressed envelope and card. I found it in the bottom of the footlocker he sent home at the end of the deployment.
When my husband got home, I let it all out. I cried and slobbered and said that it made me feel unimportant that he didn’t set aside a few minutes a week to write to me. I said that I know it’s not in his nature to compose with a pen, but that I thought he might try to do it just because it would mean so much to me. Boy, I laid that guilt trip on! But I was serious about the feelings: I felt like our communication had been a one-way street for over a year, and it had taken a toll on me. He said that he knew he should have been writing me while he was gone, but he didn’t realize how much he had hurt me by procrastinating. He knew he had screwed up, but he didn’t know how badly until he got home.
So we kissed and made up, and then it became a running joke. Anytime someone on TV was writing a love letter, I’d throw him a mocking glance. I’d start sentences with "The next time you deploy and you write me letters all the time…" And my husband would exasperatedly joke that he was gonna bury me in letters the next time.
When we watched the John Adams miniseries, and Abigail Adams sadly chastizes her husband for not writing to her while he was in France, my husband groaned and said, "Aw crap, here we go again…" John Adams gave his wife some line about how missing her was so burdensome that he couldn’t possibly write her a letter without falling into depression, I turned to my husband and said, "Don’t even THINK about using that line."
Now that he’s deployed again, I’ve so far written him 26 letters and he’s written me eight. Not a great improvement, but at least it’s a better ratio than before. And honestly, it doesn’t bother me nearly as much this time. We have far better access to phones and instant messaging than we did last time, so I don’t feel his absence as much. The last time he was gone, phone contact was for passing on information only, like when he called to say he’d probably be out of contact for three months. But this time we get to talk or IM often enough that we have time to laugh about movies or talk about the presidential elections. (That’s another thing that’s someone else’s weird: Joan D’Arc thought it was funny that we’d waste our time IMing about politics, but that’s what we like to talk about when we’re in the same room, so it’s fun to still talk about it when we’re apart. That’s our normal. And I like that our contact and conversations have felt so normal this time around, unlike last time.)
I don’t need those letters as much as I needed them last time, though I still cherish them and love that he takes time in his week to sit down and do something he really hates doing, just because it makes his wife happy.
But sometimes I still like to tease him that he’s "pulling that John Adams bullcrap" when he doesn’t write.
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I love that "John Adams Bullcrap" phrase! My husband was never superb at writing letters while deployed but I'll give him props b/c he actually wrote me a lot more this last deployment. And that was with almost daily phone calls and emails.
I like the letter writing b/c sometimes we would get on the phone and not know what to talk about or say. With a letter, it's just different.
I know all about the lack of letters feeling. In the 15 months of deployment I got 2 letters. And they came together (meaning he wrote them at the same time.) I told him the 2nd letter didn't even count since it was his Christmas list and he'd written the 8 things he wanted for Christmas.. just the 8 words, no "Dear Penny, miss/love you.."
Lol.. If he'd heard the John Adams quote, he most definitely would be trying to use it. We were able to IM more often, so that made up for the letters and I saved those instead. I still tease him about that special *2nd* letter though.
My fiance got up to get a glass of water during that scene in John Adams. I rewound it and made him watch it when he sat back down. I was hoping it would sink in how important it is to me to receive letters when he is deployed. I still don't think he gets it though. I felt unity with Mrs. Adams and am so thankful that we live in the age of the internet & e-mail!
We IMed so much – we didn't write letters! I saved all the IMs and have them on a disk. Maybe this deployment. when I read him the Adams bit – he said "we IMed every day! why would I write"… and for a change, I agree! I did send cards, funny little, silly little, or romantic cards. I think I'll start buying some now, as I see them.
LAW
Okay … here's what worked, uh-hmm, on someone I know. Go to Office Depot and get that Avery package of post cards. Format Word to print his return and your "to" address on one side.
Then on the back make it all multiple choice questions like, (1) Today, I am: a) fine, b) tired, c) sad … and leave two lines of _______ for him to fill in. Pre-stamp and send him the set wrapped up with a little whif of your special perfume. … he'll slowly get into the habit, and soon come to despise the little cards and MAYBE start doing his own thing (which may of course be computer generated! Ha!)
I bet he's reading this, eh?
Toad
Toad, I love that idea! I think he'll get a kick out of it and be amused.. hehe :)
Heh, Toad, funny idea. Last time I did send him one letter that was set up like a Mad Lib. Stuff like "My favorite soldier in the platoon is ______. For breakfast, I eat _________." and so on. I thought it was pretty funny.
Wow, you just hit the nail on the head with how I'm feeling lately. I just whined in my own blog about the lack of letters. I have written nearly every day of this deployment (we're almost done!), and have 5 letters. I'm feeling emotionally spent and unappreciated. Nice to see I'm not the only one to have felt that way.
I got really lucky. DH has told me before that when he's deployed, he doesn't want letters because he wants to focus on the task at hand, doesn't want to let his mind stray, etc.
He ended up going to BCT and I got a TON of letters from him – almost on par with my own! He's too cute, I really love that about him.
What's this "Letter" thing you all speak of? Hmmm? What do they look like? They have been elusive in this household, almost like Big Foot. I'd like to see one in person to be sure they truly exist. I have my doubts.
I have a feeling that, should I ever actually GET a letter from MacGyver while he's deployed, it will read very similar to the IMs he sends me.
Which means it will start out with, "So…whatcha wearin'?"
And that will just kill it for me!
I got upset about the emails. I would send long detailed emails about the kids, pets, family, friends, the tuneup on the car you name it I wrote about it. The reply emails might make it to a whole 2 sentences. Some days he wouldn't even send one back. He would tell me when he called that he read my email but didn't have anything to say so he didn't reply. I would point out very fast that those emails let me know he was OK so if he didn't have anything to write about at least send me a blank page just so I know he is still OK.
With hubby and me it's just the opposite. He has handwritten a couple hundred letters( which i have kept) and i have sent about 1/4 that many, but I have sent him an email daily, sometimes 2 or 3 telling him about the day or whatever was on my mind. Now, his letters may only be 50 words or less, but it made me feel good that he took the time to write, and I must say some of them brought the tears. I will always keep them… We were talking the other day and I told him that I have not thrown any of his letters out, he was amazed. He said "well, I threw the ones you sent away.." Didn't really bother me cause he is just that way. I gotta watch him cause if it isn't attached to something it goes in the trash, haha!!
He is just a few days away from leaving Irag and on his way back to Oklahoma and I sit her anxiously awaiting his return. I was teasing him the other day about how we would communicate when he got back home, send emails or write letters, cause that's what we've done the past year….it's gonna seem strange to be able to talk face to face ;-)
During the first deployment there were lots IMs and yes, I kept them all. They are saved in my Yahoo briefcase and I have also printed them out.
During the second deployment there were chunks of time with no communication, so I hauled out the IMs and emails from the first time. Very comforting. Also, during the second deployment and while he was on some short hops, there were PMs on a message board we both frequent. I printed those out too. Now just seeing the logo from the bulletin board brings a smile to my face.
I was always been drawn to Adams. He is my favorite President – no surprise for the girl from Boston! I remember how excited I was when the Massachusetts Historical Society started sharing some of them from their archives. Now they can all be searched and read online.
My favorite is
"I shall write as often as possible: but Conveyances will be very rare, I fear.
I am as I ever was and ever shall be Yours, Yours, Yours."
As fits our situation, Adams is also the Favorite Naval Consort's President.