I always seem to have the ridiculous luck that I turn up pregnant the day after my husband leaves. When he deployed last spring, I couldn't tell him I was pregnant until he called from Kuwait. I was in agony that I had to wait for him to call me. But this time around it's even stranger: I found out I was pregnant the day after my husband left for SERE school.
No communication for three weeks. Gah. What timing.
There's a deployment school of thought that says that we shouldn't tell our spouses anything that might stress them out them while they're gone. I guess I never really gave that too much thought because I have never had to make that choice. (When last spring's baby died, I had to tell him; there was no keeping that a secret.)
But last night I dreamt I ran into my husband on post. Not very likely
or realistic during SERE school, but OK. We stood there and talked for
a few moments before we had to say goodbye. And a voice in my head was
saying, "Tell him you're pregnant! Tell him!"
I didn't.
As I walked away from him, I had the urge to turn around and blurt
the news to him. It would be so easy, to just tell him. But I held
myself back for two very practical reasons: 1) he needs to focus on
SERE and not be distracted and 2) I am not at all confident that the
pregnancy will last and I hate to get his hopes up.
I realized when I woke up that as agonizing as it's been to know about this baby for weeks without being able to tell him, and as many conflicting signs and side effects I've had that indicate that things might not be going well, I still wouldn't share that burden with my husband right now even if I could. He needs to focus on what he's doing.
I am capable of handling this agony alone while he handles his. We'll deal with them both together once he gets home.
*****
When I had to decide what category to file this blog post under, I chose "Day In the Life of a Milspouse" because this is just a part of what we do every day. We deal with things — not being able to tell your husband you're pregnant for three weeks! — that civilian spouses would never have to do. But we just do it, because it's our life.
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I know exactly what you mean, i had to wait till I was 6wks to tell DH then, just to tell him 3wks later that we miscarried. I hope it all works out for you, good luck.
Sarah- I am praying for you!! Does he have computer access? Will he read this post?
ARW: Nope, no contact with the outside world during SERE, so there's no fear of him finding out here.
Sarah – this is no comparison, but just thought I would share a SERE story with you. Mark's grandmother died when he was about halfway through SERE (this was many years ago – 1996 I think). He wasn't especially close to her, but we had agreed during previous deployments that I would notify him if either of our parents or his grandparents died. So I called out to SERE school and at first they said they would not tell him. After I insisted, they promised to have him call me. But instead a chaplain told him his grandmother had died. Her funeral was going to be before he graduated and it was important to me he have the choice to attend if he wanted. He stayed at the school. I stand by my decision to notify him, but I think Mark would have rather not known.
I will keep good thoughts for you and your baby.
Jan — A death and funeral would be something that I might have to try to contact him for as well. When my husband's grandfather died, his parents called their Congressman and had my husband retrieved from Advanced Camp. He got a big chewing out there, but they gave him two days to go. I think he too might've rather not been contacted.
Several years ago, I discovered a lump in my breast while dh was deployed. My mother had breast cancer in her 30s–and I was in my 30s–so I was absolutely terrified. When hubby called, I told him about it…and I can't say that I'm sorry I did, even though he told me later on that he'd wished I hadn't. I had a lumpectomy the following week and drove myself home from surgery (my only friend with transportation that day had a desperately ill 3-year-old, so I told her–and the doctor–I had a ride). The good news was that the tumor was self-contained and I didn't have to go through chemo or radiation.
That same milspouse friend just went through an agonizing ovarian cancer scare this past month while her hubby is in Iraq. He was on the road for three weeks and inaccessible by phone or e-mail, while she was hurried through ultrasounds and MRI's…and eventually, into surgery to remove her ovary. The tumor ended up being benign, and by the time she told him what was up, she could give him the good news that all was well.
I realize that these kinds of experiences are just part and parcel of being a military spouse, but these are also life-altering, significant experiences; they mark the turning points in our lives. It's horrible to go through them alone, but I wonder if the cost isn't even greater than that: what are we losing by not being able to share those experiences with our partners, by not being able to grow and become wiser together as a result of living through them together?
Through these experiences, my friend and I have both developed a strong appreciation for life itself, and we encourage one another to live each day fully and with joy. It makes me sad that her husband will never really be able to gain that same perspective or wisdom from this particular experience because he wasn't here to share it.
And Sarah: fingers crossed for you, and lots of good karma sent your way–I hope everything turns out well!
I'm thinking about you and keeping my fingers crossed for you, Sarah.
You've been in my prayers from day 1.
I don't usually tell my husband what is going on until the situation has been resolved, unless I need his input. I would much rather he remain focused on his job and on staying as safe as possible rather than worry about whatever I'm dealing with back home.
It seems to work well for us.
Sarah, I pray that this is your time. I know you and your husband have been waiting, hoping, and praying for too long now…
Good luck Sarah.
I think this comes under "need to know".
Can I handle it alone?
Will letting him know now be best for me or for him?
Stress or no stress, will he be upset to find out later, rather than now.
I have had three car accidents while my husband was gone. Usually the email starts.."everyone is fine, but…"
On the flip side..My daughter broke her wrist at school while I was gone helping my mother move. My husband didn't have the new number (before cell phones) and I didn't get the news until I called three days later. I was not happy.
I'll be thinking about you and I wish you the best Sarah!!