I went to my initial consult at the geneticist's office yesterday, and at one point the doctor said, "During your appointment with the genetics counselor, you will also talk about the risks of what you're doing while your husband is deployed."
What he didn't come right out and say was, "You do know that you could get pregnant with triplets and then your husband could get killed in war, right?"
My answer to that is that, yes, I am painfully aware of that possibility. But I think he has it exactly backwards. I think it's civilians who need to be counseled of these risks, not us.
We milspouses are acutely aware that our spouses have dangerous jobs. We are haunted by imaginary funeral plans, by what to tell our children, and by what the rest of our life will look like without him. We think about the danger they're in all the time. Of course I have already considered the possibility that he could die on this deployment. And that all this work to have a baby might come back to me in a serious twist of irony if anything happened to him.
Our spouses' jobs are dangerous all the time, even when they're not deployed. My husband recently returned from a training school where a SEAL was accidentally killed last year. (Imagine my horror when my husband left and I googled the school, only to find that article!) Pilots are in danger when they fly for training on normal days. Our troops die in garrison too. We know this and we are prepared for it. I, for one, sometimes wish I were less aware of it and could live in blissful ignorance.
So I don't think I need the counseling. I think the civilian couple who does IVF needs to be reminded that wife could get pregnant with triplets and husband could get hit by a bus. They're the ones who aren't prepared every day for disaster to strike. They're the ones who don't have family care plans and wills and imaginary substitute husbands picked out.
Come to think of it, my own husband might benefit from this counseling too. I am sure he's not prepared to have triplets and then lose me. Remember this?
how our husbands absolutely do not plan our deaths. When my husband
and I went to purchase additional life insurance, he initially said
that we didn't need any on me because my life is not dangerous. He
cannot even conceive of losing me, and I am certain he never thinks
about it or plans for it or arranges himself a second marriage. I
wrote about this a year ago, about how I wanted him to help shoulder the burden
while he was deployed, that I worried about him constantly but he never
worried about me. It wore on me, constantly thinking that he might
die, and it kind of hurt my feelings that he never lies in bed at night
and cries because his mind starts to play through scenes from my
funeral.
So really, I think I'm the last person who needs counseling on how fragile my life and happiness is. I remind myself of it far too often for comfort already.
Go counsel someone else who has never heard of anticipatory grief…
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You've hit it dead on, Sarah. I'm sure there is some sort of healthy balance, where we don't worry quite so much and civilians are a little more prepared, but I don't think that it will ever actually happen.
I know as many widows & widowers in the civilian world than in the military world, and most of my world is military.
Maybe your doctor will read this post?
You're so right, Sarah.
Perspective.
I couldn't have said it better myself! And from someone who has been through 5 surgeries to get pregnant with my boys, I heard the same thing from people when I was going through all that, and you said exactly what I was thinking!!! Two boys and several deployments later, we are still "always prepared"! Best Wishes to You!
I had related thoughts when I attended my first pre-deployment briefing last week. (I've been through one deployment as a girlfriend but this is my first as a spouse.) I understand why they focused so much attention on getting POAs so I can handle business for my husband while he is gone. But how come no one mentioned that I might need a medical POA for me? What if I get hit by a bus? Who will make my medical decisions when they can't reach my husband on his ship? The Navy assumes, just like my spouse, that I'll be just fine. Seems a little presumptuous to me.
Yes, I totally agree with all of this plus the comments so far. I think one of the benefits of being a military spouse is that I am FORCED to think about these things, to have some sort of plan if something happens. I might not even have thought about it (at least not in this much detail) if my husband were not in the military.
omg sarah, i laughed so hard when you mentioned how our husbands don't imagine our deaths. dark humor at its absolute best. thank you for your insight and eloquence.
I've been out of the loop and was just checking in with my old friends when I ran across this post. Even though my husband recently became a civilian again, we were just having this conversation a day or two ago. We were talking about how every family should be as prepared as military families have to be. So many civilians just cannot comprehend being prepared for the event that something might happen. and so many civilian families get left with confusion about a loved one's wishes when something does happen. In some strange way I'm grateful that my husband and I have been forced to consider the "what if" scenarios because we both know what the other would want and we both are prepared to take over the household should anything happen. I guess I feel that these conversations and preparations have not only prepared us both and given us piece of mind but have also brought us closer together.
i admire all of you spouses who deal with the military!! what you face daily is SO totally beyond me!!!
God bless you all, and your spouses who serve!!!