Air Force Guy has been back from deployment for about a week and a half now. So, on one hand – YAY! It’s been great to have him back – that worry you scrunch down to the bottom of your stomach? I feel strangely light now that it’s gone. That insomnia that was keeping me up until three or four in the morning? I’m usually asleep by 11 at the latest now. And – as all deployment veteran wives know, the *ahem* frustration level has dropped to nothing (although we still have months to make up for, and I do plan on making them up).
Life is good.
On the other hand…
Now, I don’t mean to complain here, and I hope everyone can take this in the vein that it is intended. But Holy Santa on Roller Skates! having another person in the house takes some getting used to! Just for starters, this morning I woke up ready to have at my Raisin Bran with almond milk… and the almond milk was gone! Frustrating. Totally.
Also, there is a distinct lack of electrical outlets in the bathroom now. I had forgotten how much shaving paraphernalia one man needs, and they have edged out my hair dryer in a focused and well planned flanking maneuver that took me completely by surprise. My bathroom electronics are relegated to underneath the sink now.
AFG and I do not agree on the best routes to take to get places. I like back roads, he is willing to risk the capricious whims of the DC area traffic on highways. And while my normal woman sized shoes do not take up too much room in the entryway, his supersized man shoes seem to stretch across the entire hallway and sneak up to trip me every time we go in or out of the door.
In short, even though the TV shows and newspaper coverage like to end their homecoming stories with that awesome first kiss on home soil, that is most certainly not the end of it of for us – we have reintegration. And it can be a doozy.
This is our umpteenth reintegration in Air Force Family, and by this point we’ve developed some rather finely tuned senses about how it will go. I don’t think this one will be too bad – we’ve got the regular adjustments to make, but nothing that will drag on or cause overly intense moments. Don’t get me wrong – we’ve been in that place, too, and on both sides.
When AFG returned from a rather intense 4 months of training, which he left for just a few months after returning from Iraq, I spent six months feeling like I was walking on eggshells. I was the odd person out – not in the military and not in the civilian world, either. Everyone was thanking AFG for his service, everyone wanted to take him out to dinner, and I was not a part of the “Buddy Club” that military members develop amongst themselves. In short – I was along for the ride and to take care of laundry. And I resented it tremendously. I felt that AFG deserved the attention he was getting without a doubt, he had been putting his life on the line. But I also kind of wished that people would see that I was not merely a passenger in the whole journey. I felt like no one noticed that AFG was able to put on his super suit and go save the world because I was willing to change my own life-plans to allow for holding down the home-front while AFG was gone. I kind of wished people had offered to take ME out to dinner while he was gone and I needed a serious break from kids and some adult conversation. I never said it, because I felt guilty for secretly wanting (but not really wanting, if you know what I mean) some attention and a back pat for what I was doing and giving up as well. And, I’ll be honest here, sometimes I was downright jealous that my part of the military family equation had as much inherent sexy coolness as a dose of Metamucil. And at the same time I felt guilty about feeling like that way, as well.
Air Force Family also had a reintegration that went the other direction – where the odd person out was the person who was returning, Air Force Guy. During one deployment his mother lost her mind. Literally. She full scale descended into dementia while AFG was in Afghanistan, and I spent the entire length of his deployment trying to move a crazy, angry, Russian woman with unbounded hatred for her daughter-in-law (me) into a care facility that could, and was willing to, care for her. There were lawyers, there were ombudsmen, there were social workers, and it all culminated in a a plane trip across the country with four children and a pit bull to move her (did I mention she bites?), clean out her house, and figure out what to do with it. All by myself, since AFG has no siblings and his mother is widowed. And let me add here that the elder care system in the United States is not set up to deal with issues that arise with elderly family members while service-members are deployed.
I was not in a good place when AFG came home, and this time he was the one who felt like walking on eggshells for six months.
That homecoming kiss definitely does not mean happily ever after.
It does mean, though, that we can finally move on to start ever after. And that is something.
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Oh my…I'm so glad you guys blog about your experiences. Based on what I went through with my husband when we first married I'm expecting to have a hard time with adjusting to his return. I have this sneaking suspicion that he's going to leave for months on end shortly afterwards too.
I'm looking forward to having him home. Not looking forward to having him in the way. You know what I mean, like tripping over his GIANT shoes. It's not fun. More than anything I'm terrified that he's going away for longer than 4 months the next time.
I'm afraid I won't handle any of it well. Right now I want to concentrate on getting him home and adjusting as quickly as possible, but how do you do that? Like is that even something you can prepare for or do you just let it happen and deal with things as they occur? I was thinking I could empty out the closet in the spare room, box everything up in it and let him have that corner of the house to store his stuff. Would that be a good place to start?
Maharet – I'm the wrong person to talk about where stuff goes when they get home. Right now my basement could be featured on an episode of Hoarders.
Stories of Hoarders: The Geardo
Everyone is different in how they do their adjustments, and every homecoming is different. We take a quick vacation at the very beginning, and that seems to smooth things over for us. It starts us all off on the same "just got home" foot, and lets him adjust to us away from the pressures of home for a couple days.
That's not the best for everyone, though. Sometimes we just have to keep putting one foot in front of another until we end up (eventually) where we need to be.
And I can promise you that the anticipation can sometimes be worse than the actual problems. It was for me this time – I was a wreck the week before AFG got home!
I have popped in and read your blog off and on over the last year and a half, ever since I found you right before my own AFG went on his first deployment last summer. And it never fails, every post I read strikes a nerve that knows EXACTLY what you're talking about. I know there are lots of other spouses out there that go through all this, but it's so nice to hear (read?) someone put everything you think/feel into words. The man just left for another 6 in the desert, after only being home for 6 months since the last trip. So I definitely know where you're coming from with the feeling like your part in all of it was overlooked. I'm an AF vet myself, so sometimes I want to just yell at people, "*I* know how it is. *I* was there once, too. And *I* haven't gotten to sleep in for 6 months. *I* haven't gotten any days off in I don't know how long." But, we can't. We're not supposed to. We're just supposed to be happy and proud. Well, I'm happy and proud. But sometimes that other stuff is there too. :P Thank you so much for voicing those thoughts. There are others out here who have them too. And you saying them makes some of the guilt go away. :)
Who did the biting – the dog or the MIL? Could be either, it seems!
Reintegration. Sigh. I'm not sure what's worse. The initial deployment the notification of the official deployment or reintegration. Or the potential to PCS not even a month after reintegration.
We do the trip thing when he gets home as well..I agree puts us on all even ground. But then it'd be nice if the support team could go away for a week by themselves and leave the hounds to duke it out. But that wouldn't be fair would it.
Oh and my goal in the next 6 weeks is to pack up everything in this house so when he disembarks with his gear the house waiting for the disaster to strike. Then he has to pack it all up. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.
Reintegration. Sigh. Bring on the honeymoon phase.
Really? How the heck did you get inside my head??? Seriously!!! And oh, how I wish I'd known you before now. I live in the DC area. I work for two elder care attorneys. I would have taken you out to dinner just to say thank you! I would happily given you that pat on the back! Because I get it! ArmyMan returned from 15 months in Astan in November. Took us until April to finally adjust to each other again. Do you ever think about what you don't miss when DH is gone? Like the farting? The burping? The mess in the bathroom? The snoring? The falling asleep in the "big chair" night after night. The mountains of extra laundry? The extra dishes? The endless watching of the military channel and TV remote hogging? I don't miss any of this while he's gone. But we aren't supposed to tell anyone that we don't miss these things! We aren't supposed to tell anyone that when he comes home, it is really hard to adjust to all this stuff again. We're just supposed to be "SO HAPPY" that he's home. And I am. I really, really am. 15 months was too long. But thank you for saying what we aren't supposed to say. Thank you for understanding — that sometimes it's simply HARD when they come back.
I am so glad I found this post tonight. I have had such an awful day and for so many of the reasons you mentioned above. My husband (Army Guy)is on his ("our") first deployment and it has been almost 10 months so far and he is due to come home in Nov and I am struggling with so many damn emotions. I could totally cry at any given moment and I should be so excited that he is coming home soon. Then I get mad at myself for feeling all these crazy emotions because I am just supposed to be happy. My husband is deployed with a unit that is in Kansas and I live in NY (because he was and IRR) so the support has not been great for me and it has been extremely difficult with this being his first deployment. I don't really have anyone to talk to that is going thru the same situation. Don't get me wrong my friends and family have been wonderful…God Love them for all they have helped me with, but sometimes it's hard because they just don't "really" know what I feel. It's nice to hear some stories you all have posted because as a few of you have mentioned this does help to ease some of the guilt. I am so back and forth with my feelings…I am so excited that he is finally coming home and we can get on with our lives, then on the other hand I am worried about readjusting and wondering if things are going to be ok for us. It really is a battle with yourself because I know I really want my husband home and then I feel so guilty feeling like it's going to be difficult having him home. And truly no one understands this if they are not living thru it so thank you all for posting your feelings so openly. It has truly helped me feel like what I am going thru is normal and that I am not alone or crazy. So many people are saying to me…"you must be so excited that your husband is coming home" and I am but how do you say "I am excited but not sure how I am going to handle it" they would look at you like you are the worst wife in the world. So thanks again for listening and sharing your similar feelings. Good luck to all of you!
AFW, when I was a kid and my dad was in the Navy I never understood my mom's freakouts that always started the week before dad came home from a long deployment. Now, as an adult with a younger brother in the Army, I understand it. If I were in the DC area I'd totally go out to give you a break and some adult conversation!
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences here.
Hit it right on the dot! :-) Going through it right NOW!
I am so glad to hear that I'm not the only one with the same thoughts! I'm restless and anxious as my AFG is returning TOMORROW…. And I've asked myself several times… "NOW WHAT"?
Shut up and quit whining. Hes home safe. Get your own place it you dont like living with him.
How wonderful and fortunate for sf wife to never have experienced adverse and unexpected feelings during reintegration. I'm glad everything has always been rainbows and unicorns and fluffy white kittens for her.
However, it's kind of sad that she can't simply respect someone for being willing to be vulnerable and admit to feelings anybody who's experienced a post-deployment reintegration probably feels guilty about.
I sympathize with all of your feelings. I think I am guilty of the rainbows, unicorns, and fluffy white kittens mostly…but I do understand that each deployment will be different. My hubby has only deployed once so far. I would say my reintegration process was more of a trust issue. I went through the emotional rollar coaster of ups and downs while waiting for my husband to return. When he finally did, I had to let myself stop being strong. I had to trust that he was home and safe. I guess you could say that I didn't know how to stop worrying about him. That little switch that says he is not deployed refused to turn off and let me relax. My brain kept sending thoughts and worries that he would just turn around and leave for something else soon.
As for the boots in the way and clutter everywhere, I really did miss it. I may not like stubbing my toe on his clunky boots, but I do grin at the reminder that he is home and all mine. His history/military channels put me to sleep, but I fall alseep in his arms. He invades my kitchen and leaves a mess everywhere, but I spent far too many months cleaning for one.
I have been pretty lucky as far as support. My husband's deployed unit didn't have a very active FRG or returnning program. He was mostly all mine when he got home. We pat each other on the back. Don't get me wrong, I know what you are saying though. We have a new deployment coming up and I may be smelling new roses this time around. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you! I felt so guilty for feeling this way after being apart for a 15 month deployment and then not having command sponsorship and living apart while he was in Germany and I was in the states. It was like trying to learn how to live together all over again! I had gotten so used to being alone that having another person in the house was so foreign. I had such anxiety for weeks before he PCSd back to the states. As much as I was excited for him to be coming home and for us to be together again, I was scared to death and questioning whether we'd make it without killing each other. We PCSd and fell into our old groove right away after the move. So thankful that it was as if we were never a part, but the fear was always in the back of my mind! Thanks for this blog! It's nice to know that I am not the only one to have these anxieties after deployments!
I am glad to read your post and the others that have wrote to you. I am a 19 year AF wife and it has never been worse than it is at this time. When desert storm was here, my husband deployed and I was TOTALY alone – no support at all – but I had my job, home and children. Now this time he got deployed to IRAQ and still no support, not even a call from any of his co-workers or any base support. There was no reintegration either time, even though I was told by my co-workers that when their Army spouse came back their family got one month at a resort with family couciling and such. I have or had all the feeling you speak of and just keep them to myself for fear of those "sf wife"'s out there that are so tuff. Well, this time I don't know if we will make it, they sent him back and then up rooted us right afterwards to germany. There went my awesome job and what little support I had, my career, my home, my schooling and I am hating it here so "BAD". There is no housing, we have to live off base, our neighbors don't talk to us, the ones on base don't befriend you because they are so busy with their own lives. I have not seen a job posting in my career since we have been here. So I have volunteered for everything I can, everything. I am so sick of giving and giving but yet my husband is the one getting all the pats on the back, the conversations, the "are you OK's". I just say the hell with it and have given up. So, I just go about very quitely and mined my own business – but I don't know how long this will last. I cry alot when I am by myself, about the feelings I have, and yes also for the guilt I feel for having these feelings, like you said, sometimes the guilt alone is so bad. I am glad to read your post mainly because I feel that I can stop beating myself up for feeling guilty. At least until we argue again. Thank You for helping me, I don't feel so ALONE.
I am sorry airforcewife that you had to deal with putting your mother in law i nto a care facility, I Know it is very hard that transition as you go through so many emotions, I work with the elderly in their homes and let you know I understand what you were going through it is so hard on the familys, but once you go through it it is all done and finished the only part is for you all to continue to visit her , yes I totally agree with you that the elderly need more attention in the states , I found out that in washington seattle that there is no home support care for seniors in their homes, that is very sad , I Live in vancouver bc and we have home support for our elderly so maybe this is a good point to raise the issue to your govenment who is in charge in your area , love your post
Yet another great entry to share on our Facebook page. Thank you.