I came across an interesting discussion on a forum earlier this week and read through the responses with great interest. The question which began the discussion was, “Do you consider a military spouse someone who has served this country?” What a great question, I thought. While spouses don’t have an official role; they don’t wear uniforms and they certainly don’t wear rank, I think they do serve. I know I’ve been guilty of saying that “spouses serve, too” on occasion. But what I meant, and what I believe others mean when they say this, is that we serve in an unofficial, unrecognized, supportive capacity.
I found myself agreeing (in part) with the commenters who stated that we sacrifice, we don’t serve. I say “in part” because although it’s true that we sacrifice, that term means that we’re giving up something. And we are. We do. But with all that we give up, (perhaps the most precious of all is the months and years we spend without our significant other. Time we will never get back), I think we get a lot, too. I am biased, I admit, but here is the single best article I’ve ever read about military spouses and sacrifice.
The spouses keep so many things on a military installation running efficiently and effectively. We are, after all, chronic volunteers. Furthermore, in a post 9/11 world, the military recognizes the importance of keeping mama (or daddy) happy. As Mrs. Casey, wife of General Casey told us, it’s absolutely a readiness issue.
I’ve never been to a promotion ceremony of a married service member in which he didn’t stress the vital role his spouse has played over the years. And while we don’t sit around expecting praise and thanks, I think most everyone is aware of the positive affect spouses have not only on the family unit, but on the greater military community.
So what do you think – do you serve? If you answer yes to that question, what does “serving” mean to you?
About Andi
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What struck me most about that forum was that people seemed to be working off the definition that serving your country equals serving in the military, period. I don't buy that. Teachers, cops, firemen, civilian govt employees, etc. are all serving their country in some way. I guess my definition of serving your country is sacrificing (whether that's your personal safety, comfort, or just accepting less pay than you'd make in the private sector) for the better of your country. And in that sense, I would have to say that I am serving my country — by re-evaluating my career plan to move around with my husband, by letting the Navy take my husband every time they need him, by keeping my husband's mind at ease that everything is ok at home even though he's gone. There's more than one way to serve your country. I don't serve in the same way that my husband does of course, but I'm still helping my country.
I saw that discussion when it first went up and was slightly appalled at how many people flat out said spouses don't serve. I may have been more appalled at how they said it so very matter-of-fact and with no ifs, ands, or buts. It may be that I'm still a new military wife, but I truly believe spouses serve their country, too. They/we are just behind the scenes, sacrificing things and taking care of matters on the home front. It's just a different kind of serving. Granted, I would never ever go around saying that I serve in the military, but in a way I think I do serve our country by being here for my husband, our home, and his job.
I think of it as direct service vs. indirect service. My husband took the oath, wears the uniform, carries the M16, wakes up at 5am every morning and serves his country in a direct way. I'm his #1 morale booster. I keep that Marine as happy and healthy as I possibly can, because on top of being my husband and the love of my life, he is also a weapon, and weapons need care. A military spouse is the rubber band that bends, stretches and holds things together because they're the only one that has the ability to be flexible in any capacity, and flexibility is required to keep a marriage strong.
For these reasons I do believe spouses serve. If you are a supportive spouse of a military member, you are by extension serving your country.
But wouldn't you do all of those things even if he weren't in the military??
I think the difference between the roles of a civilian wife and a military wife (this is just my own opinion) is that taking care of a military husband requires more conscious effort.
Yes, I would absolutely without a doubt do all those things even if he weren't in the military, but at least for my part, I believe it takes a lot more effort to keep their head in the game as well as all the other roles you know we need to task ourselves with.
Through this I hear military persons saying that you serve a more important role than any civilian. I find that insulting and disrespectful. I get up at 5am, so what? I provide jobs to people and allow them to support their families. I really have grown tired of the entitlement some military people act with. I thought the military taught people respect and helped them grow as men and women. Yet I see on a daily basis these people serving showing total disrespect for civilians because somehow they feel they are more important. We are all on the same side and there in lies part of the problem with the great "United" States, its military or those who "serve" versus those who possibly couldn't serve for whatever reason or just simply chose a different path. This country will continue to fall apart as long as we all segregate ourselves based on issues like this. Don't forget civilians support the military through donations and volunteering which can be just as vital for the survival of bases considering many bases fight each year to remain open to lack of funds. Every person is as important as the next to this country and we all need to stop being so selfish and acting like we are the only one's that deal with life issues. If you're a military spouse you were aware of what you were accepting when getting into that relationship, just as a cops or firemans spouse was aware of when they got involved. As far as flexibility in a marriage, what marriage doesn't require that? It's the only way any marriage will be lasting. We all serve this country in some capacity!
I think we do serve. We are our men's back bone….and we do serve as you said in a unoffical, unrecognized way.
I didn't see the forum, but from what you all have said I am disgusted. Besides being my husband's biggest fan and personal secretary, I handle pay issues, health care issues, family issues of his soliders, not to mention the mentoring and development of other wives. The only difference between me and the people on his staff is that the Army pays them an actual salary. I can not remember the number of times I have gotten a call fo my husband while he is deployed that goes something like "so and so's wife is having problems at home and it is causing said solider issues in country, go fix her." I won't even get into the fact that my career has been put on hold/died because of all the demands the miltiary places on our familiy. People who say we don't serve too haven't lived the life that we live.
Well said, Heather! :)
I've been a military spouse for 14 years, two of those 14, I've served actively myself. We've had 7 deployments (one of which my husband had a heart attack and was flown to Wounded Warriors) and we are getting ready for deployment #8. We have 3 children together, one of which is EFM. I disagree. I would be doing the same things I do now regardless if he was in the military or not. Supporting my husband, being his backbone, his best cheerleader, taking care of the kids, the families of his coworkers, paying the bills, volunteering, placing my family ahead of my professional needs/desires…ALL things I would do regardless of profession.
I think that we DO serve. Would our Soldiers be as focused on their mission if we weren't back here helping each other handle problems? Would our installations function as smoothly if we weren't involved? Would some of our civilian Family members and friends even REMEMBER that we have Soldiers in combat zones if we didn't post it daily (especially when our Soldier is home)? C'mon! We serve. And not only do we serve our country, we serve and develop our community. I don't put on a uniform. I don't go to PT. I don't deploy. But I serve. I don't get a paycheck from DFAS (in fact, I'm not even getting "warm fuzzies" right now…back pay would be nice). But I serve, just the same.
No you do not serve, you support. If you served, which this is in the military sense which is what the article is about, you would be wearing the uniform and then also dealing with a family. A lot of women of the military deal with all you deal with PLUS serving in the military. You are in a support position only. The only thing you can say you serve is the community NOT the military. I am sorry you are getting the brunt of my frustration and anger but your comment about back pay through me over the edge…I mean really? Oh and in case you are wondering I was a women in the military with a family and husband and dealt with all the charities and community function while wearing boots to work (with the wonderful "and" being sent over seas.)
so, what do you call support personnel who wear the uniform? If spouses don't serve neither do they. Just like support battlions in the military we are involved in a supportive role on the front lines. A personal relationship is essential when caring for a soldiers morale.
And many spouses do serve in a more traditional sense, too…as leadership within the FRG, as USO and Soldier's Angels volunteers, etc., etc. So saying that spouses DON'T serve is kind of ridiculous. Personally, I don't really consider myself to be "serving my country" by simply being married to my husband, but by participating in the FRG, helping out other spouses, and making sacrifices for the benefit of my family and my country, yes, I am "serving" in some sense, though as others have said, in an unofficial, background kind of capacity, rather than on the front lines.
Leofwende! Have missed you. Great to see you pop up here. Hope all is well with you…
Yes spouses do have an official role. They may behind the scenes, sacrificing things and taking care of matters on the home front. They are the number one morale booster for the serving member whether male or female. They run the FRG, USO, Soldiers Angels Volunters. Fightin their own Battles with Champus, Tricare, Schools, Landlords the list could go on forever. I'm Retired Military of 23 years service, if it had not been for the love and support of my Spouse and all that she did and still continues to do it would have been a rough road to travel. These Military Spouses need to be Thanked & Appreciated for all they do. God Bless Our Troops & Spouses._
if the term serving your country exstened to the spouse…then what do u call the spouse who divorces their other while he is serving his country?
what is your point in this? you can't know what any other couple's relationship is. It doesn't have a place in this discussion.
I disagree. It has plenty of room in this discussion. The point of it being stress. When soldiers quit it is either called AWOL or they don't re-enlist. When a spouse gives up it is called a divorce.
The forum is about SERVICE to country not marital relationship issues. I agree with Ms. Ten Eyck, Your comment doesn't relate to the topic. We are not discussing about the consequences of serving one's country. If you so desire, open up a separate forum for the results of divorce in the military.
Dear John, or Jane.
If the military member is away while the spouse leaves, that spouse is called a deserter!
This is the first time I have been on here, and Andi, I thank-you for the wonderful article about military spouses and their sacrifice. :) After nearly 16 years of military service, my husband just re-enlisted for another 4 years today in the United States Navy. It is sad to me that people think that spouses don't serve along with their service member. Really what that tells me is how very little they truly understand about the military. In my years of experience as a Navy wife, I have not only been a morale booster for my husband, but for others as well. Being a military spouse is a full time job within itself, we are the glue– the rock of the family. We keep things going–pay the bills, taxi our children, cook Thanksgiving dinner in September to celebrate before he deploys, cheer extra loud at the game because Daddy can't be there, volunteer at school, Brownies, coaching soccer, teaching Sunday School, bake thousands of cookies for my husband to share w/ his shipmates, pray each day for his safety wherever he is in the world, have him leave messages on our answering machine so we can remember what his voice sounds like, make paper chains to count off the days 'til Daddy comes home again…
Welcome to SpouseBUZZ, Charity! Glad you found us. I would love to take credit for the article about sacrifice, but it wasn't me who wrote it. One of our contributors, airforcewife, wrote it. I'm just biased because it was one of our own who wrote such a beautiful piece. :)
(Continued) I have coached a young Navy wife through the birth of their first child, and actually tried to explain to my little girl why Santa couldn't bring Daddy home for Christmas. So the critics who say I do not serve, technically might be correct. I do not wear digital camo, but I am, WE ARE ladies, the heart & soul of every mission, deployment & humanitarian effort here & abroad. We play a pivotal role in supporting our husbands/fiances, and we do it w/out fanfare, expecting monetary payment, but as an expression of love to our men and devotion to our country! You rock ladies, keep up the excellent work! :)
Let's not forget the men that many wive's call when they need something fixed at the house. I often find that I have a waiting list of wives needing the toilet fixed, garage repaired, furniture moved, etc. on top of taking care of my children, job, and other things that either my wife r I would do whenever she isn't deployed. Her deployments mean I have to do it all, or else.
My husband did over 25 years in the Corps in a combat role, and yes, I would like to think that Marine spouses help serve our country, albeit without the same degree of physical danger. Spouses of firefighters and other similar professions no doubt worry about their husbands/wives, but most of them don't go through childbirth, funerals, and other important family events when you long for the comfort of your spouse and know that he is needed more far away. I can remember crying myself to sleep when I would see a news headline about Marines killed in the area where my husband was serving currently, knowing that if not me…it would be some other Marine wife getting bad news. Marine spouses know our role going into the marriage but I can tell you that there is never a moment that we do not worry ourselves about answering the door to a chaplain in the middle of the night. The Marine Corps is a wonderful support system of such a small family (we number only about 300,000, I think, in active duty/reserve Marines) and that makes all the difference. I know my husband and our Corps appreciates us so that is really all that matters, even if civilians don't have a clue.
When a couple announces "We're pregnant!" does that mean the husband will not be as great a parent as the mother since he didn't physically carry the baby in the womb? They both play different roles, but both will be 'parenting'. Military spouses serve through self-sacrifice. Whether that's through giving up a career, income, _____ (pick a passion, job, holiday, birthday, dream and insert). Most folks can't fully comprehend what spouses take on in times of war, ordeals they have to endure & overcome, or the struggles to maintain sanity from the fear. My husband is currently serving his 9th deployment. So, yes, my service to this country has come into play via self-sacrificing even a fighting chance to start our own family over the years. Other Americans are living the American dream; raising their families in a free country, worshiping freely on Sundays without fear of terror and live out the simplistic routines of everyday that we only wish. If I sound negative, that's not the intention at all. I am proud…want to get across that unless you can walk in our shoes during deployment, your opinion means nothing to me.
No. Or at least not directly.
Put on our shoes. I once served, and now'm a spouse. I'm also male the husband.
As the spouse of a Reserve officer (currently deployed)/ corporate business leader, I would like to comment on this from the cilivian as well as the military side. I, too, have compromised my career and moved around the country for him (in his _civilian_ job), been his greatest cheerleader, kept the household running during all of his absences (both military and civilian), been to more corporate and military functions than I care to remember, etc. Yes, I serve, but I am serving our family.
I feel a rant coming on… I think that, typically, the wife/mother is the glue that holds together and keeps any household running effectively. Over and above that, my husband doesn't know what meds my kids are on, doesn't handle school issues, doesn't keep the grocery list, doesn't take care of his soldiers' spouses and families while he's home, let alone while he's gone. He doesn't track appointments, meals, or juggle computer/appliance repairs with UPS deliveries that require a signature. He doesn't make excuses to the neighbors why the yard isn't as kept as it should be, or jump into action when a soldier's kids from his exwife are suddenly thrust in the soldier's lap and his family needs clothing, a bed, and bedding, among other things.
In addition to being an Army spouse, I have worn the uniform, and am retired, and I can tell anyone, in no uncertain terms, that being the spouse is much more challenging than being the one in uniform.
I believe that us military wives do serve bc we sacrifice our men time and energy to serve our country and to others.
Being a woman who served in the Army, sent over seas, dealt with the brutality that can be the military and then becoming a military wife because of an injury that no longer allowed me to serve,,,a military wife in NO way serves the military. Those who believe they serve because they are JUST married to a service member are anything but right in the mind. The emotional impact that a soldier, or any other service member, is much greater than that of a spouse left back in the states safe and around family. I read these post and are just sicken by how selfish these people are. YOU AS A MILITARY SPOUSE SHOULD SUPPORT INSTEAD OF HINDER, CRY, BE SELF ABSORBED LITTLE TWEENS!!! This is nuts. It was easy being a military wife. It was much harder ACTUALLY SERVING! I am enraged. Military wifes can only say they have supported their spouses and nothing else…you haven't earned anything except the love of your service member if you aren't the military spouse that complained consistently. Oh I know there are going to be all kinds of hateful posts to my comments, and you know what go ahead and post against me. At least at night I can sleep easy knowing that I ACTUALLY served my country, Gave my Health to my County, and supported my Husband while he finished his service WITHOUT being a hindrance to him.
I'm a man who has served. Marine Infantry to be specific. I can no longer serve due to injury. We have or service in common. However, I disagree that being the role of a spouse is not serving. I actually find it more difficult to be a military spouse than being in the military. My wife in an RN in the Navy Nurse Corps. Most Navy personnel stay in one area for several years. Nurse Corps personnel relocate every 3 years. Try having a career with that. Try taking care of children. I find it very difficult to be a military spouse. My sacrifices are not made because f a career move I made, but because of the love and suppor and I have for my wife. That's no different than a soldier loving their country. To make things a little more strenuous, the Geneva Convention has declared that service members in my wife's line of work are non-combatant. Yet, she still gets shot at when near acombat zone. Recently, the Navy has been using Nurses, who are commissioned officers, to do the role of a corpsman on the front line. Nurses do not go through gun quals unless they take it upon themselves to seek it out. Gun quals are not a job qualification for them.
I agree with you 100%. I am also former military. And though my duties are completely different and we've gone through 7 deployments together in our 13.5 years of marriage, I feel like all of the wifely/motherly/household duties I do, I would be doing as a civilian wife. I don't have family or friends in the area. I don't have a babysitter on call if I feel like I need 30 minutes of "mommy time" from my three kids. I have cried myself to sleep when my husband was in Wounded Warriors in Germany. I have had to tell ER nurses that, No, I don't have anyone to call to take care of my children when I had pneumonia. But, I'm no, I am not serving. I am simply doing what ANY loving, caring, wife and mom would do. End of story. The spouses that DO think they serve and they DO believe they deserve the world because of the sacrifices they CHOOSE to make, make me ill.
I wonder how many of the married Military your sorry self slept with while you served your country.
I 'm sure you were passed around just like the REST!
Thanks for the generalization of ALL active duty military females. I am a female veteran and I NEVER slept with a married man or "whore myself around," like you seem to think all females in the military do; I had more important things on my mind, like my job and finishing my degree. I served with dignity and honor. Now that I'm married to an active duty Marine, I see more "whores" in the spouse community, especially when a deployment comes up. It seems like you are just another paranoid, insecure military wife who is jealous, because these women decided to do something with their lives. If your husband cheated with a female military member, then it's just as much HIS fault as hers.
That is a nasty and disgusting comment. You should be ashamed.
You appear to be a lady with her head on straight and certainly an asset to her military spouse. God bless you and your kind of ladies, gals, women, etc. My older brothers' wife would call his C.O. and curse him for things he was doing that she disagreed with. She forced my brother out of the air force. Unfotunatley, he got rid of her. That left her in charge of the family, which was most unfortunate for their children. Two daughters married respectable men and are doing very well. Their boys have had lifetime problems — accomplishing next to nothing. And she appeared to assume if she had blank checks there was money in the bank. Writing HOT checks is a CAREER ENDER for military service members. Jim Cooper, Major, USA Retired.
wrong. wives are stationed everywhere the men are and help them do their jobs. just like support troops serve, so do wives. we take over parenting when the men are gone. you must not have children.
Yes you are right. I am a wife, my husband is active duty. Yes I support him and I support the community, but do I get removed from the home for long periods of time? No. Nor am I employed under his contract. Yes, I have to adapt my life around him and his duties, but thats part of being married and working as a couple, if he worked in corporate finance it would be the same. Serving the country as a soldier, marine, sailor does, is entirely different. Im not saying the support isnt necessary or unwanted, nor that sacrifices arnt made but frankly, 'support' and 'serving' are two different things Good for you saying what you feel , youve seen both sides of the fence and lived them. Incidently I am civilian flight crew, with my own career, and we work it between us for us.
Most women veterans from combat support MOSs can't stand the image of a base bunny who wears her boytoys uniform during weekend romps like a 50s post card pinup.I can see how some vets are upset, My friends and I definitely get annoyed that women try to wear their husbands rank, or try to enjoy through association the respect and honor of the service member through some kind of relationship based osmosis.We feel this is particularly insulting when other women are serving and fighting as hard as the men, because lets be honest , there are few male spouses their are aren't raising hell at the housing office and threatening MPs at the gate with "I am Mr/Mrs Col so and so."
P.S. I wont sign my full name because my military career plans are not over and I don't want some Cols wife whispering in ears to sabotage my future.
Dear Sam, I really think you can go the distance. Good luck and don't let any lame spose ruin your future. Sadly, their problem is they are a bunch of losers with nothing else to do but take advantage of their spouses career. When years pass, they will stay the same, but you, you will be at your best. Good luck!
Negative… DEPENDENTS do not serve. Not unless they went through MCRD, BCT, BMT, OCS OTS or any other recruit/basic training, they are civilians.
You forgot ODS (Officer Development School) – -The Navy's Knife & Fork School for officers who are given a commission before taking the oath. They're usually medical officers, chaplains, etc. If you went to OCS in Rhode Island you'd know all about them.
Just because dependents are considered civilians doesn't mean they do not serve. Service comes in many shapes and forms and it is not just in the military, anyone can serve their country don't you agree?! What do you call the dependents who volunteer their time and money for the betterment of their community?! what can you label that action, just plain volunteerism then. I do understand that active duty personnel have to go through intense training to enable them to perform well in their missions. Lucky you! The spouses do not undergo any form of training or schooling to become single parent. We don't get trained on tactics and strategies. No, military spouses are just thrown at any given situation and is expected to know what to do and say and submit. You are correct, dependents do not serve, we serve those who serve. Thank you!
So the government should train us to handle hard situations. No one wants to give their time for free, and those who make a difference deserve being recongnized. A hero earns his medal by doing something by heart, not because someone told them to do so. I don't understand why they say a spouse is not serving. If a soldier were single, who could listen to his problems? Who could understand and celebrate his success? We keep them sane!!!! If we weren't in the picture, the governmnet would have to pay a "civilian" for its services, in order to keep that sailor in shape. Why don't they pay us? Because we are not here for money, we are here for love.
First of all I am NOT a DEPENDENT (Mr. 1980's) I am a SPOUSE, and I deserve that respect. I have been through all kinds of training through the military, b/c of places we were going to be stationed. Not the same as my husband, but training the military thought I needed. No one trained me to be a single parent, and no one trained me to take care of other military wives and their families….but I do both. Yes, I knew what I was getting into when I married my husband, but it doesn't make it any easier when he is away. I have done things to help military all over this earth, b/c of where we were stationed. I have been in Germany when the wounded came in, and held hands with scared spouses, and helped take care of their children (who are also scared). Serving comes in all forms, and you are DAMN right I serve my country and husband proudly as a SPOUSE….
you must not be married.
I used to be enlisted in the Marines. Towards the end of contract I decided to not re-enlist. At about this time I metmy wife. A few years after we got mrried she decided to enter the Navy Nurse Corps as an RN. Her job, although she doesn't deploy much, still requires sacrifice on both of our parts. I actually find the job of being a military spouse more difficult than when i was Marine Infantry, especially now that we have children. Do spouses serve. Absolutely. Now, ifonly I could find a spouse group that is accepting of men occupying a role dominated by women.
Maybe you should start a group for men on your base. Speaking just for myself, we need more men involved in spouse groups when our spouses are deployed. You still need support, and our children could also benefit from seeing a strong male figure. We have a few men in my husbands unit that are spouses, and we always welcome them. We watch their kids, and they our kids (b/c as I said, we need strong male figures in our children's lives while our husbands are gone). We involve them in everything, and hope they don't feel like an outsider.
Hi C.Hendricks-you're right on. And it's coming, albeit slowly, since there are more and more men becoming spouses of service members. You post is eloquent and much needed as I feel the boiling- I am a retired soldier. And I am an active duty spouse whose husband is over 20 years. Yes, I am STILL serving, though the service is different.
FYI for some who don't know-the spouses of some officers and high ranking officials also have trainings they are REQUIRED to do because of the expectations placed on them because of their service member's job (such as spouses attending language school because the service member will be in a diplomatic position and the spouse is expected to entertain socially)… This situation is obvioius. It's no different than valuing how volunteers serve an agency like the humane society or the Salvation Army-their contribution has no less value because they aren't paid a salary.
Are you kidding me? You are a stay at home dad – big deal. Many single women do this all of the US without any financial or emotional support from anyone. Don't expect a cookie or praise.
I am a male Dependant of a medically retired Army soldier. She served with honor as a combat medic. She is permanently disabled and the victim of military sexual trauma. Her back was broken in the service of this nation, she will never be the same. She gave everything she had to the country just to serve. No male soldier will know the pain she endured in the service, no spouse like myself will have ever of suffered as she did. I am annoyed when military wives act like they earned their husbands rank and honor as well. I did not earn hers, (the Sarah Smiley's of our world need to just go AWAY.) I will always gladly rest in the shadow of her sacrifice, and I gladly do what I can to support her.
How can I compare to this? How can simply waiting and wondering compare to enduring and suffering? How can daily chores and errands compare to broken bones and haunting memories? How can my trivial daily tasks compare to the lives she has saved? I have the honor of being a husband to a great woman and that is enough. I don't need to steal her thunder to pretend I am special.
By saying you served is not a comparison to the difficult job your wife chose to do. As a male spouse of a military medical officer, I feel I can relate to you in some degree. I agree that the Sarah Smiley's have a serious entitlement problem. I see it every day. My wife, who is an ER nurse at the Navy's busiest ER is worn down by it daily. We don't get the rank, or the benefits, directly. And, I'm appauled at those who choose to throw their spouses rank around like it means something. However, we still sacrifice, and have an important role to maintain. If anything, I'm more in agreement with you than I am disagreement.
I am so sorry to hear of your wife's traumatic experiences. There are A LOT of military spousal support groups that do support men. There's an extrordinary number of men who are dependents. If you are interested, I can check with my neighbor and see what support groups he is a member of.
I understand what your wife might feel about not being the same. I had and accident 5 years ago and I have had many operations (and a few more to come). My scars are more cosmetic, but still everyone is different. I can only tell you that life is the most precious gift, and the second is love. It is tough, but you guys have each other, and that is what matters the most. All relationships have their ups and downs, but yours have proven that love conquers all. Most people would walk away because "he" or "she" is not the same anymore, but obviosly they were in love with the looks, not with the soul. You are a loving husband, period! God bless you guys!
I have been thanked many times over the years for supporting my husband while he is deployed. Civilians with no military ties thank me for serving. Retired military thank us civilian spouses for taking care of our soldiers. Many of us say that we don't sacrifice when we marry a soldier, but I have discussed the idea of being married to a soldier with many single women over the years, and the common thought is, I couldn't live without my family, spouse, and friends. Some of us marry someone who was serving before we met them, some of us marry then our spouse enlists. Either way there is a choice. I am a strong believer that there isn't just ONE person for every person, so no matter how we love the soldier we can choose not to date/marry them and be happy with someone else, maybe happier.
So if we are seen as serving our country by civilians, then aren't we? We uproot ourselves more often then the civilian population does. Many people never leave the area they grew up in. We leave our family and friends when we marry a soldier. Some of us may never make friends. There is no one to give us parents a break when we need one. If we decide to go back home while our spouse is deployed, we have to pack up our household not once, but two or three times. Moving in and of itself isn't the only stressor. We leave lucrative jobs, or take low-paying jobs that transfer easily. Some of us aren't able to get jobs, despite high levels of education, because our talents are not needed where we are stationed.
Women do often take most of the roles even when our husbands are here, but there is a big difference between being both mom and dad, and only mom. Why do you think Big Brothers and Big Sisters exists? Children need the influence of both sexes in their lives. Military spouses don't have the freedom to make friends with people of the opposite sex so they can be a role model in their children's lives. That's how affairs and divorce happen. A civilian single parent has more choices at their disposal than the military spouse who is alone raising children.
We sacrifice our time, and sometimes our sanity, to make sure our spouses are more comfortable, and don't have to worry. Single soldiers do just fine, they don't need support from outside people. They often get care packages from friends and family, but it is often the married soldiers who get the care packages with enough stuff to share with everyone. It is the Spouses who run the FRG's and other support groups. Hours and hours of volunteer time on top of the things we do for our soldiers. Being married to a soldier is much different than being married to a civilian. We sacrifice, which is what people who serve do.
Now that I have made the argument for us serving our country, I must address what we should say out loud. First of all, I would never say I serve my country by being married to a soldier. I did serve my country for four years in the Army. Being married to a soldier and staying behind is much harder than deploying. And I did deploy. When people thank me for my service I usually try to assure them that I'm not deserving of praise, and then they say "I couldn't do it." I usually end up saying that sometimes it is stressful, but it really isn't all that bad. I have never been a crier, so maybe it is easier for me to let my husband go. Honestly, being a single mom is much harder than not having my husband. If we didn't have a child, deployments would be quite easy. With all that I have said, I think it is quite acceptable to think that you serve your country, just don't ever say you serve your country to anyone who is a civilian. Feel free to take the thanks given to you for serving, but do it humbly and with humility. Feel free to be self-effacing.
Interesting – not even sure why anyone would argue semantics regarding whether we spouses are serving. Nope, we can walk away anytime, while our spouse is the one that signed on the dotted line. However, do we sacrifice? Do we do everything we can so that our spouse can accomplish the mission? Do we work as hard as we can? I sure hope so.
Any even more inane argument is to listen to surviving family members argue about $$ benefits based upon his/her spouse's service. That one death is more worthy of benefits than another. Dead is dead whether is is from a parachute malfunction at Ft Benning, a rollover in Iraq or a sniper's bullet. In the end we are just the family members. We are not in the arena.
I am not the one who pulled leeches off my legs, ate maggots when the zone was too hot for a rescue, and looked in the mirror and saw fragments scars on my face, or dodged bullets. I am the one who prayed for you, loved you and the one to whom they handed the flag when we buried you.
Thank you to all you serve. And thank you to all who stand by those who serve.
Served as a wife, yes. Served our country, I don't think so.
I’ve been on both sides also, as the Soldier and as the spouse of a soldier. I say generally yes.
By my wife giving me the support, it enabled me to be able to do my job. She provided a service to the country. Much as it was when the roles were reversed.
I’m not going to argue the point about the “base bunnies”. Heck I know of some soldiers who haven’t “served” their country. Went through basic, went through AIT, got to their unit and spent the rest of their time at sick call or on profile. I say all this to bring up the point that you can’t define something looking at the exceptions.
Thanks Stephen-I look back on 20 years of wearing the uniform, and remember soldiers who did less and complained more than many spouses…Army Strong isn't just for soldiers-it's for families too.
I serve my family foremost, and then I serve the military community. I try to make life just a little nicer for the soldiers in my husband's unit, and I volunteer for a lot of stuff on post, as well as off. I am active in the FRG. I am trying to be the best I can be. But do I serve comparable to my husband? No.
My husband was in the military before he met me, and he was as good a soldier then as he is now. The only difference is that he has someone waiting for him at home now, someone who looks out for him and takes care of him.
HOWEVER, I do appreciate when soldiers (!) tell me thanks for my support and help that I provide as a spouse. And my husband often thanks me, in private and in public, for all that I do for him, and yes, it makes me feel good and encourages me to keep doing what I do :)
I see the matter of semantics again. You definitely serve (The title is "Do military spouses serve?). No one (well, I'm not) comparing your service to your husband's service. That would be comparing apples to oranges, humane society volunteers to paid staff. No one disputes the fact that volunteer contributions are extremely valuable to the humane society, and that the humane society could not thrive as well if it were not for volunteers, though the tasks they perform often differ from those of paid staff. This is no different. Spouses' service can't be compared to that of the service member-apples and oranges-but it is service just the same. Ask the spouse who needs emergency help if the FRG spouses who race to her aid are serving-they are serving her and the larger military community. Do we invalidate military contribution to a country if we only gave humanitarian aid? Does it have less value because it's not necessarily a combat situation? No. Apples and oranges shouldn't be compared.
I was very upset to hear all the negative comments about military spouses (base bunny? really?) And I believe people are taking the term "serve our country" in relation to the military spouses too much to heart. No one said we were running around saying "I serve my country, now respect me!" It was more a discussion on sacrifices made by military spouses and if we feel they mean we serve our country in an honorable way by supporting our spouses. No one was trying to detract from wounded veterans by saying that we have given life or limb. I would say, however, that I while I have not given my life or limb for our country that I certainly have given my career, my sense of security, my friends/family, and sometimes my sanity! I would never say that I serve our country but I also wouldnt say I serve my husband either. I love my husband and he loves his job so I have rearranged my life to support him. I am a stay at home Mom of two kids in diapers with a B.A. I can't use cause there would be no one to watch the children while I was away since he gets deployed every 8 months to a year.
One deployment for every year of marriage (on our sixth as we speak) and he has often told me that he thinks that it is harder for the person that stays. He goes to a new location that has a new routine and can immerse himself in 12 hour shifts six days a week and meet up with old friends. While it is not a walk in the park by any means (I cannot begin to imagine how much he misses the kids), and his job is not combat related, I just appriciate that he acknowledges the difficulties I face as well. Which I think was more the point of the question. Its not who does more by what you do its a totally different kind of sacrifice and/or stress. We always say "I couldn't do what you do" and the reponse is always "Neither could I". And I would like to add that the comment about not signing on the dotted line and that spouses can walk away is not fair. Any spouse worth their salt would not walk away and moves to another country with their children in tow because that is what you do when you love someone.
So eloquent Leya. Thank you. Like I said earlier, apples and oranges. No one (well, maybe those who do try to wear their service members rank do-I've encountered a few of those since 1986!) typically acts like they do what their service member does. But, apples and oranges. The spouse's contribution has no less value.
I think there ARE some spouses who serve and I think there are some military spouses that are just military spouses. Just being married to a service member doesn't mean you serve any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. There are some who cry and complain about how tough their lot in life is, they show up to functions because they have to, and they really only married the service member because of the idea of being a military spouse seemed romantic. Then there are others who pack their husbands go bag, take care of his packing list, bring lunch in for his team, check-in on the families of deployed soldiers, show up AND help at FRG functions, support other spouses, volunteer on post, AND do it willing with a smile on their face. THAT is a spouse who serves. We don't do it for any kind of special recognition and I would never have the audacity to say I'm Mrs. Sergeant Major _______. That honor was bestowed on my husband and it is not for the taking. However, my husband will freely admit that he could not have done what he has had it not been for the sacrifices I make.
very nice-though, (just for laughs) some moms are the Sergeant Major of their household… you know-the one holding down the Rear-D, whether he's deployed or just down range… this thread became so serious-gotta have a chuckle too!
Well goodie for you. I'm not going to do any of that crap. I have a life outside of this maddness it's just a job for us!!!
I do believe firmly believe that a spouse serves, I know from experience when my husband was in the marines and he was away a lot, we had 5 children, but he could serve his country knowing his wife was keeping the household together and his children were taken care of , and when he returned we would be there with open arms to welcome him home… Thye need to know they can leave with peace of mind that whne they are serving their country , thier spouse will be handling the homefront
To Serve is by definition: a : to be a servant, b : to do military or naval service. Serving in the military and being a military spouse later I would never have said I served the military by just being a spouse to a man that I chose to marry. I do not think a spouse serves the military, but they support their spouses. I am not saying that in any way it is easy to be a spouse of a military personnel or that spouses and families do not sacrifice any less, however spouses do not earn rank through their wife or husband. My husband wrote a comment on here about me, my service, and him being a military spouse. I feel the same way he does on this discussion, spouses do not serve the military. They are a support system in which they do have to sacrifice just as their military spouse does. I have had to deal with spouses who state I am Mrs. Col So and So. I would look at them and flat out tell them to their face to go away I would not see to their needs before my soldiers. Sorry, but they are Base Bunnies and I despise that kind of person. It was easy just being a spouse. I dealt with everyday life, plus helping with military functions and also volunteering my time to help the surrounding communities which had no military ties.
I do not see why there are those that believe that they serve too because their spouses do, it is frustrating. When I became a spouse and was discharged I still had to deal with spouses that thought they had rank. When they tried to pull that on me, I would snap. Again I dislike those who believe they are something by right and not by earning. I do not put up with people like that and the best way to describe their attitudes is tween. I dislike Sarah Smiley and personally went after her after she discredited her husband by admitting in her book that she had romantic feelings for her gynecologist and how she hated him for having to go on tours. She is by definition a Base Bunny and gives a bad name to military spouses yet I have witnessed first hand that several spouses act that way. It is because of those action I disagree full heartily with this article, spouses do not serve. They may sacrifice and support but no they do not serve.
I think you're focusing only on the spouses who think they wear their husbands' rank. Most here are not focused on rank, only on their contributions. Serving isn't just about rank-I wore the uniform for 20 yrs and can tell you there are many who wear it who are NOT serving-the only reason they're still in uniform is because someone hasn't made it happen. Serving isn't just about getting paid and earning rank. Serving is sacrifice, which many spouses do whole-heartedly. Most of those posting in this thread, I doubt, are the base bunny you refer to. Don't generalize your negative perception of a few base bunnies to the entire population of military spouses throughout the world-not everyone behaves that way, and they don't-I don't, as an Army spouse over 20 years, deserve that either. People like you actually make it difficult to keep on giving sometimes, because you invalidate and devalue the spouse's contribution (notice I said contribution, NOT rank).
I know I serve my country everytime they take my husband over seas he get frustrated and I do every thing I can to keep him calm and make him feel good about his role in the military and how great he is for doing this for his country. I think troops without the moral support of their loved ones wouldn't be able to make it all that time away mentaly it would brake them so yes I say us spouses play a big role in this military weather army, navy, marine or air force I do believe we serve our country.
I have to agree with Nancyjmen. As a former military service member and now army spouse-spouses do not serve. I appreciate when other civillians ask me to thank my husband and also thank me for my service, but I do not feel that as a dependant I am serving. I am not obligated to stay anywhere the military sends us. I did not swear to uphold and defend our nation. I support my husband in his job the same as I would any job he chooses. Freedom isn't free and I am thankful there are so many men and women who feel compelled to serve in the military forces and keep us that way.
DeeAnn, perhaps you do not serve, and perhaps you have decided you have the freedom to walk away and are not "obligated tostay anywhere the military sends you." But perhaps that's the difference between you and the spouse who is serving his/her military community. I wore the uniform for 20 years, and as an Army spouse over 20 years, I don't consider it an option to not go where the Army sends us. Perhaps the true difference, the true argument, whether the person has ever worn the uniform or not, is the choices we make, the actions we take, and the dedication we give. Those who are not dedicated, whether in uniform or not, are the ones who are not truly serving.
Yikes Renee,
That's very harsh, since you don't know my involement with the military. I still have to disagree about spouses serving. Dedication was not questioned. Spouse's may serve their families if they choose to, but they are not obligated to lay their lives down for their county.
I think they make a sacrifice others can't imagine. I have multiple family members who serve or who have served. We are currently giving a free photography give-away for a lucky military wife. It's just are way to say thanks.
Well you could always ask the soldier how essential his spouse and family is to his career. I can promise you 9 times out 10 they'll reply "They are the reason I am the soldier I am." "I do this FOR my family." So really it doesn't matter to me if someone who doesn't know me or my husband tells me that I am nonessential to the Military, or any other spouse for that matter. Because really they don't know, and never will know, all that we give. We sacrifice moments of potential emotional breakdown just to ease the mind of our soldier at war or work here on the homefront, because in essence we know just what it costs to worry our soldier. We sacrifice being an emotional person having a day to day relationship with our spouse, and sharing a life with them. My husband has been in Iraq, at school, or work (and we know how long those days are) for almost all but a month of the past year and 4 months.
If my being here, raising our family on my own, keeping our home in check on my own, being the ear for my husband while hes away and the one who gives those sweet short moments of relief that remind him why he is the soldier he is, why he works as hard as he does, and why he wants to be an even better soldier than he already is isn't serving my country to some people, that is their opinion. I know the sacrifices I make and the many spouses of the military make and how we tend to laugh at the fact that we never seem to see our husbands and wives, how the Army/Navy/Marine Corps what have you is the "Other woman" in our relationship, an dhow she always gets all the attention! We work hard as the spouses. I'm proud of all of MY comrades, the part time jobbers, full time parents, one woman/man shows back home… We are the American Soldiers rock.
Also, Just to be clear here, I do not CALL myself an Army wife, I do not wear my husbands rank, I do not expect anyone to bow down to me because of my husbands career. But, I do have a major role in his life. He would say that himself, he HAS said that himself. I don't put stickers on my car saying "The hardest job in the army is the army wife." I don't watch the Army Wives show! I stay away from all of that. And I don't have "Army wife" All over my networking pages or even mention my husbands career. So, to each their own, I work hard. And I don't expect anyone to start some group for my or compensate me otherwise, although the ARMY does do that when we are separated. Just recognizing the fact that there is separation and compensation for that tells me that even if our american people don't see spouses as people who are proud supporters and direct links to our Men and Women at combat, we are recognized. The military knows that family support is ESSENTIAL to the health and mind of the soldier. Why argue it? They know it. We know it. But this is one of the rare times I did feel the need to speak on this kind of topic. I usually don't even read forums like this and am too disgusted by the spouses who label themselves Army/Navy/ whatever Wife and then sleep around I know those kinds of women who do it all for attention. but I know faithful loving supportive spouses much like myself who feel the same way too. and we keep our noses out of certain parts of the military life because we don't want to be sucked into the drama. If you are a true spouse who honors their Soldier you know what I am referring too.
I don't think my job is harder than my husband's, and never will. I think it is different and has its own struggles and hardships, and I like the man above move every 3 years. And am about to move again in 2 weeks. Its stressful, but I take on the role gladly. Because he is just as essential to my life as I am to his.
beautiful.
No they don't. Most military families live better than your average American family. How many children have dads overseas in wars etc? Alot, but they get paid and still can at least financially provide for their wives and children. And when they are home, these women have husbands and the children have fathers – and even when he is away, they know they are loved. And many children have dads who have just flat out abandoned them? Wives have been abandoned? More than have dads serving overseas. How many have dads in jail? Or are just deadbeats and have skipped out emotionally and financially on paying out alimony and child support/? If the military spouse/father dies, at least financially the family is taken care of care of through benefits. If the deadbeat dad dies, goes to jail or skips out, the family may get a small amount of social security each month- but more than likely will get nothing. How many women are raising their families why there men are overseas? Probably alot, yet they do get the financial support and emotional support from their husbands when they do have contact, and from all of the base and family and friends. Now who many women are raising families on their own finances with no support system???? Now you tell me why I am supposed to feel like military wives and children deserve more than children that have been abused or abandoned? Yeah, you can't think of a single reason, can you? EXACTLY>
There are enlisted families on food stamps and you think they are "taken care of"? Not all soldiers can provide financially for their families. Many soldiers simply don't make enough to feed their families (thus food stamps). Men and women do not join the military with the hope of getting rich. Women do not marry soldier-husbands with the dream of living a "rich life". I absolutely love how civilians think we are rich. Give me a break. Perhaps the women who married the dead-beat dads made poor choices in a mate. Perhaps they should have thought about birth control before having children out of wedlock. Perhaps these men who are dead-beats or who walked out were not raised by a mother who taught them right from wrong. I'm supposed to feel badly for women who have children without husbands/fathers just because these women made poor choices? Yes, military wives have support from post families and friends, because the military took the time to help the spouses learn how to build a support network before the service members were deployed. This is not about military spouses and children "deserving more". This is about whether spouses serve. Until you have walked a mile in a military spouse's shoes, you cannot possibly judge, nor know exactly what those spouses go through during repeated deployments. Yes, the government does compensate a spouse if her husband-soldier is killed, however, it is not enough money to continue raising four children and send them all to college without the spouse going back to work, and becoming a single mom herself.
I would rather have my husband HERE rather than all the "supposed" compensation families get when the service member is killed. However, I do recognize and honor to serve, and continue serving. Keep in mind that 'service' and 'sacrifice' are not just about paying the bills. It's also about nontangible things-have you any idea what PTSD and TBI can do to the service member AND the family? Few civilians deal with that, whether or not they can pay the bills. Most of the civilians that can relate are also in a uniform of some kind (police, fire, etc). I can't stand shallow mindsets that are so superficial and can only see what's obvious, rather than looking below the surface. The part of the iceberg that you see above the water is but a fraction of its totality.
Why are you comparing our military members to deadbeat dads and jailbirds? Now THAT is comparing apples to oranges. If you're bitter because someone walked out on you I'd kindly like to ask you not to take it out on those whose partners go off to war, leaving behind temporary single parents.
Your post is not about whether or not we as spouses serve, your post is about complaining that we have it "made". I bet all those soldiers and families who have to rely on food stamps would beg to differ.
So what exactly is it you're fed up with?
YES. Only people who are in this position should have an opinion because they know first hand, and the answer is absolutely YES. Single Mom when he is deployed for long periods of time(going on 3rd deployment), training cyles, CQ duties, and night training.
we pack boxes for those overseas, give up valuable time, take over full time parenting because of the job, I don't know how that isn't serving
Usually you hear about the sacrifices that our husbands make. It gets spoken of on every deployment and upon each return home. People don't understand the trials and tribulations that us as wives face during a deployment. Not trying to promote my husbands music, but after seeing the response from fellow wives, I wanted to share this will all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0PZEa70xnU&fe…
Or you can look up
When you come home (Military Wife Song)
jdeuce505
Just wanted to share!! Good Luck to all the wives supporting their husbands.
In no way shape or form do they serve.. why is it that these spouses feel they should be commended or rewarded for the sacrafice their spouse make for all of us. It's bad enough they don't do anything with the resources and education they get. Then they have all these kids and wonder why they have no money and have to get handouts. What nerve to think your doing something special when you chose this when you married him. I have no sympathy for these lazy woman who think being a military wife is a career.. Pathetic!
Yes we served. While hunny was in OCS,Flight school, VIET NAM, I was there for him raising our son and carrying on with NO support like what is received today, all we got was scornh
He was a hero ib Nan he is gone now and I m LEFT PENNILESSbut once again NAM vets are forgotten
Life is a small apt no car no va benefits and no one who cares and too much red tape for A 70 YR OLD WIDOW TO WADE THRU
He was awarded the DFC AND BRONZE STAR but I lost the papers and no one will help so they can go on his grave
Yes we served we gave the parties played hostesses, put up with military protocol glady for our men
THANK YOU HA NONE AT ALL
Not in a million years do we as spouses "serve". We serve as wives, and confidants but that is ALL. It's kind of like being married to upper management, you are in charge of the social stuff and listening to the griping, no difference except I see a lot of fellow wives wearing like it's their "job"….get over it, it's not.
Well, I stumbled upon this discussion looking for an answer to something else military related, but I've been an Air Force spouse for 12 years now. I have to say that in my opinion, I believe that the whole family of a servicemember serves in some way or another. Not just me as a wife, but also my kids who have to deal with almost as much as us adults do, without the maturity and years to understand why something is they way it is. Wives (and husbands) sacrifice and serve in different way than their servicemember. No, we are not on the front lines, sleeping in tents, dodging bullets and bombs, but we are the glue that holds everything together until they make it back home. We have to deal with the 3am phone calls, the late nights, the 18 hr work days, the stress of preparing for a deployment and a homecoming. We, the spouses, are the ones that deal with the broken down cars, the kids acting out, the dog getting sick, the neighbor who decides they don't like you, the housing maintenance, the mowing of lawns, the builders of furniture and toys, the bank issues, and I could go on and on and on. Everyone on here knows what I'm talking about. The ones that say they would do no differently if their husbands weren't in the military, I don't believe they have a real view of what's it's like as a civilian. How many bankers wives have to put up with the unique situations and problems that we find ourselves in, everytime our husbands deploy, or are sent somewhere for several weeks for training, or even just during a 4 or 5 day exercise on base?? Every 3 or 4 years, we have to put our lives on hold, tell our children that we are moving, pack up and hope that your next base is somewhere your going to like. Maybe you might do that as a bankers wife, once or twice in your lifetime, but that would be at your control, and you would go where you wanted to go. I firmly believe that us families serve, just as much as as servicemembers, just in a different capacity. No, it's not as dangerous, or stressful as what our guys (and girls) go through, but being a military family carries it's own unique set of problems and stressors, that nobody but another military spouse or child can understand. Do I want a medal? No, that's for my husband to proudly wear! Do I want a certificate, or a pat on the back, or a ceremony? No I don't. I'm just doing what I'm supposed to do as a military wife. I love my husband, and I love my country, and honestly cannot imagine being anything else. It makes me proud to say that I am married to a man in the military! It makes my chest swell and my heart beat fast every time I see him in his uniform and know that every day he walks out that door, he IS serving his country and doing a small part to make the world safe for my kids! And everyday at 5pm when the National Anthem plays or at 10pm when they play taps, I get tears in my eyes because I LOVE my country and know that what I do at home, allows my husband to do his job no matter where he's at, be it home or deployed.
This isn't directly answering the question about spouses serving,but rather the perception of a military vs. civilian spouse.I'm the wife of a military reservist who is deploying and is going into law enforcement in his "civilian" job,and I was raised in a law enforcement household.The role of what is considered the wife of someone serving is broad.My mother didn't have to worry about my father dying in another country, but when he went on a SWAT call, the tension of worrying that he wouldn't return home was still great. The same goes for all first responders, as well as contractors who are deploying to the same countries in which the military serves.Some active duty military families don't even recognize reservist families because we live outside installations and don't have to move around, but the revervist deploys to all of the same places, for a year, sometimes multiple times.There is a lack of acceptance and support, especially if the base where your spouse is drilling is far from home.The days of 1 weekend a month,2 weeks a year are long gone,but because no one has been informed of this,many continue to think it's an easy gig.
I am on the fence with this. I feel that spouses should be recognized or at least respected for the sacrifices made when their service member is deployed. Some of them do a bang up job with volunteer groups and the like. Their are also quite a few who fail miserably. I know that my wife has had her hands full keeping the homestead running and worrying endlessly about me in my combat infantryman role. I give her all the respect in the world for keeping it together. Im sure she would do the samething though if i was a on the road salesman, she loves me and supports me. She doesnt wear my rank but she does act the part of a senior NCOs wife so as to not bring discredit on me which im thankfull for. She takes care of me and keeps my head in the right place,,I guess thats service enough.
I agree……………………………