This week I decided since it was almost Halloween that I ought to get out my Halloween stuff out and see what I have so I can decorate before the day completely passes me by. Not that the kids would allow that….
I pulled out the totes I had in the garage marked “Halloween” and realized I didn’t have much at all. Perfect excuse to go shopping right? To my surprise when I got there, I think there was more Christmas décor than Halloween, and it isn’t even Halloween yet. I had a mini meltdown right there in the aisle. I am NOT ready for all that. The holidays are supposed to be an enjoyable time spent with friends and family, but in all honesty, PTSD and holidays don’t always mix well together.
My husband is not the greatest at showing positive emotions, so instead of being able to make the stress worth it in his mind like it is in mine, it just causes him to get more angry and frustrated, and want to hide out. We are learning slowly how to deal with all this. We don’t travel during the holidays; way too many people to encounter. Instead, we open our door for friends and family to come to us so that if my husband gets uncomfortable he is in his own environment. He has even been known to disappear until everyone is gone. While that is an option, I certainly do not encourage it. I am very open and honest with those who choose to come over about things that tend to trigger him, and what his limits are just in case an issue was to arise. I don’t make my husband go shopping with me. Instead, we shop online and decide what gifts to get as a team, and then I go out and get them, or we just order them.
We choose to watch parades on TV as opposed to going to them, and we stick to our normal routine as much as possible so there is no adjustment period before and after the holidays. It might sound boring to some, but having our own traditions gives him something to look forward to, and sometimes just having them is all he needs. We pick and choose which other events to attend (if any) by carefully weighing the options. We ask ourselves if environmental triggers will be present. What will the crowd be like? Will they understand if there is an episode? What about an escape plan?
I know it sounds a bit ridiculous, but this is our life, as real as it gets. We have lost a lot of friends, and even some family members have chosen to distance themselves from us because of the these things, but in the long run we are better for it. We have been given a unique perspective, we no longer take all this for granted and that is a beautiful gift in itself. For those of you who are living with, or have a loved one living with PTSD, what things have you found to help you get through the holidays?
About Kristle
Comments
I'm not sure what will happen this holiday season as my husband really hasn't been home for any holidays (except July 4th – and I shut all the windows, turned on the AC and turned up the TV for him) for the last five years.
Mine tends to be more reactive PSTD-wise in the first three months after he returns. We don't go out to dinner unless he can sit with his back to a wall and there isn't a crowd. I don't let him drive for the first month. I also lock up the guns for the first month (I keep the key and we don't have kids). Despite being mortared a great deal, dealing with a tent fire, and running convoys, he's really only jumpy for those first three months.
to Syven914
WAIT, just wait.
i've suffered with this garbage since coming home in late 1969 from the nam, on second wife. she's more understanding and the love of my life.
The Warrior
Hubby has deployed to Iraq three times in the last five years. He's never been different about his reactions when he gets home. I don't know if its because I learned quick the first time and I maintain a very structured environment for him or if he's just good at dealing with things like that.
I tend to think that its a combination of the two of us. My job in Germany was Casualty Manager. I've seen things that some soldiers will never see, let alone spouses. It was a job I was doing when hubby was deployed the first time. I never knew if the voice on the phone in the middle of the night would start reading of *my* husbands' SSN or not.
I'm glad you have an understanding wife. Thank you for your service and I wish you didn't have to suffer for it.
My husband is a Vietnam vet who has had PTSD ever since coming home. Back then it wasn’t diagnosed as such, and even today there are some who scoff that the veterans just need to change their attitude and they will get better. They are wrong. PTSD is real, and it is forever. It WILL get better over time, but it will not completely go away. You learn what the triggers are, and you learn how to deal with the meltdowns. Marriage is not 50-50 any longer; it becomes 90-10 and sometimes it is you giving 100% (or more). What I think is most important to remember is that it is NOT you causing the meltdowns. It may feel like he is directing his anger towards you, but in reality even he is not sure what his anger is directed toward. It’s just that you are there to absorb the fallout. I’ve found the best thing to do when his PTSD hits is to stop talking. Don’t argue with him. Give him some space and time so he can cool down. Just go about your normal activities and, trust me, he will come back. He probably won’t ever apologize, but he knows what he’s put you through and he hates it… continued
continuation… We don’t go to restaurants at busy times. If we go in a restaurant and there are no seats where he can put his back to the wall, we leave. I feel like I must always be with him to provide a buffer between him and other people. He can get mad if someone just looks at him. We don’t have any friends anymore except for his fellow veterans. Yes, it has been difficult, and there have been many times that I thought of leaving him, but I know that he needs me, he loves me, and I love him. It’s not fair that my life has been disrupted because of his PTSD. This is not what I envisioned for my “golden years.” But it’s the way it turned out, and I just deal with it, and that includes helping him deal with it too.
Holidays are frustrating! I used to think it was just me that had this problem. I see others not have the same problems as my husband and I but maybe try are just better at hiding it. I don’t know how to cope with my husband emotionless self. Hoping it gets better when he gets out!
His lack of emotions is probably him trying to function in society that wants him to act normal. Civilians won't understand the emotions he would show if he could. So he holds it all in, just trying to get along with everyone, and that includes you. He probably feels you wouldn't understand either. When he gets out, make sure he goes to any and all counseling sessions his unit provides. Very gently insist that he attend, not only for himself but also for you. If you can also attend, you will learn a lot. Some people are helped by group therapy, others require one-on-one. When he wants to talk, listen. Ask questions, show interest, but don't push him to reveal more than he's ready for. He will give you bits and pieces, and as he feels more comfortable with the way you receive the information, he'll open up more.
Thank you LovesHim you are truly an inspiration to us wives just now going through this. Thank you for your words of wisdom. Your advice on being skillful in the way we talk them into going to therapy is so true. When my husband came back from this last deployment I noticed a change in him. It was like emotionally he just wasn't with me and the kids, he was there physically, he was glad to be home but I just knew something wasn't right. He started going to therapy for sleep disorder which of course he had been suffering from since '03 when he first deployed, so I used that excuse to go with him to one of his sessions… continued
Continued… The therapist quickly picked up on my signs and scheduled us for individual therapy under the sleep disorder excuse. The sessions really helped and a lot of things came out in those sessions that I don't think he would have ever just opened up and told me at the time. The sessions were very helpful to him as far as opening up and talking and to me because I got some insight as to the stuff he was dealing with. I thank God for connecting us with a therapist that also had a strong belief in God and through therapy, prayer and faith in God, my husband and i are in much better place than we were when he first come home. It's like LovesHim stated, it's just the hand we military wives have been dealt. It is up to us to give the 100% plus for our husbands, our families and our country.
Thank you all for continuing to share with each other the things that have and have not worked for each of you. This is why I continue to write. Everyone has an experience, a story, and it never ceases to amaze me how much we can all teach each other if we just take the time! :)
My husband does not admit that he has PTSD, even though everyone around him see the signs. I can't get him to get help and I don't know what to do about it. I'm on the verge of just throwing up my hands and moving on. There are times I'm afraid to sleep in the same bed with him. The kids don't want to be around him because no one is sure what will set him off or when. I cannot afford therapy for either of us (if I could even get him to agree to go). Any suggestions? He's been home 5 years now and only seems to be getting worse.
I would suggest that you compile some research to show him. You could also search for competent therapists in your area, find out what forms of treatment they use for trauma survivors, what their experience with veterans is, etc. If you do the research, you will find that people do recover from PTSD, and then share your hope and faith with him that he can get better and you will try to help him do so by being supportive. Don't forget about your own mental health, look into secondary traumatization and remember that his problems are affecting you quite a bit, as well as your children. Even if you cannot convince him to go to therapy, you should probably go yourself if you can afford to. Also, your fear of sleeping with him is very real, it might be that you do need to take protective measures for yourself. I hope this helps, good luck to you my prayers are with you and your family.
My husband spent a year in Afghanistan. This is our first Christmas together as a married couple, and we were supposed to visit my family, but now he is refusing to go. Apparently he spent December of last year on a mission that involved a lot of IEDs exploding. I’m really trying to understand and be supportive. I haven’t been with my whole family for the holidays in many years though :( I’m trying to figure out if maybe I should just fly out there for a few days, then be back for Christmas, or if it will make things worse if I leave. I just feel really helpless at this point :( any advice would be helpful…