I had the honor to spend the summer taking care of my Mom during the last stages of her battle with cancer. It was during this time that I realized I did the same thing with her death as I do with Hubby’s deployments. I plan and know how I am going to handle things when the time comes, or I get a knock at the door. Anticipatory Grief has seeped into more areas of my life than I ever thought possible.
What I had thought would happen when the time came for my Mom’s decline was partly true. It was tough, but more manageable than I thought. At the same time, I was dealing with the Hubby being deployed and waiting for the knock at the door. And waiting for the turn in the road with my Mom. For two of the most important people in my life, I was imaging what I would be thinking and doing if something happened to both of them at the same time.
It was a rough six to eight weeks. Hubby was there as much as he could be via internet and phone. Friends stepped in and our church family took as much as the load off me as I would allow. Yet no one could stop my mind from seeing myself burying both my Mom and Hubby at the same time. It did not happen, but the thought was always in the back of my mind that it would. It actually took me a minute to realize that it was anticipatory grief I was dealing with, for both Mom and Hubby. The only difference is we knew what the outcome would be with my Mom.
With Hubby I never know, but always plan. Let me tell you, having things planned out and ready to go is the best thing if anything happens. It also made me realize that we all need to be prepared for the worst case scenario, not just for our spouses, but ourselves too. We all need to have a will and written instructions for what our last wishes are. It makes it easier on those left behind. Hubby has done this, and now it is my turn. It has been made abundantly clear that I need to do this, not just for my own peace of mind but for the peace of mind of my loved ones.
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Been there. I was caring for my mother who suffered from dementia and heart problems, then we heard that my husband would be deployed. Almost immediately my thought was "Mom needs to die before he leaves. I can't deal with both at the same time and I want him to help me through losing her." I'm not particularly proud of that thought, but I think you can understand it. Deployment ended up being almost a year off and mom's death only a few months. I'm glad he was around. This fall I miss them both. I miss her talking about the beauty of the changing leaves and how she was looking forward to summer (her concept of time and seasons was completely gone) and I miss fall camping with him.
WOW!! We don't know each other. I know Reasa. After reading her post, I read yours.
My grandfather died of Alzheimer's Disease in a rest home. He'd been diagnosed with it just shortly after losing my grandmother to cancer, some years prior, when my own mom was 15. From the time that I was 7 years old up until about 11 or 12, he lived in the best of 3 or 4 total rest homes we'd tried. The previous rest homes had limited security so he was often brought to our home by the police because he'd somehow escaped the rest home and gotten lost. They'd find him wandering the streets, with his Alzheimer's, not knowing where he was or where he belonged. But this rest home provided him the BEST care and environment.
I was very close to him. We'd have long conversations, all about the same thing each time, but I didn't care because this was my beloved grandfather! He would draw for me, shaky hands and barely a recollection of what to draw or how to draw it. I hated leaving those visits because the only way to stop him from attempting to follow us out was to lie to him. To tell him we were going to the snack bar and that we'd return shortly. I would begin to cry and become very hateful toward my family for lying. I didn't understand at the time, the heartache and the pain that would be far worse, from watching him struggle to let us leave. I think maybe I hated it because it was to protect ourselves from the pain. But I also didn't understand at the time that he would forget so quickly that he even had a visit from somebody. So even if it WAS just for us, we'd know that we left him in peace and not in pain.
When I was 11 we moved from that state (AZ) to Las Vegas (NV) but still visited. Not as often. We'd gone from weekly to monthly. Thinking about it now, I'm almost convinced that the fewer visits sped up his death.
He died not too long after we'd moved to Vegas. I might have been 12 or 13. I think it was God's covering on my life, I'd like to see it that way, that it didn't ever dawn on me that he was gone. Because for me, HIS death was and will be the most devastating family death I might ever face.
I was 14 or 16 before I realized that my grandfather was gone. I sat by my mom one evening and asked her if we could visit him. If we could travel to AZ to see him. That I missed him and just really needed to see him. It was that evening that, in concern, my mom had to ask me if I was alright and remind me that he was gone.
He was such a huge part of me that I was never able to let go. When he died I must have gone numb. I am grateful to this day for the relationship I WAS able to have with him. His memory will always have a huge part of my heart.
Departures are so hard. Leaving a loved one heading to a war zone or leaving a loved one at a nursing facility–both include so much unknown about the future. So much worry and wanting to do the right thing. And it's probably impossible to understand what the other person is feeling.
It fascinates me how different dementias play out. My mother became very trusting and died before she lost any of her personality. Thanks for letting me hear about your grandfather.
I am sorry for your loss. Anticipatory grief has helped me through times when I thought I couldn't possibly make it through, and it is partly a survival thing for me. My family is far away and when trouble looms, I usually can't be there anytime soon, something I was fine with when I initially left, but then the health crisis started. First it was my sister, who had caught a virus that caused her heart to enlarge massively. She was 5 minutes from death and I was 1 week from welcoming home hubby. My every fiber wanted to fly home to be by her side, and hubby, who had been gone for a year, was very supportive and would have gladly delayed seeing me, but my parents AND my sister insisted on me staying put. So instead of flying home, I spent hours on the phone with her, talking about everything and nothing. Eventually she made a full recover – still somewhat of a miracle, but it was hard for me not to be there and I had gone though all the "what if" stages with her. Then dad took a turn for the worse and it all started again, only this time it was a financial issue and the fact that my family chose to tell me rather late in the game…and then mum had surgery…and this whole time I sit here and grieve for them, going through the worst scenario in my head over and over again, telling myself that I can do this…
I am also sorry for your loss. I helped to care for my mother in her final months, when my husband (retired Army SF) was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. We had a 2 and 5 year old at the time. I buried my mother the weekend of Easter and six weeks later I buried my husband. My point is this, please, please….if you have children, make sure that you have your financial life in order. Insure that you have a will, a power of attorney, a durable medical power of attorney…they are so very important. I never imagined that this scenario would happen to me, but it did, and we never know when that knock on the door, or that fatal phone call will come. But we do have the power to speak to our spouses, lay out their wishes, and insure that what they want done/taken care of may come to fruition. It does give great peace of mind for all involved.