One of our readers has a dilemma and reached out to us for advice through our Mailbag. We’ll call her Angie for purposes of this post. Here’s Angie’s problem:
I’ve been battling with this situation for about 3 weeks now, and have decided it’s time to reach out. My husband is in the Army reserves and for the most part I don’t pay much attention to it. It’s hard to actually be involved with a rear detachment unit. There just isn’t much going on. But, recently I’ve noticed my husband has been talking about a female soldier more and more. I’m not a jealous person and I understand the need for communication. I’ve been wondering why after four years in the same unit together she’s now a topic. This summer she had some situations during drills that caused her to reach out to my husband for help. No big deal. Since then, she is consistantly Facebook messaging him. Harmless stuff really. The last message (my husband and I give each other full access to each other’s social accounts) I read a message where she gave him her number and asked him to call her for a favor she needed. Which ended up being putting her dog down. She lives an hour and a half from us, there are other soldiers in the unit that live in the same town and who asks someone to do that?
I’m beginning to think she got the wrong impression by him helping her. So, I messaged and asked her to stop messaging him. After a few civil messages, she got hateful and snotty. Now, my problem is: messages are for privacy, I understand messaging a phone number, but as far as the rest it should be wall to wall. Or, even text or call him. I’m am debating on contacting the commander for her disrespect of my request. My husband did nothing wrong and didn’t reply to her messages. But, I don’t want him in trouble because he was on the receiving end. But, I do feel like she needs some assistance with respect of a fellow soldiers wife. I was very civil in my request. How should I address this situation? My husband doesn’t want to be involved.
These matters are always difficult to deal with online. We have Angie’s version of events and although I have absolutely no reason to doubt her version, there’s a lot that we simply don’t know. And even if all our questions were answered, we don’t personally know the players involved so it’s difficult to give a stranger advice in this type of situation. However, we can offer our opinions based on the information Angie provided.
Angie is brave to reach out for advice, and should be commended for doing so. Our regular commenters are always good about offering constructive advice so let’s keep it civil and on point in the comment section. One thing I found interesting about Angie’s email is the fact that she is contemplating taking this to her husband’s commander (whom I’m assuming is also the commander of the female soldier at the heart of the problem) but she fears her husband may get in trouble. So I’ll throw out two questions to our audience. 1.) Have you ever been in a similar situation and if so, how was it resolved? 2.) Have you ever taken a problem (any problem) to your spouse’s commander and if so, were you glad you did, or did it turn out badly?
No related posts.
About Andi
Comments
I haven't been in a situation like this, but here goes nothing. I understand wanting to get answers regarding the famale soldier, but I think Angie should have had her husband tell the female soldier that they are approaching a grey area or that he didn't want her to get the wrong idea from him helping her out, or something like that. I don't think it looks good for anyone for a wife to get involved in something like this instead of him. She should trust her husband, and have him be the point of contact with this female soldier. I also think that Facebook messaging is fine, it is the same as emailing, texting, etc. and don't we all want less put on our public Facebook walls? There is no reason why that should be a problem. I trust my husband, I do not read his messages, emails, etc. Sometimes some space and privacy isn't a bad thing.
I am retired (male) and always had a witness when counseling female soldiers. My witness would also be another NCO. I agree with most replies, However if the husband does confront the other woman, he should and must take a witness. Not his wife. This will prevent any misunderstanding on the both parts. As for the wife, she should have let the husband tell the lady with the closeness issue. Wife stay out of it. Husband get witness and confront the female. USE THE CHAIN OF COMMAND!!
I am not sure I agree with you. I would go to my spouse first but if left unsolved I will go to the commander. I would protect my marriage at all cost as we already have a burden when we have to pick up when our spouse is gone. Just my opinion.
I'm not sure what I'd do in that situation. Only slightly related, my husband told me (a year after it happened) that he almost had paperwork on him for sexual harassment because one of his female coworkers took a joke the wrong way. Anyone who knows my husband knows he is nothing of that sort, and his jokes aren't even over-reaching or risque.
This accusation was coming from a female whom we drove 30 minutes to pick up at 2 in the morning to bring her to the ER because she had a migraine, we were the only ones she felt she could call. She also took my husband & I out to dinner once, & they even went to a movie & grabbed drinks together (all as friends). So when he told me that she spoke against him I was shocked and angry. She is unstable emotionally and has shared as much with me before but I was still floored and hurt that someone we considered a friend would have said such things about my husband. Ultimately, he only got a stern talking to, but if I had known that was going on at the time & paperwork had gone through on him, I probably would have thought about going to command, too, because her accusations were based only on her paranoia and untruthful.
As far as Angie's situation, the easiest solution would be to block her from both Facebook accounts and hope she doesn't attempt further contact, and if she still persists on communication via e-mail with him, I'm not sure I'd go directly to the commander (not sure what the hierarchy for Army Reserves is) but perhaps their direct supervisor or First Sergeant would be able to step in and talk to her. Sometimes it does take someone else's perspective to grasp the entire situation.
having been the female on the receiving end of unwanted male attention while in the military, and, having gone to superiors in both separate and unrelated situations, I can tell you that going to the superiors is, in my opinion and experience, a bad thing. I honestly don't think they know what to do with situations like this.
As a retired soldier and an Army wife whose husband is over 20 years, I would personally not involve the commander. The husband needs to address this directly, though I understand his hesitance-it's an awkward situation. Having been on the receiving end of unwanted advances over the years, as a female, and having had a female soldier acquaintance (of m y husband's) who had a crush on my own husband 2 years ago (he swears he didn't realize that), I think it is better to handle privately. After recent advances from a friend's husband (a soldier) both via text and FB, I simply responded by wishing them the best for the new year and signed my text formally, as Reverend Renee Ten Eyck. The point was well taken, and the "heat" has ended. Perhaps your husband would be able to craft a similar response to the female soldier-craft a response that is compassionate (maybe she feels alone) and lets her know her superiors still care, but signing the message formally with his rank/title, and keeping the message very professional. I would also encourage him, next time she needs help, to "delegate" the task.
What a difficult situation this can be. I believe the husband does need to get involved. There is no middle man when it comes to your spouse- especially with disrespect occurring. If a family member is uncomfortable with something going on and vocalizing it to the person doesn't help I would start working my way up the chain. I would suggest not going straight to the Commander, but your husband, the girls supervisor(who should be the one assisting in these issues anyway everyone has a supervisor no matter what rank) and if that doesn't work the First Sergeant. By this point in the chain the problem should be resolved. Sorry to those that deal with these problems and I hope everything gets figured out in the correct manner.
I haven't had a situation exactly like this, but I don't think I would take it to the commander. Technically, it's not a command issue and it might actually make the situation worse, not better. If the female soldier refuses to see reason and keeps pushing the issue, there are several things that can be done: Block her from Facebook, either block her number from your phone(s) or just don't respond to any of her calls or messages, the absolute best thing to do would be to have Angie's husband talk to her either through Facebook or in person, and let her know that while he was happy to help her on one occasion, it's not appropriate for him to continue helping her because he's married. If he's not willing to do that, really all you can do is ignore her behavior.
No on both questions. : /
If all else fails, maybe Angie should speak with the base Chaplain…if the female soldier continues to carry on in this manner. I agree, about not wanting to get the CO involved. But I would definitely block her on everything. However, if it becomes a stalking issue down the road…you may have to go up the chain. The reason why I mention stalking, is due to her red-flag response when you asked her to stop with the messages.
agree. Military spouse of 22yrs and stop the fire before it spreads! She is seeking attention and usually they love higher ranks, it feds their ego! Your husband may even enjoy the attention he is receiving. I to have had to deal w/ this same scenario, put an END to it now!
When she got snotty (an act of defense) why did she do that? She should have NOTHING to hide or be snotty about. She is guilty of somthing, even if only acting inapropriately
I haven't been in this situation but I think it would be best not to get the command involved. I think if she went to the commander with a personal issue like this it would reflect negatively on her and her husband, and she would be seen as "that wife" that wanted to create drama. Her husband, not the commander, needs to take charge of this situation and lay down the law with the female soldier, because obviously their relationship is causing friction in his marriage and this soldier was disrespectful to his wife. He may not want to get involved with the situation but he already is involved, and it's his responsibility to fix it.
I totally agree with SemperSteen – I am married to someone who has been in command and can tell you that unless there is spousal abuse, proven adultery or some sort of "danger" (a wife being worried about her husband's mental health or a "stalking" situation as someone mentioned above) – anything else is going to make BOTH the wife and the husband look bad. The wife for sharing such personal information (which will be seen as tattling to get her husband in trouble) and the husband for not dealing with the situation himself – AND…no matter how private they try to keep it, once they involve command word is going to get out. It is a lose lose. The wife needs to stop communicating with this woman (because if things get ugly then the female soldier can say she was being harrassed by the wife) and the husband needs to handle it. Crappy situation to be in. :(
I agree, and can add one more perspective (in general, not on this specific case). I was the recipient of my ex's stalking/threats, and my current sig other (SR NCO, Different branch) took it to my ex's CoC without my approval (admittedly, I wasn't in any mental shape to make the decision). As a result, precisely what I was afraid of happened – the Sqdrn Captain thought I was a drama queen; and my ex's behaviour escalated, which, sadly, statistically, is usually the case. It ended up needing to involve local LEOs, MP's, and my ex's chain. I am still not sure its "over"
Would it have needed to happen anyway? Possibly.
Do I still consider it an absolute last resort? Most definitely.
Do I think its the right answer in the situation above, as presented? Not even close.
With all due respect, her husband is involved whether he wants to be or not. He may not be aware of it, but his inaction IS a choice.
This seems indicative of serious communication problems between Angie and her husband. If that could be true, then that is the *real* problem.. the problem with the third person seems more compelling, but it is secondary. It sounds like the two of them need to have have a long, respectful, *loving* conversation about this. It might be a good idea to involve a chaplain in the conversation. These little things can become big things if not approached with a very calm and kind spirit.
Once they work out their values and how to handle the situation accordingly, her husband needs to handle it all on his own. When she is forced into the position of handling these things, it is embarrassing for the both of them.
My sincere best wishes to Angie and her husband. I hope you come out of this challenge stronger and closer than ever before.
I bet the husband is loving the drama. 2 ladies fighting over him essentially. His inaction is a def choice and its the wrong one. He needs to step up and finish this thing by making a choice. It's going to be awkward and filled with hurt feelings but it needs to be done.
Wow! Im sorry if I come off as being a bit insensitive, but how is this situation even close to being something you would take to his commander. I seriously think Angie needs a reality check. Whatever issues she is haveing with her hubby and the other lady, can easily be resolved without wasteing the commanders time. I think some people need some lessons in problem-solving and mature behavior. There is only one reason a wife reads her husband's emails,texts,etc..she is curious. Wondering what he is doing when hes out of her sight. If she is this upset over something this lame, what would she do when she catches them in bed together. Which could possibly hapen if she starts accuseing him of it.
Good grief – take 'army" out of this – would you call your husband's boss up in the civilian world? (would you even KNOW his boos??)
Nope, your problem, like it or not, is with your husband. NOT with the other woman , a coworker. You should have never even approached her in the first place. Your beef is with your husband. She owes you nothing .
Michele I hear ya. I've asked my husband numerous times why people think it's acceptable to contact their spouse's boss whenever they aren't happy with their husband's behavior. It's too bad commands can't fire someone because "the wife" is being a pain in the ass and taking time away from what's important: training and fighting a war.
Aaactually mine has kicked out a sgt because his wife was too disruptive. The wife would berate the sgt, beat him up etc and when he told her he wanted a divorce, tried to down some pills. The guy was a wreck and as an NCO, his guys had no faith in him, he would show up without his uniform (because crazy had kicked him out of the house, show up late (because he was up until 3 am arguing), multiple failures to report etc. Mind you crazy was the source of most problems, multiple live in boyfriends during deployment (she admitted) and even 2 kids that weren't his that were conceived during the marriage.
He didn't take the steps to improve his situation after several warnings so they chaptered him on patterns of misconduct.
Do not involve the commander. The only reason to do something such as this would be if their was a situation that actual legal action could take place in either civilian or military circumstances. Guys here's a newsflash, from the rank of Colonel down officers and NCOs are NORMAL people. Above a Colonel not so sure…but below this holds true. None of these guys are counselors or Dr. Phil in camo. They would take 1 of 3 courses of action: 1. Ignore it and be kind of pissed at the husband. 2. Try to talk to both parties but most likely cause more drama and the whole unit would know. 3. Try for getting 1 if not both individuals reassigned. None of these are very good courses of action.
My advice, tell the husband to step up and tell the female coworker very politely that while this could have been handled differently, his wife has a good point and it made her very uncomfortable for him to get so close to a woman that he spends so much time with. From my point of view I can understand in this day and time where 50% of marriages fail, regardless of how much his wife trusts him. It is his responsibility to resolve it because it involves HIS wife.
My two cents.
bravo on this… I wanted to express those things (the 1-2-3's) but couldn't figure out how!
What GunnyUSMC said! Also echo Michele. In the "real world", the civilian boss would not be a resource… neither is the command in the military.
I highly recommend some counseling, even if your husband won't go with you. It's great to have a sounding board and talk through issues with a professional. There is NO shame in it!!
Beautiful answer
How about this? Would you go to your husband's boss at work if he was a civilian? Yeah I understnad the difference in civilian and military life but there are some things that need to stay between the parties involved. This should be resloved at the lowest levels possible not running to the Commander or First Sgt everytime you have an issue.
STOP SNITCHING!!!!!!!
meaning when i say that, theres no need to go to somebodys commander, now your adding more unnecessary parties to a dillemma in your marriage. when really, either you yourself or your husband can handle the situation without trying to take it to the next level and allowing it to get outta control. What if she wasn't in the Military THEN what would you do? why don't you just block her from facebook and call it a day. And talk to your hubby about keeping contact to strictly a professional level since they're stationed together anyway. if anything, you risk embarrassing your own husband cause now all these people are involved. and say if she got in trouble, you just destroyed somebodys career and path of life for the next few years. wanna be the culprit to that?!!! i understand u wanna protect ur marriage but it ain't worth destroying someone elses life over.
its unecessary Drama.
As a Army wife myself I had my husbands chain of command calling me asking me if I was aware of a friendship going on between my husband and a PVT. Once the friendship was brought to my attention I politely met the female for coffee and let her know I did NOT appreciate her texting my husband who was not in her chain of command about her issues she was having. For some strange reason that PVT never made it much further in her military life, she is a civilian these days. I would not call the Commander but I would make it known that it is not wanted…..the military frowns down on things like this
Lots of posts on this one. I'll just add my two cents. As the wife of a Chief, my husband does not see/visit/otherwise engage in anything with a female alone period. If he has to do something involving an airman's wife, I go with him. It's like he is a gynecologist LOL, his door is open if there is a female in his office. It's just a method to CYA. We have known too many people or situations where things have gotten out of hand and someone has been kicked out or basically been so severely reprimanded that their career is over.
In addition, the last person I would talk to is the commander. Chain of Command!! The girl's supervisor should be notified and your husband should do it, it is his responsibility. And he better do it before she brings false allegations too, because it will always be a case of he said/she said and you never how those situations will go. Either way, it sounds like she is totally take advantage (from your side of things) and it should end. No contact outside of work, period. It is just inappropriate. After her supervisor/his supervisor/ then First Sergeant. The First Sergeant in a squadron (or whatever the Army calls it) should be there person to handle personal/people issues. At least that is the way it is in the AirForce. good luck!
It really is going to depend on the situation and commander. My husband has been in command and was always open to spouses coming into the office to voice their concerns (and he got quite a few of them). He usually got berated by fellow commanders in their meetings for this. On the flip side, he wasn't afraid to get a soldiers spouse/family involved in "the work problems" meaning if he warned someone they needed help more than twice and they still didn't shape up, he'd call their families to explain what was going on (usually that this was the last warning before a chapter). Sadly, we saw a lot of spouses that had been badly mistreated by former commanders (and I mean some NASTY things were said) so they were afraid to come to my husband until it was almost too late.
In this particular case this is TOTALLY on the husband. He seems to be enjoying this a wee bit too much, it's his responsibility to voice his concerns to the female soldier (because right now, the wife looks like an over protective nut job that doesn't trust her husband). If she continues then it is up to the husband to contact his commander and explain the situation
Are you kidding me?!? seriously? Angie shoulda kept this in her own family. If her husband won't fix this issue at drill he has the problem. Any communication between angie and the other woman should never have happened period. end of story. also do not go to the chain of command ever with this. Once the brass is involved the problems escalate exponentially. common sense here please
I don't understand why you would go STRAIGHT to the Commander. This is a textbook Shirt issue. Now, your husband should be more involved really in understanding how you feel, and directly handling and relaying what is professional and what is not with the individual. It is a fine line with open communication and wanting your troops to be able to communicate with you versus keeping that line of communication open and having it misinterpreted and that person getting too comfortable.
Your husband sounds like he is in more of a position of authority over the other lady, HE SHOULD be the one to set the example and unblur that line.
No, No, No commander. No brainer.
In my experiences with the military, going straight to the commander is the exactly WRONG reaction. We are given a chain of command for a reason, settle this at the lowest possible level. Talk to his Sgt or Staff Sgt, if they cannot resolve the issue push it up the chain. Going straight to the commander is going to put this issue in the spotlight and put her husband on the hotseat for not having the issue resolved lower in the chain. Do NOT break the chain.
My 2 Cents
No you don't involve the commander as this is a personal issue between you and your husband. As long as the husband isn't committing adultery you are actually interfering with unit camraderie. Facebook is commonly used as a communication tool and for entertainment so you shouldn't be misinterpreting it.
If you do feel like you actually absolutely have to bring it to his unit use your command's OMBUDSMAN first and see how to proceed. Getting the commander involved with your issues when they have everything else in the world to worry about will reflect poorly on your husband.
Thought I'd chime in my own opinion, in case this is a democratic decision…I think it would be wrong to involve any military staff as this seems to be a civil matter between a married couple and a man and a woman with the wrong idea. Just ask yourself what you would do if your husband had come into contact with this woman at his civilian job, and deal with it that way.
My experience in the military has been that as soon as you involve anyone higher up their main goal will be to make it go away without them being liable for any wrong moves. They will overreact in their decisions just so that no one can accuse them of not taking enough action, and their actions will be based on what is best for the unit and themselves, not for any of the parties involved.
I think your husband might need to step up and be an adult in this situation, taking control of it and talking to this woman. Hopefully it can become a professional working relationship again without too much pain and it won't be escalated any more than it already has.
I have had this exact issues with my husband who is a NCO. I feel like someone only gets as close to you as you allow them to. If the line was never drawn then it will be crossed. I think it’s your husbands job to confront the issues with another NCO there to be a witness. I understand there has to be communication for work purposes, but when you spend more time at work than you do at home with your family it’s disrespectful to call someone everyday after hours to just talk and vent. That what chaplains are for!!!
This is very interesting. I myself am fairly new to the military "rules". One thing I've learned is that there is a code of honor and behavior expected my military members no matter what the rank. And the second being your not exactly given a "chain of command" guide! I commend "Angie" in having the guts to reach out in such a touchy situation. Trust, don't trust, should of, shouldn't of….etc. Fact of the matter, she asked for advice before doing anything rash, maybe, hopefully! Obviously, not knowing how to react to or deal with the situation. There is a line that has been crossed and it needs to be addressed between herself and husband first. Second, the husband needs to correct the female soldier in regards to her disrespect ( no matter the situation respect is always first and formost) and lastly the boundries need to be discussed and drawn. It's better to have everything out in the open than to leave anything for interpertation!
I agree with you, Dawn. I commend Angie for reaching out. I think we need to keep in mind that not everyone has a lot of experience dealing with the military and even if they do, they may just need to hear the thoughts of others. I saw nothing wrong with Angie's question and some comments and follow-on mail proves that she's not the only one who's been in a similar situation.
My husband's commander doesn't have much of a concern for our family life and isn't interested in inserting himself into our marital squabbles. I can understand Angie being angry and I can understand "the other woman" also being angry. If I had a friend whose significant other told me me I could no longer contact him/her I would have an issue with that. She probably sees this as an overbearing wife going over her husband's head to scare off any potential girltoys, which is insulting. On the other hand, if her own husband doesn't see anything wrong with it and refuses to get involved Angie has a much larger problem on her hands. Deal with this weirdness between husband and wife and work from there. My husband wouldn't call my boss if he had an issue with one of my coworkers. He would first discuss it with me and then potentially with the coworker.
Sounds to me like your husband enjoys the attention. No, he's not going to tell the female soldier to stop. He likes it that she's fawning all over him and your husband is letting her get away with disrepecting you. Your husband needs to grow up and be a man for you. And the more you involve yourself in this situation, the bigger your husband's ego is going to get. Believe me, there is NO man that special. I wouldn't give this Army Brat free rent in my head and don't go to the Commander. It will only make you look like a jealous, insecure person. My daughter's husband is in the Army and almost the exact same situation took place. My daughter is not an insecure person and she just let it ride out. Then the female soldier her husband was in charge of got into trouble by not following orders. My daughter and I secretly laughed our heads off. Now her husband has a whole new outlook on these so called female soldiers. A lot of these women just like to see how much power they can rein over the male soldiers. If the male soldiers have any self respect, they'll know how to address a lot of these problems.
I agree 100%. What made this woman fees she had the right to call this man to ask him to come "alone" to her house to do anything for her? As far as not being the jealous type? You must be…why else check his phone messages, facebook pages etc. Sounds like there's much deeper issues here than meets the eye.
My wife and I have been in the Military for almost 24 years. With our society many young women in the military are either divorced or never had a father figure. My advice is to take the high road and turn this into a positive. First, you are assuming your husband is cheating with this woman? Your husband is giving you full access to his facebook and is not trying to hide anything. Even if they other woman is trying to put a move on your husband she is not a concern if you and your husband are communicating. Why don't you simply go with him and let her know you and he are one? I had a similar young woman who really was very lonely and did not fit in with the other females in my unit. She was sick and needed some meds and called me. We rounded up some over the counter meds and my wife made her a big pot of soup. We took it to her together and she soon started reaching out to both of us and we were able to help her The natural tendency is to shut her off. If you are secure in your self and your marriage you can turn this into a big win and maybe make a new life long friend!! The Warrant…
Personally having had to deal with a situation like this before. I would advise that Angie ask her husband to talk to the female soldier. However, probably with their superior in the room. The need to maintian a working relationship. However, he needs to draw a clear line of inappropriateness that she has crossed. If that does not work then take it further. Not sure on either persons rank but sometimes just having the direct superior in the room will help. I had a similar situation where a female coworker of my husbands developed a crush on him after he helped her. She started sending messages via facebook and phone. The messages were inappropriate. One time in public she came running up to us and actually jumped on my husband and tried to kiss him on the cheek. At this point is when I had a direct conversation with her and involved the Master Chief. My husband was her Chief. When the female coworker does not get it you must take it to the command. Because if he does it alone she can make up whatever she wants. My advise just make the issue knows to the next up in the chain of command.
Hello. My wife has asked me to comment on this as a military commanding officer. I hope not to make the final decision for you. That is something YOU alone must make. However, I will tell you how I have settled problems like this in the past, when a spouse has come to me with such a situation.
My first action has been to call in the "other woman." After I have heard the other side of the story, I bring the soldier in to discuss why this situation has come about. If he is not aware of the situation (occasionally he is not), then it is simply a matter of discussing how he plans to resolve it, and his goals in his resolving it.
However, if he is indeed aware of the conflict, it is a different matter entirely. I do not like being involved in my soldiers' personal matters of this type. I expect the soldier to stop trying to "ride the fence" in order to avoid personal conflict. In this instance, both parties may have a valid point. I'm not there and privy to additional information I would want to make a final determination. But, what I WOULD expect is for that soldier to handle it himself, and then to report to me the outcome. Further, I would want periodic reports from him on any unexpected repercussions or failures. I would make the services of the Chaplains Office, as well as counselling and mediation available to him. Anything in my bag of assets needed would be made available.
Lastly, I would want that soldier to know that should he fail to take proper and immediate actions to solve the problem, then the actions I take to resolve it would likely not shed a favorable light upon him or his career.
I hope this makes the opinion of only one Commanding Officer – others may handle it differently.
I think that is great Sir, but I will say being in a "situation" myself, the best thing to do is "something" as opposed to "nothing" Your red flags are up and you should follow your gut feelings, as they are usually true. Speak to him and if he denies or will not cooperate with you or continues doing things for this other woman against your best judgement, then I would get someone else involved. Who that person is will be up to you.
I am just speaking from experience, save yourself a lot of trouble and heartache dear
Hey, lets get real here. Anything taken to a commander gets documented. Some sort of followup must be indicated for CYA purposes. (Example: aggressive action by any of the three principals in the future) career roadblocky gets two black marks–lack of leadership skills in his private life–possible stalker). His security clearance goes shakey (Could be black mailed over this or future incidents=unoffical). This could be a career killer for either of the service people, or for the marrage. All this becomes part of the strictally unoffical/illegal etc. record that will follow the service members forever.
Angie,
I thinka "everyone" agree's honey.. This is up to your husband, love and friend to stand up and put an END to this very clingy friendship. Nip it in bud as they say. Yes it is past time he tells her good-bye.
I think that this should be dealt with between the husband and wife first, but as far as what some other people are saying, yes fellow soldiers should be able to talk with each other but there is a right and a wrong way…if someone is married, you do not form a personal relationship outside the Army stuff with them unless it involves their wife as well….this day in age people need to be very careful with opposite sex relationships because unfort. people do not respect other's marriages anymore. If this can not be dealt with outside of the army and the female keeps contacting the husband after he has asked her not to, then yes go up the chain of command. There needs to be more rules put into place that deals with opposite sex soldiers talking to one another so if they ever get deployed there are fewer chances of cheating going on.
This issue essentially boils down to personal relationships. A wife wants her husband to stop talking to another woman, he won't and she wants to find a way to make him stop (at this stage, by using his commander to do her bidding).
As a commander, I have seen this situation before and it's none of my business. Until the line of "good order and discipline" is crossed, my Marines conduct outside of work is none of my business…please don't try to make it so. I have personal and family relationships I have to maintain; I'm not interested in maintaining yours. The issue is whether the husband has respect for his wife's wishes and whether her concerns are valid; is she over-reacting? That's always debatable when only one version of events is heard. Unless there is an affair and it's an affair between members of the same unit (prejudicial to good order and discipline) or an improper fraternizing relationship between members of different ranks, this is strictly a personal issue between a wife, her husband, and a third wheel.
The commander is no the wife's "big stick." He can't legally do a thing about it…nor should he. Leave the commander out of it.
Well…. I was in the exact same situation "as her husband" Now I have been happily married to the "female soldier" That I worked with. It did start off as friends because we were both married to other people and both of our spouses could see it and we didnt. This went on for a few years of being "best friends" Then both or our marriages went down hill and now we have been happily married for years. (kind of a what came first situation, did we fall in love because we were friends when our relationships went down hill. Or did our relationships go down hill because we fell in love?) Either way I am extremely happy now.
I have been a military spouse for thirty years and I have been in this type situation before. Calling the Commander should not be an option for you, your husbands needs to take care of the situation with the woman. Sometimes our husbands are too sensitive to other women' feelings especially when the woman appears to be in distress. He will need to take a firm stand and if this does not work, then he can contact the Commander. This should not be your role.
I've been in a situation like this, and in efforts to give out some pointed advice. I would suggest that you first address the situation with your husband. This is a job for him being that he allows this woman in y'all's life. She's not having a conversation with herself. Your husband is feeding that relationship (not trying to say it in a bad way). If you call the commander on her and she is remotely shady she could make life difficult for your husband by turning the accusations on him or whatever else she could do. Don't circumvent your hubby, let him exercise his married muscles and handle this.
In my opinion, your husband should be the one doing all the work in this situation. This is a relationship introduced to you guy's dynamic by him. A part of his job description as your spouse is to make you comfortable even with his relationships. If he decides to be inactive on this situation, then you have a problem with him, not that woman.
On a side note, I think this woman needs to be cut off if she thinks she can disrespect you, directly, and still continue in a friendship with your husband. If this were me, my husband would have hell to pay for continuing in a relationship like that. At that point, not only would she be disrespecting me but he would be as well.
Leave the commander out of this. Your hubby has a chance to further strengthen your trust and love in him by handling this by himself.
Lastly, the inclusion of each other in you guy's opposite sex relationships would eliminate a lot of grief like this and potential problems. Sometimes it gets hard when your spouse is the servicemember and works with the opposite sex, but I don't consider that a awesomely good excuse, and think that there can be something worked out.
First off that is how most affairs start in the military between soldiers. Report the stuff to his commander they probably won't do anything unless he is her immediate supervisor. By the way a lot of soldiers remove wedding rings while at the rang and other activities. I've lived it so take the action you think is neccessary and make him aware that you do not like it. There may be more going on than you know.
Talk with your husband about it and ask him to involve his first line supervisor. That should fix the problem. If he "mans up" like some of the advice listed above she may go to the chain of command and say he's coming after her or creating an unhealthy environment. As a commander yes I look out for the unit like some are saying, but if we do not care for the Soldier and their families…after time I wouldn't have a unit. If using his leader does not go well, get the CDR or the 1SG involved. That's why we are here. Each branch of service does things a little different; there is no 100% right answer. I recently had a wife contact me for the same type of problem. A simple move of this female Soldier from one platoon to another fixed the problem. I did not need to use any NJP/ART 15, it was drama free, and had no finger pointing. Just because you involve the chain of command does not mean that something bad is going to happen to those involved.
This type of friendship between your husband and the female soldier is inappropriate and should be dealt with before it progresses any further. If you and he are on the same page about this then he needs to let her know that. Saying he doesn't want to get involved leads me to believe he is in some way encouraging her communications. I would be hurt if my husband knew someone was disrespecting me and didn't do anything to stop it. Your husband needs to stand up for you and your marriage. Going to the command will only fuel her fire.
Have experienced this a few times with my husband, both inside and outside of the military, the first situation was so emotionally draining that I had a real breakdown and it was between him and a female soldier he worked with who was also married. Several other affairs outside of the military occurred, but he kept seeing and communicating with this soldier and never stopped. We're still married today, but separated and starting divorce proceedings soon. Do I think he will ever stop dealing with her? Absolutely not. All I can say is that "the other person" can only go as far as your spouse allows and spouses get real quiet when they are called on their action/lack of action. I went to his command only after years of the disrespect and abandonment. They both denied everything even though I had pictures, letters, hotel receipts, everything. I was numb by the time the other affairs started. My best advise is to have your husband handle it and only get his command involved if you, your kids, or your finances are being affected. If you have spoken to him and made him understand and it still continues, there is nothing his command can do. One thing I have learned is that where there is a will, there is a way.
Whatever you do, put a stop to this other woman being in contact with your husband. If she makes advances to him and he rejects her, she will probably start lying on him and could really wreck his career. Believe me, I've lived through a situation like this before.
Been there, doing that… when the woman suddenly becomes the topic of conversation there is more to it than he'll admit. Not the jealous type either, but when it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck… time for that duck to fly south before it becomes a problem in your marriage. Make it very clear to your husband that you want their budding friendship to end and that it IS an issue for you, even if he down plays the situation. End the text, end the e-mail, end the facebook friends. There is no reason for her to be that close to a married man that she wasn't that close to years earlier. Professional only or nothing at all. After people have been married a while they tend to take each other's needs for granted somewhat, even if they are happily married. Women can play the needy card to a man that likes to be flattered or feel like he is needed. Befor you know it, she is making more demands on his time and taxing his marriage. Its all down hill from there is it isn't stopped. Even the most apprently trustworthy man can fall into this and crush his wife's trust forever. Don't let it happen. Your gut instinct is telling you the truth Angie.