To Guard Spouse Lacey Vermeulen:
All I know about you I learned in a few minute news story that’s been making its way around Facebook this week. When the Army pulled your National Guard husband’s mid-tour leave from Kuwait you were understandably upset. But I think someone needs to tell you what you didn’t know before you worked with your local upstate New York news station to do a story about it.
I’m not going to lie; when I first read the story a part of me thought that maybe it was a joke – a satire piece that belongs on Duffel Blog or The Onion, perhaps. “Local Army Wife Demands Answers After Husband Denied Leave.” Really? Surely no one could seriously be this surprised by the military changing their mind about leave. And no news outlet would honestly do a story about it with the proper tone of shock and dismay that TV news folks seem to specialize in.
But you were all very serious. You saw this typical move by the Army as a cruel injustice.
But you got me thinking. There once was a time when I, too, was a young and innocent Army spouse. I didn’t know that the Army did silly things like saying they would do something really nice for me, and then doing the exact opposite … but only after I had made major plans around their promises. I didn’t know that plane tickets or even childbirth usually doesn’t mean anything to The Powers That Be. I didn’t know that the only action I could hold the military to is that they will, without fail, not do what they say they are going to do. And I didn’t know not to believe my husband was coming home until I actually laid eyes on him.
Someone had to teach me this stuff. It took a community of other military spouses to help me buck-up and learn that the title of “Army Spouse” comes with not just an expectation but with the survival requirement of courage, strength and sacrifice.
As a National Guard spouse you may feel very isolated and alone. But there is a huge world out there of support for spouses just like you – both here on SpouseBuzz and through other social media outlets. We’ve all been there, we all know how lonely the nights are and how hard it is to explain to your child why Daddy isn’t home.
Your news story misstep — and it was a misstep — will probably lead to some not nice things from parts of the spouse community. Because you didn’t know this is normal some of those Facebook military spouse troll pages will probably call you names. Others will tsk-tsk over the local news doing yet another story that makes military spouse look like complainers. That kind of thing really annoys some people.
But I hope you see this letter and know that the thousands of people reading it can also remember when they, too, didn’t know the rules of military life. And I hope that through this you find the camaraderie and commiseration you seem to need.
Next time instead of the local news, who probably won’t do you a lick of good (even though it may feel like they did), hang out with us and be comforted by the knowledge that we’ve been there, we’ve done it – and we know it sucks.
About Amy Bushatz
Comments
Unfortunately this wife is not alone! My husband's Guard unit is currently deployed and there are a number of wives/family/girlfriends who seem to think that they are the first to go through any of this. I tried to tell them to not put all their eggs in any basket the Guard gives them. To simply keep on keeping on until he steps off that plane into your arms. I remind them they may not have signed up to be a Guard member but they signed up for the responsibility when they became the significant other of a Guardsmen! The choices these people have made and expectations they have are enough to make a great Lifetime Movie! I do feel for her husband and any possible backlash he may experience for this publicity!
Same here. My husband used to be active duty Army, and this is our 2nd deployment. The first was to Iraq when he was AD. Now he's serving in the NG and was recently deployed. I have come across quite a few, in fact, I deal with one all the time, who do not know the "rules of engagement" and are shocked that the military will not let their husband come home for baby births, deaths, R&R, or just because. Come on, people, seriously…this is the U.S. GOVERNMENT! They never do anything they say they will do. You should not be surprised when they don't care how you feel about not seeing your spouse.
Until I see evidence to the contrary, I'm inclined to think that we should cut her some slack. Frankly, National Guard family members tend to be EXTREMELY isolated – even more than active duty members in a lot of cases. It's easy for those of us who are active duty spouses or who are veterans of many deployments to judge. It's easy for all of us to say, "They promised him leave and she BELIEVED them? LOL!" But she probably didn't know better.
Here's my question: Why did she feel the need to go to the media in order to get some "answers"? Most of us would go to our FRG, but I'm willing to bet that either she didn't know how to get in touch with her FRG or she doesn't even HAVE a functional FRG (that seems to be a common problem in Guard/Reserve units). So if I had questions & had no FRG & couldn't get in touch with my husband, I'd call my husband's unit; maybe somebody on Rear D had some news. Why didn't she do that? She probably had no idea who to call, so she went to the media. So what we really have here is one of two things: either she was out of the loop (which, frankly, is her husband's fault; he should've let her know who to contact before he left) or there isn't a very supportive and informative support structure in her husband's unit (which, frankly, is the fault of the unit's command).
I've met some brand new Army spouses who have done some incredibly stupid things, like calling the command with a question because they actually BELIEVED that, "Call me if you have any questions," tripe that was on the form letter they received. Or calling to complain to a spouse's supervisor because the spouse wasn't granted leave in BCT to come home for a birth. Or very vocally complaining on Facebook about how her husband's Sgts are @!*$!'s. But it is up to us as more experienced spouses to teach these newbies what to do and what NOT to do.
I don't know her, but I know another wife from that unit. Every MAN should get busted, since they told the girls to go to the news. I'm a Guard wife and know much better, but possible from being raised military. Either way, she made the Army, the Guard and we local wives look horrible.
I may get bashed but I rather him stay theier until his tour is completed. It confuses my boys more when he comes home and their are more questions like dady are you here to stay. So I would rather him finish his tour and not cause more conffusion in our home. As a wife and mother I understand both sides.
Sometimes I feel the same way. My husband travels a LOT. The Army will send him away for a week, then home for two days, then away for two weeks, then home for a few days, then gone for a few days…. it's really rough on our kids. I've often wondered aloud about the possibility of him going to all of the "away" places in a row….
I'm having trouble with her going to the media in the first place. Yeah, I get she's a newbie and doesn't understand that the military can change it's mind as much as they want and we just have to suck it up, but what was she hoping to accomplish by contacting the news? Does she think the Army will say "oh, my bad, he can go on leave now." Where is the consideration for the big picture and that the Army probably has a good reason for keeping her husband where is is. The military's mission is not to make our lives miserable. Also, if they are planning to shorten the total deployment time, it would make sense that they wouldn't see the necessity for the 2 week R & R that has been the standard for the 1 year deployments. Just because she's isn't an active duty spouse doesn't excuse her lack of common sense by assuming that an entity as large as the military will bend because her and her daughter are experiencing hurt and disappointment.
I just don't understand how she is completely alone. I've been a guard spouse for roughly 10 years, and even in my newbie stage, far away from anything, I wasn't alone. I know I shouldn't assume negative. But I want to assume that she didn't know, and didn't care and simply wanted to be on the news. I also hold her husband partially responsible. He should have known and conveyed it in a way better way then he obviously did.
Rheanna– I have been a Gaurd spouse for five years and sat threw deployments and schools and whatnot. My husband is an AGR, which is Active Duty Guard. BUT… I do not know how you can say you don't see how she is completely alone. During my husbands deployments there is no such thing as an FRG, spouse and family military support or communities are jokes, and we are all so spread out across the state, that I was the only spouse from my husbands unit in my entire city. She easily could have been entirely alone. Regardless, going to the media was beyond a rookie mistake. It made her and her spouse and the Guard appear in a negative light… not okay. Ever.
I think my response to her was pretty positive. Some of the wives I think from her NG unit commented on my post and frankly they said it was about a policy and more then the leave. All I am saying is this if it was truly about another "agenda" then they picked the wrong person to represent them on the news. She complained more about the deployment and her kid missing daddy then she did about the actual leave which was supposed to be the issue at hand.
Not necessarily – I’ve worked at a tv news station and seen the editing thus done. Just because that’s they showed doesn’t mean that’s all she said. But I know you already know that :)
hmmm I obviously shouldn't comment from my iphone anymore.
There is an abundance of resources and support for the NG. All she had to do was get on the internet and look around or ask! Her husband should have helped her look for the resources available to her to help her cope with her disappointment; be it the FRG or FROA. Going to the media wasn't the right answer, IMO. Okay… that's my two cents.
I don't disagree with you. But what I've found is that a lot of people are not very computer-literate. They don't always know how to look for resources or what resources are available, and a lot of times there's a lot of intimidation and a lot of not knowing how to get the answers. How many times have we ALL called Tricare to get an appointment and been told that the earliest they can see our vomiting 1-year-old is in TWO WEEKS! Now most of us know that you don't accept that as an answer. You call back. You ask to speak to a supervisor. You call the Patient Advocate. You call your medical team directly and talk to the nurse. In other words, you go around the unhelpful bureaucrat and keep asking until you get someone who can give you the answers you need. But what happens if you DON'T know that? I've encountered new wives who have taken their children to an off-post urgent care facility (and paid HUNDREDS of dollars out of pocket) because the first person they called at Tricare stonewalled them on an appointment.
The same is true in this situation. Yes, all she had to do was look around or ask. But there's a very good chance that she may not have known WHO to ask or WHERE to start looking. I may be wrong and she may just be a whiner, but I've seen a lot of Guard & Reserve family members who didn't have the slightest clue where to look for answers to their questions, especially if they live far from where their unit is based and don't know many of the other wives.
I guess what I'm saying is, why did she feel the need to go to the media? She said at one point in one interview I saw that she wanted answers. Why was she unable to get those answers through her FRG or her unit leadership? That's the question I'm wondering about.
I disagree that her husband should have had to help her find these resources. I've always been the one doing research for my family, and really only have involved my husband when he was still my fiance and I'd get the run-around. He has enough to worry and think about getting ready for a deployment or TDY without having to be concerned that I can't handle things at home.
check facts please… maybe there are resources for your nat'l guard spouse and you in your state, but not all. If you are not nat'l guard at all, please do not assume. In my state there is no such thing as the FRG or an FROA… There are no military hospitals, family groups, or anything of that sort. We are so spread out that while my husband was deployed, I was the only spouse or family member from his entire unit in our entire city.
I'm a rather cynical wife when it comes to someone boo-hooing and I'm sure I'll get a lot of flack for this. I understand her disappointment, but going to the media? The first thing I learned when I married the Army/military was never expect anything. My husband is on his 2nd deployment in two years. So much for that two year break in between! I'm just excited he won't be gone for 12 months this time. Some of the blame falls on her husband for not getting her contact info for the FRG or Rear D if she had questions. The rest falls on her for not asking. Like I said I'm cynical. I've seen too much in the last two years.
It's part of the package that comes with being in the military. But, thank you so much for not bashing her, but just providing a better point, which is that we need to support each other. Her FRG leadership should have reached out to her, if she has one…so much can happen with dialogue and understanding.
What I see in this situation is the lack of a good mentor in her life. Another military spouse who has experience and is willing to teach others by mentoring them as they navigate the ups and downs of being a military spouse. We all know why we wouldn't have gone to the media, but she truly may not have known why she shouldn't do something like this or understood the FULL impact of going to the media about this matter. I am NOT defending her actions by any means. But I've seen a lot of nasty postings on several different forums directed toward this woman, calling her names like "b***h" and "c**t". However, it does us all a disservice to call her nasty names and be so mean about it. That fixes nothing, only makes the spouse in question angrier and more defensive, doesn't teach her anything useful (it does teach her the hatefulness of others, however) and doesn't help her in the future. But I feel like this situation could have been prevented with the help of her fellow military spouses. Even now that the cat is out of the bag, if someone pulled her aside and perhaps offered her some kind advice and some understanding, it might help her down the road and her actions won't be repeated. The most basic human need of all is to be heard. Clearly she felt no one was listening. But it doesn't have to be that way. If someone had been listening to her … mentoring or coaching or teaching her, this could have been prevented and there would be less hate. I am well aware that we don't all have mentors … someone who came before us who could help lead the way …. most of us had to figure it out for ourselves … trial by fire. Some of us read books or were lucky enough to have kind husbands who took the time to explain things for us. And others of us simply made/make the big mistakes anyway, fall flat on our faces, get up, move on and hopefully learn something from the experience AND hopefully had someone who was kind and understanding of our frustrations and wasn't hateful to us when we made the big mistake. What she did was wrong, but hating and name calling isn't going to help her or solve the larger problem that she creates for herself down the road. It will only make her angry and defensive. I do hope she will learn from this experience. She felt she wasn't being heard and maybe she didn't know any other way to be heard.
She DOES need a mentor, so badly, because she’s going to learn the hard way that if you bunk the chain of command, her husband is going to see the repercussions and put further stress/tension on their marriage. Going to the media was a big lose situation, and sadly she didn’t realize that there’s an extensive community of people who’ve ALL been there.
I am a guard wife and can understand being isolated and not knowing where to go. But I put a lot of responsibility on the husband here because it is his job to talk to her about her resources and what are appropriate behaviors and what aren’t. My husband taught me to always expect the worst, but hope for the best.
I too am a guard wife and I felt totally isolated during my husband’s year-long deployment. Because we live far away from the metropolitan area my husband is assigned to, my family was often forgotten when it came to FRG activities or support services. I know I should have been more proactive in getting involved, but it was hard to really know where to start. Because my husband went in at the age of 35, I feel like people assume we should already know everything because we are older.
I feel bad for her husband, he is probably getting a lot of crap over this. My husband would die of embarassment if I did anything like that. I also feel bad for her that she felt the media was the only way to deal with this. We are a navy family but deployment is deployment, was there no contact made to her by other spouses before they left?? I hope she did not do this just for attention. Every daddy misses their kids and every kid misses thier daddy (and mommy's too). Sometimes we feel like we deserve the "I had a worse day that everyone else" medal but we can't be acting like this. I hope her husbands command has found someone to contact her to help her out.
I don't know her, but I know another wife from that unit. The GUYS told them to go to the news and they both did, but the girl in the story was contacted by the media first. I was in contact with the other wife and tried to explain the inadvisability and fallout from this move before it happened. Her statement to me was "I won't let some bully (NCO) punish my husband for my actions." At that point, I felt that experience would be a more effective teacher…..
Call me mean, but seriously????? The military has a job…mission first, wives don’t rate in mission accomplishment. Then again I’m a rarity, I am 3rd generation lifer dependent. I grew up learning all of this from the cradle and went out of my way to avoid the FRG, but that is because I was lucky enough to know the info I needed to have and self reliant enough to handle lifes curves balls. I understand I’m a rarity and most spouses benefit from FRG/ key wives etc but I really feel for both the NG and AD units who have crappy support systems in place. I managed to be pregnant, deliver and raise our son for the 1st year solo thanks to Astan. So my level of tolerating whining is extremely low since the fine print on the “married 2 military unknown contract” says suck it up buttercup n put on ur big girl panties. But for the newbie wife of topic hopefully she learned what not to do in the future n her husband and unit learned a better communication/ phone tree plan. Wish her n the newbies luck.
I am a Army National Guard wife and understand the frustration of having a deployed husband and father. The military does what they want and change plans without considering the soliders famlies feelings. I do not live on post nor do I have any family near me but my nieghbors have came together as a huge support for me and our children. When our soldiers sign up for the military they have a commitment to our coyntry and do not need any distractions from back home. Ye
Yes this girl is naive, but cruelty and superiority isn't going to do her any favors. This is the major problem in the "community" of "support" I have encountered as a newer military spouse. Regardless of her mistake, how much could criticizing her error do to help the girl? Would not our time and efforts be better spent encouraging her instead of riding the over-reaction bandwagon?
Blair– you are very true… there is definitely an air of superiority surrounding many wives who feel that they have 'been there and done that'. Not to mention, Active Army wives sometimes have no concept of how out of touch some Guard units are with support programs and communities within the families. When my spouse was deployed, I had to work to find my own support network. It was hard to find, but in the end I had one because I found my own and did the work to create it. Long story short, belittling will not educate this wife who made a 'serious' mistake.
Okay, I've been a National Guard wife and a Marine wife, and i honestly can't say I feel any sympathy for this chic. In fact, I honestly want to just roll my eyes in front of her and tell her to grow up, stop whining and get over it. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I live near a Marine Corps base, and I have friends whose husbands deploy on a regular basis, like home for six gone for six. We all have to learn to live with it. Husbands miss birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, even births. It's military life. I guarantee you she has some type of support where she is, and if she's lacking in support as a military wife, this is the information age. There's this thing called the internet that you can find anything on, like support for military families with deployed husbands/fathers. Heck, watch an episode of Army Wives. When I watched her news story, my first thought was, "What makes you think that you're any more special than the rest of us that you can call and whine when he doesn't get leave?" Get over yourself and welcome to military life.
Deployed to Kuwait – oohhhh, how frikking rough!!! Did you think he signed up to do riot control at the local prison or flood cleanup down the river. Why do ya think the (real) Army gives them tanks and rifles, to fill sand bags or something – welcome to the military!!
I guess OIF and OEF have been a wake up call for the Guard, eh???
The National Guard, any branches' reserves and the Coast Guard have all been impacted by these world events. There is not one branch of the military that has not felt the effects of 9/11. Families across the nation are struggling with deployments, extensive training, "missions", and other events that take a family member from home. Not one branch is more "soft" than the other although some get newer, more shiny equipment while others get the "hand me downs". I live in an area where EVERY branch is represented. EVERYONE in this community is impacted. The casual "ribbing" of one branch by another is expected, but outright disrespect for one another is deplorable.
Just an FYI, thousands and thousands more National Guard and Reserve soldiers have served in Afghanistan and Iraq than Active Military branches. The reason the Guard is having such a time of it, is they have no support networks, many communities do not have military hospitals or other facilities ready for guard/reserve use, and the soldiers are not supported when they leave and then return. The government has cut funding to the active branches and therefore they have not had sufficient enlistment of manpower in years. The guard has had to carry all of the slack throughout these wars. Not to mention, everything they get to use is hand-me-downs. My husbands unit replaced and active duty one in Iraq and they did everything those soldiers had done and they did it for a year. Guard works the same, bleeds the same, sacrifices the same as active duty. With so much war and devastation so constantly for so long, the Guard has functioned more and more like active military than ever… they just still lack the support. People need to remember that Guard/Reserve/Active all train at basic and AIT together in the same way. Grow up… it is not a pissing competition.
We had the exact same situation in SC about three weeks ago. I think it is a generation issue. The younger women run to the media because they have learned that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. What they are not prepared for is the backlash that comes with being squeaky. My area of SC has all branches of the military represented but it is our National Guard families that are impacted by the longest deployments. Running to Channel 4 News gets less sympathy and sometimes outright ridicule from the community. This would be a great opportunity for family members to get together and send a special care package to the soldiers as I am sure they are just as disappointed about the cancelled leave time. A soldier asks their family to be strong and maintain a constant state of flexibility. It is not easy and often inconvenient, but it is for those that we love.
Why is the Nationl Guard getting deployed? They should stay in the Nation where they belong.
Tell the government that. At the height of OEF/OIF, National Guard was 70-80% of all deployed troops. I don't know the percentage now, but its still high. My husband is training for his 5th deployment, with one of 12 SCNG units that are training currently.
I have to say that I am disgusted that a new station went against the rules that are in place for media stories on military issues that involve OPSEC. I hope that SOMEONE gets in trouble for running this story!!!
Boo hoo hoo… I'm so sock of whining "weekend warriors" warriors and their dependents. The only good thing that came out of activating the Reserves and National Guard was the fact that with all their whining after getting activated and actually having to face the problems that active duty military have to live with and face on a daily basis….it got the medias attention. Welcome to the "Real Army" people. "If you can't run with the big dogs….stay on the porch".
Really??? I HATE the term 'weekend warrior" to begin with but your tone is worse. There is no weekend to it. I've been with my 'ww' for 5 years and he's been home for a little more that 2 and fixing to deploy again. This 'whining dependent' had our daughter 10 days after he deployed, with my family 18 hours away and was fine. That left me with 2 teen stepkids, a 5 year old and a brand new baby, on my own, away from family and no friends. Guess what? I didn't go to the media, didn't lose any of the kids and kept my marriage strong. Care packages went out every paycheck and I fixed whatever broke at the house. During the height of OIF/OEF, National Guard was 70-80% of ALL deployed troops and we have buried our fair share. Same blood price for freedom, same grieving families left behind. Learn some respect!
Not even joking as soon as I finished typing that I got a text, "I have CQ tonight." Even though he is in school and has class tonight. I better alert the media.
Which is part of my point. She was not looking for help. If she had come to you, you would have pointed her in the right direction. Google "National Guard Spouses" and I am sure more than one of the sites can help you get where you need to go (fyi this website comes up second on the list). She took the time to contact a news station but couldn't take 0.2 seconds to google? Come on.
I take that back, after the "advertisements" this site comes up first.
My father texts from Afghanistan and my husband could text from Iraq. It depends on the command a lot of times and whether or not satellite and global cellphones have been banned or blacked out.
You do not need a cell phone to send a text message you can use the internet. by going to the phone carriers website and the cell phone number you can send a text message to any phone.