A male military spouse was recently stranded in Hawaii after he was denied boarding for a military hop on its way to Japan because his name was on the “no-fly” list. He had gotten as far as the island in an attempt to visit his Japan-based wife. He was not accused of any crime, just listed by Homeland Security as not permitted to fly. After a few days he was removed from the list without explanation.
I can imagine how this would go for me. “But I’m a military spouse!” I would be tempted to say. “I have a DoD ID! And I’m on my way to see my spouse who I haven’t seen in oh, so long. Because he’s serving. So pretty, pretty please, let me on that plane.”
“Military spouse” means I’m trustworthy, right? It means I’m serving my country by supporting a war fighter, right? And it definitely means I don’t belong on the no-fly list … right?
Which all sounds great, until the agent says “that doesn’t matter,” and walks away.
Because when it comes down to it, being a military spouse doesn’t actually make me all that special.
We’ve talked about this before here on SpouseBuzz: being a military spouse does not mean you are entitled to jack diddly squat. Or even that you’re extra awesome. Or even that you’re trustworthy.
It just means that you married someone in the military. So congrats on that!
Which is sad. Because I like feeling special.
I’ll admit it: not feeling entitled is something of a battle — because it’s easy for me to slip into feeling like I am. Just to be clear: I know I’m not entitled, but it’s easy to feel like I am.
Maybe it’s that society has taught us to be that way by their generosity towards military families, or that we see our spouse on the receiving end of the gift of thanks and it’s so easy to think “hey, thank me, too!” After all, I am the one who stays home alone with screaming children for months on end while he does the country’s bidding, right? I am the one who has to deal with appliances that magically break for absolutely no reason the moment he gets on a plane.
But this is the beauty of an all-volunteer force and the glorious, free country in which we live: my husband chose to be in the military and I chose to be a military spouse. I am owed nothing. I am entitled to nothing.
Spouses who forget these facts are not just irritating — they make the rest of us look bad. Every year during the Sears Heroes at Home registration, a small but vocal group make a scene, complaining that the system is down and forgetting that none of this is something they deserve. And it’s embarrassing to the those who see these gift drives as a humbling reminder that America has not forgotten our families.
Since we last wrote about this issue we have seen the support from the White House towards military families in the form of “Joining Forces” increase. We have seen society step-up to give military families a helping hand. Every week we receive casting calls and inquiries from producers looking to feature military families, often just to thank them for what they do. I’d say military family support is even at a recent history high.
But we must be careful lest the feelings of entitlement rise along with it.
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"being a military spouse does not mean you are entitled to jack diddly squat. Or even that you’re extra awesome. Or even that you’re trustworthy.
It just means that you married someone in the military".
This says it all. When a milspouse says that they deserve something because they stand by and support their servicemember (SM) , I think "well, that's what you would do for any person you married regardless of their occupation". I don't see this life as a series of sacrifices. I see it as a trade-off of accepting circumstances so that I can have the man I love be a part of my life. Sure, military life is difficult, but it is worth it because my husband is worth it.
continuation:
I support what he does because I love him. I don't see it as a patriotic contribution. No matter what he chose or chooses to do with his life, I will always support him. I don't deal with military life because of love for country, even though I believe this country is the best place to be, I do it for my husband. So, when it comes to feeling special because I am a milspouse, I don't get it. I also don't get the sense of entitilement or expecting special treatment because of who I married. This is the life I chose and this is the life that I am thankful for every day.
Awesome post The Sears things always leaves a bad taste in my life when Milspouses start complaining about an extremely nice thing that is being done for them. It drives me bonkers when they think theyre entitled to things or deserve things simply because or their informal title. Great post!
If you think you don't feel entitled to anything as a military spouse, try being a same-sex military spouse: http://www.armytimes.com/news/2011/07/ap-gay-mili…
AMEN DEE! My partner just got back from his second middle east deployment in 2 years…. and I had to be escorted onto base just for his home coming. We dont get BAH, Sep pay, Tricare, nothing. we are like every other working class family. And the whole "heros at home"….. OH MAN, dont get me started. I am a Sears Employee, I love my job, and I love my company for the military support, even beyond the heros at home program. They even gave me vacation time when my partner came home from his last deployment. but, if I have to see one more milspouse complaining that their gift card is taking too long to go through…. I JUST MIGHT SCREAM!
I love that you are here reading this and voicing your side of this. Keep it coming and keep reminding our readers about this. I have most certainly not forgotten. Thank you for standing by your servicemembers. You guys are my heroes.
Are military spouses entitled to anything?
Well not to things. Not to tangible, I-can-touch-that kinds of things. But to an atta-girl from time to time, to extra hugs during a deployment cycle (not JUST when he’s gone), but for those harrowing days and weeks and sometimes rough months after he returns, too.
We deserve the recognition for our struggles, for our awareness to the dangers of our husband’s occupations, and to living with the reality that he may not come home this time. That his teammate(s) may not make it back with him, and what this will do to him, forever.
Unlike our civilian counterparts, we live every day with the sensitivity and acute realization that our husband’s jobs irrevocably change their lives, every day that they put on their boots. That who we send off to work one day will not be the same man who comes home to us.
We do deserve something from this “grateful nation.” We stand proud behind our men, because we love them fiercely, and because we believe in what they have chosen to do. Theirs is not simply a job, it is a commitment to duty and honor. We deserve to have their sacrifices respected, and those sacrifices often times means us, their families.
So no, not entitled. But deserving, yes. Yes, we are. Every one of us.
Judging by the tone of the post, I wonder what your feelings are towards a Milspouse who gloms on to half the Servicemember's retired pay simply because the spouse "was there" during the entire 20 (or more) years?
Don't get me wrong. I'm all for some sort of benefit for my spouse, but I EARNED that pension myself and don't feel that judges should be allowed to give half (or more) to my spouse 'just because'.
Same happens in civilian life. Get over it.
No, civilian pensions do NOT get divided as property. Only money saved in retirement funds, IRAs, 401Ks, etc… does. That's because it is currently held marital funds. Civilian pensions are properly viewed as future earnings, and not property. Only military pensions are divided up this way.
I actually know that guy from another forum. He is in a doomsday prepper/militia group and a critic of the 9/11 Commission findings. A DHS agent infiltrated the group and was busted when he followed the DHS agent back to his office. He believes the DHS got the license # off his car and he ended up on the No Fly list as a result. Also the military uses a different No Fly data base state side than the Fed's do.
The fact that he was taken off the list after some calls to his state politicians shows the bogus reason for having him on the list in the first place.
Alot of spouses do get a sense of entitlement attitude. The "half my pension" issue is a hot button one. I got hit with it for being married to my spouse for 14 of my 24 yrs of active duty. Her lazy non-working butt got rewarded for destroying my credit and draining our investment accounts while i was deployed.
I think this is a complex issue that actually needs a more in depth evaluation. Once upon a time, the actual size of the standing military was small and when there was war, it was a burden that most families in the country shouldered together. Back then, being a military family member was nothing special.
The military has evolved into an all-volunteer force and service members and their families have had to face challenges that past military families have not. 1% of citizens serve in the armed forces now, making what once was a common experience, something that is unique. Military family's now live in the military-civilian divide (nay, gulf) on a day-to-day basis year after year. This is at once a recognized and neglected fact. Military families want their sacrifices understood by the general public and they are civilians, but they are not having typical civilian experiences which the military service members often do not understand.
So the question is how do you at once raise awareness and have compassion for these experiences and ask civilians to pitch in and help military families, yet at the same time minimize these experiences and indicate that they are just like everyone else? How do you recognize the sacrifice of military families when unless they self-identify, no one would ever know who they are? Military families are largely invisible, especially if they are not in high military concentration areas.
And doesn't this feed into a larger question about how America addresses it's relationship with the Armed Forces? Are we creating a special class of people-those who wear the uniform? If so, do their families who will be the civilians bearing the primary cost of war need to be in that special class as well? If not, how do you address the sacrifices of military family members?
Because right now, I feel like we are in a realm of profound cognitive dissonance on the issue of the military and it's relationship with the general public. We don't know what to do or think or feel about our veterans and servicemembers. They're heroes, but wait their human and have faults and we don't feel comfortable addressing their humanity. We treat their spouses as being almost an appendage of the military until they ask for benefits to offset the sacrifices of military life and then we complain about their entitled attitude because they are just civilians. It seems to me that we need to be willing to have a discussion of how we see the military in America in the long term before we can address the question of entitlement and military spouses. And frankly, I don't think we're ready to have that discussion.
I think we went of the rails with Vietnam. Our Warriors used to be representatives of their community. Held up in esteem as the strongest and most fit, the ones who were picked practically from birth to do battle when his time came, and to protect and lead in times of peace and prosperity, as well. Their Spouses were matched to these men strength for strength by their Families, to ensure survival of the Family dynamic, and to lead or support a robust, thriving community. It seems as though the entire military complex silo’d itself after Vietnam. Just hunkered down and quietly went about it’s recruiting business and training business and didn’t say much to anyone. No longer an integrated and vital component to it’s immediate civilian community.
Our Warriors are no longer handpicked and developed over time, nor are they matched well with Spouses. We still have wars and crises, but we are scrambling after them, struggling to keep our humanity about us in the process. Being in the military isn't a career – it's a lifestyle choice. It is little understood, and lot underestimated. It would be nice if the military culture and history were taught a little more in our schools, churches, and in the mainstream media – not just on “Army Wives” and violent videogames. And our military complex is trying to do better, it is.
We simply don't "grow" Warriors in our communities anymore. How do you do that when we continue to promote grossly overpaid sports heroes and teenage pop singers as our national idols? We have failed to take responsibility as a nation for our lack of backbone, pointing the finger at our neighbors and government officials instead. No one wants to be blamed as not being “PC.” Well, that idea hasn’t really got us anywhere, now has it? We’ve been so busy being “nice” to each other that we’ve forgotten that we’re allowed to teach our young men and women that it’s okay to stand up for what’s right.
Maybe if military culture and history were taught in HS, a more self-selecting population would gravitate towards college for OCS, or enlistment upon HS graduation? Maybe better matches would be made and stronger marriages forged? There’s a whole trickle down effect here that could be hypothesized, but I can guess one natural consequence might be the end of this dissonance we face today between the military and civilian worlds. The Warrior would once again be recognized for what now he/she can contribute to the immediate civilian community. And the word entitlement could be better used describing a wholly different population.