Since the news broke of Gen. Petraeus’ extramarital affair with Paula Broadwell, the opinions of folks have been flying. There has been a VERY large group of people who are screaming “conspiracy” because of the timing of the announcement and the correlation to the September 11th attack on the Embassy in Benghazi, since General Patraeous was preparing to speak about that attack.
Beyond the conspiracy theorists there has been another group of people saying some things that just bother me. I have heard that “we shouldn’t be shocked because adultry is common place in the military.” I have heard “just another US Military Officer using his power” and that “an example should be made out of him because it seems too often the higher ranking you are the less punishment you face for adultry in the military.”
That one is spoken when no one even knows if he was actually in the military when the affair took place. And if he wasn’t, he did nothing illegal (depending on the state). Just something absolutely and disgustingly immoral.
Another thing I have heard that just bugs the ever-loving-snot out of me is that Mrs. Broadwell, who is a Lt. Col. in the US Army Reserve, “did like all those female soldiers and slept her way to the top.”
Every single one of those things I just mentioned have greatly bothered me. Why? Because in each statement people are being clumped together and stereotyped. And I HATE stereotyping. As I mentioned, if early reports are correct, Gen. Patraeus did not have an affair, David Patraeus, Director of the CIA did. But to say “another Officer abused his power” and that he should be made an example of makes it sound like our military is filled with adulterous men and women. Which isn’t freakin’ true!
Hearing people say Mrs. Broadwell had an affair because “she is another female soldier sleeping her way to the top” COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY pisses me off. That statement makes it sound like “all” female soldiers are trying to hook-up. It’s my opinion that the majority of our female soldiers/sailors/Marines and airmen rarely want anything to do with 99.9 percent of the guys they work with. While the guys may think they are “God’s gift to women,” the ladies see them for who they really are, just a guy they work with.
The one that simply drives me bat crap crazy is that somehow, someway, because David Petraeus WAS in the Army and because Mrs. Broadwell IS in the US Army Reserve, this affair is a “military thing,” because “affairs happen ALL THE TIME IN THE MILITARY.”
I am sorry, but I am so sick and tired of hearing about affairs being so commonplace in the military. Are they? Quite possibly. But in reality, they are happening all around us. Everyday. Everywhere. It happens at WalMart. It happens at IHOP. It happens at Big Joe’s Diner and heck, it even happens in places we wouldn’t expect it to happen like school’s and religious institutions. So yes, affairs happen in the military.
I will admit, I am still relatively new to the military life, but I know of only one person who has had an affair in a military family. Yet I know dozens upon dozens of married adults in my former life, my civilian life, that have had affairs. So it really irks me when stereotyping happens. Especially when such a noble and honorable profession filled with people with high integrity and that possess high moral character are clumped together.
The thing that really gets my goose is that the people who are stereotyping are our peers. It is our military members and MilFamily members who are painting so many in a negative light.
Maybe I wear rose colored glasses. Or maybe I am just a realist. There is not one part of me that can buy into infidelity being a military thing. It is a human nature thing. People have been doing it a lot longer than America has been a country (shall I thump you with a Bible to show you?).
So do me a favor … no … do all of our military families a favor: stop making it out like adultry is a military thing, cuz it’s not. The next time someone says “you know how THOSE Army wives are……” or “downrange is like Vegas, what happens there stays there” or any of those other things that would imply infidelity is as common in the military as trees are in a forrest, stop the person saying that. Whether it’s online or in person, call them out on it.
While nearly all of us knows a “cheater,” it doesn’t matter if you are military or not. And I am honestly tired of hearing that it is.
About Wayne Perry
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Although I see your point of view and believe that not everyone should be clumped into a group because this is now so out there, adultery is a common thing everywhere, not just in the military.
However, based on my 25 years of experience of being a military wife, it has a profound affect on everyone, including those of us who lost their long lasting marriages to adulterous men…. military or not. In my experience, the code of silence between the military personnel is outrageous as I have seen first hand over those twenty five years… and it not only sickens me but reminds me that we are all human and if it's not acceptable to you it shouldn't be for anyone else either. I rarely, if ever, post on blogs… but this just has my blood boiling and thought I'd just chime in for those of us who tried so hard to keep it together only to have other the code of silence be an acceptable form of just "doing your job". Needless to say, I'm now single after all those years of sacrifice because I no longer found it acceptable for myself but for anyone else in my circle. It's now been three years since my marriage ended due to infidelity and regardless of the situation, I don't wish that on anyone… military or not!
I understand your pain, but also agree with the author-being a retired soldier myself who is married to a soldier who has over 22 years, I've seen both the military world and the civilian world now. There is infidelity in both places, IMO, and regardless of which world, it's painful for someone involved. Also, just because you kept that silence does not mean you should have. That was your choice, painful as it was and though you may have felt it was your only choice. The stereotype has to change, and the change begins inside our own ranks.
I am in your same situation. I was so stupid in thinking my husband could be faithful. People should just as you call yourself have a reality check. I am not divorced yet dont know how to let go but i just feel that infidelity in the military is too much
THANK YOU! I am so sick of people asking me if I'm worried that my husband is going to cheat on me while he is deployed! Who asks that? My opinion, yes, divorces happen. Yes, cheating happens. No matter what the spouse's career, your marriage has a lot of work to do to beat the odds. Divorces, cheating, etc. very rarely happen "because of the military". Being a military family is a refiner's fire, so it might speed up the inevitable devise of some marriages, but I rarely think it the sole cause of a divorce. I think most of the people who cheat would have done it eventually, no matter what their job. Slept with a fellow soldier? Probably would be sleeping with your secretary right now if you were an engineer. So no, I'm not more worried that my husband will cheat on me than I would be if he was a schoolteacher, or a police officer. CHEATING IS NOT A MILITARY THING.
Thank you. I've been married to a sailor for six years, and I see red every time some troll posts a smug, nasty comment on a reunion picture.
Do people in this community cheat? Of course, people cheat in every demographic. It may be easier to cheat when a couple is separated by great distances. But the cheating isn't due to separation; it's due to some people being cheating cheaters who cheat, which is a pre-existing condition.
The Liberals are all over this because they hate us with a passion.
I spent 10 years active duty as an officer in the submarine service! In my opinion, it's not about being "military", it's all about individual moral fiber and commitment! I was always flabbergasted at some of my young sailors waving goodbye to their families as we boarded the bus to the airport, only to turn to their shipmate and tell him he couldn't wait to get to Scotland to "get some"! Being separated only provides opportunity, whether it's on deployment or on a business trip! Individuals make the decision to cheat on their spouses!
Infidelity happens when there’s a break-down in the relationship, it has nothing to do with career choice. Civilians tend to see military men as high testosterone guys who are away from home all the time in exotic lands so … Besides, BDUs, boots, a bun, blast glasses, weapons & kevlar ain’t exactly sexy attire for the most part. The next time a civilian has the temerity to question you about fidelity in the military just say you’ll take your chances on a well-trained female soldier/sailor over a mini-skirted, cleavage-showing office mate any day. Let them think about that one.
The author is very fortunate to not have seen epidemic infidelity, but I have more often than I care to admit. In units where families, marriages, and morale were an emphasis, rates were significantly decreased. However, when leadership pushes ethos that disregard basic core values of integrity and honor, infidelity seems practically required. Command needs to set a better example and we need to return to moral high ground.
Yes, all demographics cheat, but per UCMJ we are not allowed to. We are the 1% of the country that is held accountable for our every action. This grave responsibility is what sets us apart from our civilian counterparts because without discipline and accountability, missions do not get accomplished.
I'm a daughter of a Vietnam veteran, an OIF veteran myself, and a military spouse. I appeal to our leaders to take infractions more seriously. Stop allowing infidelity to be a military thing.
I know a woman who claims her husband cheated because of his PTSD. There are plenty of vets with PTSD who do not cheat; so I obviously do not agree with her statement. She labels the women he cheats with as, "women who are "taking advantage of a sick man". In turn, she just harasses the hell out of the women instead of confronting the real issue. Real issue being that cheating goes on in many marriages and I know plenty of men with PTSD who are wonderful faithful men. I really appreciate this story; people with PTSD should not and do not deserve that label.