As soon as the news that CIA Director David Petraeus stepped down due to an extramarital affair, my phone started to ring. My text buzzed and buzzed. Long married military friends shared the link to the story on Facebook to make sure I had seen what happened.
No one was gleeful.
No one was sniffy.
Pretty much I heard how sad people felt. How shocking this was. Is anyone immune from infidelity? Is any marriage safe?
I don’t know. I don’t know General Petraeus. I met his wife Holly exactly twice. So I only know what the world knows: I know that they married 37 years ago when she was the daughter of the superintendant at West Point.I know Holly Petraeus has worked tirelessly for military families, heroically, mostly as a volunteer. I know General Petraeus was likened to Grant, Pershing, Marshall and Eisenhower as one of America’s great battle captains.
Mostly I know that as a couple David and Holly Petraeus were famously united in their support of military families. So how could they stumble? How could they fall?
The world will probably say that this kind of epic fail is inevitable after a couple spends so many years apart due to war.
But we don’t believe in inevitable around here. At SpouseBuzz, we pretty much believe that military couples can love each other through everything, that they can work things out, that you are not a fool to pursue happily ever after with someone in uniform. We see that among our retirees every day.
One of our best resources in finding out how to manage military marriage is by watching other military couples. In the military, we live such similar lives that we know their joys will be our joys. Their temptations will be our temptations. Their problems will be our problems.
We have known for a long time that the two years following the end of a military career are problematic for individuals. Once a person has spent their entire adult life in the military, that becomes part of their identity. Losing that leaves you feeling lost. Like an aging woman notices that men don’t look at her the same way anymore, people who leave the service note that others don’t treat them the same anymore. Its like you left some essential part of yourself behind.
One of the lessons to be gleaned here is that no one is immune to that post-career retooling. Even if you step up into one of the most powerful jobs in the world, you are still changed. You are still a little less yourself. You are capable of exercising what Petraeus called, “extremely poor judgment.”
Life is messy. And people –even people who seem like storybook characters—are not perfect. They fail. The path the Petraeus family is on is all too public. May they work through this with the presence they have brought to the rest of their lives. And may they go with our best wishes.
About Jacey Eckhart
Comments
Bottom line, he allowed himself to give into his desires for an attractive woman who looks nothing like his wife. There are obvious differences here, and no that is no excuse for his infidelity, but, it is what it is. He was the
General at Fort Campbell when my husband was stationed there. The man was never home, and obviously when he was he was not nurturing his marriage. With this said, it really is none of our business and I think it is shameful that he chose to announce it as he has. This has been incredibly disrespectful to his wife in my opinion.
Totally, totally agree Heather. I also question, through my long life's experience as a 74 year old, that this is the first dalliance the general has enjoyed. I also find it interesting that his mea culpa included a sudden realization that he was doing something against the (official) policy of the CIA and the marriage vows he took so long ago. Most of these guys only come to that shocking mind set after they have been found out.
So sad on so many fronts.
What really makes me angry as a woman and wife, though, is that we almost never hold “the other woman” accountable for their part in these affairs. Certainly she knew he was married, and yet selfishly she also allowed herself to be a part of it. When are we women going to start standing up for the marriages of other women and leave married men alone?
No one twisted his arm and made him cheat. It was his decision and his responsibility.
The FBI had known about this for awhile. His biographer had gotten into his email account. She had sent threatening emails to another woman (the wife?) who was fearful enough to notify the Feds. The Feds were worried about a security leak. When they started checking his emails, they discovered some of a sexual nature between him and his biographer and some between them where they tried using a code. The Obama admin knew about this but they wanted to hold off on it till after the elections.
Although it may look obvious what happened, none of us will really know. Sadly, people are unfaithful in and out of the military. What's really stunning to me is that the head of the CIA didn't think he'd get caught. That someone who works in the espionage business didn't have enough sense to realize people were watching the two of them. How can a man who's wife stood by him all these years, who has our nation's security at his fingertips be foolish enough to engage in such a worthless affair? I'm so disappointed.
My whole problem is not the fact that he had the affair, not that his mistress is a fantasy of his, but the disrespect that it shows to all military wives! You look up to someone like the General to lead our spouses in the right direction. Not just in combat but as an ideal soldier. How can you be that hypocrite when you have someone on the side?! I feel incredibly embarrassed by what they did to that poor woman! I hope that she comes out of this okay!!
And he could have kept his pants zipped. I get hit on all the time. I don't cheat. It's that simple.
People can speculate all they want about the actions of these people. No one really knows the reality of other people's relationships. It is not up to us to make determinations on who is held accountable or what happens next. It is between him and his wife. They will make their decisions. Yes, he made it public. But we do not know why he did so, if his wife was informed of (and a part of) that decision, or he just wanted it out there, done with, and take the consequences as they come. It is none of our business what happens in other people's relationship (and other people's marriages are literally my business). I don't understand why this is a slap in the face to the military community, though. Military families have infidelities, just like the rest of the married population, and it occurs both during and after their active service careers. We are not immune to such things. I also believe we should model our relationships on the perceived standards of others. We should define our individual values, create a strong foundation as a couple, and follow where that takes us, navigating the bumps along the way and redefining our system as needed. There is not "right" way to be married. Thankfully.
You know, my husband retired after 30 years in the Army, I know so many couples who have served their entire lives together. One serving in the United States Military, and one serving as the supportive spouse. Their marriages stand as tributes to their lives, just as their service does. I can personally testify that military marriages can not only be strong, but they are infinitely more rewarding in their nature than the "ordinary" marriage. I have a dear friend in particular who has lived the "romance novel version" that marriage can be for a military couple, that I wrote a poem about. Their relationship not only has stood the test of time, but has done so as a shinning example of love gone terribly right!
Rare and Remarkable Women
I watched as he lovingly gazed at her in their living room today,
At her sweet face, earnest smile, and her hair's soft curls with their touch of gray.
He stared as though it were the first time that he had admired.
Of this view, I realized, the powerful and honorable man never grew tired.
I knew of all the years she had devoted her life and love,
To the man of steel, who watched as though she were an angel from above.
It came to me that behind the men of his caliber that I am privileged to know,
Often from such a woman rare and remarkable love flows.
As she earnestly spoke of the topic of the moment, her hands moved with their usual grace.
His delight in this endearing quality was visible on his face.
All those gestures, which in more than forty years of devotion, had often been observed,
Still called to him to cling to her words, making sure each was heard.
In every endeavor he always sought council from those he knew to be wise and informed,
But he knew hers came, without exception, from a heart which to nothing but good would ever conform.
It had not been just to him she had given so much, she reached out to all, not just their own,
The legacy of her life would be that of great love when the Lord finally called her home.
Together they shared stories of the children who had been nurtured between them.
Many times his duties had taken him far from home, and she had soldiered on without him.
As they spoke with pride of each child and their accomplishments,
His demeanor spoke of where he knew so much of the credit earnestly went.
Often I have observed the same quiet tribute of love and admiration,
In the faces of the brave and self-less men who courageously give so much to this nation.
I knew why he lovingly gazed at her in their living room today,
At her sweet face, earnest smile, and her hair's soft curls with their touch of gray.
They did not fail – he failed.