It never seems quite fair to me. Divorced spouses have reported that when their marriages broke-up, their military friends distanced themselves. Military widows say the same thing happens to them. There is an initial period of maximum support after the funeral, then a distance develops as military friends move on with their lives.
Somehow the sun sets on a divorced or widowed spouses’ relationship with the military. While I might be able to accept that this is the way things happen in our military culture, does the distancing have to start when a couple is separated? Why don’t we rally around a couple then?
Terri wrote recently that she and her Air Force husband of eight years separated a month ago. She said they loved each other, but they needed space to work on their marriage without the constant fighting in front of their daughter.
They seemed to be making real progress. Then Terri’s husband joined a new squadron. She started receiving emails from the commander’s wife inviting her to the monthly socials and events. Terri joined in as usual. She even volunteered for an upcoming event. Her husband was glad she was included. Then the trouble began. Terri wrote,
I received an email from the commander’s wife stating that her husband had spoken to my husband at length and that although she was sorry, I would no longer be welcome at any spouse social OR squadron function until or unless my husband and I have resolved our marital issues and are no longer separated.
Of course my feelings are hurt and I am very humiliated. My husband claims he did not ask for this. We talk every day and he comes over for dinner and to see our daughter occasionally. My question: Is this standard operating procedure?
It’s hard to say what is standard when it comes to military spouses.
Now I don’t know Terri. I wasn’t present for any conversation her husband had with his CO. And I do recognize that everyone is different.
Assuming that Terri is not flying a freak flag, I would hope that I personally would err on the side of the marriage. Military marriage is no joke. Almost every couple goes through some weird places in their marriage. There are times when too much space opens up between people. There are times where all the sudden you are all too aware that things are not going so well– and if you continue down this path you will be going alone.
To me, that is a time that a fight needs to be made to save the relationship — especially when kids are involved.
I am definitely NOT saying that every marriage should last forever. I am saying that there are periods in which the space around a marriage is tender to the touch. I wouldn’t want to add to the burden a damaged marriage already bears.
So I think I would turn a blind eye to the specific housing arrangements of a spouse I didn’t know very well. I think I would be glad to have a volunteer around.
What would you do? Is it normal that spouses are automatically out of military life during the period of separation? Or does it help to be part of the community?
About Jacey Eckhart
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"I received an email from the commander’s wife stating that her husband had spoken to my husband at length and that although she was sorry, I would no longer be welcome at any spouse social OR squadron function until or unless my husband and I have resolved our marital issues and are no longer separated."
I'm sorry. What color is the commander's wife's ID card? What authority does she have over anybody?
Answers: Brown and none.
Advice to you is show up and tell the commander's wife to stick it in her ear.
I dont really think this is about the CO's spouse thinking she is in charge — she's simply relaying a message from the commander the way all FRG leaders/senior spouses relay information about a variety of subjects and issues. (Or at least that's how I read it. I obviously dont know either of the people in this — CO spouse or the separated spouse).
It seems like the active duty spouse should have last say in situations like this. If s/he wants the separated spouse to be involved then that is what should happen. How is it even the business of the commander (or the commander's spouse!), unless there is some sort of drama involved. I understand that many squadrons don't allow non-spouse SO's into spouse groups but I have to ask: Would they bar a live-in girlfriend from a squadron function simply because she doesn't have a ring on her finger? I'm pretty sure the single Airmen in our squadron are allowed to bring dates to the Christmas party or BBQs if they want–and I've never seen a single one given some sort of 'intentions questionnaire' before being allowed entry. Either the commander and/or his wife have injected their personal belief system into the situation here, or this isn't the whole story.
Actually, although I agree with you that this is not right to any extent, live- in girlfriends are being left out of a lot of things. There's even a Buzz article about it. I don't agree with this kind of stuff. I feel like there should be better leadership in a lot of areas. Our men may not be able to speak up for themselves when they are outranked, but I'd be damned if another woman would out me because my husband and I were peaceably working through marital problems. They have a child to consider and that means so do the rest of us. If the moral aspect doesn't strike a cord with people, they ought to consider this thought at the VERY LEAST: They are being paid more to care for the child- does that not show that her welfare is important to this country?
For all intents and purposes in the military, a couple is considered married until the date of divorce. Separations do not always result in a divorce and the milspouse should continue to be treated as a spouse. Whether or not the spouse participates in the FRG or squadron events is up to the couple. I didn't see any mention in the article about drama so I can only assume that the couple is on good terms with eachother and it's no one's business when it comes to their sleeping arrangements.
I mean I could understand if they were awkward or angry when she participated but she said they were fine and her husband was happy she was there. I don't get why there is such a stigma about military marriages that aren't the norm. I would applaud them for doing what they need to do and being civil and figuring things out. Just because they don't fit in some kind of box is no reason to punish them. I feel the COs wife was WAY out of line. And that she was deliberately trying to alienate her.
My advice is to go to the Christmas party with your husband. If the need should arise then the two of you should speak to the CO and his wife together. Having the four of you together will cut to the heart of the issue.
Hi! My husband is a Navy Seal and we have been seperated about a year. He currently lives with his girlfriend. Myself and our son have been cut out of everything related to the unit. He has signed over benfits and power of attorney to the new girlfriend even though we are legally married. I asked to stay on the rosters and events for my son but was told, seperated is the same as divorce!