Why I Wish Your Husband Would Deploy

family homecoming marine

One of the rules of military life is that you never wish a deployment on anybody. You never wish that someone else’s husband would miss Christmas morning. You never wish someone else’s wife missed seeing her kid learn to swim.

No matter how much some civilian sighs and actually wishes OUT LOUD that her husband or wife or partner would deploy when yours has been gone for months, you never, ever, wish that on them, too.

Nice people just don’t do that.

But this time, I am doing it. This time I’m wishing that some people’s spouses really would deploy. I’m not wishing combat on anyone. Combat has consequences a little wishing does not fix.

I’m simply wishing deployment on some people sort of like the way Jim Carrey wished that everyone could get rich and famous and get everything they ever dreamed of …

So they could see that’s not the answer.

Now that my husband is home from deployment and we are through the crazy weeks of reintegration, I am wishing everyone could have this big long separation in their marriage, too.

Because then maybe they would appreciate what a marvelous thing it is to actually have someone living in your house who gives a damn about you. So …

Why I wish your spouse would deploy:

I wish your husband would deploy so that you would get used to going everywhere alone. I wish he would come home so that you would find a bit of wonder in having him take your hand and walk with you.

I wish your wife would deploy so that you could drive any way you want wherever you want to go. Then I wish she would come home so that you could have the luxury of sitting in the passenger seat and have someone drive you while you checked your email or picked up the pacifier in the back seat or even fell sound asleep.

I wish your wife would deploy so that you could wake up on Saturday morning worrying about how you are going to get three kids to three different sporting events at three separate ends of the county. I wish she would come home so that you could have the luxury of splitting up those duties. I wish she would come home so you could get that frisson of pleasure when you see her turn up at the third event to keep you company in the bleachers.

I wish your husband would deploy so that for once you would know how long and empty a Sunday could be. Then I wish he would come home so that when you woke up Sunday morning you could put your head on his chest and go back to sleep, happy to have that whole day stretch before you.

I wish your husband would deploy so that when something went wrong at your house you could curse the deployment. You could tell yourself that if you husband was NOT deployed then you would not be having that stupid, stupid problem. Then I wish your husband would come home so that you could see that problems happen all the time anyway — no matter who is home to deal with them.

I wish your wife could deploy so that you had to fight every battle alone. Every phone call from the school. Every erroneous charge on the cell phone bill. Every blahblahblah from your sister-in-law. Then I wish she would come home so that you could bask in having someone fight your battles for you and with you. The two of you against the world.

I wish your husband would deploy so that you could suddenly notice how much he actually does around the house and with the kids that you don’t see. Then I wish he would come home so that it all could be invisible again.

I wish your husband would deploy so that you could tell yourself that food is not love and eat popcorn for dinner every day. Then I wish your husband would come home and you would sit down together over a homemade lasagna and a crispy green salad and glass of red wine so that you would know food really is love.

I wish your wife or your husband would deploy so that you could know what it is like to long for a person, hunger for their face, dream over what you will do together. Then I wish they would come home so that the dream of them would disappear and the reality of them would reappear.

Because the reality of a partner who loves you and loves your kids and wants to be home (even if he or she is struggling with the reintegration process) is really a miraculous thing. A wonder. A joy. A moment in which you are truly grateful for what you had all along.

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About the Author

Jacey Eckhart
Jacey Eckhart is the former Director of Spouse and Family Programs for Military.com. Since 1996, Eckhart’s take on military families has been featured in her syndicated column, her book The Homefront Club, and her award winning CDs These Boots and I Married a Spartan?? Most recently she has been featured as a military family subject matter expert on NBC Dateline, CBS morning news, CNN, NPR and the New York Times. Eckhart is an Air Force brat, a Navy wife and an Army mom. Find her at JaceyEckhart.net.
  • Patti

    I wish your husband would deploy, so that you can have a little sympathy for military spouses and what they go through… and so you can appreciate why we can’t help but laugh out loud when you whine and ask for prayer to “get through” your “horrible separation” of just a few days. The ability to suddenly have sympathy and understanding for single parents is a bonus.

    Well said, Mrs. Eckhart, and much appreciated by this military flyer’s spouse who, while I’ve never experienced the year long deployment, has been living for 9 years with back to back to back “short” deployments and TDYs–typically gone 50-75% of each year, erratically and sometimes on a moment’s notice. I feel you.

    • Single parent spouse

      Well my husband has been deployed since he joined. He is oversees, while his son and i are do everything alone. Only seeing your family “once” a year in person isn’t in any means an American dream. Whomever created a title like “i wish your husband would deploy sure does have a lot of time on there hands in a sick twisted way.

      • salvador castillo

        this was a really dumn article. how about if they’re both member to member, and arent even stationed in the same base. this article in my opinion was dumb.

    • Robert

      There should be no deployments longer than 5 or 6 months for anyone, no matter what branch, but especially for those in combat zones. It is inhumanely wrong to do this longer than this, especially while they are going through all this misery, pain and suffering while many others are enjoying life in their crystal palaces enjoying their cocktail parties and many other luxurious lifestyles while we have those in the trenches. I know that deployments are a necessity but doggonit, no longer than 5 or 6 months. You asses in your high kingdoms think about this and your comfortable beds and pillows and climate controlled environments and wonderful meals any where that you want to go.

  • Amy_Bushatz

    Niki I’m sorry I think you missed the spirit and point of this essay.

    • Niki

      um actually i don’t think so , the way it’s written says something else to me than to you .
      with every job has it’s ups and downs , and many jobs carry longer period of seperation , distance , and worry .
      basically shes saying .. you don’t know what it’s like …
      well of course others may not know .. but im sure that alot of couples appreciate each other either way .

      • sabrinacking

        Sort of read this similar to you Niki. Not entirely. But I think I get where you are coming from. My husband has deployed 5 separate straight years. I didn’t learn one iota about appreciating him more. I already appreciated him. But we did learn how strong we both are…and strength isn’t necessarily all it’s cracked up to be.

        • Niki

          thank you Sabrinacking , you worded it better than i did :)

      • TeeJae

        I think it’s important to recognize that the audience for this particular article was not all-encompassing. Your amazing ability to appreciate your husband both when he’s home and when he’s away means you are probably not the intended audience for this article.

        I think the author was speaking more to those of us who slip so easily into taking our spouses for granted when they’re home, and tend to appreciate them more when they’re away.

    • Mia

      yeah, Niki missed the point for sure.

  • sabrinacking

    I wish your husband would deploy so you’d give birth, twice, alone. I wish your husband would deploy so you’d have to tell them over the phone thousands of miles away, “your Dad died”. I wish your husband would deploy so you wouldn’t be sitting alone when diagnosed with some catastrophic illness or another or undergoing some surgery or another.
    We could go on all day without even adding anything combat related.
    But truly, at this point, my only “wish” is that no one’s husband/wife ever deployed again because I wouldn’t wish much of what we have been through on my worst enemy. Let alone just your common moron on the street that tells you “oh I know just how you feel my husband went on a business trip for 10 whole days”.
    And this is why I always say:I don’t know who all these wives are that are so horrible…the wives I know are amazeballs.

    • Alaina

      I know how it feels. My husband has been gone for 20 months. I had a complicated birth which required an emergency surgery where I wasn’t guaranteed the survival of myself or our baby. All of this while my husband was deployed. I appreciated my husband before he left, but only after he deployed did I truly realize how strong our relationship is, that no matter what the future holds for is, we will get through it, because we have already gone through the hardest times.

    • LauraS

      It’s rude to say civilian spouses are “morons” because they compare a business trip with your spouse’s deployment; they are trying to relate. Be thankful they will never have to know the true pain and slug fest that is a deployment. My sister’s husband travels a lot for business and she never wants to tell me how much she struggles without him because, comapred to me having gone through deployments, it’s nothing, right? Wrong. Missing your spouse is missing your spouse no matter if it’s days, months or years. Please don’t call civilians morons because they miss their spouse, too.

      • sabrinacking

        Laura I was being facetious to correspond to the tone of her article. If you read the other things I have written in these comments regarding this article. I feel the same way you do.

    • Susan

      Sadly I know a few military wives who wish only wish for deployment when their husbands are home. Breaks my heart, my husband is also in the military and I do not wish any of my time away from him ever……I understand the context of the article though. Most married people only think they need a break; however, the reality of a break like deployment brings you back to earth really fast. Some marriages do well with this kind of wake up call depending where the relationship stands when deployment starts. I know for us it allowed us to grow closer again and we haven’t looked back.

  • jacey_eckhart

    Sabrina, you and I both know that there is plenty of pain wrapped up in deployment. I’ve given birth alone, too. I pulled my kids through Hurricane Katrina and all the aftermath. I’ve done all the holidays and weddings and funerals without him.

    But the pain isn’t all there is to military life. Otherwise no one would keep doing this for 26 years like we have. Or the 20+ years that you have.

    Those happier parts are the ones we need to think about now and again–because those are the parts that make all the difference.

    • the first mel

      Exactly. With each separation I am reminded, once again, to appreciate my husband and our lives together. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the day to day monotony and lose sight of what really matters. Separations bring things back into perspective and the reminder is an unexpected benefit.

    • sabrinacking

      You know, to each their own. We haven’t gained a solitary positive thing regarding appreciating each other more from deployments. I already appreciated my husband in the day to day things, I didn’t need a deployment to make me appreciate him any more. I get, that maybe that is the case for some people. The only thing I think any of us gain from deployment is perspective on the “bigger” things. What is and isn’t important. How precious life is. How fragile everything which seems concrete truly is. And with the examples I gave I wasn’t talking about “pain” I was referring to strength. The examples you gave could have been blown off as “trivial”. The truth is, deployments make people strong. Both down range at home. Strength, is a double edged sword. It too, has it’s negative aspects.

      • GW Mist

        I agree with you Sabrinacking. There wasn’t a chance to “miss” or “appreciate” my husband better after each of his deployments. In fact, after each one he became more withdrawn & depressed as he was missing out on our daughter’s day-day achievements/musings/etc. He’d come home during his R&R’s and sit in her room while she was school, trying to think of something to say to her.

        My God! To make deployment times about us spouses is so childish. To worry about what we miss in our spouse is childish. Do you know what he missed out on? I didn’t change, grow, etc in ways our daughter did….things that they can never get back! Time spent, her running home with a A on her final, etc.. It’s about how they had trust they can lean on us to bare the burdens of raising children that appreciate them & their sacrifices while they are out dodging fire and then to be there to lean on when they get home. I’ve seen a lot of single guys come home that don’t spouses. I’ve seen a lot of married guys come home to spouses like this author that withdraw because they are so needy!

        If this author was trying to express ideas on how to let your spouse know you appreciate them, there are a hundred other positive ways to express that other than wishing a deployment or other separation on them and family!

        I saw a post from a daughter, much like mine. But she expressed how hard it was to connect with her dad. I’ve seen that too. It’s when the mom’s lean to heavy on “needing” their spouse home instead of just digging in and doing what needs to be done for their spouse. THAT shows appreciation! Doing what needs to be done … especially with kids & girls (if it’s the dad that’s military)…by being that bridge to keep them together during deployment! That shows your spouse you appreciate him! Not a fancy homecoming.

    • Sam

      I DO NOT like this at all. I would NEVER wish this on anyone! I’ve been an army brat for almost 20 years. It doesn’t matter what way YOU put this. This is horrible. All you seem to be thinking about is the spouses. It almost ruined my fathers and my relationship with him being gone all the time. Everyone has there own opinion. But what you have to realize is not everyone will go through this the same way as you. Many others are way worse. Or not bad at all. This is just horrible to me. I don’t know you but you seem like the spouse I would despise because of what you have said.

      • Lauren

        i think this article is so fucked up. its so selfish and one sided.

  • disagreeable debbie

    I understand where the author is coming from, but separation is separation. This “I have it harder than thou” mentality is becoming rampant across spousal discussions and postings. How about we all just agree that underways, tdy, deployments, and unaccompanied are invariably hard on everyone, and that each person and family copes differently with these events. I would never wish any of those things on anyone, because I either don’t know how it feels or I do. I think it is time for this website as a whole to shift to a more empathic perspective. The military is hard on everyone in some way at some point in time, so can we move away from the “you just don’t understand” talk? How about we just listen and appreciate that some cope with certain events better or worse than others and accept their humanity, rather than wishing them hardship.

    • sabrinacking


    • Jess

      Well put.

    • +Sigh+

      I totally agree with you.

      Having been a civilian for a long time before my husband joined the Army I am so tired of what sounds like whining. Cops wives spend 20 to 30 years worrying if their husband is going to come home. Single parents never have anyone coming home to help them with the kids. My friend’s husband left her with three children and she has been a single parent for a very long time. People have Cancer and other diseases and worry about dying every day. We all have our struggles – trying to make yourself or your struggle better than someone’s elses is sad.

      If you had written the article instead expressing how much you appreciated your husband when he returned from deployment instead of wishing things on people you don’t even know, it would have gone over a lot better.

    • crazyangie

      there now, for once somebody i can agree with !!!! Well put Debbie !!

      • sheri arr

        I so agree! I was kicked off of an Army Wives facebook page for saying that spouses are creating an image that our life is incomparable to any other. If we can’t show empathy and support to spouses outside of the military, how will we ever get support from others? Do unto others…. !

  • Brianna

    For one, all military spouses are civilians. The only one who is not a civilian is the actual service member.

    Two, I think it’s incredibly selfish to wish this kind of hell on someone. My husband is currently deployed, and I would never ever wish this on someone. I have the empathy to be able to listen to someone complain about their marriage, situation, or whatever, without immediately turning the focus to me and my problems. Just because my husband deployed doesn’t mean everything is about me. Just because I go through some trials doesn’t mean everyone else should or needs to go through them too.

    I would never wish deployment on anyone, ever. I am neither bitter enough nor selfish enough to ever do such a thing.

    • jojo613

      Speak for yourself, but not ALL military spouses are civilian. I served 5 years Active Duty, and 3 years Reserve, while my husband was active duty. Both of us were military spouses at one time or another.

    • army soldier

      I was active duty military while my husband was deployed. I had the same responsibility both as a mother and soldier. We both deploy on needs of the military or unit

  • lcoyne

    U didn’t get one thing she wrote in that article…

  • Linda

    I am an Air Force Mom! I have heard and seen the affects of deployment from many military families. I am the Air Force Nanny where I live here in Florida. My moms and one dad are not wallowing in pity parties. They are strong women and one man. Now if all of you would pray for the deployed Mom whose toddler just died here in the states, it would be appreciated. I wonder if someone told her husband…..I wish your wife was deployed….! All my military families know about deployment but they know what strength and courage is!

  • Megsie

    There are a LOT of things that military spouses go through that the ordinary civilian spouse would never go through. I don’t know why there’s so much ganging up on this spouse. She’s asking for EMPATHY. There have been times my husband and I have gone for lunch with him in his uniform and women ask if he’s deployed, etc. “Oh, I know how that feels, my husband had to go *insert somewhere nice* for a business trip and that was just so rough. I understand how you feel.” Now, maybe, just maybe, the civilian spouse *thinks* she knows or understands. I’m not saying CS is callous and not understanding. I think that in this kind of case, they just really don’t. The author is trying to express herself; she isn’t whining or bitter. It’s her blog. Let her express herself.

    • Jenny W

      Missing someone is missing someone. “Military spouses” ARE civilians, they are not the ones with the contract. I hate this one up crap everyone does, you civilian wives have it seeeewwww easy, you don’t know what IIIIII go through. How do you know that her husband being gone a few days doesn’t hurt her as much as yours being gone for months? My husband is gone for 3-4 months at a time and the ONLY contact I get is sporatic emails, I don’t get to hear his voice or see his face because he is on a submarine. Sally over here is Army and her husband is gone for a year but she gets to skype with him and talk on the phone and 2 weeks home for R&R. So who has it worse? The one with a shorter time but NO contact or the one with longer time and TONS of contact and interaction? I’ll give you a hint, the answer is NEITHER. I miss my husband just as much when he goes away for a weekend with the guys as I do when he’s deployed. There are not levels of understanding or who has it worse. You know who has it worse? The spouse/parent that will never see their loved one ever again because they died. They get the trump card on this one.

      • +Sigh+

        Bravo Jenny

        • Denise

          I can see both sides but I see another one as well. I am a military brat, veteran and former spouse. I was an active duty single parent sent on a 1 year remote when my daughter was 10 months old. I returned 13 months later who thought her mom was the photo on the fireplace mantel and would scream bloody murderer when left alone with me because she didn’t have a clue as to who I was.

          The deployed member I believe has it worse then we ever would or do when they are gone. Because as a military spouse I was able to have the memories and experiences with our children that I could only tell hm about or show the photos and videos to. While he continously missed milestones.

          So before anyone pouts down another for their opinions maybe we step back and think that while we may have all experienced separations and deployments their experiences may be completely different than our own. I also believe the level of support provided differ from the different branches and even different bases and communities.

          • Chandra


      • sharon

        By the way I appreciate my husband everyday. Love will let you feel that way. As a spouse I didn’t have to work when I had my kids and enjoyed being home when he deployed I didn’t feel stressed he was doing what he signed up to do. And running around here and there so I’m a homemaker not having to work. I do feel for women that have to go through fustration .

      • my6gifts

        If you miss him as much when he’s off on a weekend as you do when he’s deployed, you need to get a freaking grip.

  • Tara

    There is no appreciation for a spouse so deep as one who has been through a deployment. Deployments break up a lot of marriages for good. There are many civilian wives who have it tough as well, I’m not going to deny that. (Btw, If you are married to a military person, you are a military family. technically civilian, I get it, but still military.) Trials are placed before us all every day, how we come out on the other side determines our strength. Single parents have it the toughest, no doubt. How much more they appreciate a good man or woman when he or she finally comes along. That is all the author is saying…from a military spouse’s point of view.

    • Foxy lady

      I am a military spouse and there are times of frustration when you see or hear an individual complaining about something relevant. I feel if anyone could be in that other persons shoes for a day they might want to be in there own. The point of this article was for everyone yo understand how people who do whatever and a military spouse on a day to day basis. It was going back and forth it was alienating anyone just giving a comparison of how a military or civilian lives. That’s what I got out of it. I also feel that people need strength in a marriage so this was another analogy. Ladies nobody wants anyone to deploy. But understand how it would be if you were ever in a situation like that or even living in another state bc you can’t afford to move together. See it all the time. Well god bless.

  • Angela

    I think that all of you are lucky to have spouses to miss or to wish would disappear for a few days. There are many out there who don’t have a second person to help them. ever. or they have a spouse (military or other) who is a useless cretin.

  • dave

    Deployment? If you haven’t been -you wouldn’t understand. I was gone for one year. My wife was wonderful through it all. When I came home my wife and daughter met at the door. My daughter – just 2 1/2 years old – jumping in her momma’s arms said, “Is that really my Daddy”. It’s been 40 years – I will never forget. PTSD effects all of us differently.

  • SFCSchneider

    If you need your spouse to deploy in order to appreciate them maybe at you don’t need to be married in the first place.

    • sabrinacking

      This was exactly what my husband said when I read him this article.

    • the first mel

      It’s not a matter of needing your spouse to deploy, it’s acknowledging that separations, with introspection, can bring things back into focus.

    • Robin

      I think we would all be lying (we as in all people in the world) if we said we remember to thank our spouse/significant other every single time they do something for us, never take a single thing for granted, and always treat them exactly as we should. It’s human nature to grow accustomed to things, including the presence of others in your life. Do people need a deployment to remind them? No, a day or two apart and most people realize what they take for granted. Still, a day apart doesn’t mean you have to become a single parent for months, pay all the bills, fix all the problems with the house. A deployment is a much stronger reminder of how much you depend on someone – and not in a bad way.

      • sharon

        I’m sorry you feel that way get another field. We all have to make adjustment in our lives. Ask God for strength

    • Blahhh

      Damn. I definitely feel bad now if you ALL appreciate your spouses so so so much. I think I appreciate my husband, but once he comes back from being gone I think I will have a new understanding of some things. I take it for granted having him sleep next to me every night. I take it for granted that I can just say “Hun, YOU take the dogs out.” “Hey can you cook dinner because I have a huge final to take.” When he’s gone I won’t be able to ask that. Whether you appreciate your spouse already or not, I think if you’re separated for any amount of time you will realize things and appreciate more or take less for granted. It may not be true for everyone but I know it is for me.
      I get the point of this article and I like it. I also like the fact that it says you wish for them go come home in ever scenerio. :) that is a big deal!!! Thanks for writing this.

    • Debbie

      Thank you! You must know my former daughter-in-law!

  • Cathy

    I think it is ridiculous to “wish deployment” on anyone. Has spousebuzz become the official publication of whiny, self-important, my life is so much harder than everyone else, throw a ticker tape parade because I’m accomplishing the great task of living my life, give me something free entitled mentality spouses?

    We all knew separations, be it deployments, unaccompanied tours, long schools to further careers, or TDYs, were a part of the gig. Personally, I think separations if you choose to look at them as such can be one of the blessings of military lives. Not the appreciation thing because I always appreciate my husband. But how many other wives get the repeated thrill of seeing the man you love “for the first time”? Usually only once in their lives. How many people these days get old fashioned love letters? How many people get the excitement of that first kiss over and over in their relationships? How many people get to fall in love again? I do.

    • TeeJae

      Actually, we didn’t all know what we were truly getting ourselves into. I met and married my husband in peace time, and while there was the occasional TDY, neither of us knew at the time that his subsequent deployments to Iraq (and the grave implications that went along with them) would be “part of the gig.” No one truly “knows” until they actually experience it.

      There are also those wives who don’t know (for whatever reason) that those various forms of separation will be part of the gig. During my time as a Key Volunteer, I was amazed how many (young wives, especially) had no understanding of military life and what it meant to be a part of it.

    • monroe

      I totally agree U.S.Army Retired!

  • Jennifer W.

    How about the people who don’t even have spouses to miss? Look at all the single parents out there who struggle with such activities every day and don’t even have the luxury of waiting for their husband or wife to return home. I get it, deployment isn’t easy, but put things in perspective. Be grateful for what you do have. Evryone has their own struggles, and it’s very presumptive to assume that yours are the worst.

  • Shocked

    No disrespect to anyone! As I sit here reading these comments I’m appalled at how people are reiterating these writings. As I read the article I feel the writer was trying to portray a deep personal feeling they have to those that don’t truly understand what families feel or go through during deployments. I see in these writings when wishing the deployment on someon they are also wishing them to feel the great feelings you feel when the soilder comes home as well! They are wishing a positive with every negative that comes with a deployment! Call me nieve but, I thought we as an “Army of One” we were supposed to be in support of each of as a family instead of tearing each other down! It looks to me that a lot of you have done just that! Torn an author down for sharing her deep feelings & pains of deployment! I hope you all can re read this with a whole other outlook to what the writer was trying to express instead of looking at it so negatively.
    God Bless you all

    • GW Mist

      There are greater things to wish for! I re-read this essay and I still feel that this author was very selfish to wish such a thing only to appreciate one’s spouse! My husband deployed 4 different times for a total a little over 6 years. When he got back he had PTSD badly & could not function. He missed out on our daughter growing up and she missed out on having a dad! My God! You talk about family, but forget the most important aspect. Kids are only kids once! We will have time to appreciate our spouses in other ways other than during deployment!

    • Charlene

      Well Said. My family is retired military- 25 years. I truly believe deployments have made our love & understanding for each other stronger. Every return made us feel like newlyweds again-appreciating the tiniest things in life. After 28 yrs in marriage-bystanders will still commit on how so in love we look and not because of how we “act”. I do not wish anyone to have the heartbreak that goes with deployments, BUT I do wish – after seeing so many friends divorce, complain about spouse, fight, be soo unhappy with each other-that they could experience what I have & what the author writes. Maybe then, they would forget about the world around them and appreciate the little things in life that make you warm and fuzzy inside~to make you the couple that once fell in love.

    • Theresa

      I have a 12 year old son, whose father was deployed, I have no resentment towards his stepmom, she was pregnat and alone with a baby while he was deployed, I know what it’s like to be pregnat and alone. My gripe is with the media there was a fantastic heartfelt welcome with the wife and beautiful baby girl, but no one really gave a second thought to the fact that there was also a son whose father was gone. I don’t raise my child to be resentful but the media similar to another article I read about pretty soldiers are about attention. They sell the story of a hero who has never met his daughter… not the child left behind… Okay yes I’m resentful towards his dad, but not his stepmom, I would not wish that on her again, because I know what it is like to worry if your kids dad is coming back.

      • Theresa

        Also, his stepmom has been supportive of our family not only her stepson, so I am thankful for that! I appreciate that she sends pic of his baby sister to him and all those little things.

  • Cassandra

    I understand all of the points above. However my husband works in the Nordic countries leaving on a Sunday and returning on a Friday night late. He then goes to his dad on the Saturday while I go to work. I know what military wives feel like. My husband high blood pressure and as a typical man thinks he is invincible. So yes I am nervous for the phone call when they inform me that he has had a stroke. Honestly whether spouses are deployed or not appreciate your life

    • my6gifts

      No you do not know what we feel like and I’m sick and tired of non-military wives saying you have a clue. You know what it’s like to have your husband gone for long periods of time, yes, you do NOT know what it’s like to have your husband in a war zone and praying he’s not shot at, that he’s not severely injured, or worse killed. So do NOT say you know what it’s like.

      • the first mel

        And I’m sick and tired of military wives acting like they have a monopoly on hardship and suffering. No, she may not know EXACTLY what it’s like but don’t disregard her experience and diminish whatever understanding she does have. Many military wives complain about a lack of compassion from people who don’t have someone they love in the military. This person has some understanding and is conveying that, but after a response like yours I wouldn’t blame her for losing that compassion towards military wives and giving us the brush off the next time she hears one of us complain.

  • Tara

    If you are bitter, you will read this article with bitterness, as some of you clearly are. I have always appreciated my husband, but you better believe I appreciate him more during this deployment. I believe this article was written to not only express the daily frustrations of a family member of a deployed military member, but also remind us what we could do better, what we have to look forward to, how we can appreciate more, because you can always appreciate someone more. I believe you go into a survival mode when your soldier deploys, sometimes it helps to have a little reminder of how great it will be when they return.

    • guest

      I agree with the idea that deployment can make you appreciate your spouse more, certainly, but wishing deployment on someone else’s spouse is in poor taste. The article admits this in the opening, and then goes on to say that this time they’re going to do it anyway. I think the central idea was sound, but very badly expressed.

  • Huh

    Personally, as a wife whose husband is currently deployed for a year, I think spouses staying home should appreciate what they have. I know they appreciate their spouse’s service, but I feel so fortunate for what I have now while my husband is away and know that it’s WAY harder on the deployed person than the spouse at home. He has missed our son’s first steps, will miss both kids’ birthdays, trick-or-treating, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter etc…but I haven’t missed any of it, in fact, I’m having a great time and getting a lot done while he’s gone. My only sadness is for him and what he is going through, and yet, even from thousands of miles away he makes sure we are taken care of. I couldn’t be more happy to be a military wife and veteran.

  • Huh

    We have it better than single parents because there is the income for one thing, better than civillians who have illnesses because our healthcare is pretty good, not always great, but at least we don’t pay much for it, and better than people whose spouses have never gone away for long because let’s face it, for most of us, distance makes the heart grow fonder. I think that is part of what the author was trying to get out. She is not wallowing in self pitty as her husband deploys, but just wants people to see what she has gone through, without other peoples’ spouses ACTUALLY deploying.

    • karen

      Appreciate the nod to all of us single parents. While we don’t suffer missing & worrying about a spouse, neither do we get to look forward to ( & hopefully enjoy) his return. We live in a permanent deployment .

  • ALY

    Maybe I misunderstood….My husband is deployed for a year, its not easy. I know people have it worse than I do. I dont complain but sometimes I want to cry when someone says “I dont know how you do it”. I am just doing it. Like all military families you just do it. I read this and while I think perhaps the wording “I wish your spouse would deploy” was not what I would have personally written. I read this as being how happy she is that he is back. How it is hard to understand this if you havent experienced it. Not as a whiney “my life is harder than yours” but as simply stating that deployment is hard. Reintegration is hard. This is what I love about having him home. Why do we always feel the need to attack people cant we just try to understand and encourage. Life is hard. Deployment is hard. Tearing each other down does not help anyone.

    • GW Mist

      I can’t begin to understand why this author thinks deployments are about missing your spouse! Of course things are missed, but we get them back. BUT the KIDS…they can NEVER recapture their youth with their deployed parent! I understand that you may not have kids…but the author specifically mentions her kids in a way that makes them & their experience trivial. Who cares if I missed waking up to my husband for a few years during his 4 deployments??? Seriously. Because when they return we can go on vacation, spend time together…but the kids…they’re only kids once. And that time and those experience can never be recaptured….unlike a honeymoon, waking up next to your husband, etc…

  • I feel that a lot of people took this as a personal attack when the author was clearly referring to “some people’s spouses”. Now I’m sure that this could have been expressed in a better way but to me I took it as a message of appreciating what you have. Unfortunately we live in a world where a lot of people don’t appreciate what they have until it’s lost and I think the message was tailored for them.

  • CSM(ret)

    The author is seriously weird, as her writing style.

    • Alanah

      I agree. If you need your husband/wife to deploy so that you can appreciate them more, maybe you should look into something else. Deployment sucks….regardless. Distance for a long time sucks. And while you SHOULD learn to do things on their own, wishing deployment on someone is selfish and a little ridiculous. I agree with some parts, but over all I just don’t like this essay much.

    • my6gifts

      Try reading her book, Faith Deployed and her 2nd one by the same title but with a “2” behind it. Her writing is beautiful and right on spot.

  • SadMama

    My husband is deployed now. I definitely feel you. I have birth alone to our son. It’s something I’ll never forget. I would never wish a deployment on anyone, but I do understand why the author would say that.. You will never know anyone else’s struggle until you’re in it yourself. Don’t tell people “I know what you mean.” Because you don’t. You don’t know. You don’t know how hard it is.. How you have to put on a smiling face and be strong even though you are exhausted.

  • Melissa adams

    And sometimes your husbands and wives deploy and start sleeping with people on the ship.

  • Alanah

    If you need your husband/wife to deploy so that you can appreciate them more, maybe you should look into something else. Deployment sucks….regardless. Distance for a long time sucks. And while you SHOULD learn to do things on their own, wishing deployment on someone is selfish and a little ridiculous. I agree with some parts, but over all I just don’t like this essay much.

    • Izlude

      I completely agree. It’s not the way to get people to see through your eyes. It comes off as malicious, regardless of your actual intent. My wife has never deployed, but even basic training (married 7 years before she even signed up) And I was able to feel the pain of all these things, even over that short of a time frame. I would not wish such a thing on my worst enemy, for any reason.

    • sabrinacking

      I think it has something to do with different branches and the definition of deployment and how much that word varies from branch to branch or even within branches. I also honestly believe because of that…we learn very different things from deployment. Because of what is actually required of different MOSs and branches…perhaps we live our every day lives so that we are already appreciating one another. I think the author reflects her own life very well..she doesn’t reflect mine at all. But our military experiences have been vastly different. I think she is getting pushback from some…because when I read the word deployment…it has a very different connotation to me than it does to Jacey. And I wouldn’t wish deployment on my worst enemy.

  • Kris R.

    I’ve been an Army wife for 6 years and I’ve been through 2 -1 year deployments. I can’t even begin to tell you the emotional impact this article had on me. I don’t think this author was trying to be malicious in any way nor was she wishing deployment on anyone…. I took it as everyone should appreciate their partner and not wait until it’s too late to miss them or need them.. I LOVED this article and will be reprinting and framing it to hang in my bedroom, just as a reminder! Thank you, Ms. Eckhart.

  • cas.z

    While I understand the sentiment of these posts, consider the flip side of the coin. I was coming off a REAL extended tour in a highly Classified Billet & I became a political football. My solution to the problem was to get with the Assignments People, take a 12 month set of PCSO (deployed) that I wasn’t inline for. Only problem I couldn’t tell her why I was packing my trash. Deal was disappear for a bit over a year, get off the skyline, then was guaranteed to come back to an adjacent base 24 miles away…….. Her & the kids stay in the same house, same schools, same neighbors……nobody has to move except me…… Hold that thought… I’ll be right back……. Was living in a GP tent, 50 yrds from a Russian “fishing trawler” when 5 months into the agreement I got the divorce papers. Uh Huh…..

    • scarolina66

      :( I am so sorry that you have to go through something like that when you are somewhere you have no control over the situation.

      • cas.z

        ummmm, I pretty much understood Wash DC politics, which is why nobody ever told me what to do, / had to get done. Being a a senior SNCO, I just used the “Bubba system” to solve the issue, wrote out a hand written / signed waiver of seniority as it applied to deployed assignments just in case it came back on the assignments guy…….. gave “the powers that be” an identical notarized copy & 2 weeks later, I was neatly tucked away off the skyline. Everyone honored the agreements. Gotta love 5 sided bldg ‘behind the scenes’ dealings.

  • Jess

    I love this and how it’s written. To the point, AND TRUE. Appreciation is easy to forget. I’m very honored to say our Im guilty of it and our deployments are like a breath of fresh ONCE HES HOME. And one thing military

    spouses have that civilian spouses don’t have is the ability to use deployments to fall in love over and over and keep yourself in check . See the positive not the negative.

  • scarolina66

    My Hubby is deployed for a 365 right now. And the one thing I can say after 28 years of service and lots of separation is; I appreciate my own strength more and more with each deployment. It does seem that some of the biggest and hardest things seem to happen when he is gone; I don’t wish separation on anyone; but I cherish the knowledge that I am capable of handling almost anything alone and very happy I don’t always have too.

  • Jess

    Oh wow. Sorry for the typos. Posting from my phone. I think this was written with 100% amazing wit. Well said.

  • Ann Lilley

    My husband is 66 years old so she can wish all she wants my spouse will not deploy. He did, however, do a tour in Viet Nam and was spit on when he returned. There was no warm welcome home. It took him 44 years to get his disability.

    • KC

      Ann, I was active duty and a family member for 20 years. Those years spanned the ’70’s through the ’90’s. About midway through the ’80’s things improved by leaps and bounds for military families. There are a plethora of support systems. Civilians are appreciative and retailers even give discounts. It blows me away when I hear dependents/family members complain. I realize this bit of writing is aimed at civilians but when military spouses complain, some of us old timers feel the same way toward you as you feel about civilians. : )

      • Mia

        Yes, I know how “you” feel.

    • Nancy

      I know what you are saying ( my Dad is a Viet Nam Vet) But I think you are missing the point also in your pain of them not being treated right. Having “resources” doesn’t make the loneliness we feel when our husbands are gone for just about years on end any better really. Deployments are getting longer and longer for our families and that isn’t to dismiss or belittle what soldiers went through back then. At all. It doesn’t help when my 10 year old is crying because Daddy missed another birthday (7 out of the 10 to be exact) or Christmas ( 7 out of 9) It just doesn’t. I think we should be proud that we as a nation have come such a long way in appreciating our military. However, please remember, there will still always be the Westboro Baptist Churches and the type of people that make them up to be more than happy to spit on my husband and his friends. So although you might think we have it so easy… what she is saying kind of is walk a mile. I think more to the civilians that complain about all the ins and outs that come with having your significant other home all the time and what you take for granted when you do.

      • Chandra

        Well said!! Amen amen amen!!
        My dad is a viet nam vet and spent 20yrs in the air force. My hubby is active duty 20 yrs& counting. There are differences but it doesnt diminish the fact this is the longest war our nation has had. Its taking a toll on all of us. So instead of dwell on that lets pray for all of us and are leaders daily. God bless

  • Jess

    Love NEVER FAILS! Get over the fact there is not one person (spouse) who didn’t figure out appreciation real quick. If a couple decides to divorce over time apart deployed or spouse, then it’s ok. Wasn’t ment to be. My heart goes out to the couples who have been through affairs. :'( not cool

    • Supah Mama

      Yes love fails. What fantasy are you living in? My love failed when my husband hit me. It withered and died as he called me retard every day. I tried to get us to work together by every suggestion out there – even asking him to be more verbal & tell me how to make him happy. There was enough stress both being active duty… Now I worry about my daughter since I’m a single parent & have no one behind to watch her when I deploy. If she goes to a relative she would have to leave school. I have to have a trusted non-relative watch her! …So I wish… you would deploy so that your spouse can wait for your one 15 min phone call a week. Then for you to come home as he’s leaving. And walk off that plane to a huge crowd of people cheering & hugging their loved ones. As this all spins around you & news cameras interview the guy with the baby & wife in stillettos, you stand alone, unnoticed, missing your hugs, so you go grab your bags & head to your section to inprocess… and no one notices you leave because the one that matters is where you just left & now you have to wait for their phone call. And I wish you would deploy with no spouse at home for your kids. You’re stationed aay from family so they can’t help for long periods. You figure out who would watch them, clean the house, take the dog to the vet, keep up with the kids dental & med appts, read them bedtime stories, & make sure they’re doing their homework. Every day & night you wonder about the big and little – did they remember to floss – as you strive to do your best. This is the reality – not Cinderella.

  • Jess c

    I’m sorry I keep posting. I’m having a hard time reading some of the responses . I’m floored at how many read this and mentally processed into a personal attack. Why? I don’t understand. .

    • Nikki

      Right? Everyone wants their pity, it’s ridiculous. It’s nothing more than a pity pissing contest.

  • Nikki

    My hubby is active duty army, cavalry scout. Enough with the pity party stories! You know the life,the support, the sacrifice. WELCOME

    • Alaina

      Really? I think it’s time YOU shut up! Everyone has their way of coping. This thread of comments is a basic representation for those men and women who are going through this same thing and want reassurance that they have others in the same boat. Just because you have it figured out, doesn’t mean that everyone else does. Don’t take part of the conversation if you have nothing to add but derogatory declarations about everyone’s personal “pity party” then you should read another line of comments instead of trying to get us to stop sharing with each other. Thanks.

    • guest

      Just because people knew it would be hard means they can’t complain about it? I’m really sick of that mindset. Life is hard, people complain. That’s just how people function. They can’t be rays of sunshine 24/7. I really get annoyed with the “you knew what to expect, suck it up and deal with it” way of thinking. Marriage is hard. Parenthood is hard. Owning a home, buying a car, owning a pet, managing a bank account, they’re all hard. People KNOW that before they get involved. Do they still complain? You bet they do. But for some reason when a milSO complains about military life being hard she gets torn apart because she should have KNOWN it would be hard.

      I know everyone posting here has had their lows and their times when they just need to complain. So being on a high horse and telling others not to do it isn’t helpful, in my opinion.

      • Supah Mama

        Awesome & well put. I’m in my 19th year of servicen a SNCO, & enlisted for a 6 last year. I posted not for pity – f that – but to answer some people’s misconceptions. Hell, I really LIKE deploying. I get to do my real-world-ops job with way less drama!
        What I wrote was to say it’s not a world of unicorns & butterflies that poop rainbows. This is the reality. The days of the sailor or soldier coming home & kissing a girl in the street are gone. We have single fathers where women abandoned the family. We have married couples where the woman is the soldier & man the civvy. We have mil to mil couples. People need to drop their stereotypes and be accepting of our new reality. Spouse clubs: reach out to those you may have forgotten. They might not want to participate in the social club because of issues like PTSD, but just one “hey are you ok?” or “do you need anything?” can make a world of difference.

  • TeeJae

    At first I didn’t get it, but by the end of the article I did. You wish couples (and families) would appreciate their time together more. Which is exactly what deployment does (for most). It’s the classic “you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.”

    And having been through exactly what you’ve written about, it definitely resonated with me. Thank you.

  • Anonymous

    My ex boyfriend was in the Marines. While he was away, he cheated on me. I would NEVER want anyone to go through this experience ever, even to make other people understand what it’s like to be in a relationship with someone who’s in the military. There are many beautiful aspects to having a relationship with someone who’s in the military, but there are many downsides too. Waiting patiently and faithfully for your Marine, while your Marine is galvanting with some other woman.

  • Izlude hyral

    As much as the sentiment is nice, you are still horrible for the insinuation. Regardless of your “intentions”, there is no excuse for the lack of empathy your article shows. I’m actually surprised military.com would even LET you post this article. They should have expected the backlash it would receive.

  • Sheelana

    My husband is deployed for the third time, thank you very much!!!!

  • Educated

    I wish you knew how to write.

  • Elizabeth Hill



    This piece wasn’t really about wishing someone to be deployed! It was about spouses appreciating the fact that their significant other is there with them.

    How many times have you heard, while your spouse has been deployed or away from home, ” I wish my spouse would be sent somewhere.”? More than once, I am sure.

    There is no reason to read anything negative into this article, it is a postive piece, A piece that should make a military spouse feel a little more confident in the fact that we can handle all these things alone, but that we do love our spouse enough to want them here with us. And to to be proud of the fact that the phrase, “I wish my spouse would get deployed.” would never be said by one of us.

  • Marie

    “The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply.”

  • Heather

    You all should be happy to have found love and have someone there as support! My military husband tricked me into marriage, abandoned me, left me penniless and I could not get anyone in his line of command or anyone else in The Air Force to help me. Glad you have good men to come home to or come home to you!

    • guest

      How does one get tricked into marriage?

  • Emily

    I must be the odd one here, but I liked it. I’ve been through several deployments in the 12 years we’ve been married but he’s been home for a few years due to medical problems. I have taken for granted him being home. I had forgotten what it’s like to do everything alone and to feel so lonely it hurts. I had forgotten that feeling of joy at having him home finally and waking up and looking forward to a new day. The feeling of complete relief to have someone help with the kids so you aren’t stressed and outnumbered. So thank you for this article and helping me remember that maybe I really don’t have it that bad right now as we fight like crazy over stupid stuff. There are bad times to deployment but the things you experience when they come home are only things we would know. I think the author intended for the reader to see that yes, it is hard, but the rewards are awesome.

  • linda

    I get the point…but i didnt need this deployment that im enduring to remind me that I love my husband. He is and always Will be my heart. Being without him is killing me not teaching me to appreciate him more. If I didnt appreciate him Id have never married him. His heartache my heartache and the heartbreak of his 4 children is not helping my marriage. Its taking a year of my family being complete and a year of memories away that I can never get back .

  • monroe

    I think she should have pick a different title!

  • seriously?!

    Whoever wrote this is a total idiot

  • soldier whos dad is deployed

    What is wrong with you? Why would you wish a deployment on anyone? Because of my dad’s deployment I don’t get to spend my holiday season with him, I get the message behind the essay but the fact is that my dad is gone and I don’t get to make up this time with him cause I have to worry about my own deployment I don’t care how nice it is to adjust to life without a spouse the notice the change when he gets back the issue is that there are families out there that have to go without a father a mother for months, years even and you’re wishing it on them? I’ve had to go for over a year without my dad and I can only imagine how my mom feels. It doesn’t matter how nice it is to finally reunite with a spouse after months you never wish that on someone. Why don’t you take a step back and imagine how other people would feel about you wishing that on someone, think about how the soldier getting deployed would feel missing a Christmas with their family

  • not even

    i spend every single day praying that my husband comes home…hes not on vacation. Hes deployed. Which means every single day not only is he away from his family..he is gambling with his life. Wishing a deployment on someone is like wishing your child gets cancer and survives so your reminded how wonderful it is to be a parent and healthy..very tasteless article

  • SSG wife unit

    This made me so sad to read. I get it. I got it before meeting my soldier 16 years ago. Maybe that’s because my father died suddenly when I was 10, and I grew up knowing life can be cut short, live and live with love every single day.

    I was cheated on too. Right after we finally had a baby. He just threw me and our son away. All my love, support and sacrifice, completely unappreciated.

    This post makes me sad because the cheating negates all of these sentiments. Cheaters create false realities.

    For those with real love, hang on tight, you are so fortunate. Your loyalty and your husband’s loyalty are enviable. One sided devotion hurts.

  • GW Mist

    I don’t understand all this. My husband went off on 4 separate deployments that lasted about 6 years total. It’s not about me missing what he does. You talk about taking your 3 different kids to sporting events in 3 different locations. Did you ever think about your kids??? They get the worst end of it! My daughter did not have a dad for 6 years and then 3+ years after his last deployment while he suffering from PTSD and by the time he was somewhat stable, she was all grown up and away at college. Then HE suffered more as he realized what he missed out on…all those pre-teen, teen things, dances, dates, boys…. her growing up! My God! It’s not about us spouses!

    • Terry

      Exactly. When you’re wishing deployment on someone, you’re wishing that someone miss out on life with their family and on all the little moments they won’t ever get back. You’d have to be particularly cruel-minded in order to find this a good thing just so some spouse could get their brief moment of heartwarming at the end of a deployment.

  • Rebecca Von Briggs

    This will probably get buried underneath the comments already posted but I want you to know how this blog entry helped me. My husband and I are nearing our first deployment and gearing myself up for being away from my partner in crime is rough, especially at night, especially this one. We have been together since we were 14 years old and I appreciate him still more each day. What I got from this post was a reminder of what we can look forward to when he returns to me. I will “get used” to making a dinner for one..driving alone and working out without my favorite partner. But, I can look forward to these activities being as exciting as they were the first time we did them when he is back. I can’t tell you how grateful I am that I found this and right when I needed it. We chose this life together and we knew what being a military couple meant. He serves our country and we will use this as an opportunity to be strong for each other.

    Thank you.

  • Jen

    This is awesome. Period.

  • JLB

    Alls the author was saying is that civilians need to undertand to appreciate their spouses while they aer here, some of them do no know what it is like to go through a deployment or to have their spouse not there for holidays, birthdays, ect. I agree, I would not wish a deployment on anyone (ive been through one as a active duty member and my husband is active duty as well), but some do need to see what it is like to have their spouse not around, that way they will appreciate them more.

  • Kya

    I think if all the detractors on here actually did appreciate your military spouses as much as you say you do the military wouldn’t have the highest divorce rate it has ever had. My husband has served 17 years we have done countless deployments, tdy, schools, the whole shebang. Including two tours in Afghanistan and one in Iraq. I call your bs, I adore my husband he is a patriot and an excellent father to our four kids, but I just like every other wife on the planet do take things for granted like not having to remember oil changes and air filters and not cutting the grass when he is here because all those things do make life a little harder when he is gone. Stop being so defensive and admit you are human too!

    • sabriancking

      I have been married longer than you, and my husband has deployed twice more than yours does that mean I get to say you are full of BS? I wasn’t offended by this article, I just found it tasteless and hard to relate to. If you say deployment to me, I am clearly envisioning something different than Jacey. Anyone in my family: we are painting a very different, very violent, and very dangerous picture in our minds. One that changes men, changes families, and not necessarily for the better. Perhaps, we already appreciate the people in our lives in the day to day. What I took away form this article was we’re more amazing than I thought we were, and some people live really shallow lives. For me this article was offensive to civilians, and glorified something that shouldn’t be glorified. If anyone needs their husband to deploy, by my definition of deploy, to appreciate them. They shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. We aren’t an Army family because we are shallow people at heart and my husband deploying makes us better people. We are in the Army so the civilians in the country can never have to experience what we do and live full lives inside freedom.

  • YasBkStylita

    This just seems like a very selfish post. I understand what your trying to say, having your loved one deployed will give you a new appreciation for things that are taken for granted. However, you are assuming that all relationships are like yours. I appreciate my solider deployed or otherwise… I don’t need to miss him for a year to enjoy “riding in the passenger seat”. This post is for you dear author and I hope you appreciate him more and more because you love him, not just because you’ve missed him.

  • Jinger

    I think people are missing her point. I think the point was that you can truly recognize the worth and love in your marriage AFTER deployment…. i.e. the Sunday Morning post. I HATE deployment but man do I love the lessons I learn because of it.

    • Guest

      I agree ccompletely but I think the way the author presented that lesson was poor to say in the least.

  • As an active duty soldier I can truly state that I had no idea what I was asking my wife of eight years to do when I enlisted. Now with my sevice entering its 9th year, and our marriage entering its 17th year I am daily amazed at the depth of her service to the nation. It is as rich and as varied as mine. Her strength and commitment to our Lord, our family, and our country are laudable, but seldom praised by others. Thank you for your thoughts and observations in this post. I would humbly ask you to lend your ear to the tribute to army wives I published at ryanoscott.com/listen. It is for my wife, and all army wives who make the soldier able to do what he does. Thank you

  • Guest

    Everyone who keeps saying “I already appreciate my spouse and if you don’t you shouldn’t be married” needs to really think about what they’re saying. Some people are able to look at themselves more critically, some seem unable to do so. I wonder if you asked the spouses of those who claim to be 100% appreciative if they would agree. It’s so obvious it shouldn’t need to be stated, but relationships aren’t all good all the time. I’m not saying deployment is the only way to realize appreciation for someone, but those that say they appreciate their spouse as much as they possibly can all the time really need to ask themselves if that’s true or if they just want to look better than another stranger on the internet.

    • sabriancking

      My husband and I both read this article..THE. EXACT. SAME. WAY. So I guess that just says we’re amazing. Neener, neener.
      No seriously, I think what is really going on here is when you say “military life”, you are lumping a whole heap of variables into one lump sum, and they don’t compute. We were drawn to Army life, because we are already the sort of people that were Boy/Girl Scouts, Civil Air Patrol, Search and Rescue, President of the Young Republicans….we were already those people. We already had been raised to appreciate one another. Maybe that’s the farming, you learn early on life is tenuous. Maybe that’s the being military brats, and so we already knew it was a dangerous gig…who knows. But I honestly am telling you, I haven’t gained one thing about appreciating my husband more from deployments. None, nada, zilch. I have learned how strong we both are through his deployments. And that sort of strength is not something that should be glorified. Its a true double edged sword.

    • disagree

      No I truely appreciate my husband 100% of the time. Some of us are blesses and have a fairytale marriage.

    • GW Mist

      The divorce rate in the military is not high just do to deployment but other factors. Likely that the marriage was not built correctly, spouses do not have support of both sides in the family, unrealistic expectations. You’re just using the military as an excuse. I see divorce among my non-military friends as higher than any among my military friends.

      I should not have to take a deployment to be a wake up call for how much you appreciate your spouse/husband!!! Grow up & get over it…especially if you are like this author and have kids! Your kids and your spouse need you so much more than you need your spouse! Deployment is not a time to strengthen one’s marriage! That comes before the marriage & the time you spend together & with your children!

  • Is

    This is so well written. It is not a complaint or an ill wish for others whose spouses don’t deploy. It is a thoughtful list of the things you learn to handle on your own and a reflection on how absence helps us to avoid taking our partners for granted. Thanks for pointing all that out. (Almost makes me wish my husband were deployed–if only for the reunion at the end.) ;-)

  • Claire

    Ugh. All I ever hear from fellow military spouses is “feel sorry for me!!”. I’m a civilian, married to a guy in the in the military. I’m not special, neither are you. Stop with this entitlement crap.

  • Monarch96

    I read this article and loved it. I’m sorry so many are offended by it. I think if people looked at the word “deployment” as some form of separation, be it 3 days or 6 months, they would truly get the meaning of this article. I truly appreciate my husband but can often forget how much he helps around the house, with the kids, giving me a good laugh, etc. Reading this brought me back to the memory of him returning from his deployments and being so absolutely thankful he was home. In fact, I copied and pasted a good portion of this and sent it him via e-mail to remind him how much I do appreciate him. See, he’s not currently deployed but he’s stationed elsewhere. The tough economic times didn’t provide for us to sell our house for what we owe so the decision was made to live apart for the next 3 years.
    I would never wish an actual deployment on anyone but being separated for a short period can certainly strengthen a relationsip and bring a greater appreciation for those we love!

  • Joe

    I wish you could be deployed so your wife could cheat on you with your friend……Joe

    • Glenn

      That’s how i found out, when my ex would always ask me “isn’t it about time for another deployment?”. Karma is a funny thing though, now she’s paying support to the guy.

  • Claire

    Ugh. All I ever hear from fellow military spouses is “feel sorry for me!!”. I’m a civilian who happens to be married to a military man. Doesn’t make me special, doesn’t make him special either. I think it’s perfectly fine if “civilians” don’t understand my “military” life. Why should they have to? Stop this entitlement, this “my life is so much harder than yours” BS. You aren’t better or worse than anyone else.

  • Rob

    Actually Niki…its written with the hopes of instilling a sense of appreciation for military spouses both husbands and wives. Its not a knock on our lifestyle as military members. How many people do you know that left for deployment and had someone….and came back to nothing….I know more than a dozen including myself.

    • Niki

      that may be the case i just think she the way it was written was a little too general .
      yes those things do happen , happend to my cousin a few years back ..and that’s a horrible thing to have to go through i don’t doubt that one second .

      but at the same time i think that there are also those spouses myself , who appreicate every min we get with our husbands , (wives ) when they are home , there are those few that don’t take every day for granted .
      in my personal opinion she could of chosen to write it differently .

      • my6gifts

        Well then, Niki, write your own. This woman has written MANY successful books for military spouses, so since you can obviously do it so much better, have at it honey. In the meantime, shut up already.

    • gee wilikers

      thank you Rob,
      That’s how I read it. I am the mother of a Marine, s/o disabled VietnamVet my heart goes out to all sides.

  • James Henderson

    Wake up people , we serve right up to the day we die
    Its what life is about Its about progress and making
    life better for the next generation.I asked my mother
    around the holidays if she got tired of cooking for us
    Its what she took pleasure in the most.

    • guest



    As someone stated earlier, I am amazed at how many took this personally. I took it as a letter to our politicians, so they may understand what military families go through.

  • Guest76

    You realize that there isn’t a difference between being a military spouse and civilian right? All spouses are civilians….we are not the ones serving, the person we married is (unless your dual military)

  • Lpants

    I can’t believe how many of you are taking this the wrong way! She is simply saying that she wishes other people could experience the amazing things that come with a deployment. We have done a few, and last time my husband did a year our baby was 3 weeks old, with three crazy older brothers, and we were living in a foreign country, with no family nearby to help. It was hell. Would I wish it on anyone else? Absolutely not! Not on my worst enemy. But… Would I wish that every marriage could gain the strength that ours did? Yes! Not because our marriage was weak, or because we didn’t appreciate each other before, but because trial by fire turned us both into better people than we were before. And there is NOTHING like the joy of just being in the same bed/room/house/country as your best friend after a long separation.

  • Momof2

    Love it, hate it, you weren’t forced to read it. This author has just as much right to express her opinion on this subject as you guys have your right to publish any article you want. This is why online networking has so much freaken drama…..no respect for authors who give their opinion. Some people have nothing better to do than rip people apart. Geesh!

    Air Force Wife of 20 years.

  • Lauren

    I wish no deployment on anyone. Why? Because no matter how warm and fuzzy you feel after, your husband had to through the pain of being away and there being a chance everyday that a fluke happens where he becomes seriously injured or even killed. So they don’t have to bring home the part of deployment that stays with them for the rest of their lives. Im sorry but this is kind of a selfish article. What about the spouse? and having to be in a foreign country that hates them so that you can have those cutsie little feelings back? I’ve seen alot of PTSD and it’s sad. Lets get real, not to be morbid but some of our men come back really messed up. So no offence, but this is a really selfish article to me. If others find solice in it, good for them. But i just don’t like anybit of it.

    • GW Mist

      I agree with you Lauren. Then if you have kids, the kids suffer.

      I can understand appreciating my husband without him being deployed! That’s terrible to wish deployment on anyone. Especially considering that the author has kids. Makes me wonder if she realizes what her kids go through.

  • Nathalie

    A lot of service members want to deploy. Unless they deploy (and on difficult deployments) their chances of promotion are slim. My husband and his colleagues were almost competing for the company command of the company that was deploying first. If you aren’t assigned command of a company that is deploying it’s not a good thing if you wish to make it to colonel. Don’t forget they didn’t join to stay home.

  • Pat

    If the author was directing this to civilians, I think she may have missed the mark for some couples. My husband has never served due to health issues that kept him from enlisting. However, he was only home about 1 day a month out of the first 9 years of my son’s life due to the travel his civilian job required. We lived 1000 miles away from any family members, and we lived in a rural area, so there was very little community help. I did everything on my own, and despite that, I never stopped appreciating him. I worried, sure. I worried when he called me and said he was ill with a cold, suddenly dizzy, and on a city street not knowing where he was or how to get to safety. I worried when someone crashed into his car. I worried when the news carried a story of his flight number diverting to another city for an equipment failure, praying he’d make it. I just counted my blessings for 9 years until I could see him again. We all have it hard, and some civilians do “deploy” for their jobs as well, missing a big chunk of their children’s ‘firsts’.

    If the message was just that we ALL should appreciate our spouses, whether military or civilian, who work far away, then I agree.

    • armyguy

      Oh shut up Pat…you have no idea. You’re trying to compare apples to oranges.

  • Ashley

    I am just going through the first deployment of my husband. I thought this was beautiful, I cried reading it (don’t judge, lol). Everything was spot on and written so eloquently. It’s so true about the Sundays . I loved this Jackey. Deployment really makes me all the more grateful for the man who is my husband but also for rediscovering my own independence. Thanks for sharing.

  • I pray that every couple in the world should be safe and sound.

  • brittanyj

    i just want to say i understand what she is saying here. my husband and I married when we were 19 and both on active duty. We had the wonderful circumstance of never being seperated from each other for the first 2 years of our marriage. Then we PCSed and that all changed. We have been stationed in the same place for the last 2 1/2 years and of that my husband has been home for 9 months. I spend my time with him home memorizing his every feature, letting our daughter fawn over him and treat mommy like an “old toy”. deployments can do two things to marriage…either they can cause distrust and divorce (i have seen this in many couples the same age as my husband and myself) or it can make you stronger and drawn you more in love with each other for fear he may have to leave at short notice next week and be gone for months of training followed by a deployment…as military wives it is our duty to let our husbands serve honorably and support them no matter how depressed and difficult it gets for us. this is obviously difficult for most of us, that is why these forums should be a place to encourage each other and let each other know that someone else is enduring the suck as well.

  • jasonbladd

    Thank you for this poignant message to remind us, and everyone else about he sacrifices made by our service members and their families.

  • jessica

    WOW…I type in “husband deployed” and this is the first article I read with so many negative comments. What I got from it was to just appreciate what you have, drop the petiness, because things could be much worse. Maybe I read it all wrong.