Resume Help? 8 Hilarious Ways to Leverage Parenting

Resume Help? 8 Hilarious Ways to Leverage Parenting http://wp.me/p1d7d0-9tl

Whether you were a stay-at-home-mom by choice or circumstance, chances are one day you will want to return to the workplace. As you sit crouched in your closet (the only place you can really complete a clear thought) you may think that these years, elbow deep in the bodily fluids of littles and military spouse obligations has not helped prepare you for reentering the workforce, but you are wrong.

When you brush the dust off your resume and stare at the big gaping hole of the years you were “unemployed,” some creativity can help you reinvent your hard-earned parenting experiences into marketable business skills.

Here’s some examples on how to repackage parent-life into sought-after workplace expertise.

8 Hilarious Ways to Use Parenting On Your Resume

Process improvement: I am proficient in process improvement and six sigma-ed the heck out of “Get Child to Preschool in the Morning” routine. By declaring brushed hair and matching clothes non-value added we increased punctual arrival to 15 percent

Customer Service: I refined my customer service skills as lead negotiator of play dates. I utilize my interpersonal skills, active listening techniques, caffeine tolerance and direct begging talents to quell an angry mob of toddlers.

Sales: Established sales prowess as I daily sold toddler into consuming quasi-nutritious food and into the wisdom of wearing pants in public, resulting in high-yield street-cred amongst the playground mom market.

Marketing: Acted as Chief Marketing Agent that produced numerous campaigns packaging undesirable events. Achieved impressive buy-ins for “Supermarket Safari Time” and “Under Couch Cushion Scavenger Hunt.

Analysis: Served as Lead Analyst for numerous metrics like bowel movement activity.  Conducted continuous cost benefit analysis of late/skipped nap-times and lead researcher on “Is this normal or is my child about to die and/or be delayed/genius/psychopath?”

Project Manager: Developed and lead two parent team through 1-2 year long objective of “Please Sleep Through the Whole Darn Night.” Project ongoing.

Leadership: Use my unique incentive-distractification method, lollipops and good intentions to lead children through international travel and pry half-broken hot wheels from miniature hands of hulk-level strength.

Time management: Practiced expert-level time management skills by simultaneously completing meal preparation, dirt eradication, scheduling activities, educating youth, supervising entertainment and creating life.
OK, so maybe you don’t want to actually use any of that on your real resume. But you know what you can use? This.

 

Jen Hershberger is an Internet Analyst turned Air Force spouse and mother of two young children who enjoys writing.  Her parodies of social media from a baby’s perspective were featured on BuzzFeed and HuffPost. As she travels the world, one PCS-at-a-time, she documents the humor of military life and exploits the joys and stresses of parenting for laughs at HerdingBergers.com.

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