I love my friend Dave, but he threw me for a loop this morning when he sent an interesting link my way. I was in the middle of composing another post (which I’ve since abandoned in favor of this one) when the inbox pinged. I’ve added to, taken away and rewritten this post for hours now. I wanted to address all of the points, one by one, but this would resemble a book instead of a blog post had I done that. Finally, I realized that the SpouseBUZZ readership doesn’t need much commentary. You’ll understand, and you’ll address the points which interest you. So, about the link….It’s a blog entry written by a fellow milspouse and posted on CNN’s website.
If the American military went to war and America went shopping, then seven years later the war wages on but America is home from the shopping spree with her credit cards maxed out and her head aching from buyer’s remorse.
The war didn’t change and the fighting force didn’t change, but the people back home are over it. War, it seems, went out of style in 2003.
In the military community we roll our eyes when we hear that Americans are war weary. Just what, we wonder, are you all weary of? Hearing about the war? Seeing stories in the news? Most Americans don’t even know anyone in the military and won’t have any direct contact with the war besides seeing uniformed soldiers in the airport.
No disrespect to the author, but it wasn’t the post itself which interested me. Putting Rebekah’s last couple of paragraphs aside, because that’s a subject that we could discuss and agree or disagree with on another day, most of the blog post reads like something we’ve seen posted dozens of times in other spouse forums. Most spouses will understand the sentiment behind many of Rebekah’s statements, but when her words are posted in a broader forum with a wide-ranging readership, we’re able to see how others react. And that’s when it becomes interesting, at least to me.
airforcewife often comments that places like SpouseBUZZ are safe for milspouses because we get it. When we need to vent, we can do so without someone judging us. We can vent, safe in the knowledge that most of those who are reading understand where we’re coming from without heaping pity or scorn on us, or assuming we’re on the verge of divorce or mental collapse. What some commenters read as whining by Rebekah, I read as offering a window into our world – the good, the bad and the ugly. Additionally, wondering why some civilians are so war weary is hardly an odd thought to entertain considering military families have been at this business for seven years now, and it doesn’t mean we hold civilians in contempt, either. Quite the opposite. After all, our spouses’ job description requires that they put themselves between civilians and harm when necessary. It’s one of the many reasons I admire my spouse, and yours.
If I could sum up what Rebekah’s post meant to me in one short sentence, I would say, "This is our world, and it’s a very, very small one." I’m certain Rebekah’s post was not written to solicit pity, which some of the comments seem to suggest. Nobody needs to remind Rebekah, or the rest of us, that our spouses volunteer to serve. That’s yet another reason to admire and respect those who wear the uniform. But try as we might to explain the military culture to those on the outside, the age-old wisdom of "not understanding it until you’ve lived it" seems to hold true. There’s a huge disconnect between civilians and the military when it comes to war, and that’s likely to remain throughout generations. The "why" can be argued and parsed until kingdom come, but the fact remains that those who are fighting and those who are further removed from the frontlines live in vastly different universes. Is this a good thing, or a bad thing? That’s for you to decide, and it’s another very interesting question to ponder. But for now, following the conversation through the comments on Rebekah’s post is illuminating. Sometimes, when you try to discuss being a military family in a time of war with people who don’t live it every day, it can be a challenge to stop them from retreating to their familiar political positions before taking some time to examine relevant and meaningful points from another perspective.
Military families often get caught in the middle of a political tug-o-war and their quiet strength and enormous courage can be overlooked — if recognized at all — in favor of screaming matches between opposing political camps. I have my own deeply-held political convictions, but I tired of political polarization long ago and chose to immerse myself in the milspouse bubble. It seems when I try to venture outside of the bubble, I am quickly reminded that our bubble is encased in concrete rather than rubber. In other words, it ain’t gonna bust anytime soon, and I suppose that’s both good and bad.
Read the whole thing and take a stroll through the comment section. Feel free to come back here and add your two cents.
About Andi
Comments
As I mentioned above, I had wanted to address many of the points in the CNN post, but was more interested in reading the reactions of commenters to the post. I'm interested in the civilian perspectives that were offered, whether or not I agree with them. But, since there was so much meat in the post, I thought I would throw out some possible discussion points if any of you would like to address them:
Do you feel it would be good or bad if civilians were more engaged in or touched by the war?
Have you personally dealt with the "guilt" Rebekah refers to when your spouse is torn between not wanting to leave his family, yet wanting to get back to the combat zone with his brothers? You'll remember that Roxy dealt with this earlier this year on Army Wives.
Have you known widows or other military friends who have separated from the military and who find it hard to adjust to civilian life?
In general, are you comfortable sharing your world with curious civilians, or do you shy away from the subject of the war when possible?
I think this article is full of angles which could spur several posts, but we could just use the comment section to discuss whatever you feel like addressing.
Isn't it interesting that although what Ms. Sanderlin wrote was not in itself political, it sure provoked some political responses? Everyone is going to read it through their own lens of experience (good, bad or ugly).
I think what you wrote, Andi, about being caught in the middle rings very true. Regardless of our particular (political) views, civilians paint us all with one brush: we must all be ultra-conservative and brain-washed by the military propaganda machine. (please hear the sarcasm there)
I don't think it much matters what we say in forums outside of our milspouse bubble. It won't be "correct." It probably won't be understood the way we meant it. And it will be frustrating all around. That might be why I tend to keep my opinions to myself (for the most part).
What a find, Andi.
But I tell you, I couldn't read more than ten of those comments.
I have a headache reading the comments. It's a wonder anything gets done since no one can agree or only agree on a small part of a much larger picture.
AFW is so correct in saying this is a safe place. To put out our opinion, no matter what it is, we put ourselves in the line of fire.
I couldn't really read most of those comments either. But I did appreciate seeing that although most of them degenerated into politics, there were a few on both sides of the spectrum that seemed to get what she was saying.
I did appreciate that.
I tried reading through the comments, and I could not take it either…
I am not sure if it is because I am "bad news" weary these days…
but some of those comments, broke my heart.
"stop whining." "stop reenlisting.
Wow, I am amazed.
I am gonna say a prayer for the gal that wrote this article for CNN…
may she go to bed, knowing some of us "get it tonight".
I keep remembering how many folks serve in the US military…
there are not many.
God Bless them all
I didn't read the comments – why bother? it's the same old same old. She's right, too many people don't understand us. Most people have no one in the military, know no one in the military. I try, at work, to answer some of the questions I get… and I remember that they really DON'T know – they really DON'T get it, they aren't dumb or malicious, they just don't understand.
LAW
LAW — I was kinda shocked at how many people said, "Oh baloney, most of us know someone in the military; you're exaggerating how unique you are." Statistically, that just can't be possible. Unless they're talking about the son of some co-worker they barely know type of thing.
I know, I was surprised there too. Unless, and it's possible, that these people don't realize how few of "us" there really are! Could they be in a military community? or hang out only with military veterans?
They should hang out at my office… there's me.. and a girl who has a boyfriend who was in school with BW's husband!(like I said, SMALL world we are part of) and … some of them had a dad in WW2… or maybe someone in VietNam. That is IT! and we have 75 people in the office in DC, and some in NY/Philly/Chicago.
LAW
I find myself agreeing with a lot of what was said—in the article and in the comments. I don't think there is a magic bridge to gap the distance between military and civilians. Bottom line: We fight, they don't. But also, bottom line: We chose to, they didn't. No one is right or wrong. What I have issue with is the clear lack of understanding of HOW the military works. And, by that I mean, we don't choose to go to war. We choose to join the military and once we do, we are at the mercy of our elected officials. They say, "Fight," we fight. Our fate is determined by our government. We don't have a show of hands for "who wants to go to Iraq." It isn't as if we could simply "sit this one out" even if we wanted to. I do think one of the big differences I am beginning to see is the ability of folks outside of the military to separate their feelings on the war from supporting those fighting in it. And, that is progress. I don't agree with the whole "we pay taxes and therefore for your health care" crap. That is a sucky thing to say. WE also pay taxes. Our salaries are not tax exempt or tax free (except when in a combat zone for X no. of days). But, by and large, one could argue we pay for our own benefits one way or another as taxpayers and as those serving on the front lines of war.
My honest opinion is that civilians don't want to understand the intimate details of our struggles simply because it muddies the waters of the "how can I support this war" argument. It is much easier to cover ones ears and yell "la, la, la, la" than it is to educate oneself and make an informed judgment call.
Example: Army sergeant is seen on the news recovering from losing a leg in a wheelchair at Walter Reed. It is very easy to get pissed and want to "get out" and "get out now" from any place on earth that could result in more people coming home "like that."
But…if you took it one step further and educated yourself on how Army Sergeant felt about his mission, what he did in theater or his burning desire to go back, you might change your position of thinking to adjust for the possibility that maybe, just maybe, things are not so simple.
I like the comments over here much better than the ones at CNN.com!
Thanks, Andi and everyone else for "getting it". I wrote the commentary after emailing for several months with an editor at CNN.com. He asked me to write something that would let the civilian community "hear" something that is said in the military community that they wouldn't otherwise be able to hear. I purposely avoided anything political because I didn't want people to get caught on the politics and miss the point. But many seem to have missed the point anyway.
For what it's worth, I wasn't too bothered by the negative comments. (I told my husband that that means either I've grown thicker skin or my anti-depressants are working!) Most of the negative stuff was of the "Bush lied" variety, the same old same old we've all heard for years.
I guess I'm naive and optimistic for thinking that there is a way to bridge the gap, or that the majority of Americans even want that gap bridged… but I did get a lot of really wonderful emails from civilians and military, which was great.
I tried to comment on the article at cnn.com, but it wasn't displayed for whatever reason or another.
Anyway, I think most of the people just get tied up in the political side of this war. My main comment has always been don't say you're not serving in our military b/c you don't agree with THIS war in Iraq. Prior to 9/11 we had relatively (exceptions of first Gulf War, Panama, Grenada, etc) decades of peace. So, why didn't people sign up then? Would they sign up to serve if the war in Iraq ended today? Many seem to think that Afghanistan is the "honorable" war. Would they sign up if that was the only conflict the US was involved in? Probably not. I'm not saying everyone has to serve in the military (well, I do think it would give them a different perspective *shrug*), but for the most part these that aren't serving "b/c they don't believe in the war in Iraq" wouldn't have served anyway. They're not willing to defend our country, no matter what the mission is. (um, I hope my point came across b/c I tend to ramble)
But I completely agree w/ Rebekah…I understand that these people may be tired of hearing about the war in Iraq or whatever, but point is that whether the war continues for 10 more years or ends tomorrow, their lives are basically the same.
I, too, had to stop reading the comments. They were making me sick to my stomach — so many patronizing "I hope your husband comes home safely, but …" slams on the sacrifices of military families. I didn't get very far, but up to the point that my stomach couldn't take it anymore, I hadn't read one civilian who'd actually sacrificed anything for the war (except the person who paid taxes — wow, what a unique "sacrifice"). I think of things expressed by the author all the time, wishing there had been some kind of financial sacrifice, tied to the wars, asked of everyone after 9/11 — I truly believe if we had done so as a nation, we would not be in the current financial crisis.